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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wife work - AIBU?

252 replies

Modestandatinybitsexy · 02/05/2016 20:55

I don't iron. Except in those very rare occurrences that I have a job interview or a top has been so scrunched at the bottom of a pile that it cannot be saved.

DH has a lot of ironing to do so I offered to do the bedsheets to take the strain off him. He said it was fine.

The conversation then developed into why I didn't offer to help with the shirts. I said because I bought clothes with the aim to avoid ironing and they are his clothes, hence his responsibility. Fair enough, right?

He thought that as we share all other duties that we should share this. He then came out with the cracker that it could be thought that, as it's deemed necessary for his professional job that he wear a shirt then, it is in my best interest and the interest of the household that I do the ironing. This sounded to me that as I earn less than him I should be putting more in at home.

We both work full time, no kids yet, we both cook and clean. We are non traditional in that I am the lazier party but it can be argued I put more in that I would if I lived alone out of respect for him.

We are ttc, the above viewpoint worries me because what will I be expected to do as a stay at home mum?

So AIBU maintaining my stand of never ironing, in offering to help out as a "favour" with our joint ironing, and sometime his clothes; or is it my responsibility to share this chore?

OP posts:
plantsitter · 03/05/2016 11:56

Noisyrice to whom are you talking? Don't you understand that a person could do all that and still not have time to iron "hubby's" shirts?

Personally I would rather re-grout the kitchen tiles than iron, so that is what I choose to do and DH can do the traditionally feminine task of ironing shirts.

I don't think there is any National Standard of SAHM duties is there? Or a customer service Marque that SAHPs can show their spouses?

YonicTrowel · 03/05/2016 12:05

Also, noisy, OP isn't an SA HM at present.

And not all babies nap in their cost for three hours a day,

Equal leisure time is the generally agreed fair position.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 03/05/2016 12:08

I've always worked full time. Housework so far as not done by cleaners shared between us although he does all ironing as he is good at it and enjoys it.

I'm amazed at the level of resentment expressed by some full time stay at home parents that they should do anything which isn't parenting. What exactly do you do all day once children are at school?

Shining15 · 03/05/2016 12:10

Interesting that he derisively refer to women collaborating as a hive mind, he wants to discourage you from swapping notes and strategies, keep you ignorant as to the ways that you might be oppressed or disadvantaged

expatinscotland · 03/05/2016 12:13

'What exactly do you do all day once children are at school?'

Funny, I don't recall any SAHPs with kids in school identifying themselves as that and posting here. Hmm

Original poster
Modestandatinybitsexy · 03/05/2016 12:15

The "hive mind" were my words. It's the impression I get whenever he 'jokingly' mentions my feminist opinions. No doubt he'd say he's never expressed anything close to something so demeaning but that doesn't alter the level of contempt I feel from him when I've chosen to do something other than established gender roles. I swear he is not a misogynist; he's all up for equality. Trouble is he so rarely gets to put this into practice and when it comes to issues in his own home he only has his parents "perfect" model to refer to. We fit into this as I earn less and want to take time off from work for children but I also want to keep some of my autonomy.

I think the difficulty comes when I'm conflicted myself with my future plans of being a sahm with all the idealistic thoughts of baking and cooking and caring and how cleaning doesn't fit with this for me but it might for him. It is something we'll need to discuss. Just these discussions never seem to go well or be fully resolved and there ends up being resentment on one or both sides.

We're both stubborn when it comes to differing opinions. Problem is that it's not something we're used to as we so rarely argue. As I've previously mentioned we're in line with most things and our life goals are the same so we don't know how to resolve conflicts.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 03/05/2016 12:25

And yet you are still TTC . . .

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 03/05/2016 12:28

Expateven before school children do not require constant supervision to the exclusion of it being possible to do anything else.

plantsitter · 03/05/2016 12:29

OP having kids is a good way of learning how to resolve conflicts in your relationship... or, you know, not resolving them...

As a SAHM (whose kids are in school expat Grin) I would not advise doing it if there's the tiniest chance your husband and you will not agree about what it entails. SAH with small children involves looking after small children and there's not much room for anything else, whatever 50s soap ads tell us.

Original poster
Modestandatinybitsexy · 03/05/2016 12:29

expat show me a relationship that is perfect and I'll show you my arse.

OP posts:
plantsitter · 03/05/2016 12:30

...says the woman who's 'always worked full time' lassWiTheDelicateAir Wink

expatinscotland · 03/05/2016 12:31

I never said they did. I had 3 myself. 1 in particular made it incredibly hard to do much else beyond basics, and certainly not full on housekeeping duties with dinner on the table and socks ironed. Then again, my H was the SAHP and I never expected him to fulfill maid/housekeeper/cook functions on top of looking after a baby and toddler because I see him as a partner, not someone in my paid employ.

dimdommilpot · 03/05/2016 12:54

OH irons his shirts and DDs school uniform. I do not iron. He asked where his work shirts were the other day. They were still in the wash baskets. I told him he knew where the wash basket and washer was. His response? Your the washer woman. His shirts are still in the wash basket. Along with the rest of his dirty laundry!

Iggypoppie · 03/05/2016 13:08

Relationship counselling is probably a good idea so you can both explore your values, concerns and expectations in a safe space. Otherwise it will just fester.

expatinscotland · 03/05/2016 13:09

'expat show me a relationship that is perfect and I'll show you my arse.'

Wow. So get snitty when people point out to you that not hammering out both of your issues regarding SAHP/WOHP is a recipe for disaster. YOU wouldn't have posted had YOU not had an issue with it. It would have been a 'No, I'm not ironing your shirts.' You've continued to talk about the contempt you feel from him when something like this comes up, his sulking, etc but when people point out that it's best to sort all this out before having kids, you get arsey and throw out a comment like this.

Nice.

Hmm
fuzzywuzzy · 03/05/2016 13:22

I completely agree with Expat, this is an issue you need to have clarified before having a baby and losing your income and becoming totally dependant on your husband.

At least then you can make an informed decision.

DP has never expected me to iron anything, he will iron things he wants ironed, he does his share of household chores too and cooks and helps with DC.
I'll be going on mat leave in autumn with his baby, we've agreed when I return to work we will both work from home a certain number of alternate days in order to be there for baby.

I would not be having a baby with him if he thought I automatically become household skivvy once I went on maternity leave.

GreenTomatoJam · 03/05/2016 13:37

Sod that.

Cleaners can do it. Just like at an office - you don't get the hoover out and start doing a wipe around before you go home, it's a cost of business that you have cleaners that come in and do it for you

When parenting - do what you can and get a cleaner to do the rest (IMO). Kids and basic hygiene come first, then the rest can be done some other times (blowed if when I was SAHM I was going to spend the baby's precious nap time cleaning. It's not like I wasn't going to be up and down all evening and night with them too - I'm going to take a break when I can!)

We have a nanny right now, who also does the washing and ironing - I've had a chat with her, because I would prefer that she was out playing with the kids rather than staying in for hours ironing t-shirts that don't need it.

yehyehright · 03/05/2016 13:41

I really agree with expat. I regret not clarifying all these issues. Not that it's a big drama but there are plenty of niggling problems.

And OP I think it's easy for a man to be 'feminist' when it's just in theory but ime it doesn't always hold up when it comes to him actually doing things to back it up.

Duckdeamon · 03/05/2016 13:42

It is easy to seem pro equality in theory: harder when one might have to make changes with consequences. E.g. My DH (who does a fair share of domestic work and childcare, and irons his own shirts!) refused to consider working PT.

If you're saying you plan to SaH for a time (beyond maternity leave) and have no guarantee of a job to return to, then his assumption will very likely be that you will take the full "career hit" of having DC. In two, three or however many years he could then say "well, I must do this travel, long hours, relocate because we need my money", or "any new job you do will need to pay more than childcare costs/enable you to do all childcare drop-offs and pick-ups" or whatever. These boards are full of that kind of thing. Almost always women dropping paid work.

Suggest reading up on the differences in men and women parents' very different labour market positions.

To my shame I didn't properly "get" feminism until I had DC.

Original poster
Modestandatinybitsexy · 03/05/2016 13:44

expat I thought I had acknowledged our relationship issues, the fact that I am aware of them goes a long way and the discussion with DH this morning has brought round the outcome that we're both happy with. What I'd like to avoid is the feelings of resentfulness which drive me to rant on the internet.

I didn't like your snippy comment of
And yet you're still TTC...
Because if a perfect relationship was a requirement no one would ever start a family. I'm sorry I was rude, TTC has been a struggle and the comment hit close to home.

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 03/05/2016 13:44

also, showing you contempt when you do even pretty minor things (like keep your maiden name) doesn't bode well.

And yeah, why so defensive?

AllMyBestFriendsAreMetalheads · 03/05/2016 13:46

We had an ironing thread the other week, which got a bit heated (no pun intended!). Some people enjoy the actual act of ironing, others find it tedious and boring. Horses for courses and all that.

I am useless at ironing. I get all in a tangle, then think I've finished only to pick it up and find it's more creased than when I started. And it takes fucking ages too. DH does any ironing that needs doing in this house, and that's not much.

It's odd though, because I still feel like it should be my responsibility. Not because I'm the SAHP, but because I'm the wife. Social conditioning is strong, as shown by comments such as a wife should want to ensure their husband looks smart when leaving the house. My husbands appearance has fuck all to do with me and I couldn't give a shit how he looks when he leaves the house. He doesn't even wear shirts for work, so why do I feel guilty for not ironing non-existent shirts?!

TheNaze73 · 03/05/2016 13:48

I don't think he's being fair however, if that's your stance, you should be prepared to change gear boxes & change oil filters on cars, which no doubt you do anyway. He can't expect one way traffic from you

Original poster
Modestandatinybitsexy · 03/05/2016 13:51

I agree with the feminist in principle vs practice. I do worry that if the status quo is challenged which side he would actually come down on. I can count on his views to be rational rather than emotional though and major life choices would always be discussed.

On the other hand I am more emotional. I hate the idea of being dependent on him for everything. I've always had my own money and while he is comfortable to support me as a sahm it sit uneasy with me that there is that opportunity for financial control. These are my own issues and not from DH, it comes down to trust and I trust him completely.

OP posts:
YonicTrowel · 03/05/2016 13:57

"On the other hand I am more emotional. I hate the idea of being dependent on him for everything. "

That's a perfectly rational position even in the "ideal" relationship,