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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that something is going on

258 replies

DoorMat1010 · 02/05/2016 22:40

Backstory - DH and I have been together for 6 years, married for 2. Have a 3yo DC and living together since 9m into the relationship.
Since moving in together he's always preferred to stay home with me, or enjoy time with me - Up a few months ago.

Sex life has been lacking for a while, due to my medical problems but last few days have been good in that regard.

He works full time and every weekend (1 or 2 days off a week depending on the week) and gets home shortly before DC goes to bed (usually 15 mins sometimes not at all)

He wakes at 7:45am and leaves for work at 8:20am and barely spends time with DC or myself. Recently he's asked me to reduce my already limited hours at work, he's started going out more in the evening after he spends 20 minutes with DC tonight told me he'd be back for 8pm, only got home at 9:30pm).

If I go out (I work shifts - so often I'm out late when working) I get a barrage of messages asking me when I'm going to be home, my last shift in the space of 2 hours I had 26 messages and 2 calls. Even if I nip out and leave DC with him, for 30mins. I'll get messages and phone calls asking me how long I'll be and such like. But if I message him more than once just to see how he's getting on and if he's ok, snaps at me asking me "why can't I go out, and do things, I work all the time, can't I do something for me?".

I actively encouraged him to go out and have fun but is it too much to ask that I feel 4/5 nights a week I'm alone when DC is in bed because he's swanned off somewhere?.

I do everything for DC and him. Rarely get a thank you, or acknowledgement from him. (I love doing things for with my DC and obviously do not begrudge for this. DC is my bloody world!)

He's ALWAYS on his phone texting or such but when I message, it's difficult to get a response back (only over the last few weeks). I can't get hold of his phone as he has always got it on him. Always. Even when he goes for a shower, he takes it in the bathroom. And the 20ish minutes he spends with DC, he's still on his phone.

Snappy and bad tempered very often towards me unless he thinks I'm going to have sex with him.

Tried to talk to him about something that had really upset me, and wanted his advice. And he walked out of the room, saying he needed to do something but just to shout to him whilst he was doing it.

I don't think he's having an affair but something doesn't feel right.

Before anyone asks, DC is DH's, we were ttc and he told me he wanted to be a father.

Not prepared for a flaming.

OP posts:
Skittlesss · 04/05/2016 07:27

Maybe he's realised that things need to change?

wallywobbles · 04/05/2016 08:14

Just so you know, there are other better men out there. Don't feel trapped into this. Try re-upping your hours, being in a better position to be independant. How would you like your life to look? Take it from there and he doesnt have to be there for the ride frankly - he's the optional part.

Explain that everything that happens after he gets back from work is 50/50. Or will he be wanting 50/50 sharing after the divorce? I think we can guess the answer to that one whatever he says.

dilys4trevor · 04/05/2016 08:17

Not sure if I am naive but I don't think there is anything odd about this thread.

She said she nipped back as she had forgotten something. She guessed his password. I'd have saved the pregnancy test til the morning 'first pee' as well as it's when you're most likely to get an accurate read. Thought everyone knew this?

Pretty glad I didn't post at the time I was going through my EA/affair/work humiliation/husband suicide as if have been devastated to hear someone saying it was 'bollox.'

mummyto2monkeys · 04/05/2016 09:07

You came home at 6:30am? Why? Were your parents even awake at that point? My Mum would be beside herself with worry if I had turned up in the emotional state you were in yesterday, then ran home whilst she was still sleeping. It can't really show much determination if you ran home as soon as it turned light. This is exactly why you should have given him a bag packed with his stuff and thrown him out. He now thinks he can walk all over you and you will still come running back.

Why didn't he try to contact your parents, he should have been on the phone begging your forgiveness. Or better still he should have went to your parents house and been open and honest about his behaviour and offering to change. This is not a solution. You seem to think that it is all better because he offered to let you sleep longer........It is not all better. The first chance he gets he will be back up to his normal tricks, be it drugs, gambling or another woman. If he is driving whilst under the influence of narcotics then he is risking everything, he could kill himself and more importantly he is a danger to other road users. I agree with others this thread is sounding very familiar and if you are who I think you are then you already know that you need to leave your husband. For your sons sake, more than anything. You need to do something before it becomes a cause for concern for social services.

(Just to add that I only mention narcotics because I agree with another poster and this situation is sounding very familiar to another recent poster. If your are not that poster then I apologise but you should still be throwing him out and he should be begging for your forgiveness and promising to change)

TooLazyToWriteMyOwnFuckinPiece · 04/05/2016 09:13

Live-update, cliff-hanger threads tend to make people suspicious, rightly or wrongly.

PirateFairy45 · 04/05/2016 09:15

I came home at 6:30am because DC couldn't sleep properly and we'd been up since 4am Confused. So yeah... Haha. Some people wake before 8am! Unfortunately!

I'll speak to work about upping my hours again.

It doesn't show a change but it shows a start. He's outside ATM and even left his phone inside!.

FeralBeryl · 04/05/2016 09:19

OP name change fail - report your post.

gingergenie · 04/05/2016 09:23

Hi OP- I think some people's nerves were a bit jangled because of a recent thread where some of the story became inconsistent. I did wonder why you had to pop back last night and for a short while I wasn't sure if the updates were consistent with the rest of your info but your clarification this morning made more sense - thanks for the updates. I really hope he continues to improve. X

gingergenie · 04/05/2016 09:25

OP - why the name change?

dilys4trevor · 04/05/2016 09:25

I know you're saying rightly or wrongly but I still don't get it.

Yes it's 'cliff hanger'; people don't tend to start threads about boring, inconsequential stuff (well they do but you now what I mean).

And 'live updates', well don't all things happen in real time Hmm?

When OPs don't come back with updates they get flamed for that too.

Massive inconsistencies or weird updates yes, but not sure there is much of this.

mummyto2monkeys · 04/05/2016 09:49

I apologise OP, there have been several threads recently that have had inconsistencies.

I do realise that some wake early. I have two children myself who are early wakers, but that doesn't mean that I would leave the house by 6am and be back home for 6:30 am. You were definitely keen to be out and about.

Have you confided in your parents about the situation with your husband? Have they offered any support?

I hope that your leaving last night gave your husband the scare that he needed. I really do hope that he will start treating you and your son better as you both deserve better.

Moistly · 04/05/2016 10:01

Why has the name changed

dilys4trevor · 04/05/2016 10:16

OP might have name changed for this thread and then accidentally gone back under 'old' name.

I've never name changed so not sure how it works.

Moistly · 04/05/2016 10:20

Of course Blush
I've done that before so don't know why I forgot that

gingergenie · 04/05/2016 11:32

Oh. Never done it. Didn't know you could! X

Original poster
DoorMat1010 · 04/05/2016 11:43

He's been a complete ass again. Planning on going out tonight tomorrow night and Friday night.

He'll find that he can't get in Friday night when he gets back. I've organised the locks to be changed.

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 04/05/2016 11:47

There can be no good reason for him needing to go out so many nights a week.

AdrenalineFudge · 04/05/2016 11:47

After pretty much of 6 years of living together you're going to change the locks to prevent him from getting into the house. Presumably the house then is in your name and the hours you're working are enough to sustain the house?
None of this making sense.

dilys4trevor · 04/05/2016 11:48

I changed the locks when I kicked my H out. Solicitor told me it is officially unlawful if you both own the home, but that no judge would take you to task on it if his behaviour is unreasonable

Original poster
DoorMat1010 · 04/05/2016 11:55

Could you stop trying to pick holes.

The house is rented in MY name. As it was in my name before he moved in.

Good grief.

OP posts:
dilys4trevor · 04/05/2016 12:11

I'm with you OP. Do you get on well with the landlord?

AgathaF · 04/05/2016 12:55

You're doing the right thing. He doesn't want to share your life. You're perfectly entitled to change the locks if it's a rented house in your name (assuming your ll has given permission).

Perhaps the people picking holes in this thread could just leave it, rather than risk further upsetting a person who is already feeling vulnerable and upset at the moment.

gingergenie · 04/05/2016 13:03

As pp have said, as long as you have LL permission and house is in your name then you're all good. Is his name not on your tenancy agreement at all? Just make sure you don't land yourself in hot water legally. Sorry he's being an arse again. Don't blame you for wanting to change locks.

mummyto2monkeys · 04/05/2016 13:15

Well done OP, you are doing the right thing. I honestly think if he is not having an affair, then he is an addict of some sort. PP have suggested gambling, is this a possibility OP? Do you have a joint account, or savings? I would be checking the credit rating of the house to see if your husband has taken any loans out recently. Although my money is still on it being an affair, I am sorry OP.

Greyponcho · 04/05/2016 13:31

Urgh - sounds like he's really trying hard with this relationship, isn't he? Hmm
I don't blame you for wanting to change the locks, but I've no idea what his rights are given that you're married .
Protect yourself financially, stash money in your private bank accounts if you can. Keep children's passports and important documents at your parents house just in case (landlord might do something stupid like let him in).
Can you arrange for the DC to stay at your parents Friday night/Saturday day in case he comes back and all hell breaks loose when he can't get in, try to shield them from that if you can

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