I have a very mixed family but am more or less black. Coffee coloured. DH is white. Race has never been an issue on either side but his damn mother keeps on saying the most infuriating things and DH and FIL keeps on shrugging it off as "she's just from a different time/ it's just silly ignorance"
When I think about what my family has been through I just cannot dismiss it as such. I've done the whole "Oh come on" polite speech but she just laughs me off as being defensive: "Oh I don't mean you, you're different"
Examples:
On DD1 when she was just born: "Oh, she's beautiful - not even as dark as I expected."
A conversation about an advert urging people to foster BAME kids: "Yes well of course more of them are in the system they just don't value family as much as other people do they?"
On first meeting me : "Oh you're quite well spoken"
On me straightening DD1s hair as a one off for a special occasion: "Her hair is so much prettier like this - so much less unruly"
On DD saying "I'm from Jamaica!" because her nanna is from there and we just got back from a trip and she's proud of her mixed heritage : "Oh but not that much darling"
On black lives matter : "Why are they so angry? If you behave like a hooligan you will be treated as such"
It really upsets me and I don't want my DCs hearing this shit. Yes their dad is white but they are still people of colour and I don't want them growing up hearing the shit I heard which made me feel inferior at times.....from their own damn grandma!!!
I don't even want them thinking about bloody race but it's like she cant help herself from making comments which subtly remind them that they are different from their blond haired blue eyes cousins. They are subtle and not all the time but enough to plant a seed.
Told DH MIL's comments aren't getting better and I'd I refuse to fight with her about it. I've addressed her comments nicely several times and she just laughs me off. DH is being useless. Seems to think that because she's not in the KKK its all petty.
I don't know what to do.
AIBU?
To think MIL is not racist....but so f*cking ignorant & shouldn't be around DCs
rockacrybaby · 30/04/2016 22:01
Shit! That's one hell of an update. 
For now it's best that you and your dh do your very best to look after each other and your dcs with love and stability and leave your in laws to start thinking for themselves. You have both had a massive shock. But I'd suggest that it's your dh who is currently most vulnerable. You've discovered your in-laws aren't who you thought they were (a loss, but a bearable loss?) but your dh has discovered his own parents aren't who they purported to be, that his childhood family happiness was based entirely on lies, that his wife and children are secretly rejected by his apparently loving mother, that his entire family structure, childhood and 'self' are not what he believed. He's going to need a lot of support from you and possibly couselling to come to terms with that.
But that's for now. In the future now that the can of worms has already been opened there is maybe hope that some form of resolution is possible eventually. I don't know, but is racist behaviour triggered by hurt, guilt and anger easier to confront and resolve than racism based on sheer ignorance and stupidity?
Good luck to you and your family.
MrsJayy with BIL and cousins wrecking his house having loads of fun. I don't want to drag them from that to this. Me shifting from blubbering to intense anger and DH staring into space looking lost.
I agree with everything Lemonade1 just said. Also, rocks, I feel like right now Beyonce made the whole damn thing just for you 
Fuck me, this thread took a massive turn! Not at all what I expected 
I'm so sorry things are such a mess right now.
Gosh, rock, that's a massive shock. I do feel immensely sorry for your dh, he's just discovered that his parents aren't even remotely who he thought they were. I'd also want to scoop you all up and go to Jamaica!
I'm so, so sorry for both of you. This is a horrendous thing.
Got outside to the house started the engine MIL came rushing out. Took the car window down and politely asked her if we could do anything for her. She waffled on about how she isn't racist and isn't this all a bit dramatic. DH told me to just drive even though MIL was standing by the car. I thought it would be a bit of a dramatic and exit so cut her off nicely and said nows not the time we have just come for the car. She waffled even more DH lost it and shouted JUST DRIVE THE FUCKING CAR so I started the engine again and drive off with MIL in mid speech pleading.
Got to BIL1s house where DCs are and was instantly feeling better once I say DCs. It's like a wieght was lifted. Same with DH. While the kids were being watched by BILs skimpy clothed au pair (seriously leggings are not trousers) we had a little powow in the kitchen and suprise suprise MIL called BIL1A this morning and spilled the beans. BIL1 has always been the black sheep no pun intended and never ever really liked his parents. Respected yes liked no. Said he doesn't care to be honest and sees FILs infidelity has hardly groundbreaking or shocking. As long as him and his lovekids are at peace which they are then he doesn't care. I actually believe him. He detatched himself years ago.
DH didn't say much at all.
We went home and MIL called me. Ignored several times and picked up just to calmly say we need a bit of time.
She asked to speak to her grandkids. I hesitated and all hell broke loose. Literally hell. DH took the phone and hung up. only said about 20 words since around 2pm. Including just fucking drive.
The drama is embarrassing to be honest. Not my style at all. I've blocked her number. This is ridiculous TBH. There won't be any more updates from me for a while I'm defo not breathing any more life into this. Time for me and my family to heal. 
rock I wish you all the best. Hopefully you can have a calmer evening and start to re-group a bit
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