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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister could at least ask for the day off for my wedding?

396 replies

Windsofwinter · 01/05/2016 07:41

I'm getting married abroad next year. We originally wanted this to be during the May/June half term, but unfortunately these dates were already booked up for the ceremony venue we wanted. We have instead been offered a Saturday at the end of June.

My sister is a primary teacher, and one of my bridesmaids. She is refusing to ask for any time off, despite the fact that she could fly out on Friday and back on Sunday (short haul destination!) so would only need to ask for one day. She's suggested I either opt for the summer holidays or look for an alternative venue that is available in half term, if I want her to come. The reason she won't ask is because she doesn't think her head will approve it anyway, so "what's the point". I'm upset and angry, but don't know if I'm blinded by wedding emotion! Keen to avoid a family fall-out, AIBU?

OP posts:
Angelasw · 02/05/2016 12:19

YANBU. It's your wedding day. One huge day in your life and only one weekend in your sisters. Certainly the time and travel issue is there for your sister. In your shoes I'd pay for her plane ticket, etc ditto any immediate / special family member you really want there if they can't go otherwise.

Beyond that it's your special occasion. If lots of people can't go because of travel etc well you'd have considered that. Anyway, no one is entitled to go and affect your choice.
You could have a wedding evening party when back if you liked. In your dress etc! I know someone who did that after a NY wedding.

Eeeek686 · 02/05/2016 12:21

And definitely no chips here, boney - just occasional frustration at this inflexible attitude in primary education!

Totally appreciate it's not always the teachers own approach/attitude though, just seems in this case it is?

GnomeDePlume · 02/05/2016 12:30

So, the OP wants her sister to lose a day's pay, pay for a flight to Italy, transfers, parking. Run around like a blue arsed fly getting to and from the venue, fulfilling bridesmaid duties, fly home on the Sunday (what are those flight times like?) then back to work on Monday.

Will she be bringing her dress, shoes etc with her? In which case she may well need to be checking in luggage. Adding to the time and stress.

All that needs to happen is the Sunday flight is delayed and she could be two days down plus an extremely annoyed HT to deal with. Not career enhancing.

So what if she said that she may be able to take time off? In the cold light of day she may have looked at the stress, anxiety and toil of the above and decided it wasnt worth it.

Expecting people to take time off work to attend a wedding is selfish behaviour. It is nice if they do but that is all.

frangeslistic · 02/05/2016 12:31

It will also be difficult if any of your guests have children of school age.

Original poster
Windsofwinter · 02/05/2016 12:34

Today 12:09 rollonthesummer

*I'm not sure where in the thread this implied that this makes me annoyed/angry

Didn't you say... I'm upset and angry*

I'm not upset/angry if people in general can't make it though; I appreciate that's the risk of having a wedding abroad. That's the point I was trying to make, in response to the suggestion I'm being an entitled bridezilla. I don't expect my sister or anyone else to move heaven and earth to be there and don't know how many times I've repeated that if she genuinely couldn't come we would look for an alternative.

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 02/05/2016 12:39

It's not an inflexible attitude on the part of teachers. Or even education ( this problem would be compounded if she was a secondary teacher with some GCSEs or a-levels looming). It just simply is the way it is.
School happens at certain weeks of the year and is on holiday at others. This can't be flexible, you can't really have staff and pupils wandering in and out as they fancy from one week to the next. The system doesn't work like that. All education has set holidays times ( many people believe too much holiday time ) so having extra leave at other points in the year is generally a simple no go. I can't swap my holidays in August for a week right now.
Quality family time and special and occasions are very important of course but many people would argue that the 12 - 13 weeks that schools are shut is enough time to cover all the family time you need!
As with all professions there are certain aspects of a job that it's hard to grasp unless you are actually in the middle of it.

CwtchesAndCuddles · 02/05/2016 12:40

I'm a school governor - staff are well aware that unpaid leave will only be granted in exceptional circumstances, this situation would not meet that criteria. Tough it may be but teachers / TAs have plenty of holidays.

There may well be a similar policy in the sisters school. Expecting her to try and trade on her friendship with the head to ask for a day off is inappropriate!

Eeeek686 · 02/05/2016 12:41

And to those grumbling on sisters behalf about expense and time of foreign wedding - Op said in first couple posts that sister had initially seemed to have no problem with this so it's a non-issue aa far as this aibu is concerned, Aibu is about sisters refusal to ask for a day off....

Letseatgrandma · 02/05/2016 12:43

I can just imagine parents of the children in your sister's class posting on here.

AIBU to think that it's taking the piss for my DD's teacher to take this Friday off work to go to a wedding when the head teacher wouldn't authorise my daughter's absence for a family wedding on the same day!!

Alleycat1 · 02/05/2016 12:44

Every little - you are being reasonable though. My daughter has been treated like a pariah because she couldn't afford to be a bridesmaid in Goa and a guest in Costa Rica. Her friends have had similar experiences with other couples. One was prepared to fly to Greece for the weekend (!) and was berated for not staying the whole week! So I guess my views are coloured by experience.

ilovesooty · 02/05/2016 12:44

She said initially it might be possible. She now doesn't think it is.

cherrybath · 02/05/2016 12:47

I get irritated by people who marry abroad and expect others to:

a) pay the high cost of travelling and staying in a destination they've not chosen
b) use up their precious annual holiday
c) drop everything to go away for days

And they assume that any employer (let alone a school) will be happy if asked for a day off.

My niece married abroad, did not invite us and sulked when she didn't get a present. Personally I was very happy not to waste money to go to a nondescript overheated island (and not at all embarrassed by not buying her anything).

joannee78 · 02/05/2016 12:53

I'm a teacher myself- I'd say it depends on her Headteacher and how understanding he or she is. Your sister should have some sort of idea as weddings come up a lot and many head teachers approve them as unpaid leave but ask the teacher to keep quiet about why they were absent as parents mY complain. It's a close family member so you'd hope it'd be fine. Saying that, I'd not plan my wedding aeon your sisters job- after all it's just a job and personally my sisters wedding would be far more important to me than work! I'd possibly fake a sickie and try to keep quiet about the wedding so long as Facebook doesn't splash photos around for staff at work to see- a good reason to not friend staff on Facebook! Hope your wedding goes well. I too would be upset by your sisters attitude- I have similar disagreements with my fiancé over him taking some time off work to attend my antenatal appointments- some people put way too much importance on their job and overlook family sadly...

minipie · 02/05/2016 12:54

OP, did I read correctly - you are marrying abroad because your DP's mother lives abroad and is too unwell to fly?

If that's right then I think this is different from a 'destination wedding' where people just fancied getting married abroad.

KitKat1985 · 02/05/2016 12:54

I think you are being a tad unreasonable. This is the problem with having weddings abroad sadly is that a lot of people wont be able to get the time off work to travel. It's also a big expense for a lot of people and a lot of people won't be able to afford to come either.

That being said, in all honesty if it was my siblings wedding, I'd do everything I could to get there, even if it meant getting a late flight on the Friday after work so that I would be there for Saturday, but that's just me personally and I know this isn't practical for a lot of people.

MissBattleaxe · 02/05/2016 12:56

I agree with cherrybath and Gnome.

However you dress it up and tell yourself its a similar cost to attending a UK wedding, it's not. It IS a big ask and it could be that that the lay of the land right now is that it wouldn;t look good for your sister to ask her head right now. Maybe they've clmaped down, maybe a colleague was recently refused a day off, maybe she's aiming for promotion and it wouldn;t look good.. you just don;t know. I should imagine the sister has a good reason not to ask and I don't think the bride should be having a go.

It's fine to get married abroad, as long you don't give any guests who can't or won't come a hard time about not attending.

KitKat1985 · 02/05/2016 12:57

Sorry I didn't see that you are getting married abroad because your DP's mum lives abroad and is too unwell to fly. I also agree with minipie that is different to just wanting a destination wedding.

Everylittlething87 · 02/05/2016 13:01

Alley it must be from your experience and I'm sorry your daughter is having a hard time so I understand why you feel this way. I feel if you're going to have a wedding abroad you do have to be understanding that it's what you want and not everyone will be able attend but then again I think the same of weddings here. I think OPs sister should atleast ask, even if it's a flat out no atleast the effort has been made. I also think if it's very important her sister attends that she asks for more dates that may work for the school holidays.

Frazzled2207 · 02/05/2016 13:05

Given that a. You have to marry in italy, b. The summer and easter are ruled out (the latter because she is going to mexico) and c. She
Previously said she could ask, and it is for a date 14 months away,
I don't think yabu to expect her to ask.

YWBVU however to expect her to come if her head says no though.

heron98 · 02/05/2016 13:07

It's not as simple as getting a flight after work - there may not be one.

I live in Yorkshire and in many cases there is only one flight a week to certain destinations - and not that many.

I had to come home from Gran Canaria early this year for a job interview and had to fly to Gatwick and get a train into London and then back up north as it was the only way I could get back on that day.

Alleycat1 · 02/05/2016 13:12

Every little - agreed, Smile and I completely understand why OP is getting married in Italy, and your romantic reason too.

BoneyBackJefferson · 02/05/2016 13:22

Eeeek686
"And to those grumbling on sisters behalf about expense and time of foreign wedding - Op said in first couple posts that sister had initially seemed to have no problem with this so it's a non-issue aa far as this aibu is concerned, Aibu is about sisters refusal to ask for a day off...."

(sorry don't mean to just respond to you) Originally it was going to be a weeks holiday for the whole family, and looking at the OP's posts there is a dynamic of family issues and the OP sweeping her sisters feelings under the carpet.

I also know without asking what my HT's response would be, because it has already been made clear that a family wedding is not an exceptional circumstance, and this is is from a very understanding head.

Confusednotcom · 02/05/2016 13:29

If she can't come so be it! Go ahead with your plans! Sounds impossible to please everybody so you're making the best compromise.
I am glad your sister takes her career seriously - though it is a pity schools can't be more flexible it is the way it is. If she threw a sickie she could get into a whole heap of trouble.

mw63 · 02/05/2016 13:31

I don't think yabu to expect your sister to at least ask, if HT refuses you would have to accept decision. , It is one day and as someone on last weeks similar post said it is a legal requirement for children to attend school, for teachers it is a job like any other. As I commented then my son's year head was allowed a family holiday to Greece (no sp occasion) and was waved off in the reception area by teachers in view of parents.
I would be seriously pissed off if smy sister was prepared to to take a days leave for a jaunt to Amsterdam with mates but not my wedding. Sounds like she is spitting her dummy out about not being able to stay the week.
I hope you can work it out somehow and enjoy the wedding you really want.

rollonthesummer · 02/05/2016 13:32

I also think that it might be a fun thing for guests to travel to Italy for a week-given enough notice, they could save up and treat it like their family holiday.

Doing the same journey but forced into a weekend (long or otherwise) is not a relaxing and exciting holiday-it sounds like a complete headache for anyone that's got to do it. I can understand why people would be all for it if they thought it could be made into a family holiday, but not want to pay all that money for a really squashed break.