My DD4 has just outed me - What have your DC said or done that made you want a black hole to swallow you up?

[SweetAngels]

Was shopping with my DD4 this morning, decided to stop by a cafe for lunch and drop her straight to nursery after - ordered food and drinks. I asked for a cappuccino with soya milk as I have a dairy intolerance.

I am convinced that the lady used normal milk as within 30min I needed the loo badly (sorry tmi I know) 😳😳😳 so had to stop by the house to use the bathroom. This kind of scenario has happened a few times before when eating out and it gets my goat in a big way

We were 30min late for nursery and as we walked in one of the ladies asked DD if she was OK as she was in late, to which DD casually replied we're only ever late when mummy has to go home for a poo 😱😱😱😳😳😳

I was absolutely mortified - I wanted the ground to swallow me up and I did the decent thing and asked a friend to pick her up this afternoon so I don't have to face them!

So in light of this thought I would ask how any of your little darlings have outed you and how you dealt with it?

Yesterday! Found holiday place, organised, booked and sorted food for huge group (6 families) for long weekend. Was fine but I did get stressed (in privacy of my own home) that if it all went wrong was entirely my fault etc etc

At end of holiday lovely friend thanked me in front of everyone and I was of course doing the "no trouble at all ho ho" when DD aged 7 piped up "it was trouble mummy you said it was a real hassle and you even cried". Yay!

My DD is 12 weeks so hasn't outed me just yet!.

When I was about 11 I was staying in a Hotel in Yogoslavia (as it was then) with parents and their friends. My Dad and I were really into Fawlty Towers and particularly the "Don't mention the war!" sketch - and would often joke about it with each other. At dinner that evening, I called out to my Dad across the dining room - "Dad, Dad - don't mention the war!" - and did the Basil goose step across the dining to my parents expecting to receive wide grins. To this day I remember their horrified expressions. The Hotel had a LOT of German guests.....

My then 4 year old son said that my friend was 'sexing' with him after she blew him a kiss.
Had to go to school to explain that this was his new word in case he said anything at school.
He's 25 now.
He also walked in on my and his step dad at it when he was about 7. He then proceeded to tell my sister and her family around the dinner table. 'They weren't even under the duvet!!'

Outing myself with some of these but here goes.

Ds was nearly 3 and sat in the seat of Costco trolley. It's very busy and we're waiting to pay at the checkout. Ds had been playing up and had been crying ( he tried climbing up into a tree/playhouse display and didn't take too kindly to dh pulling him back and holding him over his shoulder until he seated him at the checkout. Dd1 was 11 months old and content just to sit there watching everything. Ds takes a swipe at her so I tell him off and pick her up to stop her crying and to give her a cuddle. Ds keeps shouting "Mummy! Mummy!Mummy!" Over and over until I snap and shout "What?!" Just as the whole till area quietens down and you could possibly hear a pin drop he asks me in a half sobbing, watery and wobbly voice "Mummy please don't batter me when we get home. Promise me mummy! No battering ok?!" I went lobster red and could feel everyone's eyes on me. Eventually I said to him "er ok I won't." Not once had I ever threatened him. Dh was like :o

One night I had family around and one of them started singing and dancing very loudly while pissed in the back garden directly below dd's room. I told them to be quiet as kids were asleep. I thought nothing of it until nursery teacher told me dd had started singing in her group. They felt the song Gay Bar by Electric Six wasn't a song other parents would be happy to hear another child had taught theirs.

Ds once saw two old ladies that he thought were from the film Coraline. He went over to tell them. I didn't mind as I'd not seen it but he'd watched it at his grandma's house. They said thank you and promised to watch it. When I finally watched it I was horrified. They did indeed resemble the old ladies and it wasn't a flattering comparison.

Not mine, but yesterday we were having a meal at some friends' house.
Their 5 year old came back to the dining table from the kitchen to tell us all that pudding won't be long 'Daddy's just scraping the black stuff off the top and the kitchen is smoky'

Made us all smile!

at my MIL's, I try and say something quietly to my DH that I didn't want the MIL to hear while she was in the kitchen... DH doesn't understand and says "what?" and just as MIL comes back from the kitchen DD, then 3, says loudly

"Mummy, daddy didn't hear you because you were whispering"

When we lived in the USA a long time ago.
Thanksgiving time and all the kids had projects to do about what they are thankful for.
My DD wrote "I am thankful for my mom. She gives me everything I need and a few privelages."
No I'm not a monster.

Being Scottish in the USA usually meant we ended up having polite conversations about Scotland with complete strangers.
Lovely elderly couple talking to us about the Edinburgh Tatoo and had we seen it.
DD5 pipes up. "I've seen a Tatoo. Dads got one on his bum"

Also DD6 telling my friend who was baby sitting that she saw me and do having sex and we get drunk all the time.
(Her interpretation on us kissing and having a glass of wine)......
Fortunately my ds has been more tactful.

*dh not do

chillycurtains - did you tell your poor mum your son just wanted more play time?

These are all fairly tame :)

DS (4) in a small, quiet cafe said quite loudly 'oh for fuck's sake!'

I spluttered 'DS, you mustn't say that, it's unacceptable!' Followed by 'where on earth have you heard that?!'
DS said 'But you say it mummy!!'

Gin anyone?

When I was 4 or 5, my DGM was staying the night. She was about the worst MIL to my mother anyone could ever be, and was a racist, sexist bigot to boot (one of her favourite sayings was 'The only socialism I like is national socialism').

Anyway, she had just insulted my Mum, who was upstairs crying and wailing that she was a 'horrible cow'. What did I do but march downstairs and stand there, hands on hips, saying 'Mum says you're a horrible cow' in an accusatory way.

Walking out of the car show room after signing & paying for a new shiny car, while part ex'ing the old car, the DD (11) starts a loud convo like this,

"Mum, I'm really going to miss the old car. I mean I know it broke down.... [me-Shhh!] ... Well, broke twice recently.... [SSSHHHHH!].... AND it set on fire last week and the fire brigade came out, but I'll still miss it Mum." [Excellent! Thanks kid. Thanks a lot.]

Love these. My son aged 2.5, tripped and fell over in a restaurant recently and shouted loudly 'mummy you knocked me over, mummy why did you push me ' also has said 'mummy you need a poo, mummy do you need a poo?' While waiting for the public toilets!
He asked me why is that man wearing a funny hat? Is that a towel on his head' when he first saw a man with a turban.

When DSis was about 3 she announced at full volume to half of Sainsburys that she could see "Green gin for mummy!" DS is nearly 2, so will probably start doing this to us soon.

My favourite public toddler shaming was at the station a few years ago, getting off the train behind a super cool teenage boy with his trousers half way down his bum as a little voices calls out "Mummy! Mummy! I can see that big boys PANTS!"

My two little urchins have both embarrassed me in the past but the main two were:
"Mummy, is that a man or a woman?"
and
"Wow, that person is really fat".

Both were when we literally just walking behind the people.....I just wanted he ground to swallow me up!

Ds aged about 3 a woman in a niqab walking towards us. he shouts in a very loud voice " Look mummy its a ninja"

Driving past a tesco garage the other day with dh and dc in the back. Do has quite a bad speech delay, but said clear as anything teco garage choc choc. My dh couldn't stop laughing and now assumes I must go into the garage regularly for chocolate on the way home from picking dc ip from nursery for him to have picked up the name and recognised the logo it's just a Friday treat honest

It is sweet when a pre-schooler does it. My most recent mortification came when my 13 yo - yes 13 - had a birthday celebration. We planned an hour's activity in his choice of activity centre, followed by KFC, then some time at home so he and his friends could play video games. When they had finished their meals at KFC and seemed to be faffing about not doing very much really, I suggested we went home. To which 13 yo ds said 'why are you in such a hurry Mum, you hate having my friends back to the house so the longer we stay here, the less time you have to have them at home.' In front of said friends. It isn't like ds to even open his mouth so that particular sentence was pretty unexpected all round (though true). I just laughed it off, what else could I do?

My niece like to Occasionally come out with "do you remember that time you gave me a black eye?" Referring to the time I opened a gate and it swung back and hit her in the face ACCIDENTALLY!!

Ds1 (2.5) comes our with some brilliant stuff!

The latest was the other day when I dropped.him at playgroup. He walked up the the playgroup leader and announced loudly "mummy left ds2 (7weeks) at home".
I quickly reassured them that ds2 was with dh. While ds1 kept saying "no daddy's at work".
Dh wasn't working that day!

Great thread, some of these are hysterical.

If the woman with the (pre-school?) child at the M6 service station on Friday is reading I apologise but we all had a good natured laugh when a teenager sashayed out of a cubicle and walked past the basins on her way out and your DD piped up, full of indignation, maximum volume,
"Mummy that naughty lady didn't wash her hands did she? She'll have germs won't she Mummy?" (she was right too).

I remembered another! I was in church with my dsis and dniece. Dsis gives DN some chocolate to keep her quiet during prayers (she was 4 at the time). After DN is finished, Dsis gives her a tissue for her hands and face. At the top of her voice, DN assures her mummy that "it's not poo mummy, just chocolate". My dsis went very red. -I pissed myself laughing-

When I was a little girl, our next door neighbours were filthy buggers quite frankly. Their house was an absolute state, looked like it had never been cleaned or tidied EVER. Anyway they were getting their window replaced so I was able to see completely into their living room.

I shouted to my mum "OMG, their house is DIRTY isn't it mum?!" They all looked at me disgraced (obviously able to hear me because they had no sodding window at the time lol).

The other week some policemen came into DC's school to give them a talk... when we came out of school we were following a boy down the hill and DD1 told me loudly that it was one of the policemen, so I laughed and said no it wasn't (he was about 12), it went on for a while with DD insisting it was and me laughing and saying obviously it wasn't... And then he turned round and showed me his badge. So not actually DD's fault on that occasion, but embarrassing none the less...