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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that something is going on

258 replies

DoorMat1010 · 02/05/2016 22:40

Backstory - DH and I have been together for 6 years, married for 2. Have a 3yo DC and living together since 9m into the relationship.
Since moving in together he's always preferred to stay home with me, or enjoy time with me - Up a few months ago.

Sex life has been lacking for a while, due to my medical problems but last few days have been good in that regard.

He works full time and every weekend (1 or 2 days off a week depending on the week) and gets home shortly before DC goes to bed (usually 15 mins sometimes not at all)

He wakes at 7:45am and leaves for work at 8:20am and barely spends time with DC or myself. Recently he's asked me to reduce my already limited hours at work, he's started going out more in the evening after he spends 20 minutes with DC tonight told me he'd be back for 8pm, only got home at 9:30pm).

If I go out (I work shifts - so often I'm out late when working) I get a barrage of messages asking me when I'm going to be home, my last shift in the space of 2 hours I had 26 messages and 2 calls. Even if I nip out and leave DC with him, for 30mins. I'll get messages and phone calls asking me how long I'll be and such like. But if I message him more than once just to see how he's getting on and if he's ok, snaps at me asking me "why can't I go out, and do things, I work all the time, can't I do something for me?".

I actively encouraged him to go out and have fun but is it too much to ask that I feel 4/5 nights a week I'm alone when DC is in bed because he's swanned off somewhere?.

I do everything for DC and him. Rarely get a thank you, or acknowledgement from him. (I love doing things for with my DC and obviously do not begrudge for this. DC is my bloody world!)

He's ALWAYS on his phone texting or such but when I message, it's difficult to get a response back (only over the last few weeks). I can't get hold of his phone as he has always got it on him. Always. Even when he goes for a shower, he takes it in the bathroom. And the 20ish minutes he spends with DC, he's still on his phone.

Snappy and bad tempered very often towards me unless he thinks I'm going to have sex with him.

Tried to talk to him about something that had really upset me, and wanted his advice. And he walked out of the room, saying he needed to do something but just to shout to him whilst he was doing it.

I don't think he's having an affair but something doesn't feel right.

Before anyone asks, DC is DH's, we were ttc and he told me he wanted to be a father.

Not prepared for a flaming.

OP posts:
ZestyMaximus · 04/05/2016 13:34

All great advice from GreyPoncho

I hope you're okay op. You're doing great. Flowers

dilys4trevor · 04/05/2016 13:56

I know from experience that lock changing (IF house is owned in joint name) is not strictly alright but if the person who is locked out's behaviour or parenting has been bad then a judge won't judge harshly. It's not something that you'd ever get into any real trouble over.

I know this because I've done it myself and then checked it out with a family lawyer (after the event but still).

And as OP's house is rented (and LL is cool) and it's not in his name, OP is totally in the clear. Fact they are married is irrelevant. Would be more relevant if it were a jointly owned property (as was the case with me) but even then, it wouldn't be a big issue.

sepa · 04/05/2016 14:51

I'm sorry it has come to this OP but he hasn't managed to change even for a day. Do you have much RL support?

DoorMat1010 · 04/05/2016 15:38

No, not really. Just had another bust up. DC is at nursery.

I've been in tears for an hour now n he doesn't care. So angry.

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 04/05/2016 15:55

Tell him to piss off out, and not come back this time. The arse.

Flowers
mummyto2monkeys · 04/05/2016 16:12

Is he refusing to leave OP? Would your Dad come down to support you, and let your Mum collect DS? (very gentle hugs)

gingergenie · 04/05/2016 16:26

So sorry OP. He's obviously showing his true colours now that you've called him in his behaviour. I hope you have some help in RL X

DoorMat1010 · 04/05/2016 16:30

My dad is unwell and my mother is working. They don't have a clue what's going on. Neither of them are 100% health wise and my dad has just had to have a small procedure this morning so he doesn't need the added stress.

OP posts:
Skittlesss · 04/05/2016 16:52

Tell him to leave. Now. This isn't right and if he really wanted you to be ok then he would want to work on it.

You deserve so much better than this, chick xx

mummyto2monkeys · 04/05/2016 17:10

Are you an only child? Do you have a sibling/ friend/ neighbour/ colleague who could come and help if he refuses to leave? I know that it is tough having sick parents, I have two very frail parents, I don't get on all that well with my brothers but they would come over immediately in this sort of situation. How do you get on with your in laws OP? Would they intervene? You don't think he will turn violent do you?

PirateFairy45 · 04/05/2016 17:21

He's gone out tonight. Won't be back till me and DC are in bed.

I have 2 half sisters but we don't get on, they WOULD 100% use this as leverage in the future so I wouldn't even consider it. (For example one of them, when I was 15 threatened to tell my father I'd had sex with an older man, making out to be an affair, he had a wife - he'd groomed then raped me. Several times)

He's back at work tomorrow, I can't wait.

PirateFairy45 · 04/05/2016 17:28

And in regards to inlaws, one i adore, but is a total pushover so she'd not help me be firm, and the other is dead

PirateFairy45 · 04/05/2016 17:31

And in regards to inlaws, one i adore, but is a total pushover so she'd not help me be firm, and the other is dead

gingergenie · 04/05/2016 18:58

Ooh door you've changed back to pirate again. I'm getting confused!

wannabestressfree · 04/05/2016 19:02

Then stick to plan A and lock the twat out tonight. With his bags outside. Stay strong.

PirateFairy45 · 04/05/2016 19:32

Sorry gingerGenie! X

Wannabestressfree. I've told him not to come back. Can't get locks changed I'll Friday. Get paid then. X

wannabestressfree · 04/05/2016 20:26

I would bolt it then.... :)

TheDuchessOfArbroathsHat · 04/05/2016 20:31

Why does OP keep changing names? Hmm

Janey50 · 04/05/2016 21:34

Sorry OP but I think that someone who won't let their phone out of their sight,even when they are in the showers/toilet is definitely up to something. Believe me,I know from bitter experience. Flowers for you.

BastardGoDarkly · 04/05/2016 21:51

Duchess it's pretty common in a long thread, where the op initially nc for a sensitive issue, then forgets, and reverts to usual name.

Hope you're doing OK op, is he still out?

gingergenie · 05/05/2016 08:10

How did your night go door? Hope it was peaceful x

DoorMat1010 · 05/05/2016 08:54

Was ok, he stayed away. Came by this morning to see DC.

OP posts:
Bettydownthehall · 05/05/2016 09:10

How awful OP.

If this was me, rather than trying to stop him go out I would tell him that from now on he can go out whenever he wants BUT you want an equal amount of child free lesuire time. So if he has 4 hours in the evening then you want 4 hours on the weekend or something. You may have to spend more time out of the house than you wish but he will get the message and it will make him think twice hopefully.

Not the same thing but my DP kept starting little projects all he time that took him into the shed or working on his PC. I was always left holding the baby so one Saturday when he spent 6 hours in the garden I told him that Sunday I wanted 6 hours. He was taken aback and argued that I have time during the week when baby naps, which I explained I don't, that's when I do housework. He said he was looking forward to family time on Sunday but I made it clear I needed the same amount of time to myself. Things have definitely improved for me.

prettywhiteguitar · 05/05/2016 09:27

God this is so familiar, particularly with the constant bust ups and then promises to be better, managing it for a day or so and then going back to type.

It's probably not even an affair they just can't be arsed to be a family orientated person. He is an ex now and still as useless with his girlfriend, they don't change but other girls may put up with it !

Cut your losses, he is selfish to the core.

mummyto2monkeys · 06/05/2016 01:20

How are things today OP? I have been thinking about you x

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