My DD4 has just outed me - What have your DC said or done that made you want a black hole to swallow you up?

[SweetAngels]

Was shopping with my DD4 this morning, decided to stop by a cafe for lunch and drop her straight to nursery after - ordered food and drinks. I asked for a cappuccino with soya milk as I have a dairy intolerance.

I am convinced that the lady used normal milk as within 30min I needed the loo badly (sorry tmi I know) 😳😳😳 so had to stop by the house to use the bathroom. This kind of scenario has happened a few times before when eating out and it gets my goat in a big way

We were 30min late for nursery and as we walked in one of the ladies asked DD if she was OK as she was in late, to which DD casually replied we're only ever late when mummy has to go home for a poo 😱😱😱😳😳😳

I was absolutely mortified - I wanted the ground to swallow me up and I did the decent thing and asked a friend to pick her up this afternoon so I don't have to face them!

So in light of this thought I would ask how any of your little darlings have outed you and how you dealt with it?

babybythesea - me too on overdoing the health warnings on smoking. And you reminded me of similar mine have done.

On the beach last summer and we were quite close to a 40ish woman sitting and smoking. Ds2 piped up with 'look, smoking does cause wrinkles! She probably doesn't care though because she'll be dead soon anyway'.

Years ago DS (6) outed MIL on a lie.

We had dropped the kids DD (2) and DS (6) with the PIL for the weekend. When we arrived for Sunday lunch and to pick them up, I saw that DD had a red mark round her neck. I asked MIL what is was, nothing she replied it was like that when you dropped her off. I knew it wasn't. I asked DS if he knew what had happened. In front of MIL he told me that he had going into PIL's bedroom and found DD on the bed with the pull from the light, which was over their bed, wrapped round her neck. He and his cousin had unwrapped it. MIL just pretended she did not hear what he was saying to me. I went upstairs and saw that it had been tied up, out of reach, so they knew. I was furious. It was a long time before she looked after my kids again.

When I was about 4 we went out with my mums new bf and he carried me on his shoulders, apparently I did a very loud and very stinky trump on his shoulders, she was mortified

My mum pinched a strawberry as we went past a greengrocers when I was a toddler and I shouted "mummy, that's stealing"

Bloody hell, Blueberry!

I have had tears running down my face reading all these posts.

Ds asked his granny if he could have her ipad after she dies. She's in her mid 60s, fit and healthy and looks after her mum in her 90s so we're hoping technology will have moved on quite a bit before he gets it :o

A friends child once explained loudly to a packed room (referring to her mother's new Volvo car):

"MUMMYS GOT A BRIGHT RED VULVA!"

Jesus, Blueberry!

We try not to swear in front of DS for obviously reasons. Recently I stubbed my toe and said shit a little too loudly. A few days later I dropped something and said shoot instead of shit... My darling son who is 3 then said 'but mummy, you don't say shoot, you say shit!'.

I thought my husband was going to need near underwear he was laughing so much.

When my DS was 3 we were decorating and DH was upstairs using a wall paper stripper. DS told my MIL on the phone that 'Daddy was upstairs banging the stripper'!

My DD started tickling me in a supermarket queue. I did a pretend giggle. She looked confused and did it again. Again I pretended to laugh. She then asks (at the top of her voice) why I aren't making 'those' noises? I ask what noises? She says 'the noises you make when daddy tickles you' and proceeds to do a when Harry met Sally style rendition of orgasmic noises. Ground, swallow me NOW

yess its back!

Good god, I am sure they hear far, far worse than that on a daily basis! I used to child mind one or two days a week and also help out in the school and I would often ask the children when they started telling me a story about what daddy did, if they really felt it was necessary I knew this. This was simply because I would have to see him at hometime!

Just go and collect your child. They will have heard worse by now, I tell you.

I'm in stitches reading these, really brightened up my boring day

"Nan, Nan! Mum said the 'C' word!"

Crap. I said crap. As in, "Your bedroom is full of..."

He's 8 and hates 'swearing'. Unfortunately to him, 'swearing' is any word said in a negative way. Such as when my Mum told him the above was 'nonsense'.

The oldest dc was in the co-op with DH a few years ago.

In our co-op they usually have beer by the tills.

Look Daddy, its Daddy juuuuuuice. You like Daddy juice. Have a drink of Daddy juice.

yes, Dh does enjoy the occasional beer, but not in the way dc was making it out to be!

My nieces have outed me swearing to their mums. As in "auntie mind said a bad word mummy".

Way before I was born, my DF used to go to church on a Sunday morning and take my DBs. Towards the end of the service one week, silence descended (as always) as people returned to their seats after Communion and knelt down to pray to themselves. Then a small voice was heard clearly:

'Daddy...now we go to the pub...'

My DS once sat on my lap on a packed tube and wet himself, which of course went all over me, which was bad enough. I whispered to DS 'you've made me look like I've wet myself' (I really did) and he said really loudly 'Mummy, you've wet yourself' and burst out laughing. The whole carriage looked at me and I did indeed look like I had pissed myself! The shame.

Our DS1 stitched us right up to look like vile racists (nothing could be further from the truth!) when he was a toddler - I will never forgive him!

We were on our way for a day trip and pulled up at our little local shop for drinks for the DC, in the shop, run by an Indian family, my not so darling son had a complete fit screaming "I don't want to go to the brown shop I want to go to the white shop!" top of his bloody lungs! Lovely family who run the shop glared at us as we desperately tried to explain he called their shop the brown shop because it was a brick building.. and the white shop is Asda because they have a white building! It's the truth, but they didn't believe us I don't think.
MORTIFIED!

Yesterday in Waitrose (yes I know, we normally shop in Aldi, but the cafe is bloody lovely and surprisingly reasonable) tries to justify it and fails I go to the loo with dd2 age 4 and she says she wants to flush after we have both been for a wee (I am on my period)
'what's all that red stuff in the toilet mummy, have you got a poorly bottom?' I died, coming out with plenty of bemused elderly well to do ladies

Not my DC, but apparently when I was a small child, my Mum was offering her condolences to the next door neighbour whose husband had recently died of a heart attack, when I piped up:

"Mummy says your husband was a nasty man who didn't like children. I was watching Postman Pat when I saw the ambulance come to take him away!"

I don't think my poor mother has ever forgiven me ...

I had a male friend staying over whilst my parents were away, I hadn't brought it up with my parents due to my assumption that the 'no boys without supervision' rule applied even though I'd grown up and moved out (and then moved back in) For the next week DC kept asking if he was still asleep in the bed after she'd walked in on him during the week.

Reception class, circle time, dd's turn to speak. "My mummy says we're not allowed to touch our bottoms then put our fingers in our mouths because we've got worms."