To worry I've turned into the attachment mum horror

[ASAS]

So, as a seasoned MNer I'm asking you lovely lot to judge me as tbh I know I'll get the truth.

My DS. Darling Son. Without droning on we attachment parent because honestly I just assumed that's what everyone was doing, comfort him when he cries, let him explore, respond to his cues etc etc. I just thought that's how we (all parents) did it. I kind of still do as I genuinely rarely see a shouty mum, we're all quite new age and chilled aren't we?! Anyway, that was background to let you know I don't see my parenting as that unusual.

My son is now 4 and wonderful. Me, however, not so wonderful after the following happened. Please hand me grip if you feel it's needed...

In church this morning a woman in front of me, who I didn't recognise, turned to me and said, "Have some respect. Sit your child on your knee." For context we'd moved pews next to a toddler he loves to play with. My son and the toddler were not making any noise but were walking (within arms reach). I was so ashamed that I picked up my son, and spent the rest of the service on steps outside.

I love church. It might as well be a spa day for how good it is for me, and everyone is always so lovely to my son. Afterwards the toddlers mum came and found me in the playroom and was a bit lost too but it was me not her the woman spoke to.

Yes, he's wild and I'm crunchy. But he's also so lovely that he asked if he could take the box of donuts he earned as a reward to church this morning to share with everyone, unprompted. He's not naughty, just 4. But is that me being a defensive attachment parent with a pfb?

So go on. Have I done this totally wrong?

[JasperDamerel]

A four year old in school will not have to sit in silence for an hour while adults talk about stuff not aimed at him.

A four year old in a restaurant will probably be able to sit down for half an hour while chatting, eating and colouring, go for a walk to the loo and sit still for the rest of the meal while also talking and eating.

Some four year olds will be able to sit through an exciting feature film aimed at children of their age with a little bit of wriggling and chat.

[AuntieStella]

The term "attachment parenting" didn't exist when mine were small, and yes most of it is just what parents do (doesn't need a label).

Letting your DC play (or deliberately bring them up to interact with other toddlers) in the middle of pews where people are praying is disrespectful.

It's why parents use Sunday School or sit at the back or sides. Then everyone gets what they came to the service for.

[redexpat]

X post with waitrose!

[TheCaptainsCat]

My grandma died recently, and as a devout Catholic her funeral was a Requiem Mass in the rather imposing local Catholic Church. My 2.5yo nephew was being VERY loud during parts of the service, but beforehand the priest was chatting to SIL saying don't worry about noise etc etc etc. I chipped in saying my grandma would have minded one bit, and the priest responded with "and neither will he" gesturing towards the crucifix. So there, grumpy woman

[Arkwright]

There was a similar thread a while ago. Your child needs to sit still and be quiet during the mass. It's not appropriate for him to be walking round. Surely you could see all the other children sitting quietly with their parents.

[CamdenTownie]

I can't believe some of the replies.

My vicar would be so cross if a member of the congregation said that to a parent, she's always talking about how important it is for children to be in church.

I've been taking my kids along forever and only once has anyone commented negatively, dd gave her a huge smile in return.

I think you should forget about it, if it happens again speak to the vicar or a church warden. It's not on to make anyone feel unwelcome, regardless of age.

[bigbuttons]

IME children of crunchy parents are always a bloody nightmare. Crunchy parents think their children can do no wrong.
Children of crunchy parents have been the most violent and anti social of all children that I have come across.
There used to be a steiner playgroup in our village hall. The kids would go and trash the trees outside, literally pulling branches off and their parents would ignore them.
Bloody hate them.

[TheCaptainsCat]

Also, what does 'Crunchy' even mean in this context? I'm picturing crispy decade old Birkenstocks for some reason!

[ASAS]

I think I'm going to bow out of the before it ends up on the Daily Fail.

He sits, listens etc fine at nursery, dinner, any other time. I never have to shush him because he knows the rules and we reward desired behaviour hence the donuts. I feel he's learning to be considerate of others hence taking the donuts to share unprompted.

Our church is generally very child friendly, I take the preschool Sunday School, it has a play room and separate assembly type room for kids stuff and snacks but we were all in the service today (for a reason).

But I do take on board I should have either told him to sit or stayed away from his friend til the end.

I suppose I just felt very judged and I've pondered what prompted that and whether it was my appearance.

But anyway, thank you.

[havalina1]

I'm Catholic, some people think our Mass is very formal, but in my old parish I used to bring my baby up to the age of 1 to mass. It was completely baby friendly and I'd breastfeed too if I had to. The priest actually told me to do whatever I needed to do in the church (when we were chatting about her baptism) so posters please don't assume children and their antics are not welcome in the more traditional churches. Ours was a very friendly one with kids crawling about and lots of off-key, joyous singing. Think folks turning round in the pews to coo over your babbling/crying baby - not glare and insist you "show some respect".

I think that woman was rude, especially saying the "have some respect" bit. Disappointing. Please don't let it spoil your future days.

[teafortoads]

So much for God loving everyone (even wild 4 year olds). If churches don't want to die out with many of the ancient fossils who frequent them, they would do well to be family/young person friendly. Is there another church near you which is a bit more laid back? Failing that smile beatifically and ignore.

[bigbuttons]

yes you were judged, that is why you feel judged. Anyone who describes themselves as crunchy will get my back up straight away.

[hobnobsaremyfavourite]

Doubt it had anything to do with your appearance.

[MammaTJ]

Attachment parenting is being close to your child, not letting them run wild in church!

WTF is 'crunchy' apart from say 'noisy food', which I assume you are not.

I am aware this makes me sound old and not cool, or crunchy, whatever that may be, and I am fine with that

[hobnobsaremyfavourite]

The church i attend has over a thousand people attend over three services. Def not about old fossils.
Children are very welcome and well catered for but a level of basic decency of everyone attending old or young means everyone is happy. Yes allowances are made but also an expectation of consideration.

[randomer]

mmm I'm just thinking school.....wandering around is probably going to be limitied

[FirstWeTakeManhattan]

Yes, he's wild and I'm crunchy'

It's a hard line to get past, OP, it really is. And going on to describe yourself as 'looking like a riot' and the 'new age and chilled' stuff. I would honestly drop all that stuff as it doesn't half sound like showboating.

I think I find your thread title 'To worry I've turned into the attachment mum horror'
very slightly disingenuous, as I don't think that you think you're that at all.

As I said in my earlier post, nothing really happened. You're not perfect, neither is your son, and neither is the woman in church. I'm still lost about the AP bit.

Finally, a entire box of doughnuts as a reward is a lot. I'm not surprised he needed to share them .

[molyholy]

Church is BORING. If that woman expected 4yo to sit through a sermon for almost an hour without moving, then she is deluded. If it's a church where kids aren't allowed to move during the service, then I think yabu for taking him. I only attend for births, deaths and marriages, but I remember a christening and the priest said 'please don't sush your children during this service. Children are a joy and I want to see them playing and happy, not being forced to sit down and be quiet'. It was great.

[bigbuttons]

crunchy= alternative, sort of lentil weaving, hippie. Usually a euphemism for flouting conventional societal rules because they don't suit.

[WorraLiberty]

This is the wildest, crunchiest thread I've ever read.

A complete riot in fact.

[Savagebeauty]

Is your child spirited as well???

[t1mum]

It really gets my goat when people confuse attachment parenting with allowing inappropriate behaviour (not sure whether the behaviour of the OP's DS was inappropriate because I don't know the church).

I probably have some attachment parenting credentials (BF until my DD was ready to stop, sling wearer, BLW, co-sleeper, etc) but I don't understand how that equates to not setting boundaries for your children. At 2 or 3 my DD was ready to participate in church family services although I'd do things like put her on my hip and rock to the music during hymns etc. to keep her happy/involved. If she needed to walk round and it wasn't the right time in the service I'd take her out for a bit.

From wikipedia about Sears "one should not equate discipline and insensitive caregiving." I thought the point of attachment parenting was that the child learns societal norms etc by observing them from a position of secure attachment to the parent, not that the kids did exactly as they pleased.

[AdjustableWench]

From your description your son wasn't being disruptive. So the woman who told you to 'have some respect' is probably the sort of person who likes to berate others for the 'fun' of it. It's usually best to ignore people like that - they feed on your reaction.

[PPie10]

You sound a bit . I'm sure you describe your darling as spirited as well.

[meditrina]

Children should be welcomed in church, and should be allowed to move and play.

But not necessarily right in the middle of the worshippers who are quiet, still and meditative.

There's usually plenty of room for both types, and I really can't see why OP needed to let her DC play in the row immediately behind quiet/still worshippers.