My DD4 has just outed me - What have your DC said or done that made you want a black hole to swallow you up?

[SweetAngels]

Was shopping with my DD4 this morning, decided to stop by a cafe for lunch and drop her straight to nursery after - ordered food and drinks. I asked for a cappuccino with soya milk as I have a dairy intolerance.

I am convinced that the lady used normal milk as within 30min I needed the loo badly (sorry tmi I know) 😳😳😳 so had to stop by the house to use the bathroom. This kind of scenario has happened a few times before when eating out and it gets my goat in a big way

We were 30min late for nursery and as we walked in one of the ladies asked DD if she was OK as she was in late, to which DD casually replied we're only ever late when mummy has to go home for a poo 😱😱😱😳😳😳

I was absolutely mortified - I wanted the ground to swallow me up and I did the decent thing and asked a friend to pick her up this afternoon so I don't have to face them!

So in light of this thought I would ask how any of your little darlings have outed you and how you dealt with it?

My older cousin was In primary 1 at the time told everyone I had died everyone was so upset (parents that knew my mum) nobody spoke to her for weeks and were probably wondering why she was picking up said niece if her toddler had died it wasn't until her best friend a few weeks later had said she was so sorry she didn't know what to say etc my mother then had to go in and tell the school that I actually wasn't dead I was still perfectly fine

My brother who has aspergers went into school and told them my mum was an alcoholic (she's teetotal!) que phone call from the school where my mum had to explain about the plaque in her car that said 'shoeaholic' not alcoholic

Sitting on top deck of packed bus going on a nursery trip, so a parent with every child, and my DD (3 at the time) declared nice and loudly: "our house is a tip isn't it mummy?"

DS1 (now 8) - last year, when he was going through the usual phase of his baby teeth falling out, he had 2 loose lower teeth at one point. One day one came out while I was cleaning his teeth (it was ready to come out!) and the next day, the same thing happened with the second one. The day after that, DS1's teacher came and told me that DS1 had said that I'd "knocked his teeth out" - I had to explain what had actually happened! luckily she had a sense of humour and knows that he has a funny way of expressing himself

I can't add anything as I don't have kids I read these threads and remember why, but am marking place and choking with laughter.

'Oh, where are the carrots now'/'Up your arse I think mum'.

We live in an area of East London where there is a large Hasidic jewish population. A jewish man recently walked past us, dressed in regulatory hat, long coat etc. Cue DS shouting 'look Mummy, that man's a witch'

This thread is gold
I regularly lose continence (bladder is goosed following birth trauma) and 3yo delights in regailing others with stories of mummy having accidents. Particularly if another child wets themselves at nursery.

I remember taking my dd into a public toilet cubicle with me when she was about 2. As I pulled everything down to sit on the toilet she must have caught sight of my tampon string which I had TOTALLY forgotten about, and screeched at the top of her lungs, "MUMMY!!! WHY HAVE YOU GOT A MOUSE UP YOUR BUM?!?" I assume she thought the string was a mouse tail, and I could hear the eruption of laughter from the packed toilets....

Was with a male friend and we ran into an acquaintance of his who worked in the motor trade. Acquaintance had the most gorgeously angelic moppet of a daughter with him; about 6 yrs, blonde curls, blue eyes, and cherubic smiles.

While the 2 men were chatting next to me, I smiled at the little girl and said: "Are you off to anywhere nice with your Daddy?". She smiled sweetly and in a broad cockney accent replied "Nah! We're orf to the fuckin' post office to git his fuckin' Giro..."

Daddy had the grace to look a tad embarassed....

When my sister was around 8/9 she was learning about the lungs in school. The teacher showed a labelled diagram of the respiratory system which included the diaphragm.

Cue my sister piping up, "My Mum's got a diaphragm in her bedroom drawer."

Was a small village school and my poor Mum must have been mortified when the (male) teacher told her about it at pick-up time! Think my Mum may have regretted her policy of always being open/ honest about the topic of sex/ contraception at that moment!

I remember my little brother shouting "My mums got a bleeding noonie!!" at the top of his voice in Pizza Hut after she took him to the loo.

Took my DS and mum to the supermarket - look mummy there's that stuff you spray round when people are coming! ( it was mr sheen).

Also mummy what's that string hanging down between your legs ( I had nightie on bending to get loo roll). Me - erm I don't know - look DD it's really funny look at mummy's string. My lovely brother came for lunch with his wife and DS started to tell them about hilarious incident with mummy and the string!

I am buying pyjamas!!

When I was in reception I told everyone my Dad stabbed me in the face with a screw driver.

I also got a cob on in Tesco's when I was 3, my uncle had to launch me onto his shoulders as I was having a paddy, so I started screaming "BAD MAN! BAD MAN! NAUGHTY MAN IS TAKING ME AWAY! HELP!". Security chased after him. He was only 13!

I was a little shit tbh. I'm surprised my mum didn't have social round with the staff I said.

when I was about 4 my mum asked my Nana used to pick me up from nursery, and we got the bus back to her house. I sang 'McEwan's is the Best Buy, the Best Buy, the Best Buy, McEwan is the Best Buy in beer' , very loudly ! My poor nana was mortified as she was teetotal! God knows where I heard it from 😊

When DS1 was really little, toddling, the postman came to the door and I had to sign for a parcel. DS1 came toddling down the hallway, postman says "hello little man" DS1 says "Hello Daddy!"

Love these! My DD (then 6 or 7) had spellings to learn every week , and one time I couldn't read one of the words her teacher had written. It was either 'icing' or 'king' (imagine the capital I without top and bottom lines, and a 'c' next to it, but not quite touching - not clear). We got them on a friday so had several days when I genuinely didn't know which word to make her learn. Anyway - said teacher told me with much amusement the next week that my DD had told her I said that her writing was rubbish! Aargh!! (btw it was king!)

DD aged 3 needed a wee while we were in B&Q. Told her to hold on as we'd be finished really quickly. Next thing I hear is an almighty yell calling "Mummeeee, have you got any toilet paper?"

Turns out she'd found a loo all by herself....one of the unplumbed bathroom display ones.

Turns out too she'd done more than just a wee.

The staff thought it was hilarious and got the work experience boy to clean it out.

Friend of mine used to get regularly embarrassed in public by her DC's.

At the changing rooms in the swimming pool (very loudly): Mummy! Why have you got hairs there? At the front? Why can't I have some?

At the dinner table with elderly relatives: Mummy. You have a VAGINA don't you? I thought you would because you're a girl and a girl has a VAGINA. A boy has PENIS though doesn't he?

At the shopping centre in a very multi-cultural area, spotting a woman in an abaya and niquab : LOOK Mummy! Look, there is a ghost!

😂😂😂😂😂😂
Just had a read through the thread, absolutely hilarious!

Note to self do not take kids into a cubicle with you when you need the loo ever! 😄

DS was obsessed with tractors when about 3 but he couldn't pronounce the word properly, it came out as 'facker'. For some reason he went around one day saying to everyone, in a high-pitched, extremely audible voice, "You're a facker!"

In the middle of a busy pharmacy I turned my mum and said in that 4yr old voice that carries"mummy I didn't see daddy plant that seed in your tummy."

She was 6months pregnant with my sister, we were also in the pharmacy across the road from the surgery where she was a gp.Apparently we beat a hasty retreat into the dispensary

when ds1 was about 3 he peered up the empty trouser leg of an amputee in the Drs surgery I hid behind a magazine pretending not to notice him

Catty - so sorry....I read peed first and not peered!

Just in the loos at Tesco. DD (5) just very loudly said 'mummy, you've got a big fat tummy'. After I'd been she said 'but mum, you still have a bit of a big fat tum'

I do have a bit of a mum tum but It's not that bad little madam