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Original poster

Was my fiance being unreasonable, or me?

265 replies

lulowvanbeethoven · 03/05/2016 16:24

A little while ago, I got a new job. I am a teacher so this did not start until the September. It was a different area of the country to the one we were living in, he wasn't thrilled with moving but was OK with it.

He got a new job, didn't take long, and his job started August so we moved beginning of July.

Anyway here is the unreasonable part - so we found a really nice house for rent, £700 p/m (more than affordable) in a gorgeous location, near the river. I said something like "oh I think it is perfect, don't you?"

He flipped at me Sad saying that he had to pay for estate agents fees, deposit, rent for July August and September and I took him for granted.

Do you think I did?Sad

OP posts:
Bajanella · 03/05/2016 17:26

So, you live in one part of the country and he had a job.
You moved at the beginning of July to a different area
But he was working at his original job until the end of July.
So where was he living in July? Who was living in the house?
He started his new job in the new area at the beginning of August.
You started your new job in September.

steff13 · 03/05/2016 17:27

I think I can see where he's coming from - if this all happened back in June/July, he may have felt at the time like you were only considering finding a nice place, and not thinking of the money he would be out of pocket up front, or the fact that you wouldn't be able to contribute for a few months. So, I can see how he might feel taken for granted in this case.

Did you not have a conversation before committing about how much you would each contribute, and how much he'd be comfortable to spend up front?

I mean, $700 deposit + $700 rent x 3 = $2800 plus whatever the estate agent fees are is not a tiny amount of money. Maybe he was just stressed about covering it all.

Does he still bring this up?

53rdAndBird · 03/05/2016 17:28

So what changed between him agreeing to move and looking at places with you, and him flipping out at you "taking him for granted"? He hadn't paid anything at that point if you were still looking, and you hadn't had any discussions about what he/you would pay for, so... what? Did something else happen in the meantime, or did he just silently build up resentment and then blow up rather than communicate with you?

Its just I feel a bit like I'm sometimes forced in a position where I'm always going to be wrong?

Mmm. Is this always about finances, or a general thing?

witsender · 03/05/2016 17:29

I read this that they loved a few months before they started because he got a new job which started sooner. So OP had no income for the first few months. Tbh, as a couple I'm surprised this sort of thing is an issue, had it happened to us at the same stage whoever had the job first would just have paid with no questions asked. It isn't the OP's fault that his job started first.

mmmminx · 03/05/2016 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

harshbuttrue1980 · 03/05/2016 17:29

Of course you should offer to pay him back now that you're earning!! It isn't fair otherwise. I'd be annoyed if I was him. He shouldn't have to ask, you should offer - no one is entitled to be kept by someone else for months. From your posts, you seem a bit reliant on your dad and partner.

Chippednailvarnish · 03/05/2016 17:30

What would you have done if he hadn't been around to pay your rent on your behalf?

You sound like a dependent child rather than one half of a partnership. Maybe it's time to start paying your own way for your backdated rent and your deposit.

Gazelda · 03/05/2016 17:31

OP, I think you've got to let it go. It's happened, he's not bearing grudges about it (from what I understand), it didn't lead to a major argument, it's not been raised since. Let it go.

But I do think you both need to be more open In the way you communicate if you're going to have a successful marriage. And I do think you should bring up the finances you 'owe' him from last year.

From what you've posted, he moved for your job and it cost him £thousands. It wouldn't be unreasonable for him to have been annoyed at that.

And it seems as though he was subsidising you while you were teacher training too. Have you ever expressed your gratitude? Or are you still stinging from what he said when you viewed the house?

In a partnership, it is fine to have unequal incomes at different stages, but you should try to be fair and even up the contribution (in line with your own income), don't put yourself out of pocket!

In short, agree how you manage/split finances before you get married. And certainly before having any DC.

ImperialBlether · 03/05/2016 17:31

You need to pay him back for your share, OP. It wasn't fair that he had to pay for it all, particularly as he didn't want to move anyway.

Bajanella · 03/05/2016 17:32

Do you have separate finances now? Are you planning to keep your finances separate when you marry?

53rdAndBird · 03/05/2016 17:32

OP has already said that the flipping out happened before they moved - so before he paid anything. And that they hadn't had a conversation about whether or not he was going to.

Original poster
lulowvanbeethoven · 03/05/2016 17:33

Chipped, if I'd been single, you mean?

I'd probably have moved into a shared house, or something.

witsender that is correct yes.

He doesn't bring this up but sometimes there's other stuff.

OP posts:
0hCrepe · 03/05/2016 17:33

It sounds like you have different ideas of how your finances should be shared. He sees his money as his and you see both your money as shared. So by the same token if he didn't have an income for 3 months you'd happily pay for everything as you're a joint unit?

Waltermittythesequel · 03/05/2016 17:34

It's still not clear why this is an issue now.

But; you have a deposit, except you don't because it's your dad's.

You lived with him rent free.

You wanted to move and found somewhere to live, except he had to pay because you still had no money.

Are you ever planning on paying for stuff yourself?

You sound spoiled. I'm not surprised he was pissed off.

Why haven't you paid him back??

Original poster
lulowvanbeethoven · 03/05/2016 17:35

Oh, I'm really grateful, I do really appreciate everything he's done and always say so. I think that's part of what bothers me, is that I was just sitting back expecting thousands to be paid and I really and truly wasn't. I just didn't understand private renting and how it worked.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 03/05/2016 17:36

I read it that when she was doing her teacher training, she lived rent free.

Then she got a job back home, he was reluctant but gave in and looked for another job, she saw a lovely house and clapped her hands with glee.

And he gave her the mother of all side eyes and sharply reminded her who was actually going to be forking out. She still feels put out about his comment.

OP sounds like a Daddy's girl.

0hCrepe · 03/05/2016 17:36

And that's how it is for dh and me, I supported him as a student and through a career change to become an artist, although I would be pissed off if he was just sat on his arse and if it hadn't worked out I would have said enough's enough.

Chippednailvarnish · 03/05/2016 17:36

So if you had of been single you would have paid rent, plus bills. But because he was willing he paid for your part of the rent and you haven't repaid him. Not surprised he "flipped".

There would have been a very different reaction if you had been a woman posting on this thread about a boyfriend not paying their way...

SandyAndy · 03/05/2016 17:37

Wow I hope your lesson plans are a bit clearer than your thread OP.
You are obviously feeling insecure in your relationship and dwelling on this issue. Move on or move out would be my advice.

Original poster
lulowvanbeethoven · 03/05/2016 17:37

OhCrepe definitely, I would.

I haven't paid him back just because it was never exactly presented as a loan.

I mean, when we were looking at houses, I was saying "that's £350 each, that's affordable" so I just wasn't really thinking we'd have to move before I got paid.

OP posts:
cbear000 · 03/05/2016 17:37

I can see both sides here. You were a student with very limited funds. In some ways you were lucky you had any choice at all in where your first job was instead of just having 1 or 2 options. If a move came out of the blue to your Fiance he was probably under a lot of pressure, trying to do the right thing by you but he was not 100% wanting to move, and financially tricky for him.
You found 'the' house and it all became real that it would be happening, and he got upset and snappy.
Forgive him, try and do a standing order to him for the next little while to repay him half of those costs. I don't think either of you were being unreasonable.
Next time it might be your turn to move for his job.

Chippednailvarnish · 03/05/2016 17:37

I just didn't understand private renting and how it worked

I'm going with the OP being a goaty fucker.

Waltermittythesequel · 03/05/2016 17:38

I just didn't understand private renting and how it worked.

Sorry, but unless you started your degree as a toddler you really should be old enough to 'know how it worked'. Hmm

53rdAndBird · 03/05/2016 17:38

Well, I dunno, I've been in a similar situation. I was unemployed, found a job, job involved moving, talked it over with DH, agreed that we'd move and he'd cover the rent/bills until I started getting paid, we did and he did and all was fine.

If he'd agreed to this, waited until I said something nice about a house we were looking at, and THEN blown his top about being unappreciated, we'd have had a Very Serious Conversation about the importance of discussing things like adults in the first place.

Gazelda · 03/05/2016 17:38

But why are you posting about this now? It's confusing to those reading. Can you outline some of the other things that are bothering you? It makes more sense to get perspective from MN on things that are happening now, rather than things that are in the past. Are you having doubts about the relationship?

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