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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister could at least ask for the day off for my wedding?

396 replies

Windsofwinter · 01/05/2016 07:41

I'm getting married abroad next year. We originally wanted this to be during the May/June half term, but unfortunately these dates were already booked up for the ceremony venue we wanted. We have instead been offered a Saturday at the end of June.

My sister is a primary teacher, and one of my bridesmaids. She is refusing to ask for any time off, despite the fact that she could fly out on Friday and back on Sunday (short haul destination!) so would only need to ask for one day. She's suggested I either opt for the summer holidays or look for an alternative venue that is available in half term, if I want her to come. The reason she won't ask is because she doesn't think her head will approve it anyway, so "what's the point". I'm upset and angry, but don't know if I'm blinded by wedding emotion! Keen to avoid a family fall-out, AIBU?

OP posts:
sallyhasleftthebuilding · 01/05/2016 16:51

OR she could move venue - and her sister can join the rest of the family for a weeks break.

Rather than complicating the whole travel the length of the country for hours change flights and drive a long way for ONE wedding!

Not to mention the stress cost and exhaustion!!

I wouldn't do Thai for my sister and she wouldn't expect me to either!!

NicknameUsed · 01/05/2016 16:55

"I don't think the logistics are as easy as some are making out; especially if people aren't used to international travel and negotiating the airport, etc"

I agree.

expatinscotland · 01/05/2016 17:03

'Tight but doable for a teacher with hand luggage if she's 20min away from airport. That's what I'd do for my sister.'

Not at all. Some airports have sllloooowww security (Glasgow and Bristol, I'm looking at you). And also considering most flights close the gate 20mins. or so before departure.

Original poster
Windsofwinter · 01/05/2016 17:10

I haven't suggested that she travel the length of either country. I made it clear that if she can't make it we would look at alternatives, and that we are having a party at home for those who didn't come. I just asked whether I'm BU to expect that she find out for definite before rearranging the wedding. DP and I had our hearts set on the venue and, while its not as important as having my sister there, it would be nice to have both if we could!

OP posts:
1angrydwarf · 01/05/2016 17:19

Expat - I was working on the assumption as a primary teacher she could ask to leave on the bell for once at probably 15:15ish, taxi straight to departures to avoid parking time. Tighter than I'd like but surely possible? Newcastle isn't too bad I don't think. For a sister's wedding, especially if she hasn't taken full day off, a colleague on PPA or friendly HT on PPA might even let her away a bit earlier to be sure.

That flight combo, if skyscanner is right would get her to Naples (I didn't name this but someone else has now - it wasn't hard to figure out from OPs posts) that same evening at 22:50. The sister doesn't seem to have kids so I can't see how that is a particularly arduous journey. Have dinner at CDG, take a laptop if need be to keep up with reports etc that others have mentioned for primary teachers in June.

1angrydwarf · 01/05/2016 17:23

OP I don't think you ABU to have a conversation with her about this. But if she explains why asking is no longer an option (perhaps a colleague has been turned down recently) then that should be enough for you. It's the being 'angry and upset' at her for not asking that is unreasonable! I really hope you get this sorted. The option i outlined above seems ok to me (from the details you've provided so far). And that's just from me, a stranger, spending 2 min on skyscanner. Surely between you, you can come up with some options. It's not like you picked a Wednesday in term time.

VenusRising · 01/05/2016 17:39

Winds I think your dp is the most important other person you can have at the wedding, and you should go ahead and get married in your dream venue with your DP's elderly mother there in Italy on that weekend. It sounds lovely.

In retrospect a wedding is just one day, and you really can't please everyone.
You said you are having a big party when you get back, so you can include your step sister then, is she can get the time off. She sounds like she wants to take a week for herself and isn't actually focussed on being there on the day for you at all.

If she can't be bothered to even ask for a day off, and knows she can't get the week she wants then just go ahead guilt free and have a wonderful day with your partner.

I understand that working in agriculture you just cannot take time off: try telling a lamb not to be born, or wheat to harvest itself. Farming is much more time constrained than most people realise. So don't feel guilty about pleasing yourself and doing your own job and fulfilling your own responsibilities.

I wish you all the best, and a long and happily married life.

silvermantela · 01/05/2016 17:41

Augusta I don't see how I am being naive. All any posters on a site like MN can do is refer situations back to our own personal experience - mine (and other posters' on this thread) is that many schools can, and are, flexible regarding holidays, and people in positions of authority often treat their staff like human beings, rather than drones programmed only to work - and therefore a headteacher who held a grudge against a staff member politely enquiring about the possibility of one, unpaid, day off for a significant occasion, 14 months in advance, would be both unusual and entirely unreasonable.

Of course, I don't know what the particular circumstances are in OP's sister's school, but neither do you. Your views (and other posters whose experience is of non-flexible schools) are just as valid but no less subjective than mine.

SellFridges · 01/05/2016 17:43

I'm not sure why she wouldn't ask. I know of at least three teachers/school staff who have had time granted for family weddings. I know of two who have had time granted for a hen do (admittedly the flight time was changed from an evening flight to a morning flight).

OrangesandLemonsNow · 01/05/2016 17:43

I understand that working in agriculture you just cannot take time off

Neither can her sister.

So don't feel guilty about pleasing yourself and doing your own job and fulfilling your own responsibilities

Neither should her DSis.

Littlemisslovesspiders · 01/05/2016 17:45

I'm not sure why she wouldn't ask. I know of at least three teachers/school staff who have had time granted for family weddings

I know of quite a few that have asked over the years. Only a couple have been granted and none in recent years.

SellFridges · 01/05/2016 17:48

I know of at least two who have had it granted in the last year. They am had to request permission from both the head and the governors.

giantpurplepeopleeater · 01/05/2016 17:49

Winds - your sister is yelling you that she won't get that day off.

Like I said 5 pages ago, why isn't that enough of an answer for you?

I'm failing to see why you need any more confirmation than she has alrrady given you!

You need to decide now whether you change dates to ensure she most definitely can come, or whether you continue with your current date in the knoweledge that itbis very unlikely your sister will make it.

I feel like your issues with your sister, or perhaps the wedding fog, are preventing you from seeing that she has given you thr information that you need,and that it's now up to you how you respond to that.

Stargirl82 · 01/05/2016 17:52

We aren't even allowed time off for dentist! Even an emergency. Or any type of Drs appt so there is practically no chance she will be allowed time off for a wedding!!

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/05/2016 18:36

Minniemagoo

So what you are saying (if I am understanding you correctly) is that anyone should be able to book a wedding at any time they like without taking in to account the family members situation and expect that family member to run the length and breath of Europe to get there and they ANBU?

NameChange30 · 01/05/2016 19:24

Venus She is a half sister not step sister

zeezeek · 01/05/2016 19:44

If the venue is a hotel or something like that, then could you arrange to spend your first anniversary there? Or if it's a church, could you and your husband and his family all go there for a mass together?

At the risk of sounding patronising, the longer you are married, the less importance you place on the actual wedding.

As your future MIL is frail and in poor health, then maybe it is better to prioritise arrangements that would make her happy. To put it bluntly, you may not have lots of opportunities to spend time with her, whilst you have a lifetime to do so with your sister.

Good luck whatever you decide and I wish you all the best for a lovely future.

Bitlost · 01/05/2016 19:45

YABU, sorry. Good luck with it all though. :-)

expatinscotland · 01/05/2016 20:02

'I was working on the assumption as a primary teacher she could ask to leave on the bell for once at probably 15:15ish, taxi straight to departures to avoid parking time. Tighter than I'd like but surely possible? '

And possibly not. Depends on a lot of things. Our primary school finishes at 15.30. I wouldn't want to leave for such an important event with that little time, even 15.15. I get pulled out for having my hand luggage searched every time. I have to wait and wait. And again, some airlines shut the gate 20 mins. before departure time, even domestic flights.

But I think the OP is U and a bit of a bridezilla about this. Due to the dripfeeds, I can sort of see where the sister doesn't want to go.

topcat2014 · 01/05/2016 20:08

Why would anyone arrange a foreign wedding during a weekend in termtime when their sister is a teacher -

I have one sibling who teaches. My other sibling arranged her wedding during school holidays.

Obvious - surely! No sympathy for any bride / groom who does something else.
Full bridezillar points.

FuckyMcFuckFace · 01/05/2016 20:53

Teacher sister, termtime wedding and Italy definitely sound familiar. I wish I knew how to find the other thread!

StealthPolarBear · 01/05/2016 20:55

Fucky wasn't that the one where the ops oh wasn't invited though? Op of this thread has confirmed he is.

FuckyMcFuckFace · 01/05/2016 21:00

I don't remember stealth, I only remember Italy, sister, term time and teacher. Don't think I posted on it, probably just read it. Must be a coincidence.

SpringHasNearlySprung · 01/05/2016 21:14

Lots of schools grant unpaid leave in term time. I do for family weddings as I have staff to cover classes. I'm lucky though and most schools don't have the staff to cover. YABU OP expecting your sister to ask for time off during term time. I know a lot of HT's who are not approachable on time off for holidays in term time and perhaps her HT is one of them. I read a post earlier from you that said she could basically pull in a favour as the HT was a friend. I'm gobsmacked you would expect an HT to treat your sister differently from other teaching staff because she's a personal friend! You do sound like a bridezilla. A wedding is only one day, a marriage takes hard work and isn't all about the dress, the cake or the venue.

NicknameUsed · 01/05/2016 21:38

"Lots of schools grant unpaid leave in term time"

And lots don't. I used to be a governor and I know that that school wouldn't have.