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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wife work - AIBU?

252 replies

Modestandatinybitsexy · 02/05/2016 20:55

I don't iron. Except in those very rare occurrences that I have a job interview or a top has been so scrunched at the bottom of a pile that it cannot be saved.

DH has a lot of ironing to do so I offered to do the bedsheets to take the strain off him. He said it was fine.

The conversation then developed into why I didn't offer to help with the shirts. I said because I bought clothes with the aim to avoid ironing and they are his clothes, hence his responsibility. Fair enough, right?

He thought that as we share all other duties that we should share this. He then came out with the cracker that it could be thought that, as it's deemed necessary for his professional job that he wear a shirt then, it is in my best interest and the interest of the household that I do the ironing. This sounded to me that as I earn less than him I should be putting more in at home.

We both work full time, no kids yet, we both cook and clean. We are non traditional in that I am the lazier party but it can be argued I put more in that I would if I lived alone out of respect for him.

We are ttc, the above viewpoint worries me because what will I be expected to do as a stay at home mum?

So AIBU maintaining my stand of never ironing, in offering to help out as a "favour" with our joint ironing, and sometime his clothes; or is it my responsibility to share this chore?

OP posts:
Misselthwaite · 02/05/2016 21:56

This is a massive warning for you OP. If he's bright then it maybe worth chatting about it more as to why he thinks you should iron his shirts. I found maternity leave a real slippery slope in terms of DH's contributions. Going back to work was a real shock for both of us as I'd taken on so much at home and obviously he never complained I was doing too much when on maternity leave but he did complain a lot when he had to start doing more when I was back at work.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 02/05/2016 21:57

Believe, your dh is wrong and he should clean up his own mess.

In this case the shirts are nothing to do with op, why should she iron them? Her dh thinks she should as he earns more.

BuggertheTabloids · 02/05/2016 21:58

YANBU.
His shirts, his ironing.
I wouldn't dream of doing DH's ironing and he would not expect me to do so. I don't even do his washing.
He is crap at getting his ironing done so when I got fed up of the piles of shirts I pointed him in the direction of an ironing service. Job done.

BoatyMcBoat · 02/05/2016 21:58

Do not iron his shirts.

I would worry about having a child with this man. He could very easily be the type who 'babysits', or thinks changing a nappy is helping you.

suspiciousofgoldfish · 02/05/2016 21:59

I feel like I should be ironing my bedsheets? Confused

Also, Grin at "this holds no steam with him" OP. Nicely done.

On a more advisory and helpful note, your DH sounds mean. You both work, his shirts are his problem.

TradGirl · 02/05/2016 21:59

DH gets non-iron shirts. Problem solved. We're a non-ironing household :o

AppleAndBlackberry · 02/05/2016 21:59

I've never ironed DH's shirts unless he's been short on time and I've offered to help him out. I did his laundry when I was at home for a few years with small children but we both work now so he does quite a lot of the laundry too. I work school hours so I do most of the cooking and food shopping and general tidying but that works well for us. I would be unimpressed if it was suggested that I should iron his shirts to support his career. Where does it stop? Arranging his haircuts/dental appointments? Buying Christmas presents for his staff? Polishing his shoes? Taking his suits to the dry cleaners?

Judydreamsofhorses · 02/05/2016 22:00

I generally do DP's shirts - he has about 9,000 of them , so left to his own devices they would build up for months, waiting, and he would spend a whole day ironing. Rinse, repeat. I iron my own stuff as soon as it's dry and just do his at the same time. He would never ask/expect it and is always grateful. I don't do bed linen though!

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 02/05/2016 22:00

He's being a dick.

You haven't chosen his work wardrobe. He has. Therefore he is responsible for it. Same as you're responsible for yours.

You both prefer ironed bedding, you've offered to iron that. Fair play.

You share housework, be it grudgingly on your part. Again, fair enough.

He needs to fuck off with his patriarchal bullshit.

Trojanhorsebox · 02/05/2016 22:01

Believeitornot everyone in the house uses the toilet, keeping it clean is for everyone's benefit so should be a shared task unless one person agrees to take it on in exchange for another shared task - it drives me mad that in a house of 2 adults and 2 teens I am the only one with the life skills to clean toilets and bathrooms, but then I never do any gardening!

I don't agree that ironing his shirts is a shared household task as I don't think it is for everyone's comfort and benefit, it is for his benefit only, and it is his choice to wear shirts that need ironing.

SocksRock · 02/05/2016 22:02

I lent my iron to a friend. She gave it back to DH about three weeks later. He came home looking rather puzzled but neither of us had missed it...

SummerSazz · 02/05/2016 22:03

I've never ironed dh's shirts even when I had a spell at home. I definitely would NOT start doing it if you are at home on maternity leave otherwise it will ultimately end up as 'your' job by default.

madcapcat · 02/05/2016 22:03

My dh would never expect me to iron his shirts, although I do occasionally to help it. More frequently he irons things for me. Possibly because I used to just transfer my ironing pile to the charity shop pile every couple of years until the time I discovered a very dead mouse at the bottom of the heapBlush

kaitlinktm · 02/05/2016 22:06

why are you ironing the bedsheets? Or does your DH wear them to work too
Grin Grin

I have hardly ironed a thing since 1980. If people are soft enough to buy clothes that need ironing, why foist the tedious job on someone else. When my boys were at school I used to hang their ten school shirts up carefully on hangers and smoothed them out - job done! I did the same with my exDH's shirts when he had that sort of job. If he had wanted them ironing I would have done this Hmm

Original poster
Modestandatinybitsexy · 02/05/2016 22:07

SGB & Yonic it's not normally as an issue because we're almost always on the same page. Other issues we can compromise on. On areas where he sees a feminist agenda coming through he gets angry and refuses to acknowledge these are my feelings and not one of a hive mind.

We've grown up together. We've been a couple over ten years and have only just got married.

This is not a LTB issue. Him refusing to talk to me about it will only result in him doing the ironing in this case but I do acknowledge that this mechanism of pa arguing only leaves me frustrated and with unresolved issues.

We both want a family, it's something we're working towards. As for the sahm issue it will be reviewed when the time comes. Before school age we'd both like me to be at home but I'm worried about the unsaid role that comes along with this. His family are very traditional. His mum works from home but does everything in the house. And that's a future I want to avoid.

OP posts:
StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 02/05/2016 22:10

As a sahm, I'd expect you to do the majority of the housework, including ironing his shirts.

The M stands for mum, not maid.

Trojanhorsebox · 02/05/2016 22:14

His mum works from home but does everything in the house

that's the model he's grown up with and learnt from, if he thinks it works, then that will be his expectation for his own household - and he won't discuss alternatives as he spots a feminist agenda and gets angry.

Oh dear

emwithme · 02/05/2016 22:15

I don't iron my own clothes. I buy clothes that don't need ironing, and hang them up as soon as the tumble dryer is finished.

I do, iron DH's "formal" shirts - because I actually quite like ironing the odd shirt, I'm very good at it (both parents ex-Army) - if he asks me to, in good time, and I'm in the mood to do so, otherwise he does his own badly .

He volunteers with the Army Cadets. He is in charge of his uniform (from washing through drying to ironing). I don't touch it.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/05/2016 22:16

Oh dear. Men who consider feminism to be a 'hive mind' thing are men who actually don't like women and don't consider them to be full human beings. He might say he's open minded and believes in equality, but that translates as him getting his needs met and you being obedient - any suggestion that you might not want to oblige him is wicked feminism...

MummyBex1985 · 02/05/2016 22:20

I iron the bedsheets. And I iron my DHs shirts.

He makes up for it by doing other jobs though. As long as the labour is reasonably divided then I don't care too much who does what.

BlahBlahBlahWhatever · 02/05/2016 22:21

I don't own an iron

YonicTrowel · 02/05/2016 22:22

"On areas where he sees a feminist agenda coming through he gets angry and refuses to acknowledge these are my feelings and not one of a hive mind. "

Hmm.

I assume he has the odd political opinion?

Does he consider these to be a product of a hive mind, or only your opinions as and when they are inconvenient to him?

Any thoughts around both going part time after kids?

Ilovewillow · 02/05/2016 22:24

If he is that bothered tell him to send his shirts out to be ironed! I am anal ironer so I do all the ironing bar shirts and sheets which I send out but to be fair my husband does all the cooking. If you are going to be a SAHM I would be discussing roles now so you are both happy.

BrownAjah · 02/05/2016 22:26

I would be having the SAHM discussion well before you are pregnant. Big mistake to wait until it's too late to discover he expects you to become his mother as well as the child's!

Shining15 · 02/05/2016 22:30

On areas where he sees a feminist agenda coming through he gets angry and refuses to acknowledge these are my feelings and not one of a hive mind
he sounds a bit 'red pill' to me
He then came out with the cracker that it could be thought that, as it's deemed necessary for his professional job that he wear a shirt then, it is in my best interest and the interest of the household that I do the ironing

I think this is an opening move in a long game via which he is working towards the kind of set up that his parents had, this is what feels natural and right to him and he will gravitate towards it

I say up your game and out manoeuvre him

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