To think my sister could at least ask for the day off for my wedding?

[Windsofwinter]

I'm getting married abroad next year. We originally wanted this to be during the May/June half term, but unfortunately these dates were already booked up for the ceremony venue we wanted. We have instead been offered a Saturday at the end of June.

My sister is a primary teacher, and one of my bridesmaids. She is refusing to ask for any time off, despite the fact that she could fly out on Friday and back on Sunday (short haul destination!) so would only need to ask for one day. She's suggested I either opt for the summer holidays or look for an alternative venue that is available in half term, if I want her to come. The reason she won't ask is because she doesn't think her head will approve it anyway, so "what's the point". I'm upset and angry, but don't know if I'm blinded by wedding emotion! Keen to avoid a family fall-out, AIBU?

I know it does not apply in this case, and as I haven't read the post in its entirety maybe other posters have mentioned it, but I abhor the trend for overseas weddings. I think couples are unreasonable to expect guests to shell out for gifts, travel and hotel costs, new outfits etc. The whingeing that goes on when guests decline! Guests with children can only manage out of term time and then are clobbered with even higher costs thanks to the greed of the travel industry.

YABU because it's very soon so that's why alternatives aren't available at venue. Why not do it in ?October half term? Weather still gorgeous in Italy then? But there are a million beautiful agriturismos in Italy. Ask your fiancé to get on it and find somewhere else. You will regret not having your sis there.

Yes alleycat but the OP IS MARRYING AND ITALIAN! How inconsiderate to fall in love with someone who doesn't live down the road.

OP has every right to be upset and disappointed that it's not working out how she'd hoped. Weddings are emotive subjects and it hard to get it righ.
It sounds like your sister gave you false hope that she could work it out but in the cold face of reality has realised it probably isn't going to be possible.
Sadly this does mean that the op has to make a choice - the wedding exactly as they wanted it but no sister or some changes and a sister in attendance.
Hard. I hope you find a solution that works.

Must work differently in different schools. I booked my wedding abroad specifically during a bank holiday weekend so my friends who were teachers could make it and give them a year's notice. The bank holiday was then changed to a week later due to the queen's jubilee. My teacher friends and I were gutted but my friend said she was allowed 1 day during term time and used that to fly back on the Monday. Hope it works out for you but if you don't ask you don't get.

Depends on the school, a lot of head teachers you wouldn't dare to ask for time off or maybe sister feels awkward about it anyway maybe other requests have been refused in the past so she feels she shouldn't or couldn't ask.

There also seems to be a standoff between sister and OP not coming to any compromise about dates on either side, OP it's her day or the highway and sister maybe doesn't like being dictated to like that.

I agree what with all the furore about kids being taken out of school during term time for holidays it does seem a bit off to expect sister to magically be granted a day off.

If it were important to you that your sister was there, it would have made sense to check if she could take time off before making the booking. I'm guessing there was also a cost issue as one of the reasons you didn't choose a holiday date.

I got married on a Sunday, it was a holiday weekend where I lived, but not where many of my guests were coming from. I accepted that some friends / family wouldn't be able to make it. But I made sure before I booked that the most important guests to me, would be able to come. I think it would be really harsh for you to watch y our sister take the blame for a family rift when it was your thoughtlessness in the beginning that left her in an impossible situation.

Rollontheweekend- not sure why the ? But my statement about not working the weekend was in response to someone else saying her sister would be really stressed taking a whole weekend off without doing any prep for the following week.
Sometimes life gets in the way of teachers working all the hours in the week and sometimes shock horror, I don't work at the weekends and then have a creative week! life's too bloody short!

I think she could at least try, even if there is very little chance of her getting it off.

If it were important to you that your sister was there, it would have made sense to check if she could take time off before making the booking. I'm guessing there was also a cost issue as one of the reasons you didn't choose a holiday date

The wedding is being arranged by a wedding planner. We told him our preferred venue and dates (all during half term) and he came back to us with the dates that are actually available (none until the end of June). It's not at all a case of trying to have a cheaper holiday or booking anything without giving her a thought. We asked for dates when I knew she wasn't at work! We did discuss what would happen if the preferred dates weren't available and she had initially indicated she may be able to take a day off. I've said numerous times that I'm willing to look at other venues. I appreciate that by having the wedding abroad people might not be able to make it, I'm not sure where in the thread I implied that this makes me angry/annoyed?

Well there are two sides really... As a primary school teacher myself, my brother is marrying abroad next year during term time. However, as I am part time, I have been allowed to go as I can simply swap days with my job share. Also, we have a fantastic head who is very reasonable and understands demands beyond our control. I don't think YABU to think that she would at least ask and see where she'd stand in this situation. I take she works full time? If you really wanted her to go then you could suggest she asks for it unpaid and offer to subsidise this lost day's pay?! My husband and I married abroad (during holiday time I might add...) so I also don't think YABU to get married abroad yourselves... It's your day and you do whatever you want your special day to be.

The Oddity. I said it doesn't apply in this case!!!!

Sorry you don't think my post was nice rollon but I do know several teachers and the one thing they all have in common is thinking that their job and them in particular, in fact is the be all and all and schooling should take precedence over Everything else, even quality family time and special occasions, and this is a perfect example.

Ops sister is a primary school teacher, not a brain surgeon - missing one day of school at an uneventful time in the school year will not destroy lives, fact.

It just doesn't add up that sisters refusal is purely down to the facts, is all I'm saying .

Sometimes you just know that it's not acceptable to ask. Neither mine or DHs work can always be Flexible - you just have to miss stuff. You have to live it to understand it...I can't always have the hols I want either.

YANBU OP. you've had a kicking on here and I can't see why.

Your sister appears to want your wedding to be dictated by her; she has vetoed Easter due to her own holiday already.

If she can't even be arsed to ask if the day off is a possibility, then honestly I would go ahead and book it without her there. She doesn't appear to be trying to meet you in the middle, and I don't think I would want someone at my wedding if they couldn't at least try.

My sister got married in April. I work in finance, it is an extremely busy month and I usually work weekends. However I still travelled up and down the country throughout April for dress fittings, hair trials and hen dos etc, working in the evenings on my laptop, on the train while I travelled, anything so I could be there for my sister while still fulfilling my role at work. I was bloody knackered, but I didn't complain, because Dsis had a newborn and a wedding to organise. Despite the fact that we don't always get on I wanted to make it as easy as possible for her, helping arrange things not making it more difficult for her.

At a wedding you have a lot of people to accommodate, you can not pander to everyone's individual whims. Yes this is a downside of teaching, but teachers know that when they choose their career.

Ops sister is a primary school teacher, not a brain surgeon - missing one day of school at an uneventful time in the school year will not destroy lives, fact.

I don't think that's fair. Teachers get long holidays but the downside of that is that they are not expected to ask for annual leave unless it's vital. The Head has to find emergency cover first thing in the morning and usually pay a supply teacher. It's not as easy as just asking a colleague to cover them.

If she has told you she can't ask I'm sure she's right. Why doubt her? It's not as if she is looking for an excuse or something is it? Dawniedots wrote an excellent post.
Don't let it spoil your day, or your relationship with your sister, enjoy your wedding and do something special with her when you get back. It's just one day though feels like the be all and end all at the time. You've made your decision so now have to live with the consequences which in the grand scheme of things are not all that disastrous!!

I don't think you are being unreasonable tbh. I think she could ask, especially as it's a Friday. They can get cover when a teacher is poorly so I don't see it being a problem.

But battle-axe it won't be on the morning will it as Ops not suggesting teacher doesn't pitch up but book it in advance? And as someone else suggested if she objects to the unpaid bit Op could definitely sub her and I'm sure she'd happily do so to make it all gel.....

And it might be an unpopular opinion on here but yes I do think your sister getting married is quite a vital event!

(Although I admit I might be being biased here as I have not long posted something similar under a Namechange - different occupation, but still based around a family wedding in another country, at an inconvenient time of year and was told almost unequivocally that One Must Move Hell and High Water to Attend a Close Family Wedding in mumsnet world! But OBviously that wouldnt apply when it comes to Teachers.... )

Eeeek686

Everything else, even quality family time and special occasions, and this is a perfect example

How does the OP's sister get "quality family time" when she is running around trying to fit it all in?

I'm not sure where in the thread this implied that this makes me annoyed/angry

Didn't you say... I'm upset and angry

Eeeek686

What out that that chip on your shoulder doesn't make you lopsided.

Alley although I respect your own opinion you've or everyone under the same umbrella and abhor is quite strong!

My fiancé and I will be getting married abroad this August. We chose to do this because we met while travelling and will be returning to the same destination. We have done an open invite and said we don't mind if you can't/don't want to come but those who do please just tell us and you are welcome! 67 people are coming.... No invites sent out. Most I have spoken to have said they wouldn't miss it for the world and it has the bonus of getting a holiday in. A lot of weddings may not be somewhere local even in England. Last year I paid out £400 per night to go to a friends wedding in Brighton on a hotel Per night as we needed a family room and most were booked out. So two nights accom as well as food, drink, clothes travel came to nearly £1.5k! I actually would've rather have had spent that on a much needed holiday! This was a close friend so I was never going to turn it round but my point is holding a wedding here isn't always cheap for guests either. If the people getting wed get offended that you have people turning them down a destination wedding is not the choice for them. But I do not think it is abhorrent for people to wish to get married abroad.

Gosh and on the actual subject () I think she could at least ask just to make an effort (she is your sister after all and the worst that can be said is no!) and maybe you could call the venue and ask about open dates so you have some back ups? I hope she gets to attend x

Boney I said quality family time AND special occasions, as this is a debate that crops up regularly for both, whether it be holidays (fitting in the 'quality time' category) or special occasions (whereby this clearly fits into this category)?

And anyway, I genuinely feel it will cross over into both? Taking out the initial/final traveling, which according to Op will only be a few hrs either side, surely a lovely Italian family wedding is going to be a quality family occasion, one to remember and cherish? Certainly not all pain and suffering is it!

I'd definitely give OH's right arm to swap our upcoming northern Ireland bash for an Italian one that's for sure