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Original poster

To think MIL is not racist....but so f*cking ignorant & shouldn't be around DCs

358 replies

rockacrybaby · 30/04/2016 22:01

I have a very mixed family but am more or less black. Coffee coloured. DH is white. Race has never been an issue on either side but his damn mother keeps on saying the most infuriating things and DH and FIL keeps on shrugging it off as "she's just from a different time/ it's just silly ignorance"

When I think about what my family has been through I just cannot dismiss it as such. I've done the whole "Oh come on" polite speech but she just laughs me off as being defensive: "Oh I don't mean you, you're different"

Examples:

On DD1 when she was just born: "Oh, she's beautiful - not even as dark as I expected."

A conversation about an advert urging people to foster BAME kids: "Yes well of course more of them are in the system they just don't value family as much as other people do they?"

On first meeting me : "Oh you're quite well spoken"

On me straightening DD1s hair as a one off for a special occasion: "Her hair is so much prettier like this - so much less unruly"

On DD saying "I'm from Jamaica!" because her nanna is from there and we just got back from a trip and she's proud of her mixed heritage : "Oh but not that much darling"

On black lives matter : "Why are they so angry? If you behave like a hooligan you will be treated as such"

It really upsets me and I don't want my DCs hearing this shit. Yes their dad is white but they are still people of colour and I don't want them growing up hearing the shit I heard which made me feel inferior at times.....from their own damn grandma!!!

I don't even want them thinking about bloody race but it's like she cant help herself from making comments which subtly remind them that they are different from their blond haired blue eyes cousins. They are subtle and not all the time but enough to plant a seed.

Told DH MIL's comments aren't getting better and I'd I refuse to fight with her about it. I've addressed her comments nicely several times and she just laughs me off. DH is being useless. Seems to think that because she's not in the KKK its all petty.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
RaeSkywalker · 01/05/2016 22:06

Thinking of you rock. I had a couple of nights like this with my DH going off to confront MIL. I will never forget how awful it was waiting at home. I hope you manage to get some sleep Flowers

AndYourBirdCanSing · 01/05/2016 22:17

you have NOT failed your daughter. You sound like a wonderful mum Flowers

WhoseBadgerIsThis · 01/05/2016 22:37

So many hugs for you. You've not at all failed - you had no way of guessing MIL was making comments to your DD behind your back. But now you know, you are standing up for her and protecting her. You are doing fab!

While it would have been best if BIL etc told you about the comments at the time, it sounds like now they know the whole story, they are all standing right alongside you. They may have dropped the ball earlier, but it sounds like when it really comes down to it, they'll be there for you.

Hang on in there, you are doing great.

And by the way, your kids sound utterly gorgeous!!

Original poster
rockacrybaby · 01/05/2016 22:39

DH still isn't home. BIL just called for me to say good night to DD. I gave him a little update and he is so angry. As I said he was nearly engaged to a mixed raced woman who he is too very close to now and in any case like DH hates racism.
DDs voice broke my heart.
She's so funny she copies her god mother who's really cockney and says : "bye babe"

OP posts:
ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 01/05/2016 22:49

I think, to somewhat defend the extended family, it sounds like the MIL only showed her racism ocassionally to each individual and everyone wrote it off as a rarity.. and nobody, not just you OP, nobody else except maybe FIL, saw that she was actually doing it consistantly

(not that ocassional racism is okay either)

Atenco · 01/05/2016 22:50

You know yourself there is only so much you can do to protect your children from racism, rock, sad but true. But teach them to be proud of who they are. Here in Mexico we have a few blacks from Haiti and others from Cuba. The Cubans walk so straight and so proud, no-one would ever dare to think they were less.

WhoseBadgerIsThis · 01/05/2016 22:51

I hope he'll be home soon and you can get some sleep. Your daughter sounds adorable as well as beautiful!

WandaFuca · 01/05/2016 22:55

I think it's something like the age-old boiled frog syndrome. You deal with things, and you deal with things, and so on, and so on, until you get to the point where you realise that the barbs (temperature) have got to too much. That's when you grabbed your DD and got you and her out of that situation and your DH followed.

None of this is your fault. You did your best over the years. Your MiL has no excuse for her attitude and behaviour.

Alisvolatpropiis · 01/05/2016 23:04

Oh op I am so sorry you have been through this today, it is clearly much worse a situation than you thought. Your mil is a horrific racist cunt.

I am so glad your husband lost his temper and made it absolutely clear where his loyalties (and morals) lie. With his family, his wife and children.

BoatyMcBoat · 01/05/2016 23:04

You have NOT failed your dd. Flowers

bumblebee1234 · 01/05/2016 23:05

You can't blame yourself for wanting to keep the family together. You tried your best but your MIL won't see sense. I tried with my family but they did not want to know. I think you need to be strong for your daughter but try not to blame your dh. He can't help who is family is but that doesn't mean you should put up with it.

Alisvolatpropiis · 01/05/2016 23:09

I am curious as to when the "oh they're old" argument will die a death. A great many parents (and parent in laws) will now have been born in the 1950's, increasingly the 1960's. These are hardly people who one can use the excuse "it's when they were born". My grandmother's (she's 78) next door neighbours when she was growing up were a mixed race couple. In the 1940's. It's hardly a new concept for British people.

Iflyaway · 01/05/2016 23:09

You need to not bother with other people,s opinions...

I am a LP parent.

Who gives a fuck he is half whatever.... really...

Just give him/her what he needs to get on in life... !

bumblebee1234 · 01/05/2016 23:19

But back in the 50's and 60's it was no dogs no Irish and no Black people were allowed to live in there houses. History doesn't lie.

Haffdonga · 01/05/2016 23:20

Thanks for you and your dh, OP.

You both sound like great parents fighting to protect your dcs with honesty and dignity..

Iflyaway · 01/05/2016 23:21

"Mixed Race' so called couples (we are one human family anyway) are the best cos of the best genetics...

marry in your local village the more chance of interbreeding going back a few generations

Alisvolatpropiis · 01/05/2016 23:25

I saw a documentary which said as muc Ifly.

I figure my hometown and my husbands are far enough away that heavily mixed genes isn't an issue.

That documentary was very interesting though. In every way, mixed race children benefit.

bumblebee1234 · 01/05/2016 23:34

My partners side is Jamaican they say out of many there is one.

SilverBirchWithout · 01/05/2016 23:36

bumble I was born in 1958, at no stage in my upbringing has it been deemed acceptable to be racist by most normal and reasonable people. Things like the No Irish, No Blacks signs were not seen as unacceptable at the time by the vast majority of people.

Yes terminology and language has changed, legislation has been brought in to protect people. By and large the police force and other organisations with 'institutional racism' have been shamed into changing. These changes have come about because the majority of ordinary people wanted them to happen to protect people.

But seriously for the past 60 years, although racism has existed and still unfortunately does, it has always been an ignorant and unacceptable behaviour. There is no justification for 'normalising' it in someway by saying people grew up in different times. Racists often use this as an excuse to justify their behaviour.

SilverBirchWithout · 02/05/2016 00:09

Double negative in first sentence. Should have read were not seen as acceptable

bumblebee1234 · 02/05/2016 00:48

SilverBirchWithout my dad was born in 1948 I think roughly he would be 67 or 68. It is to do with ignorance my dad said will my unborn child be a d or a m. I don't even want to write the words its offensive and its towards his grand daughter. Where I am living now in a small town they still call black people coloured and I have to correct them. Thats shocking what they have not learnt anything. No comments have ever been said to my children but if there were I would not stand for it for a second.

Atenco · 02/05/2016 00:55

""Mixed Race' so called couples (we are one human family anyway) are the best cos of the best genetics"

My dgd is well set up then. If I had had children with someone like me they would have ended up translucent. Fortunately my dgd has blood from almost every continent in the world running through her veins and is gorgeous.

Beeziekn33ze · 02/05/2016 03:01

I don't think it's so much people's age as whether they actually know anyone of a different race or culture. I hear ignorant comments about Islam from older people and ask them whether they've met anyone who is Muslim. I don't mean serving them in shops or caring for them in hospitals but as friends, often they haven't, even in big cities.

Sproutieboolaa · 02/05/2016 03:54

Poor you, how horrible. It's mil's fault, not yours, don't feel guilty. It doesn't sound clearly to me that your bils have betrayed you though. If they only heard the odd comment they may have just thought 'older generation' or something and not reflected on it being harmful or a pattern. I wouldn't expect them to be as sensitive to the remarks as you and DH and even you weren't sure what to make of it to start with. The important thing is that they back you up in not tolerating racism from her now the full picture is becoming clear to everyone. I would be v pissed off with FIL for being so spineless about something so important though.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 02/05/2016 08:12

What time did dh get back? What was said? Hope today is a better day and you can give your kids big squishy cuddles when you see them