To worry I've turned into the attachment mum horror

[ASAS]

So, as a seasoned MNer I'm asking you lovely lot to judge me as tbh I know I'll get the truth.

My DS. Darling Son. Without droning on we attachment parent because honestly I just assumed that's what everyone was doing, comfort him when he cries, let him explore, respond to his cues etc etc. I just thought that's how we (all parents) did it. I kind of still do as I genuinely rarely see a shouty mum, we're all quite new age and chilled aren't we?! Anyway, that was background to let you know I don't see my parenting as that unusual.

My son is now 4 and wonderful. Me, however, not so wonderful after the following happened. Please hand me grip if you feel it's needed...

In church this morning a woman in front of me, who I didn't recognise, turned to me and said, "Have some respect. Sit your child on your knee." For context we'd moved pews next to a toddler he loves to play with. My son and the toddler were not making any noise but were walking (within arms reach). I was so ashamed that I picked up my son, and spent the rest of the service on steps outside.

I love church. It might as well be a spa day for how good it is for me, and everyone is always so lovely to my son. Afterwards the toddlers mum came and found me in the playroom and was a bit lost too but it was me not her the woman spoke to.

Yes, he's wild and I'm crunchy. But he's also so lovely that he asked if he could take the box of donuts he earned as a reward to church this morning to share with everyone, unprompted. He's not naughty, just 4. But is that me being a defensive attachment parent with a pfb?

So go on. Have I done this totally wrong?

Does attachment parenting mean 'giving your child no boundaries'? I thought it was just some pseudoscience about not letting your baby cry.

X post - but depends on the church still stands

You think your son is wild because you wear jeans to church, and that makes you an attachment parent? Okay.....

The woman was judgy and in the minority. Most people don't mind at all, they're just pleased to see the younger generation in church. We're not in Victorian times any more and your DC wasn't being noisy.

Under 5s shouldn't be in church

We don't make our children sit down in church but what ever they do they must do it quietly. They are 4, 2 and 0. The older 2 know to sit still for prayers and normally colour or look at books.

I would consider myself an attachment parent but you still have to apply boundaries. Walking about and playing in a place like a church isn't appropriate to my mind. I would have made dd sit on my knee. And would probably have told her we would play with her friend after church.

Your child is old enough to start following social expectations and norms. Never teaching him any doesn't make you attachment it makes you a bit feeble

I wear jeans to church.

I thought ap was about developing a strong attachment with your baby by holding them a lot. Why does it = not telling four year olds to sit down in church?

I wouldn't judge an under 3 walking around in church (if not disturbing proceedings) but at 4 they are old enough to learn to sit down.

Attachment parenting doesn't mean you can ignore social rules.

Let the little children come to me...
If he's not heckling and generally causing a big disturbance and there's no facility for them to stay out eg kids church or crèche, then you have as much right to be there as grumpy woman.

If he's not happy sitting on your knee for an hour, it's totally fine for him to wander a bit!

I am also an 'attachment parent', probably also sometimes an 'attachment parent horror'. Perhaps less so though, as DS has just turned 4 and I can't remember a time I didn't insist he sit down and be quiet when I thought the situation demanded it (including the one time I took him to a bit of evensong). Part of gentle parenting is helping a child learn how to behave in socially considerate ways, IMO.

That said, the woman in church wasn't particularly kind and I don't think her response was the right one. Agree with pp that churches vary so much on this - my church is definitely not a child friendly one (v high Anglo-Catholic), but that works for me as I worship during my lunch break and stay at home with DS on Sundays. If her reaction surprised you I imagine you are acting within the normal expected small child and parent behaviour at your church.

he'll walk around undeterred by me (unless it's dangerous etc)

When kids start school they need to have an inkling of the fact that there are times that they have to sit still, not because it's dangerous not to, but because it's what's being asked of them.

I think 4 is high time he started to learn this tbh. Church would be a good place to start. He's not a toddler any more.

(really don't get the wild/jeans/crunchy stuff )

Personally I think church is no place for under fives

What happened to this then...

"Then some children were brought to Him so that He might lay His hands on them and pray; and the disciples rebuked them. But Jesus said, "Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.""

I've never heard of a church banning under 5s!

How do you attachment parent a 4 year old?
I don't know any "new age" parents - so I don't know why you are assuming that everyone is one?
I didn't understand "wild and crunchy".
I don't understand why your DS had a box of doughnuts as a reward.

TBH it sounds like you need to start thinking about boundaries - children really do need them to grow up happy.

You seem overly keen to label yourself. Crunchy is a term I tend to find used by people who are keen to be seen to subscribe to a set of values or whatever. It's rarely used by anyone else. In my experience, of course.

Some church goers prefer to not have kids wandering around and playing Other churches are very tolerant of it and have areas set up for kids etc. Only you know what yours is like.

I'm slightly at a loss as to your introduction on attachment parenting. I'm also slightly at a loss as to the AIBU. Someone said something to you in church. You went out, which was probably unnecessary.

In the nicest possible way, OP, nothing really happened.

What does this have to do with attachment parenting? I'm a liberal parent but don't do AP. Liberal parenting and AP are different.

the last "wandering child in church" thread turned in to the most almighty bunfight
Op could you stop with the daft "i'm so cool and hippy" shtick it's irritating and means I can't understand what on earth you are on about.

Are 4 year olds still toddlers? I'd say 4 was definitely old enough to sit down in church in the absence of any special needs.
I thought you were going to say he was 18 months old.
Church lady was still a bit rude but I think I'd be being a bit judgey if you were letting your 4 year old walk around.

Well, at 4 there will be an increasingly large number of times when his desire to do something has to be tempered with the demands of the environment (e.g. school assembly, a busy restaurant), or other people (church-goers, cinema-goers).

I think there's an argument about children being allow dot be children in church, and you and she are on opposite sides of that debate, but I am a bit startled by your assertion that you have ^never6 made him sit down and shush

That's a bit unrealistic and disrespectful to other people around you.

How is he at nursery/school?

that should have said "children being allowed to be children in church"