To think that something is going on

[DoorMat1010]

Backstory - DH and I have been together for 6 years, married for 2. Have a 3yo DC and living together since 9m into the relationship.
Since moving in together he's always preferred to stay home with me, or enjoy time with me - Up a few months ago.

Sex life has been lacking for a while, due to my medical problems but last few days have been good in that regard.

He works full time and every weekend (1 or 2 days off a week depending on the week) and gets home shortly before DC goes to bed (usually 15 mins sometimes not at all)

He wakes at 7:45am and leaves for work at 8:20am and barely spends time with DC or myself. Recently he's asked me to reduce my already limited hours at work, he's started going out more in the evening after he spends 20 minutes with DC tonight told me he'd be back for 8pm, only got home at 9:30pm).

If I go out (I work shifts - so often I'm out late when working) I get a barrage of messages asking me when I'm going to be home, my last shift in the space of 2 hours I had 26 messages and 2 calls. Even if I nip out and leave DC with him, for 30mins. I'll get messages and phone calls asking me how long I'll be and such like. But if I message him more than once just to see how he's getting on and if he's ok, snaps at me asking me "why can't I go out, and do things, I work all the time, can't I do something for me?".

I actively encouraged him to go out and have fun but is it too much to ask that I feel 4/5 nights a week I'm alone when DC is in bed because he's swanned off somewhere?.

I do everything for DC and him. Rarely get a thank you, or acknowledgement from him. (I love doing things for with my DC and obviously do not begrudge for this. DC is my bloody world!)

He's ALWAYS on his phone texting or such but when I message, it's difficult to get a response back (only over the last few weeks). I can't get hold of his phone as he has always got it on him. Always. Even when he goes for a shower, he takes it in the bathroom. And the 20ish minutes he spends with DC, he's still on his phone.

Snappy and bad tempered very often towards me unless he thinks I'm going to have sex with him.

Tried to talk to him about something that had really upset me, and wanted his advice. And he walked out of the room, saying he needed to do something but just to shout to him whilst he was doing it.

I don't think he's having an affair but something doesn't feel right.

Before anyone asks, DC is DH's, we were ttc and he told me he wanted to be a father.

Not prepared for a flaming.

[sepa]

I'm sorry it's so crap for you at the moment. It's easy for "keyboard warriors" to say what they would do in your situation but honestly, you don't know what you will do until your presented with these situations.

It does seem that leaving your husband is the best thing for you and DD but things are not as simple as 'just change the locks'

Have you looked to see if you can up your hours at work? As others have suggested, look into what benifits you would be entitled to and what money you would get from husband.

[dilys4trevor]

Sorry OP.

I get it now.

And he knows it. What a cunt.

[TooLazyToWriteMyOwnFuckinPiece]

Have you done all the benefit calculator things to see what you could be entitled to, also how much support he'd have to give?
You said in OP this has all been a change in the last few months. So you were happy before that? Straight talking is required - do you believe where he says he's going? How does he account for the change in his behaviour? Has he answered the affair issue directly?
Maybe there is something going on that can be fixed. But just letting it slide won't make either of you happy.

[PirateFairy45]

ATM I'm working out what to do. I can't afford for him to leave - it's that simple really.

[AgathaF]

You have two choices really - put a stop to his behaviour, or keep on allowing/condoning it.

Only you can decide what to do, but at the moment it looks like you are going to continue to let him carry right on doing just what he wants.

[ISpeakJive]

Sorry OP, i know this is your life but grow some balls and just throw him out! He sounds like he's messing around with someone else!

[PirateFairy45]

I'm trying to keep calm tbh.

[dilys4trevor]

OP, with the best will in the world it sounds to me as if all you're ever going to do is give him a series of quite mild telling offs and then come on here complaining about him (in quite an upbeat, oh-he's-a-silly-boy way).

It doesn't sound like you're serious at all about kicking him into touch and clearly he knows this, hence the 'sorry babe' text after being hours late. He doesn't take you seriously and I'm not sure I do either.

It will continue. I know, I've been there. Mine did not take my threats seriously and it took until I found out about an OW to give me the impetus to get rid.

[EponasWildDaughter]

I wouldn't have let this go on so long myself, however at this stage I'd just tell him i think he's shagging someone else and that it's over and he needs to get out.

If he wants to prove otherwise and fight to be with you OP then he can try and you can re-think in a couple of months based on his efforts. But he'd have to make a bloody good show of it. And there'd be no sleeping and my mum and dads either!

[gamerchick]

So absolutely nothing has changed since your first post?

[PirateFairy45]

He didn't come in the bedroom at all. He sent me a text... "Hey babe, I'm home a teensy tiny bit late and deserve to be shouted at" then other crap about WHEN he gets up, he'll take DD and I can do what I want to.

I woke him before half 6, after watching GoT without him, and told him to "Get up, I'm going out. Time to be a parent".

And he had the cheek to ask me where I'm going and how long I'll be.

[2ManySweets]

I'd make plans to terminate this relationship, I'm sorry.

It's OW or at best (ahem) an intrinsic disregard for his role as dad and husband.

Either way, he needs to leave. Either temporarily or for longer.

[StealthPolarBear]

Is his phone going straight to answerphone? Just ringing without answer?

[UnderTheGreenwoodTree]

Angry, I think. Then detach.

I would put money on there being an OW. Sorry.

[PirateFairy45]

Still out. Now 3 hours later than he promised. And 5 and half hours after finishing work.

I don't know if I should be worried or angry.

[PirateFairy45]

I've gone to bed to watch tv on iPad. If he kisses me when he gets in, I may feign being asleep and accidentally head butt him.

[DontMindMe1]

if he'd been in an accident the hospital or police would have contacted you by now.

he's just an ignorant dick who thinks he's got you under his control.

i'd be texting him and telling him not to bother coming back at all unless it's to pack a bag.

[PirateFairy45]

I was but he promised things would change. I have a plan of action now though.

And yes he's still out. 2 hours after he promised he'd be back.

My dad fished out there was something wrong and coaxed it out of me. He's now very angry with him but I've asked him not to say anything. I'll deal with it.

It's clear he has no respect for me.

Unless he's been in an accident, there's no excuse for this.

[DontMindMe1]

when are you going to wake up and realise he's just humouring you with scraps?

he has no intention of changing. he has no intention of discussing this with you no matter what you promised each other during your honeymoon phase - you really think he wants others to know that HE cheated and was a scumbag who didn't want to spend time with his own child?

i bet he just carries on with the "you" are the "problem" line. Remind him he chose to be a father and if he won't take that seriously then he can fuck off to wherever he goes whenever he's avoiding his family.

[TooLazyToWriteMyOwnFuckinPiece]

Oh OP, I thought you were throwing him out and changing the locks?
What did he say to make it all ok?
You can start making plans you know if you don't want to leave all at once. Where is he tonight?

[PirateFairy45]

They would be if he was here. Yet again he's taken off. He finished work at 4pm, and promised he'd be home by 6:30pm at the latest.

It's now just gone 7:30pm ad he's still not back.

[TooLazyToWriteMyOwnFuckinPiece]

Sadly I suspect his feet are back under the table again.

[sepa]

How did your evening out go OP? Did the bar staff seem to know him and know what drink he would want? I work in a pub and know what our regulars drink as do other members of staff so that should indicate if he has been going to the pub in the evenings

[TooLazyToWriteMyOwnFuckinPiece]

Why does he get to decide that you'll go to the pub with him? Is it so you can have a big talk, or just playing happy couples?
You have still no answer as to what he's doing in the evening or why he thinks it's ok to do that. His ow, if she exists, may also be attached so not available for him to stay with!
Hope you get the answers you want tonight.

[ollieplimsoles]

I agree, all this chopping and changing from him doesn't mean anything, he will just always slip back to being and asshole. He knows you're suspicious now so if there is an ow he will be even more careful about hiding it.

Are you calling it a day with him op?