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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wife work - AIBU?

252 replies

Modestandatinybitsexy · 02/05/2016 20:55

I don't iron. Except in those very rare occurrences that I have a job interview or a top has been so scrunched at the bottom of a pile that it cannot be saved.

DH has a lot of ironing to do so I offered to do the bedsheets to take the strain off him. He said it was fine.

The conversation then developed into why I didn't offer to help with the shirts. I said because I bought clothes with the aim to avoid ironing and they are his clothes, hence his responsibility. Fair enough, right?

He thought that as we share all other duties that we should share this. He then came out with the cracker that it could be thought that, as it's deemed necessary for his professional job that he wear a shirt then, it is in my best interest and the interest of the household that I do the ironing. This sounded to me that as I earn less than him I should be putting more in at home.

We both work full time, no kids yet, we both cook and clean. We are non traditional in that I am the lazier party but it can be argued I put more in that I would if I lived alone out of respect for him.

We are ttc, the above viewpoint worries me because what will I be expected to do as a stay at home mum?

So AIBU maintaining my stand of never ironing, in offering to help out as a "favour" with our joint ironing, and sometime his clothes; or is it my responsibility to share this chore?

OP posts:
Toddzoid · 03/05/2016 07:14

You don't need to iron bedsheets! Are you bonkers? (Or my grandma?) Grin.

When exH was here he ironed his uniform, I never went near an iron. Now I only iron DC uniform and occasionally something of mine that like you say, cannot be saved. Loathe ironing entirely. It's definitely his job, his clothes so his responsibility. Tell him that as well! Also stop ironing the bed linen.

BonerSibary · 03/05/2016 07:36

Don't become a long term SAHP if you have a partner who uses phrases like feminist hive mind and resents you calling yourself your preferred name. Don't even TTC until you have this attitude sorted out. As others have said, when someone tells you who they are believe them. You are right to be worried about the 'unsaid role' of a SAHP, in this situation, and you're talking about doing it for years at a time. Especially if you have more than one child. That's going to be a long time getting comments about you not bringing home the bacon and failing to adequately iron shirts.

noisyrice · 03/05/2016 07:53

What do you expect to be doing as a SAHM?

If it were me, I would expect to be doing all the housework, looking after the baby, etc. Dinner would be ready for the husband w

YouTheCat · 03/05/2016 07:57

Is it still the 1950s? Hmm

Original poster
Modestandatinybitsexy · 03/05/2016 09:00

Thanks all, this thread has really taken off and it's taken me ages to read through all the comments.

DH and I spoke this morning. I think he understands that I didn't like the way he spoke to me or thought that this was anything like joint responsibility. He said he was annoyed because all other jobs are joint so what else do I assume is his. I told him his shit his problem. There's nothing else on the house I think of as purely mine or his. Hopefully the ironing is a non issue from now on.

I would love to get a cleaner that irons but it's not an expense we can justify as we handle the work ourselves.

It's great to hear different opinions. Not that I personally agree with them all or think it will work for us. But if it works for you then that's great.

OP posts:
BonerSibary · 03/05/2016 09:03

What did he say to the your shit your problem comment?

FeralBeryl · 03/05/2016 09:08

Best plan is to LTB and marry a military soul! Grin no ones ironing is up to their standard so they acquiesce and do it all.
mum was onto a good thing
We iron the kids stuff as needed, I tumble dry everything which is practically ironing it.
If I'm feeling especially kind and I'm doing uniforms, I very occasionally do a shirt. Probably annually.
Am married to a feminist though who wouldn't dream of seeing it as 'my' job.
He's also far more tidy and organised than me.

KP86 · 03/05/2016 09:10

His shirts = his responsibility.

Once when I was on mat leave I thought I would surprise DH and iron all his shirts for the week. When I showed him that night he wasn't as appreciative as I thought he should be (in fact, he intimated that I should be doing them) so I never did it again. We don't iron unless absolutely necessary and these days pay the £5/week and send the shirts out to be done.

I would definitely be discussing roles while on ML now - the thing is, whatever happens on leave tends to be the set up if/when you go back to work. My thinking is that my job 7-6 (or whenever DH was out) was to look after baby. Anything outside those hours should be split 50/50. Otherwise when does the Mum/SAHP get a break? If I was able to get some housework done, fantastic, otherwise it was shared. I usually did most of the washing, cooking and tidying. We were lucky to still have a cleaner each fortnight.

YonicTrowel · 03/05/2016 09:13

Op, I'm sure there's plenty of your shit that you deal with without making a fuss. Buying tampons, tidying away makeup, spending the time when picking clothes to ensure they are non iron. Because it's your shit and you'd never expect your DH to be responsible for it, you aren't ticking it off in your head as a joint responsibility you should get cookies for doing.

Did you mention that the hive mind stuff was belittling?

Shining15 · 03/05/2016 09:14

I don't think this is about ironing, its about the idea that its the woman's job to serve and maintain the man

plantsitter · 03/05/2016 09:17

I am a SAHM AND my kids are at school and I don't iron DH's shirts. Step too far for me. I will wash his clothes in with the family stuff but I don't even iron my stuff so I'm not doing his.

If he can afford a tenner a fortnight there are plenty of services that take the shirts, iron them and deliver them back if you're not out in the sticks.

When my novel is published we're getting a cleaner ;)

Twinkie1 · 03/05/2016 09:31

I iron everything, even his cotton boxers that he wears after showering when he gets in. He always baths our youngest and puts her to bed so I view it as a good trade off. I'm a SAHM though, he works long hours, and take pleasure in having a nice tidy home and colour coordinated wardrobe with lovely crisp ironed clothes in.

Bonkers but horses for courses and all that.

OOAOML · 03/05/2016 09:32

Hardly any ironing gets done here. Mainly hama beads and the kids haven't done those for ages. And maybe I missed out on the secret ironing lessons that only girls get, or the ironing gene that only women have - I don't see why people think women are so much more suited to ironing than men.

I work longer hours and earn more than my husband. But I don't expect him to sort my clothes out because I am a functioning adult.

Stormtreader · 03/05/2016 09:37

I suspect he gets angry when it comes up because he was raised to firmly expect it would be part of married life, while simultaneously not being able to find a better argument than "but I want it!"

OTheHugeManatee · 03/05/2016 10:09

On the rare occasions I offer to iron a shirt for DH he is thankful and a bit guilty for letting me. Quite right too - ironing, like camping, is a thing I Do Not Do. It's certainly not my job just because I'm a woman Hmm

Most of the time he just outsources the whole work shirts thing to a laundry.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 03/05/2016 10:41

Neither of us iron if we can help it. I maybe have a spurt once every year or so and iron everything of mine that requires it, then don't wear them again once washed until the spirit calls me.

Occasionally, when one or both of us is going out for an evening, we might need something ironed, in which case whoever thinks about it will get the ironing board out. Or, if we're in a rush and the other's staying in what needs ironed will get thrown to the other person with a smile. Yes, it's asking for a favour but we're both happy to do it for the other and it really will only be one shirt or one blouse.

Neither of us would expect the other to do a lot, and definitely not regularly. If we needed it done on a regular basis we'd do it ourselves. Your DH is definitely being unreasonable about it!

GoblinLittleOwl · 03/05/2016 10:47

M & S non-iron shirts; they really work, as long as you never iron them.
Even if he is a fashion icon, they are suitable for work.

witsender · 03/05/2016 10:53

Charles Tyrwitt or however you spell it do fab non iron shirts. I don't iron, if dh wants to wear shirts he either irons them or buys these. I do the majority of the washing and cooking however, purely because of how our timings work. I'm not going to get the ironing board out just to iron his shirts however...in fact I don't even know where it is.

TheMaddHugger · 03/05/2016 11:03

Been married 31 yrs. Hubs irons, I don't. DS irons [Army] DD doesn't :D

Trunkadunk · 03/05/2016 11:07

As a sahm, I'd expect you to do the majority of the housework, including ironing his shirts.The M stands for mum, not maid.

Exactly. I'm a stay at home parent not a house wife. Hmm

I don't warm his slippers either.

I'm actually a bit stunned he had the front to ask you to do his ironing. Fair enough if he asked you as a favor but to think its your job, fuck that

Trunkadunk · 03/05/2016 11:10

Wonder if he expects you to start dong your half of his shaving for him too..

acquiescence · 03/05/2016 11:12

Do you mean duvet and pillows rather than the sheets? That is not U. Ironing the actual sheets is.

StarlingMurmuration · 03/05/2016 11:28

MIL always does DP's ironing if she visits. She then tells me that she's done the ironing for me. I always say, smiling sweetly, "Oh, DP will be pleased!"

noisyrice · 03/05/2016 11:47

Sorry pressed post too soon.

A SAHM's responsibilities are to clean the house, do housework, run errands and look after children.

What do you expect to be doing? Watching daytime TV while the baby sleeps?

expatinscotland · 03/05/2016 11:51

'A SAHM's responsibilities are to clean the house, do housework, run errands and look after children.

What do you expect to be doing? Watching daytime TV while the baby sleeps?'

In your opinion. The 1950s called, they want their attitude back.

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