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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wife work - AIBU?

252 replies

Modestandatinybitsexy · 02/05/2016 20:55

I don't iron. Except in those very rare occurrences that I have a job interview or a top has been so scrunched at the bottom of a pile that it cannot be saved.

DH has a lot of ironing to do so I offered to do the bedsheets to take the strain off him. He said it was fine.

The conversation then developed into why I didn't offer to help with the shirts. I said because I bought clothes with the aim to avoid ironing and they are his clothes, hence his responsibility. Fair enough, right?

He thought that as we share all other duties that we should share this. He then came out with the cracker that it could be thought that, as it's deemed necessary for his professional job that he wear a shirt then, it is in my best interest and the interest of the household that I do the ironing. This sounded to me that as I earn less than him I should be putting more in at home.

We both work full time, no kids yet, we both cook and clean. We are non traditional in that I am the lazier party but it can be argued I put more in that I would if I lived alone out of respect for him.

We are ttc, the above viewpoint worries me because what will I be expected to do as a stay at home mum?

So AIBU maintaining my stand of never ironing, in offering to help out as a "favour" with our joint ironing, and sometime his clothes; or is it my responsibility to share this chore?

OP posts:
foreverandalways · 03/05/2016 02:17

I worked full time, 3 children......4/5 bedroom house over 3 floors.....met my husband 28 years ago, married for 24.... Although my husband is extremely domesticated and has always cooked, I have starched his work and also non formal shirts for this length of time and the majority of the housework out of choice....I am now unfortunately disabled and no longer work.....OCD diagnosed alongside this is an absolute nightmare to try and live with....I am very proud of my husband who has always worked extremely long hours as he does now to provide for and be able to take care of me.....you should do all of the ironing and the majority of the housework......you should want to ensure that your husband looks smart when leaving home surely!!!

I Have always ironed all of the bed linen.....a creased bed is most certainly not a good look!!!

Italiangreyhound · 03/05/2016 02:27

Ironing bedsheets?????

Just decide before you have a family who will do what while you are at home.

We barely iron anything and we both do a bit, I work part time and DH works full time.

HelenaDove · 03/05/2016 02:43

But foreverandalways without you doing all that at home he wouldnt have been able to achieve all that outside of it.

Janecc · 03/05/2016 02:45

I do all the ironing including sheets. And yes, I buy non iron stuff for me. I buy and iron non iron shirts for dh - they only take 2/3 mins each. - I find the tumble drier wears them out faster and doesn't give a nice finish. I did pay to have his shirts laundered for a while but they got ruined after a few washes so I'd rather take that one on myself. Dh does tons of clearing up and washing up, some of the cooking, the bins, gardening - which I loathe. So it evens out, in fact he does more, much more because I'm ill. We pay for cleaners.
I think your dh wants to feel loved and special tbh. Dh sulks if I make myself a drink without offering him one for example and if I make him a cup of coffee in the morning, he comes over all soft and gooey like he's in heaven. Like wow - is that for me?!. I know it's really irrational and this sounds like your dh is doing the coffee thing with you. I don't think everything has to boil down to a feminist agenda and this isn't the start trying to impose a traditional role on you. He married you not a stepford housewife. Personally I'd rather pick my battles and if making a cup of coffee for my dh makes him happy when he does so much for me, I've realised as I've mellowed with age that this is what I need to do. I'm sure I do plenty of irrational stuff, which drives him up the wall too.
And I quite enjoy ironing actually, I have a mega powerful steam generator iron so it cuts the ironing time in half. I know an older lady, in her 80's now, who used to iron everything. Pants, socks, towels etc. She just loved to iron.

HelenaDove · 03/05/2016 02:45

So Forever a woman is responsible for the way her husband looks.

Seriously?

Janecc · 03/05/2016 02:50

Forever has OCD. It's ok if she feels like this, it could be part of her condition/anxieties.

ValancyJane · 03/05/2016 03:30

I do not iron much; DP is a grown man and can iron his own. I have offered once or twice when he was getting ready for interviews, but he said no.

I have a friend who I lost some respect for when she was getting herself and her toddler ready for an occasion, and she paused to iron her husbands shirt. Apparently he doesn't know how to iron (she said this in all seriousness!).

Janecc · 03/05/2016 04:02

Dh can iron just not well. I can tidy up just not well. The labour split is a no brainer for me. I would have said and done the same thing as your friend and as for losing respect, this is a snapshot of her life.

yehyehright · 03/05/2016 04:19

My DH has sometimes tried to say that his going to work counts as a contribution to domestic responsibilities. It's total BS as if the kids and I didn't exist he'd be doing the same exact thing. Knock that on the head right away. Don't be lazy though, that's not fair.

yehyehright · 03/05/2016 04:23

valency DH has tried that on me. I've told him where he can stick it!! I'm not sure why he thinks ironing ability is connected to oestrogen or something but I view that as his problem.

SeasonalVag · 03/05/2016 04:48

my tip....buy a trouser press. bedsheets get folder accurately then put in the trouser press....then i wander back to the fridge and forget about them for a bit. eh voiia! ironed sheets wihout any hassle!

flumpybear · 03/05/2016 05:17

DH irons his stuff and I iron mine - kids clothes usually don't need ironing but if they do then I'll do it - works in our house .... Bedsheets don't get ironed!
My MIL irons everything in her cheese, even fitted bedsheets are folded and ironed so well they look flat like flat sheets - surely there's better things to do ffs!!!

TheDowagerCuntess · 03/05/2016 06:21

What is it with men and ironing?!

And worse still, what is it with men expecting women to do men's ironing?

Why is it always, always that way around? Lots of women on this thread who say they iron their men's shirts, but about zero men ironing their woman's clothes.

When I was on maternity leave, DH tried to get me to iron his shirts. It's not something I'm ever going to do. I have very few clothes that need ironing, and besides, I do the DC's ironing and other household ironing. I do more than my fair share, as it is. Ironing is boring, monotonous, tedious work - which is why men don't want to do it! Grin

Maternity leave is a dim and distant memory, and we both work full time now. DH uses a local ironing service - he hates it that much, and I don't blame him. If he doesn't want to do it, he shouldn't have to. But neither should I.

MangoBiscuit · 03/05/2016 06:23

YANBU, your DH is.

"My opinion that I avoid ironing at all cost holds no steam as this HAS to be done."
It only has to be done because he CHOSE to buy shirts that need ironing, and he CHOSE a job / career that requires him to wear shirts.

Looking after your clothes falls firmly in the personal hygiene category. Clothes aren't shared.

Perhaps you should share ALL responsibilities. He can help you apply your make-up / shave your legs / brush your hair. You can help him shave.

heron98 · 03/05/2016 06:29

Why are you ironing bed sheets?!

TheDowagerCuntess · 03/05/2016 06:36

OP, you do realise this is as simple as 'no, I won't be doing that'.

That's it, that's all you have to say. End of conversation, no further correspondence entered into. No arguing, no endless negotiation. Just one simple little statement.

And then if he wants to sulk and strop about it, he can knock himself out! That's his business.

What's he going to do - frog-march you into the laundry and crack the whip over you?!

Sighing · 03/05/2016 06:46

His notion that he warns more / is more important for "the household". In my experience this entitled opinion will grow. Irrelevant that he could well end up with less working hours than you as primary carer to any children. First he'll need a break because he's been working all day. Then his weekends will become his "only chance" to relax and a thousand other comments to demonstrate his belief earning = superior; childcare= being "kept". Changing to paying less towards bills (because of mat leave) as scrounging. My ex did it and you see it all around, and on mumsnet. Caring for children and "letting" one partner off "real work"in the same breath.
You need to start getting an idea for what he thinks will hsppen if you have children.

pearlylum · 03/05/2016 06:52

dowager "What is it with men and ironing?! "

I would actually ask what it is with women and ironing? I was brought up by a mother who stern;y taught me that everything should be ironed, all clothes, socks, underwear, towels,sheets, cotton handkerchiefs, t towels, flannels, floor cloths and dusters.

I don't have an iron. Men I have lived with all see ironing as a mostly pointless activity, perhaps ironing only one or two things for themselves- and what's more I agree with them.

My mother like many of her generation would polish her brass ornaments weekly with brasso, scrub her front doorstep weekly on her hands and knees with a scrubbing brush and also iron everything. Women were judged on how orderly they kept their home and how well presented their husbands and children were turned out.
I remember gossiping women in the street talking about Mrs X who would hang out laundry and the whites were a little grey.
A hideous world, and ironing piles were part of it.

Maybe just this time men are right about bedsheets not being ironed, are we asking them to help us with our own shackles?

cosmicglittergirl · 03/05/2016 06:52

Get a cleaner who irons.

TheDowagerCuntess · 03/05/2016 06:58

Maybe just this time men are right about bedsheets not being ironed, are we asking them to help us with our own shackles?

Of course he's right about the bed sheets - the OP is trying to throw her shackles off by refusing to iron his shirts, but he's not letting her.

WhirlwindHugs · 03/05/2016 06:59

I'm a SAHP. DH irons his own shirts. He also often gets up in the night, gets the children breakfast, takes them to parties and a whole host of other things he can do for them/himself while he is home.

Because I am not a martyr, and he is not an arsehole.

pearlylum · 03/05/2016 07:01

dowager she could refuse to wear them.

yehyehright · 03/05/2016 07:01

sighing this pattern, or similar, commonly develops when both parents work FT too. Like Dowager said about men thinking it's ok to assume their wives should iron their clothes, I think men are commonly socialised to consider going to the office to fulfil their responsibilities to the family. My DH is like this. Because we tend to outsource most drudge work the realisation crept up on me slowly (it was a non-issue before dcs as neither of us ever cooked cleaned or washed anything) and it is now a pita because I don't think dominos/restaurant is the right option for all weekend meals with a family and he won't cook etc etc and same goes for everything else like kids' arrangements, homework, whatever.

OP be clear with yourself about what is a fair and sustainable arrangement for your family and enforce it consistently.

YonicTrowel · 03/05/2016 07:06

DowagerC, DH does any ironing I need because he will iron a batch of shirts at once and the odd thing of mine (my ironing is always far less than 10% of the total).

He's a lot better than me at ironing because he is a lot more practiced, having done it in this way for 20 years!

No sheets or kiddie clothes get ironed.

WaxyBean · 03/05/2016 07:11

DH irons his own shirts - he has about 20 so saves them up then irons once a month in front of a film. I don't iron anything of mine or the children's but if there is the odd piece that needs doing, DH will do it.

I once ironed a shirt to be nice - he asked me never to do it again as I apparently don't do it to Navy standards (his father taught him properly whereas I lived in a household where ironing was minimised).