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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister could at least ask for the day off for my wedding?

396 replies

Windsofwinter · 01/05/2016 07:41

I'm getting married abroad next year. We originally wanted this to be during the May/June half term, but unfortunately these dates were already booked up for the ceremony venue we wanted. We have instead been offered a Saturday at the end of June.

My sister is a primary teacher, and one of my bridesmaids. She is refusing to ask for any time off, despite the fact that she could fly out on Friday and back on Sunday (short haul destination!) so would only need to ask for one day. She's suggested I either opt for the summer holidays or look for an alternative venue that is available in half term, if I want her to come. The reason she won't ask is because she doesn't think her head will approve it anyway, so "what's the point". I'm upset and angry, but don't know if I'm blinded by wedding emotion! Keen to avoid a family fall-out, AIBU?

OP posts:
SpringHasNearlySprung · 01/05/2016 22:14

And lots don't. I used to be a governor and I know that that school wouldn't have.

You have only quoted a small part of my post. As I said earlier, other HT's don't.

IthinkIamsinking · 01/05/2016 22:32

YANBU. She could at least ask. I know a fair number of teachers and ALL of them at some point have been given unpaid leave. Over the years I have been given unpaid leave for personal reasons.

Stupid comments up thread about kids not getting time so why should teachers..... really?? Hmm

Kariana · 01/05/2016 22:40

I've just read the post where the OP states that this wedding is in fact in June 2017! That does make it seem unreasonable that the sister won't even ask. Of course it might not be granted but with that much notice I would definitely at least ask the question.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/05/2016 22:47

Kariana
I've just read the post where the OP states that this wedding is in fact in June 2017! That does make it seem unreasonable that the sister won't even ask.

As the OP hasn't paid for anything it seems unreasonable that she won't change the date. Especially as she works in a job where she can't have specific times in the year off herself you would think that she would be a bit more understanding.

Dawniedots · 02/05/2016 10:06

I'm a teacher and yes, you are being very unreasonable. For me it would perhaps be doable, as I have an accommodating head, but in past schools I've worked in it would not even be considered, so I wouldn't even have asked. However, it really isn't just about asking for a day off, it's the actual stress that you are putting on her to even contemplate this time off. I work 70 hours plus a week, it's exhausting. To take three full days out of my week (2 of them at the weekend, when I'm usually working for at least 16 hours of those days!!) would be unthinkable. I know that I would just be worrying about the prep and marking that I SHOULD be doing and wondering how the hell I will make it up for Monday. Teachers have to be absolutely prepared for Monday or the whole week is horrific. You can't make those hours up...it's impossible. I get anxious just taking time out to go food shopping on a Sunday!! It's totally beyond what anyone not in education can fully comprehend. Your sister will already be feeling sh@t about this, don't make it worse for her.

nvj · 02/05/2016 10:07

Of course YANBU - can't believe all these people who are saying you are!
If necessary- Why can't your sister take a day off unpaid and then this will pay for the supply?
For god's sake.. Teacher have lives too. It's not like it's a regular occurrence.
What is wrong with people!!

newmummyagain · 02/05/2016 10:07

I work in a school and it's very frowned upon. She may not get it approved (certainly will be unpaid) and it may even cause her quite a bit of grief to ask.

nvj · 02/05/2016 10:09

I'm a teacher and have not worked lots of weekends in the past. My family and my life is more important than a job.
This is a special occasion and if she's organised beforehand it won't matter if she has 3 days off. Don't be ridiculous.

nvj · 02/05/2016 10:11

Her sister is getting married... It's not like that happens every year!!
Jesus there is something very wrong with people if they see this as a problem. Really. One day? What if she was ill.. What would happen? The school's not going to shut is it?!

StillRabbit · 02/05/2016 10:12

If necessary- Why can't your sister take a day off unpaid and then this will pay for the supply?

Unfortunately a supply teacher costs more than one days teacher wage. Agency commission etc all add to it.

newmummyagain · 02/05/2016 10:13

It sounds normal I know but they don't have to approve it, their contract does not allow time off in the term time. Unfortunately with weekday weddings it's a frequent request now and a real problem for schools.

nvj · 02/05/2016 10:14

Still rabbit- it would depend on the level of teacher - if she is SMT for example I doubt a supply teacher would be more expensive.

nvj · 02/05/2016 10:16

I'm just really glad I work in a school where my Head is very understanding and values his staff's wellbeing and their personal lives.
Staff at my school have had time off for weddings, funerals, moving house, vet appointments, children sick etc
And I really don't see why this should be a problem at all

Smartiepants79 · 02/05/2016 10:16

njv as a teacher you will know that it's entirely dependent on the school. If unpaid leave isn't granted ( as it wouldn't be in many schools ) what then? I agree that she should ask or at least sound out the senior leaderships opinion on the matter but to assume that it's just going to happen is a bit naive.
I'm lucky that In my school I think this would granted with no problems but I'm aware of several other schools locally where this would be almost impossible.

iMogster · 02/05/2016 10:16

My Sis was a TA 2 summers ago. She asked to take the last day of term off to go to a close family's wedding. It was a NO. Even though the last day of term was a half day and there was no work going on, just a fun morning of games and watching a film.
The bride knows her Sis is a teacher at the point of booking, so should choose a date in the half term or Summer hols.

CauliflowerBalti · 02/05/2016 10:17

YABU. You shouldn't expect anyone to take time off for your wedding, even your sister. It's OK to ask, but not expect. Entitled brides piss me off - and I say this as someone planning her wedding. The world doesn't revolve around us.

rollonthesummer · 02/05/2016 10:18

I'm a teacher and have not worked lots of weekends in the past.

?

WriteforFun1 · 02/05/2016 10:18

I think it's understandable that she doesn't want to ask even if the HT is a friend.

sometimes just asking looks bad.

Also what a horrible thing for her - rush in after a busy week, rush out after a busy couple of days and then go back to another busy week. Horrible. So even if she gets a yes, it's a nasty situation for her.

nvj · 02/05/2016 10:19

Why should any bride plan their wedding around someone else's job though? Really.
She could at least ask/try and swap ppa/fly out late ..

Eeeek686 · 02/05/2016 10:25

I think she's being VU to just not ask and given (dripped!) wider story agree stubborn refusal sounds loaded based on backstory.... She would have Your once in a lifetime special day/dream location jeopardised to spare her own potential "embarrassment"?? She's being inflexible, superior, and a bit precious typical teacher attitude ..... Very bizarre sisterly behaviour if you ask me!

Not everyone can make a foreign wedding, it's sad but reality - don't let it ruin your time, she clearly isn't that arsed. Book your dream venue and be sure to reassure her you'll have an awesome knees-up at home, and mean it!

rollonthesummer · 02/05/2016 10:31

She's being inflexible, superior, and a bit precious typical teacher attitude

Nice!

Fiona80 · 02/05/2016 10:36

First of all it's up to the bride when the wedding is and where it is.

But I'm finding it strange that you can't find a date for 14 months time during half term, could ou maybe tell them to let you know if a cancellation arises?

I don't know what c all you teachers work but here in the north I have had colleagues take off days for friends wedding never mind family weddings, can't believe how strict some schools are. If it is unpaid then they can get a supply teacher in. But them i suppose it depends on the school. But I think she should at least ask, the worst is that she will be refused.

I think that if you really do want her there then try to look at other dates as there are plenty of school holidays through the year.

I know if you put in airports into skyscanner and time of day it will give you flight options so have a look, if she really wants to be there she will find a way, I think both of you need to be a bit more understanding of each other.

seriouslynoidea · 02/05/2016 10:38

Well OP I've just read most of this and I can't believe the vitriol handed out to you! Why should you not dream of it all going the way you would wish, so, some people don't like weddings, well you want to like yours! And I don't think this is 'malicious drip feeding' at all with the aim to make people change mind. If HT a friend she could ask what she thinks the chances are, it seems unlikely to affect her career or anything ridiculous like that (unless of course her HT is the sort of person who has no friends and invites unknown unliked employees to be her own bridesmaids!) Sure some schools have a policy of a blank no and as we can see, some say yes. What I thought at time read first post not changed with all the later info, she could at least 'test the water' with HT and then you have your choices. She is BVU not to at least ask HT informally what she thinks, may have to go to governors but it is a first step.
GOOD LUCK and I hope you have a lovely day and a long and happy marriage

riceuten · 02/05/2016 10:39

YANBU to expect her to ask, but there is always a risk in these situations that the answer will be no, which in itself is not unreasonable.

fridaynight · 02/05/2016 10:40

YANBU I've had days off before so she could ask her Headteacher, hope it all works out Flowers