To worry I've turned into the attachment mum horror

[ASAS]

So, as a seasoned MNer I'm asking you lovely lot to judge me as tbh I know I'll get the truth.

My DS. Darling Son. Without droning on we attachment parent because honestly I just assumed that's what everyone was doing, comfort him when he cries, let him explore, respond to his cues etc etc. I just thought that's how we (all parents) did it. I kind of still do as I genuinely rarely see a shouty mum, we're all quite new age and chilled aren't we?! Anyway, that was background to let you know I don't see my parenting as that unusual.

My son is now 4 and wonderful. Me, however, not so wonderful after the following happened. Please hand me grip if you feel it's needed...

In church this morning a woman in front of me, who I didn't recognise, turned to me and said, "Have some respect. Sit your child on your knee." For context we'd moved pews next to a toddler he loves to play with. My son and the toddler were not making any noise but were walking (within arms reach). I was so ashamed that I picked up my son, and spent the rest of the service on steps outside.

I love church. It might as well be a spa day for how good it is for me, and everyone is always so lovely to my son. Afterwards the toddlers mum came and found me in the playroom and was a bit lost too but it was me not her the woman spoke to.

Yes, he's wild and I'm crunchy. But he's also so lovely that he asked if he could take the box of donuts he earned as a reward to church this morning to share with everyone, unprompted. He's not naughty, just 4. But is that me being a defensive attachment parent with a pfb?

So go on. Have I done this totally wrong?

[bigbuttons]

All the crunchy parents I have ever met have brilliant reasons for their dc's terrible behaviour. It was usually something to do with hormones. I once watched one 'wild' 9 year old play far too roughly with other boys at a play park. His mother, who was indeed very crunchy, smiled and informed me he was having a typical 9 year old male testosterone surge and that his behaviour was normal and shouldn't be interfered with.

Strangely I have never forgotten that one.
Even more strange that none of my three ds's have ever had this testosterone surge. They must have an imbalance or something

[Sparklingsky]

Maybe she was having a bad day, maybe she was in need of prayers and soothing words, maybe she was irritated by the noise level - who knows. Perhaps she could have been more polite, and less forceful. You are best placed to know.

From your description she sounded very rude and insensitive. I'm not surprised you were taken aback.

I would take this as an opportunity to consider whether my choice of parenting aproach was raising a child to be considerate and thoughtful of others, as well as independent (and free thinking?) If you are - then stuff the old bat (or feel sorry for her current emotional state - whichever seems more appropriate).

If you are questioning whether society generally encourages children to be more involved - then yes. Should a 4 yr old be given free reign in a church - no. Different behaviours for different situations. If he can't yet manage this, I would bring things to keep him occupied and to manage the hour. I think most 4 yr old would struggle for a while hour. But when they do get up, they shouldn't be disruptive. That's the real issue for me.

A toddler wobbling up and down an aisle is one thing. A chatting 4 yr old playing around is another.

[MardleBum]

I don't think attachment parenting is the issue here, I think a lack of basic discipline, manners and boundaries are the issues here.

[HPsauciness]

It sounds like the main church wasn't used to having the children in there, and that's why this lady was disgruntled.

I don't think there's any right or wrong here, ideally you could have sat your son down for a short while at least, but equally not all four year olds play ball even at the best of times and even with the least crunchy parents!

You also took him out which suggest you are considerate of others, rather than just carrying on.

You normally take the preschool and are involved in Church life, so can you have a chat with the vicar? (not to tell tales, don't say the name of the lady, just chat about how it went with the children in there).

We have a children's service on days there's no sunday school if they are in for the whole hour, and this limits the tolerance of the congregation rather than a free-for-all each week. Otherwise they are in for 20-30 min tops before going off to do their own thing.

What a shame as it sounds like you give a lot to the church and it doesn't sound like your son was even doing anything terribly disruptive.

[randdom]

I am sorry that this happened to you. She was being unreasonable. At the church I attend while we try to keep our children with us (until they go out to their activities) no one bats an eyelid if they make a little bit of noise.

[Justmeagain78]

Yeah I took my dd to a charity concert at a church and she played quietly at the back just making the occasional louder noise when she got a bit carried away. We were getting lots of dirty looks from the largely elderly audience so I took her and the toys into the rear foyer until the concert was over. (Ironically it was for a children's charity!) We were obviously spoiling it for others so I did the decent thing. I didn't take it personally. There is often a big void between those who are used to having children in their environment and those who aren't. You can't realistically keep a child if that age quiet for a long time and they can't help it if they just want to concentrate on the service without the distraction of restless children. Just one of those things that can hopefully be resolved with a bit of compromise.

[HeffalumpHistory]

I used to wear jeans to church (haven't gone for a loong time), I don't think jeans are an issue.

Parenting isn't limited to two ways ie. It's not just "new age" as you put it and shouty parents. I wouldn't consider myself in either of these camps.

Attachment parenting doesn't mean you shouldn't teach boundaries/only intervene of something is dangerous (imo)

I think children should be welcomed into church & most people I encountered weren't fussed with them having a small toy/walking along pew as long as within parents reach/having a snack. At 4 no one should really expect him to sit & listen & take it all in. There is s limit though & running riot/being loud & disruptive shouldn't be on (not saying your ds was, just in general)
As a pp said, there will be no churches in 20years if the next generation aren't there to carry on the faith/worship not well put but ykwim

[Witchend]

I go to a fairly traditional CofE church. I'd say there are more jeans worn than anything else across all ages.

Speaking as a parent of 3dc, the youngest of whom would be described as lively on a quiet day... I found it an absolute nightmare when I was trying to keep him quiet and someone kindly brought their older child over to play. Because two children are noisier together than playing separately plus it becomes much harder to say to a child sssh, sit still when there's an older child moving around. And they remember it.
"mummy, Joshua was allowed to run all round last week".
I personally, particularly with my younger pair had to be very consistent about what was allowed.

[dustarr73]

Yes, he's wild and I'm crunchy

This has to be my favourite line from MN ever

[Narp]

I have learned a new word today.

[DeadGood]

"There's not much to say except that the other lady was quite obviously in the wrong. DCs of all ages and vocal ranges should be encouraged in churches because, frankly, without them attending in twenty years time churches will no longer exist."

Agree

[Fourormore]

"I would have given her a steely glare and said "he's four, what would Jesus do?"

I love this!

[Floggingmolly]

He wants to walk so I let him walk. Not in a church... If he's four he'll be starting school soon (or has he already started?). That'll be fun for the teacher; a child who does exactly what he wants, when he wants.
Your reaction sounds a little OTT, though. She asked you to stop your child "playing" in the aisles and you spent the rest of the service sitting outside on the steps??

[SallyMcgally]

Really does depend on the church. In our church we worry about not having many children and very actively welcome children. That means accepting that they get VERY noisy sometimes. Some people get annoyed by the noise. Our vicar's view is that Jesus called the little children to come to him, not to sit down and shut up.
I think the woman was quite unpleasant to you tbh.

[wherethewildthingis]

I fucking love "attachment parents". Go on then, tell us what attachment is? How do you know when a child is " attached " properly?

[liinyo]

A man in our church once walked out of a service in protest at some (not particularly) noisy toddlers. The next week our priest addressed the issue from the altar and reminded the congregation that as well as the main body of the church there was also a soundproof side chapel.....and anyone who didn't want to hear the children was welcome to sit in there! Children are the future of every religious community and they and their parents should be made welcome.

[Floggingmolly]

Who gave him an entire box of doughnuts for a reward? Reward for what?
And he brought them to Church to randomly hand out to complete strangers?
You are That is really weird, actually...

[500internalerror]

Might be time volunteer to run a Sunday school during the main service 😄

At 4, I'd never have let my kids sit by any others, they couldn't even sit together - it's tempting trouble. I'd take colouring/book & let them do that next to me. Better than disturbing people.

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

I don't get it personally. When ds was little I'd take him out the back of he acted up. By four he knew to sit quietly.

[bittapitta]

You've confused "attachment parenting" with "permissive parenting" OP.

This is a weird aibu.

[TimeToMuskUp]

I don't think I attachment parented anyone in our house except the cat when it was a kitten as I had to get up every two hours to bottle feed it. That's presumably why the cat loves me more than the DCs do.

[maras2]

Thank goodness that my church has a room for 'lovely,wild children'and their crunchy (wtf) parents.Op have a less hippy moment when you inflict your style of parenting on other people.

[BennyTheBall]

At 4, surely he's a bit old for the 'attachment' style of parenting?

If he can't sit still, I'd leave taking him until he can. You might be there (in your jeans - yeah it's 2016 and most people do this) being crunchy but some of the congregation appreciate the peace in order to pray.