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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL is not racist....but so f*cking ignorant & shouldn't be around DCs

358 replies

rockacrybaby · 30/04/2016 22:01

I have a very mixed family but am more or less black. Coffee coloured. DH is white. Race has never been an issue on either side but his damn mother keeps on saying the most infuriating things and DH and FIL keeps on shrugging it off as "she's just from a different time/ it's just silly ignorance"

When I think about what my family has been through I just cannot dismiss it as such. I've done the whole "Oh come on" polite speech but she just laughs me off as being defensive: "Oh I don't mean you, you're different"

Examples:

On DD1 when she was just born: "Oh, she's beautiful - not even as dark as I expected."

A conversation about an advert urging people to foster BAME kids: "Yes well of course more of them are in the system they just don't value family as much as other people do they?"

On first meeting me : "Oh you're quite well spoken"

On me straightening DD1s hair as a one off for a special occasion: "Her hair is so much prettier like this - so much less unruly"

On DD saying "I'm from Jamaica!" because her nanna is from there and we just got back from a trip and she's proud of her mixed heritage : "Oh but not that much darling"

On black lives matter : "Why are they so angry? If you behave like a hooligan you will be treated as such"

It really upsets me and I don't want my DCs hearing this shit. Yes their dad is white but they are still people of colour and I don't want them growing up hearing the shit I heard which made me feel inferior at times.....from their own damn grandma!!!

I don't even want them thinking about bloody race but it's like she cant help herself from making comments which subtly remind them that they are different from their blond haired blue eyes cousins. They are subtle and not all the time but enough to plant a seed.

Told DH MIL's comments aren't getting better and I'd I refuse to fight with her about it. I've addressed her comments nicely several times and she just laughs me off. DH is being useless. Seems to think that because she's not in the KKK its all petty.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
hawaiibaby · 02/05/2016 10:30

Jesus Christmas I'm so sorry op Shock what a bank holiday weekend. Just want to say you and your dh are awesome facing all this and sorting it out. You will be OK no matter what. Glad you are having two weeks nc. Have an un mumsnety hug from me.

hawaiibaby · 02/05/2016 10:30

*christ not Christmas. Bloody phone!

Original poster
rockacrybaby · 02/05/2016 10:39

Jamaican people actually say jesus Christmas I smiled when I saw it Grin

OP posts:
beckythemasterbaker · 02/05/2016 10:39

As previously mentioned DH has been telling DD nana is mad and her hair is gorgeous and her skin is beautiful etc etc etc etc
The seed of self hatred has been planted, what you have to do is make sure your daughter has the confidence to see herself as more than just her hair. To not let it define her.

WellieWanger · 02/05/2016 10:42

Bloody hell. What an absolute shitter this all is. Big hugs xxx

Original poster
rockacrybaby · 02/05/2016 10:44

BeckyWithTheMediocreHair everyones living it up in Jamaica on the beach. Sister and brother and spouses have moved down for a year to sort out some family stuff. Nieces and nephews on the beach drinking coconut water everyday while I'm here dragging DCs through pulluted London every day cringing everytime they touch something. Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
rockacrybaby · 02/05/2016 10:46

Shall me and DH run away to Jamaica and live with my mum and dad?

OP posts:
Janecc · 02/05/2016 11:06

How insulting that fils ow somehow had loose morals because of her skin colour. We are all the human race and as sisters we should all be sticking together and not slagging each other off or pinching other women's husbands. We should be looking out for our neighbours and relatives or strangers on the street and their kids and giving them respect and love. As one big human race, we are all related. It seems like a lot of people need a history lesson

magratsflyawayhair · 02/05/2016 11:17

It appalled me how far we have to go still. People can cheat, lie, steal, hurt, be loving, compassionate and kind. Skin colour has no bearing on the kind of person someone is and how they behave. Why on earth can people not just accept that?

Your children are very lucky to have two parents both willing to stand up for them and very clearly and strongly not condone the racism against them.

RandomMess · 02/05/2016 11:17

So if the OW had been white, and her GC reminded her of how FILs other family looked she would have had handled it how exactly?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/05/2016 11:18

Wow, rocka, that's some revelation! Shock

It kind of does explain more of MIL's appalling behaviour, but not much because it's still racist, in that she's seeing "all brown faces" as the same, and not liking them because of what they represent, instead of seeing the grandchildren as distinct from her husband's lovechildren. Mad.

I hope your DH can find his way through - I think he might just need some counselling himself, because the rug will have been pulled out from under his feet; neither of his parents are who he thought they were, that's huge :(

And ((((hugs)))) for you - I think you need them! Wine

MrsJayy · 02/05/2016 11:25

I sort of feel sorry for Mil not with her behaviour towards skin colour and her grandchildren that is not acceptable, but her mindset isnt in the best place it seems she has tried to keep up some sort of pretence for her family and fils sake its so messed up

Original poster
rockacrybaby · 02/05/2016 11:32

ThumbWitchesAbroadWine

OP posts:
Original poster
rockacrybaby · 02/05/2016 11:35

Guys should I leave DH alone ? We've been together 6 years I've never seen this side. Also he wants DCs home but I don't. Advice on how to tread carefully please. I'm a bit weary of how I may come across because of all the stress im under myself.

OP posts:
Liska · 02/05/2016 11:41

You know him best - but my feeling would be to stay close to him physically, but not speak unless necessary. Be gentle and quiet. He needs to process, but your physical presence will be comforting. And I understand his desire right now to gather his children to him, and know that they are safe. He may just be feeling that you and they are his "real" family, and he wants you all around him.

Not sure if that's helpful, but sending hugs.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/05/2016 11:47

I think you're right to be wary - he's probably in a world of pain right now. But I can understand his need to keep his children close right now, he's feeling like his older family has been smashed to pieces (or his understanding of it anyway) and he wants to hold his own young family together, physically as well as logistically.

Give him a hug if he will let you - tell him you're there to listen if he wants to talk, or just to be with him if he doesn't, and that you'll do whatever he needs at the moment to help him through.

Janecc · 02/05/2016 11:50

I agree with Liska Personally after such a large shock, I would want softness and love. So much has been said and togetherness and silence is an important part of recovery from pain.

Lemonade1 · 02/05/2016 11:54

Beckywiththemediocrehair I took the 'good hair' nickname on Saturday as in it said 'nickname changed successfully' but then it's not seemed to have worked so I'm very confused! Who has the Becky monocle and why aren't they posting and why did it get nicked off me?? Maybe it's Beyonce Shock Or JayZ Shock or Becky Shock Shock

OP Sorry for hijack! I've read the whole thread. I'm really sorry for what you and dh are going through. I think the fact that you've found out this unbelievably astonishing secret behind it all could actually help you in coming to terms with your MIL. Not as in understanding or condoning, not at all. But as in realising she's totally fucked in the head about what your arse of a FIL has done. It doesn't change the fact you can't have your precious children around that awful shit, but you know there is a quagmire of dysfunctional shit that has nothing to do with you.

I feel so so sorry for your dh. I think you need to look after him right now and do what he feels he needs.

Hissy · 02/05/2016 11:55

Bloody hell! I'm so sorry this has happened to you all!

I rather think tho that the OW being black merely justifies and concretises mil's racism. I think once the dust has settled a bit, a frank and kind conversation with mil along the lines of what Mishaps said is worth a try. With a cast iron boundary line drawn tho, zero tolerance on shitty comments.

It may be that there's no resolution, but you need to understand and believe that this is nothing you did, nothing you deserve.

My ds is half Egyptian, very pale, blue grey eyes but with an Egyptian body and the most amazing hair. He's growing it as an Afro at the moment and immensely proud of it. I do worry if he'll be discriminated against, but we live in the country, so I think it doesn't occur to his peers to do anything other than accept one another. religious targeting worries me mostly, but I'm hoping he's bright enough not to get sucked in.

he loves bacon too much 😂

I love the sound of your sister! Her down with the brown comment made me laugh!

(((Hug))) hope you and dh have a good day x

MrsJayy · 02/05/2016 12:08

Yeah i think he needs to process it all just be around for him

Original poster
rockacrybaby · 02/05/2016 12:10

I don't want the kids home right now he's a mess and so am I. I need them safe from these vibes. I'll cuddle and soothe away but the kids shouldn't be here. Or AIBU? He's in the shower and told me he's getting the car from FILS and driving to BIL for kids. I don't want him too. What do I do? I said I don't think that's a good idea babe he said I want my kids here I said I know we both do but don't you think you're not in and good place today? I'll drop off their uniform and they can have just one more night. He just shook his head and went into the bathroom.
FFS.
I need us United and together but I can see cracks.
What do I do???

OP posts:
magratsflyawayhair · 02/05/2016 12:14

I think having your kids back may help him. He needs to feel united in his family and now that's you and the kids. I think getting them back and allowing yourselves some time together before work starts up again tomorrow might be a good idea actually.

Lemonade1 · 02/05/2016 12:15

Don't panic, you are in the eye of the storm. He's had a terrible shock. these aren't permanent cracks or they certainly don't have to be!

Let him get the kids but be on his own with them for a while if you can't cope for the moment. Would that work?

Liska · 02/05/2016 12:21

If the kids know when they were supposed to come home, and then that gets put off, it may be more stressful for them - they'll be worrying about what's going on, and if you are okay. I know you don't want them around with all this going on, but if you can work on a couple of phrases to explain it (a bit of an argument/disagreement?? something like that), it may actually work out better in the long term. It does sound like DH really needs them with him. He may be feeling orphaned by this.

Original poster
rockacrybaby · 02/05/2016 12:22

He looks a mess. Red eyes, dark bags, hasn't eaten, hungover from understandable whiskey binge last night with FIL. I don't want him making the DCs anxious with his demeanour. He isn't himself. Plus I don't want him driving hungover. Am I being too protective of DCs ? I want to retain their innocence and don't want them seeing or feeling this shit at all. Don't want them around these vibes sorry I just don't.

OP posts: