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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry I've turned into the attachment mum horror

388 replies

ASAS · 01/05/2016 17:59

So, as a seasoned MNer I'm asking you lovely lot to judge me as tbh I know I'll get the truth.

My DS. Darling Son. Without droning on we attachment parent because honestly I just assumed that's what everyone was doing, comfort him when he cries, let him explore, respond to his cues etc etc. I just thought that's how we (all parents) did it. I kind of still do as I genuinely rarely see a shouty mum, we're all quite new age and chilled aren't we?! Anyway, that was background to let you know I don't see my parenting as that unusual.

My son is now 4 and wonderful. Me, however, not so wonderful after the following happened. Please hand me grip if you feel it's needed...

In church this morning a woman in front of me, who I didn't recognise, turned to me and said, "Have some respect. Sit your child on your knee." For context we'd moved pews next to a toddler he loves to play with. My son and the toddler were not making any noise but were walking (within arms reach). I was so ashamed that I picked up my son, and spent the rest of the service on steps outside.

I love church. It might as well be a spa day for how good it is for me, and everyone is always so lovely to my son. Afterwards the toddlers mum came and found me in the playroom and was a bit lost too but it was me not her the woman spoke to.

Yes, he's wild and I'm crunchy. But he's also so lovely that he asked if he could take the box of donuts he earned as a reward to church this morning to share with everyone, unprompted. He's not naughty, just 4. But is that me being a defensive attachment parent with a pfb?

So go on. Have I done this totally wrong?

OP posts:
havalina1 · 02/05/2016 10:45

Crunchy is used frequently in the US, and I see it on loads of parenting groups. Some of you need to peek out from your MN rock! It's been around a few years.

Original poster
ASAS · 02/05/2016 10:50

Hello everyone, OP here.

Thank you all for your time. I have taken everything on board. I could probably be doing with having a word with myself, it's not my son's fault he's just very at home in church. Because he easily sits and listens when required I think as he's more used to the child centric areas of church I perhaps thought meh and let him roam yesterday.

A little too crunchy of me eh?!

Happy bank holiday everyone :)

OP posts:
Member251061 · 02/05/2016 10:52

An old lady once told me that my daughter's crying in church spoilt the service for everyone. Dd had been out for the whole service at the Sunday school & came back in for the song at the end.
Some people are just intolerant of others & forget what it's like to have a young child. Church is for everybody. As long as your ds wasn't talking loudly I really can't see what their problem was. Don't let it effect you & sit away from her next time. It might be worth saying something to her too, so she understands how you feel.

PunkrockerGirl · 02/05/2016 10:57

Church is for everybody.
Of course it is. And this includes the people who want to engage in the service without feeling like they're in the middle of a playgroup/soft play session.

Trunkadunk · 02/05/2016 11:03

If you believe in God, and he is infallible and all that sort of thing. Why did he make kids act like little bellends if he wasn't cool with it?

Why would he make them a certain way and then be all annoyed when they act up in church?

Trunkadunk · 02/05/2016 11:05

It's like people who think Bf is inappropriate in church or women carrying small babies.. while sitting under a great big Virgin and child with Jesus hanging off a nipple

WinnieTheW0rm · 02/05/2016 11:07

"he's more used to the child centric areas of church"

So this all stems from you deciding, in a church that is perfectly well set up with areas for DC, that it's OK to go and play elsewhere, this disturbing others.

That's not 'crunchy' that's plain rude and shows a breath-taking lack of consideration.

Original poster
ASAS · 02/05/2016 11:10

I'll be honest and say I was so shocked by what she said and ashamed by the implication that I'm a rubbish mum (and Christian) that I thought, eek I've got this whole child rearing wrong.

Not to be too defensive but he honestly wasn't making a peep, just walking.

OP posts:
Original poster
ASAS · 02/05/2016 11:13

Winnie we were in the main part of church for a religious reason.

OP posts:
Trunkadunk · 02/05/2016 11:17

'Merica is what happens when children are constantly told their wonderful and don't have set boundaries.

Lol. Having lived in both countries, I'm prepared to call bullshit.

dailymailphequers · 02/05/2016 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Footle · 02/05/2016 11:18

The priest in a church in West Africa simply announced "babies to the breast!" when things got noisy.

Hissy · 02/05/2016 11:24

I don't do religion. Don't agree with it at all. Have seen what it does at first hand.

However I can see some correlation when it comes to expectations of behaviour of our children.

My ds loves music, always has done. He attended concerts from the age of 4. Agreed he'd struggle with tiredness if they were a little late in finishing, but nothing a chocolate biscuit and some squash at the interval wouldn't solve. He's been given 50p by an elderly lady before as a treat for his good behaviour. He was delighted and super proud of himself! 😊

When it comes to concerts, restaurants, theatres etc He has always been told that there are adult spaces and child spaces. I also told him that it's super important for children to love music and go and watch concerts etc but that some adults don't like sharing spaces with children. The one thing that can help is that if the children who go behave well because it makes it easier for all children who love music to attend really big concerts.

We have to show our children what is expected of them. If they can't manage it, then we need to leave, or go at a time when they are able to manage.

Agreed my ds was there because he was interested and wanted to be there, so church not being his choice may not be relevant here, and we have to work with the personalities of our children. Some manage to sit quietly and appropriately in adult spaces, others don't.

This also applies to parents who take toddlers to evening cinema sessions. It's never going to work, it's too late and expecting too much of the child. It ruins the experience for everyone.

My ds is 10 now, and I know I can take him anywhere. I'm lucky I know, most of it's him, he observes and takes it all in, even from a toddler, but talking to him about the expectations of others helps him navigate the life he sees.

Op, you're not an attached parent, you're detached and I believe not giving him all the tools he needs to thrive. Now is the time to gently prepare him for school, sitting down, listening and pulling him up as and when needed. Otherwise he's in for a horrible surprise come Reception.

Kudos for being self aware enough to wonder if you did ruin that woman's experience, there are plenty of parents who don't give enough of a shit to worry.

The Comment about how to spot an attachment parent actually won Mumsnet. Grin

Hoolit · 02/05/2016 11:29

Sorry if he was just pottering quietly like you say and I assume this was the family service then swbu if it was not the family service then I would expect children to be kept v quiet.
I used to attend a family Sunday service and kids were welcomed as they should be.

WinnieTheW0rm · 02/05/2016 11:34

"For context we'd moved pews next to a toddler he loves to play with."

I did not originally read that as a religious reason for choosing the specific spot.

There was no problem in the previous pew?

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 02/05/2016 11:52

OP, I think you're taking these (mostly jocular, I think... Grin) comments really well.

No idea whether that's because you're crunchy, crispy, wearing riotous jeans or just happy to take it all on board, but you're doing so with good spirit!

falange · 02/05/2016 11:52

Hmmm. Can see the side of most opinions on here. Just wondering though if he wants to walk and you let him walk, what's going to happen when he goes to school and will be expected to sit down and follow instructions. Not fair on him if he hasn't been taught that he can't always do what he wants.

DarlingCherieLiebling · 02/05/2016 11:55

"How do you spot an attachment parent?

Don't worry- they'll tell you."

Not really. AP or 'responsive parenting as midwives like to call it now, was important to me in that I wanted to make sure my dc developed strong and secure attachments in infancy. This involved BF on demand, EBF up to 2.5 years and a lot of co-sleeping, using the sling etc. From when they were about 18 months they definitely got reprimanded, time outstep, cross words from me or dh etc when behaving in way that is not appropriate, especially in public. I have never ever spoken to anyone about AP or lectured them but to me it just means being close to your baby and being a secure and constant present when they are very young.

To me AP is a positive and very personal concept not a competitive parenting approach, but everyone is different.

I was a bit Hmm when dc2 was about to start nursery at 18 months and I jokingly said to a good friend, "it's going to be weird having dc2 at nursery now and being away from them, having done all that AP'. I said this in a self-depracating way to express feeling ambivalent about going back to work and being excited about it whilst also being apart from my small child who until then had barely left my side.

I got a very dismissive earful from her that there is no reason to label parenting styles and we are all doing our best. She sounded really defensive and patronising which surprised me as merely mentioning the word AP was to be a competitive parent. I found her reaction judgmental and unpleasant.

BillSykesDog · 02/05/2016 11:57

In our church a parishioner who lets his child (2 1/2) have a wander usually a circuit or two, the four children plus new baby that sit quietly in the pew and the two year old that plays quietly at the back with his cars. Most adults don't mind and if they do either the family move to a better pew or the adult does. We have tea, coffee and juice with cake after ( have heard it used as a bribe for good behaviour) and the adults get to know the children and talk to them. The children learn to be respectful. They learn to sit quietly and take part. They help with jobs. They hand out the books at the beginning and smile, they tidy the pews after and hand out flowers and eggs on special days. They are involved. They are part of the church community. They are the future but equally they need to learn to play quietly, to take part and that some adults are elderly and can't hear so well. It is give and take.

Ditsy, that's a brilliant post, that's exactly what I meant and what I grew up with too. Welcolming, involving and making children feel part of the church can be done without the rest of the church being expected to tolerate literally anything families throw at them.

Churches can welcome children very effectively without becoming a free for all which starts to become unwelcoming for child free parishioners.

newtscamander · 02/05/2016 11:59

Yabu to go to church
Yabu to force religion on a child
And whoever called the bible "teachings" is the most unreasonable of all Hmm

BillSykesDog · 02/05/2016 12:04

DarlingCherie you really need to bone up on the meaning of irony because your reply had shovels of it all over! Thanks for the big giggle.

HarryElephante · 02/05/2016 12:06

This thread has me emotional. Someone labeling themselves 'crunchy', a whole heap of hate towards AP, donuts, and a church thrown in for good measure.

My advice to the OP is parent however you see fit and don't listen to people who deride AP; or any method of parenting. They are generally threatened. Steer clear of giving your kid donuts (sorry!). I can't give you any advice on your church quandary, mind. Would not going be an option?

Maybe actually go to a spa?

Floggingmolly · 02/05/2016 12:08

What sort of church allows you to hold toddlers birthday parties on the premises? Is this for real? Hmm

BillSykesDog · 02/05/2016 12:09

And even if he was being dead quiet (which I doubt, they would be the first pair of under 4s ever to play silently together), you moved pews in the middle of a service so he had someone to play with.

It's just rude.

Floggingmolly · 02/05/2016 12:11

Nobody is "threatened" by other people's parenting, Harry, don't be ridiculous. Some posters have merely pointed out to the op that attachment parenting if that's what she feels she's doing and needs a label for it, does not involve allowing your child to do as they please when they please with no boundaries.