To worry I've turned into the attachment mum horror

[ASAS]

So, as a seasoned MNer I'm asking you lovely lot to judge me as tbh I know I'll get the truth.

My DS. Darling Son. Without droning on we attachment parent because honestly I just assumed that's what everyone was doing, comfort him when he cries, let him explore, respond to his cues etc etc. I just thought that's how we (all parents) did it. I kind of still do as I genuinely rarely see a shouty mum, we're all quite new age and chilled aren't we?! Anyway, that was background to let you know I don't see my parenting as that unusual.

My son is now 4 and wonderful. Me, however, not so wonderful after the following happened. Please hand me grip if you feel it's needed...

In church this morning a woman in front of me, who I didn't recognise, turned to me and said, "Have some respect. Sit your child on your knee." For context we'd moved pews next to a toddler he loves to play with. My son and the toddler were not making any noise but were walking (within arms reach). I was so ashamed that I picked up my son, and spent the rest of the service on steps outside.

I love church. It might as well be a spa day for how good it is for me, and everyone is always so lovely to my son. Afterwards the toddlers mum came and found me in the playroom and was a bit lost too but it was me not her the woman spoke to.

Yes, he's wild and I'm crunchy. But he's also so lovely that he asked if he could take the box of donuts he earned as a reward to church this morning to share with everyone, unprompted. He's not naughty, just 4. But is that me being a defensive attachment parent with a pfb?

So go on. Have I done this totally wrong?

I was brought up Catholic. Went to church from birth. Never ever would have been allowed out of the pew during the mass. My parents were hippy. Didn't shout. Etc. But church was for looking at books if not listening daydreaming

Totally agree that jeans to church makes you comfortably mainstream, I'm afraid - go to fairly high Anglican Church and jeans are the norm.

We must have wildly differing interpretations of attachment parenting, I thought it was all about bond and attunement - which, um, works both ways, so the highly attuned parent and child pick up on each other's emotions and cues, and behaviour adapts from that (most some of the time). So with DC in church at that age, I did my best to tune in fully to what was going on in their active little head, ready to distract/soothe/quieten or if necessary take outside for a bit. They also tended to pick up on my mood, that this was a place where I felt calm and quiet, and they were a bit calmer and quieter too. That was totally dependent on a close focus on each other - throw in a playmate or other distraction and it all goes out of the window

Church is a family and all ages should feel welcome - and all ages should adjust a bit if they see they are making life harder for someone around them.

So confused

Attachment parenting continues into teens if done properly. But that's because it isn't permissive, and it isn't just about cuddling and no tears. If pushed I would say we are AP, but my kids often cry when they are told they can't do something. Because there are things they are not allowed to do for their safety, and that of those around them, and the happiness and comfort of the whole household. Only difference being that we empathise with their tears and don't just dictate to them. This is applicable however old the child.

This lady sounds rude, but only you know the atmosphere of your church. You didn't have to leave though. However try to avoid labelling yourself, your style isn't unusual.

Well for a start you're not an attachment parent, just a parent.

Do you think other (in your opinion) non attachment parents don't pick their kids up when they cry?

How awful your experience of other parents must be.

A whole box of doughnuts for a four year old does seem a bit OTT, surely a Crunchie would have sufficed?

And wtf is a crunchy parent?

Fwiw I took mine to a service in Fulham a few weeks ago. It was pandemonium - kids chatting, crying, playing, picnicking in the pews.

Bloody brilliant. The vicar is really family friendly and everyone just gets stuck in.

Maybe find a new church op. Yours sounds dismal.

Oh and a little parenting tip from me: the stare of death works wonders and is non violent.

You're welcome

Also worth noting that many 'true' AP/unconditional parents are very anti the whole reward/bribery thing. A whole box of donuts?!

Tsk OP, if your jeans are crunchy it's time to put them on the washing machine (or, being so New Age and a riot to boot, perhaps take them down to the nearest river and bash them against some rocks for a bit).

Am I an attachment parent if mine won't leave me the fuck alone?

If love to disattach. Is there a handbook?

Ah, this is the reason I don't go to church. Whilst the vast majority of 'religious' people are lovely, the most awful, judgemental and rude people I've ever met have been within the walls of religious establishments. My Grandfather was a vicar, so I say this with a ridiculous number of church hours under my belt. This will offend some, but to those people, dig deep, you know it's true

I can understand why she was annoyed. This wasn't just letting him let off a bit of steam. By moving pews to let him play with another child this was actively facilitating disruption.

I mean FFS, moving pews in the middle of a service is rude anyway, you wouldn't do that in the cinema.

Hehe, this is such a MN thread, I love the box of donuts detail. I presume they were dissapointingly healthy low fat, low sugar, whole wheat, non fried donuts.

Anyway OP, please print out a copy of this thread and read it when your crunchy DS is doing his GCSE's or A'Levels. My bet is that you have forgotten all this crap about being laid back and chilled the moment your DS decides to be laid back and chilled about his revision.

I could so eat a box of donuts right now.

My dad always reckoned the whole point of church attendance was to teach kids how to sit still and look decent for 45 minutes. Sorry OP, but if your DS isn't old enough to manage that, then he probably should be confined to your lap. Attachment parenting doesn't seem relevant here tbh.

I think I might be an attachment parent

Aaaargh

There isn't a rule that kids have to sit down and shut up. Each and every one of you posting here will have differing ideas on how to bring up children and the Op is no more right or wrong than anyone else.

But op actually moved pews because the Wild One had spotted a toddler he likes to play with, Finally. It was a church service, not a flaming soft play session.
I don't think the woman was rude to ask her to restrain her child from careering round the aisles with his toddler sidekick.
Makes you wonder why op was there at all, really. It's not supposed to be a social occasion.

So your son was wandering about in church and somebody was annoyed honestly people go to church to worship and your son was playing i can see why the woman was annoyed i dont see what AP has to do with anything

I second the 'find another church'. There are plenty of them who are happy for kids to he wandering. It's a family, families are noisy and messy

Ha ha, I think I've cheered myself up that crunchy is causing such a stir! Where I am it means I don't know, sort of relaxed, unkempt (but clean, not actually crunchy) but well happy.

I suppose what I've done is misjudged the situation then felt bad. I feel bad because I didn't recognise this woman and don't know if she really needed peace, quiet and prayer. I am aware that if this is the case I've wrecked it for her.

I think I misjudged as church is usually also very crunchy. The reason the toddler caught our attention is because the congregation were singing to him, we put a child's name in a song. But I better be quiet now before I seem full scale hippy.

And the donuts are a reward because we reward desired behaviour such as please, thank you, patience, sharing. We verbalise when this happens and why it's good. If it happens constantly for a week DS gets to pick a treat on Saturdays. He pick £1 Tesco mini donuts. Full fat, non lentil, non crunchy. He wanted to take them to church to put on the snack trolley to share. I think this is lovely and told him so. If he hadn't done that the box would have lasted a week getting one at a time.

Thanks for everyone's replies. It's sometimes needed to hear your child isn't necessarily adored by all :)