To think MIL is not racist....but so f*cking ignorant & shouldn't be around DCs

[rockacrybaby]

I have a very mixed family but am more or less black. Coffee coloured. DH is white. Race has never been an issue on either side but his damn mother keeps on saying the most infuriating things and DH and FIL keeps on shrugging it off as "she's just from a different time/ it's just silly ignorance"

When I think about what my family has been through I just cannot dismiss it as such. I've done the whole "Oh come on" polite speech but she just laughs me off as being defensive: "Oh I don't mean you, you're different"

Examples:

On DD1 when she was just born: "Oh, she's beautiful - not even as dark as I expected."

A conversation about an advert urging people to foster BAME kids: "Yes well of course more of them are in the system they just don't value family as much as other people do they?"

On first meeting me : "Oh you're quite well spoken"

On me straightening DD1s hair as a one off for a special occasion: "Her hair is so much prettier like this - so much less unruly"

On DD saying "I'm from Jamaica!" because her nanna is from there and we just got back from a trip and she's proud of her mixed heritage : "Oh but not that much darling"

On black lives matter : "Why are they so angry? If you behave like a hooligan you will be treated as such"

It really upsets me and I don't want my DCs hearing this shit. Yes their dad is white but they are still people of colour and I don't want them growing up hearing the shit I heard which made me feel inferior at times.....from their own damn grandma!!!

I don't even want them thinking about bloody race but it's like she cant help herself from making comments which subtly remind them that they are different from their blond haired blue eyes cousins. They are subtle and not all the time but enough to plant a seed.

Told DH MIL's comments aren't getting better and I'd I refuse to fight with her about it. I've addressed her comments nicely several times and she just laughs me off. DH is being useless. Seems to think that because she's not in the KKK its all petty.

I don't know what to do.

bumblebee1234 Yes that's our national motto - I say it to DD everyday!!! I make her say it back to me before school so she knows. I taught her how despite tourist adverts showing otherwise Jamaica is an island of Chinese ,Jewish ,irish, Indian ,Cuban,Spanish and black all living together run harmony and everyone is jamaican. I like in Britain in Jamaica no one well ever ever ask you where you "are from " if you have a jamaican accent. Yes I'm black but they teased me and said I'm an English girl because of my accent.
I do wish Britain had a little more of this culture sometimes. There is still an air of yes you were born here but you aren't really one of us with the odd one of us and I still can't believe MIL is one of them.

"Yes you were born here but you really aren't one of us"

Which only serves to highlight the ignorance of the speaker, because let's face it, if you're British you're in all likelihood going to be descended from a settler of some kind.

Hope you're ok this morning. Your MIL really is a piece of work, isn't she?

I've just read the thread and I feel for you having to deal with this at all. What's wrong with people! I hope you and your DH can have a nice day together today and try not to let this dominate.

Her racism is her issue. I know it will affect your whole family but it is not anyone else's fault but hers.

It astonishes me that she doesn't see her own grandchildren as 100% beautiful.

Okay so. Deep breath.
DH got in at around 2am
Have you guys ever been so tired but also so anxious you can't sleep for shit??
So despite a bottle large glass of wine I was still awake and waiting hysterical at this point. Called my mum in Jamaica as she is hours behind and she went insane. I don't even understand what she was saying. Seriously. You know what guys ? Even though she was sticking up for me and her grandkids, it didn't bring me any comfort to hear MIL being slagged off. None at all. She said I need to tell DD black is beautiful everyday etc. She literally wants me to wake up as malcolm x today. Christ. She's just being dramatic but it did give me shivers how militant she was getting.

It's only because shes scarred for life from having incidents like niggers go home painted across the door when we were little. My dad wailed out of frustration as he scrubbed it off. My mum too as she was giving us breakfast. Many people off the estate condemned it. Still burned. We never got the red paint out. I shiver to this day. Mum wanted to paint over it. Dad said let them see. We know who are let them see what they are everyday. Let the estate see who they have living among them andet them.decide whether they will.stand for it or not. Painting over it is shoving it under the carpet and he shall do no such thing.

I got off the phone to mum and called DH. He didn't pick up. Arrived in an uber around an hour later pissed. He never ever ever gets drunk. He wasn't being sloppy or silly etc but was quite drunk. I asked him why he was pissed and why home so late. He said he's spent the night up with FIL who dropped some fucking esstenders shit I just really don't even want to type. This is a fucking joke. We need therapy. FIL had a black mistress and fucking mixed love childs running around London. FFS. I'm so sorry guys this is a joke. Anyway. One of them found him (well MIL) and was demanding money saying she was raised poor and he never gave a penny. FIL tells her calmly that he knows who she and her siblings are, has always watched over her , but him and her mum had an agreement. He gave her 10k a year for 5 years (how the FUCK DID MIL MISS THIS ) and she blew it on coke and madness. FFS. Look I wont get into.it as you guys have lives but....

MIL doesn't like black people now because her husband had a mistress for years from Brazil who gave him 3 kids. Despite him giving her money and seeing the kids occasionally they cut off contact around 25 years ago. Even though he cut off contact they are in the will (HOW THE FUCK DID MIL MISS THIS TOO????? WHAT IN THE NAME OF FUCK) and he left her with a lump sum to raise the kids and said if they ever want to find him let them.
They obviously do but don't know they were actually taken care of financially and that their mum blew the money and blamed him. Oh god. He proved he wasn't lying. They've been in contact since but didn't manage to build a non awkward relationship. Here is he eery / hollyoaks bit. DH said he saw pictures FIL kept.....no word of a lie these kids are the image of mine when they were little.
Oh god.
MIL was confronted again but did the same thing but DH refused to leave the house until he got answers and that's when FIL dropped the bomb.
Now DH has a racist for a mum and a love rat for a dad. Oh and random siblings running around in Hackney.
Did I miss anything? Apart from the toilet seat I ran to throw up into ???
Emailed a therapist I found online earlier.
Off we go.

that was quite a revealing weekend you have had there. Still doesn't excuse MIL by a long shot. That she saw the OWs race and chose to hate that aspect is the act of a racist.

Bloody hell

Christ on a bike i dont know what to say that is so messed up

Now FILs silence makes sense. Guilt. There's no excuse for MILs jealousy and racism but he feels guilty. When MIL looks at my kids she sees FILs love kids. Same green eyes as DH and FIL. Same curly hair. Same nose as FIL and DH. Fucking eerie. Sorry it is. My kids are brown like me with full lips and curly hair but everything else is DH who is the image of his father. MIL is wrong wrong wrong wrong but haunted surely. DH is just fucked. He idolised his parents. I refuse to believe MIL only found out when they came knocking she must have known she's a sharp cookie she must have known. I've told DH we need at least 2 weeks of NC then he can go back and ask questions. As for MIL that's definately NC until she gets therapy for an obvious deep rooted issue. FIL asked DH not to tell siblings DH told him to fuck off and that FIL has a month to come clean to everyone or else he will tell. No more lies and secrets. FFS. Don't want DD and DS home in this shit. The vibe is......tense.

Bloody hell! No words. Just wanted to give you .

When you think about our global history, and the fact that just about every country in the world seems to have been invaded by someone at some point, that would make us all ultimately mixed race, in a way, wouldn't it? that would be a fun one to land on the MIL! What a horrible can of worms for you. I hope you have a better day X

MrsJayy I feel sick. Threw up everything.

Just text my sister a little of what happened. She said "I knew that old man was down with the brown"
God forbid me for daring to laugh.

flipping heck rock, what an awful situation!

NC for 2 weeks is a good idea. Is your DH telling his siblings all this?

The shock must have felt like a punch in the face you poor husband too urgh what a mess staying away is probably best

He will if FIL doesn't. He feels FIL needs to wait for the mum stop being racist dust to settle before we go into dad stop being a cheat territory. Um.....

MrsJayy

Still MIL is blaming the OW for FIL having a long lasting affair. "It was her fault because she's not white, a white woman wouldn't have done that" erm yeah jog on MIL!

DH won't talk

I think maybe DD and DC should have one more night with cousins. I know me and DH have to pull it together but im a mess and just feel so sick and light headed. I know people of all races hate racism but this really hits home.
I think about how people will treat DS especially. I flinch and want to vomit when I think about the day he comes home and says he's been humiliated and stopped and searched which DH says he still sees on a daily basis. Sometimes he stops the car and asks the boys if they are okay. I think about how far we have come, how suppotive every one of you have been and it makes me cry because my own MIL can't even have the compassion of strangers online.

Oh wow that's one hell of a reveal.

Obviously it doesn't excuse your MIL.

Oh, rock, he's in shock. He's found out that the parents he looks up to aren't the people he thought they were. He just needs processing time. Just be there for each other: batten down the hatches and lick your wounds and don't expect anything from each other for a little while. He's done a very good and brave thing giving FIL time to tell his siblings, but it means he's carrying this new news himself. It's so good that you've contacted the therapist, but it will be a little while before DH will be able to talk about this.

Well - what a night you have all had!

The important thing to remember here is that you are who you are - whatever your parents or in-laws might have done, you are still two good parents who are getting on with life, and bringing up your lovely children.

I know this has been very hard for you all, but I guess you can now understand why MIL has let slip these totally unacceptable remarks - they arise from her anger and sadness at what her OH did to her. They are not really about you or your children. Thye are about her painful memories and sense of failure.

I am going to risk a prediction here. I think that this terrible few days is going to unlock some good things. Now that it is all out in the open, you can approach your MIL and be clear with her. Say that you understand her sadness and hurt but that you have to be absolutely clear about where you stand: you love her son and want to create a happy family that includes the grandparents, cousins, uncles, aunts etc., but cannot do so if there is any risk of negative remarks being made to or about your dear children. You can say this with the knowledge that you have of the background and are able approach her in a mature way. Have a "referee" at this meeting if needs be - preferably a counsellor or someone else impartial.

These sort of secrets in families can create mayhem (ever seen "Secrets and Lies"?) - but you can choose not to allow this; but to make this a catalyst for real positive change. As they say: we cannot control bad things happening to us, but we can control how we react to them.

The most important thing in all this is that your children should retain the security of their immediate and wider family who you can trust to help in the task of making them proud and confident people - which is the job of all parents, regardless of colour.

Let the dust settle, give yourselves some space and then create a plan of action - I know the pain you are in at this moment, but it would be much better if that plan was about reconciliation and honesty - remember Nelson Mandela - how he got thousands of people to forgive those atrocities I cannot imagine! You do not want to bring your children up in a situation where there are various members of the family that you and they cannot speak to. You want them to grow up with openness and honesty.

Gird up your loins - you really can do this thing.

Cross posted - I think your instinct about DD and DC is probably right. You and DH need some time.

Holy shit.

Give DH space if he needs it, rocka. His world has been shifted on its axis. He has come through for you and you know that he will fight for you and the DC, but he is going to need time.

Do you have someone in RL for support? are your mum and sister nearby?

Cross-post with Mishap's wise post. I agree. You have lanced the boil now.