My DD4 has just outed me - What have your DC said or done that made you want a black hole to swallow you up?

[SweetAngels]

Was shopping with my DD4 this morning, decided to stop by a cafe for lunch and drop her straight to nursery after - ordered food and drinks. I asked for a cappuccino with soya milk as I have a dairy intolerance.

I am convinced that the lady used normal milk as within 30min I needed the loo badly (sorry tmi I know) 😳😳😳 so had to stop by the house to use the bathroom. This kind of scenario has happened a few times before when eating out and it gets my goat in a big way

We were 30min late for nursery and as we walked in one of the ladies asked DD if she was OK as she was in late, to which DD casually replied we're only ever late when mummy has to go home for a poo 😱😱😱😳😳😳

I was absolutely mortified - I wanted the ground to swallow me up and I did the decent thing and asked a friend to pick her up this afternoon so I don't have to face them!

So in light of this thought I would ask how any of your little darlings have outed you and how you dealt with it?

Was in the disabled loo at a cafe with ds (who is disabled). Unlike the others which have a Little lobby this just has a single door between loo and the seating area.
so there was a running commentary from ds about what he was doing along with me telling him not to put his hand down the pan and DO NOT (then) put it in his mouth. Got him sorted and needed to go myself. So the exchange
me - don't open the door. DON'T OPEN IT.

Ds - do I have to stay while you go... THAT'S DISGUSTING
me - Leave the alarm alone. DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR.

From the smiles when we came out, everything had been heard!!

At least he hadnt started on the "you haven't got a willy what have you got can I have a look" like he usually does

My Dd at about 3 or 4 used to say in busy public loos - usually John Lewis "mummy that poo is honkin please let me out of here, I'm choking to death" then proceed to make choking noises. All the wee old ladies could barely stifle their laughter as I shuffled out a beetroot colour with a laughing choking child behind me. She knew what she was doing and took great pleasure in the old ladies laughing. Bloody comedian!

DS to not exactly skint SIL. "Mum & Dad say you and Uncle X are loaded."

My children cannot embarrass me any more.
I have three kids with autism, my eldest who is verbal, is very straight talking and doesn't understand the what can be said where, he is 12 years old.
He also often gets things confused.
He shouted I was a racist in the middle of a busy shop once because I asked him to pass me the biscuits in the black packet. He had heard of racism and thought that you were racist if you said the word black for anything.
He has told crowds of people if I have broken wind, gained a few pounds or how the toilet smelt after me using it once!
Just laugh it off and say " oh right ok" whilst raising your eyes. Works a treat!

DD, aged 3, looking pointedly at a man's groin whilst sitting in the back seats on an old route master bus, enquired in a pipingly loud voice, " Mummeeeee, do men have furry front bottoms too?" I died inside as I saw all the silently shaking shoulders in front of me.

My DS was bought a stuffed Fozzy Bear. He asked me who it was and I said 'its fozzy bear, he say's wacca wacca'. DS ran into the kitchen to DH and said 'look daddy, it fuzzy fucker'.

He also outed his grandad at the weekend. He had farted then ran in to me and said 'grandad called me a smelly arse'. DM nearly killed DF.

Ah Peachlife. I did similar, but aged 24! My parents were hosting some German Rotarians. I caught a coach from uni to spend the weekend with them. The Germans were arriving that evening. I arrived at lunchtime and frogmarched, Basil Faulty style, into the living room shouting in an appalling German accent, " Voteffer you do, don't mention zee var." I was met with the open-mouthed looks of horror from our six German guests and my red-faced parents. There are no excuses......

My eldest DS (ASD) who was 11/12 at the time state in a quite matter of fact manner that he didn't mind my DP (not his dad) kissing me - as long as it wasn't on the vagina. At the exact moment the waitress brought out drinks over! Mortified was not the word!!

I work in a school and was talking to a little girl (5) who said I can't watch that because mummy is always making me watch her adult films! Poor mum was totally shocked!

Laughing out loud here!.

Oh dear Marmoset!.

Just before Christmas DD1 accidentally knocked my lovely oil burner off the mantelpiece and it smashed on the hearth into smithereens. I wasn't best pleased. A week later DD2 aged 2.4 was staying at my mum's who was showing Dd her oil burner. Dd2 recounts the smashing incident. Oh dear says my mum. Yes, say Dd2. Mummy said 'Fucking Hell!'

Last year at nursery Dd1, then age 3, made a card for DH for fathers day. The staff had obviously asked the kids what they liked to do with their daddy's. Dd1's card read- I like playing grown up games with daddy! I called nursery and clarified that "grown up games" were their version of trivial pursuit where Dd and Dh made up questions and won wedges. I think they believed me, at least we never got a visit from social services, so they must have done!

No kids myself, but I was in the toilets in a nice pub the other week and a woman brought her DD in. We were the only people in there.

'Mummy, I did a really BIG poo the other day didn't I?'
(sound a bit embarrassed) 'Yes, sweetie, you did.'

Pause.

'Mummy, Oscar said Daddy has a REALLY BIG WILLY.'
'.... oh... did he?'
'Yes, Oscar wants to know if his willy will be nice and big too?'
'I'm not sure, darling. Have you finished your wee? Shall we go back and finish your lunch now? Let's go quickly before it gets cold.'

My gran constantly reminds me when I was about 2 or 3 on the bus with her and my mum and this scruffy man got on. I shouted 'look mummy it's worzel gummidge!' (Scruffy scarecrow man from an old kids to program). I am told that he turned bright red and got off at the next stop. My mum and gran were mortified but love telling the story now over and over.

We were on holiday last year and DH was having his turn staying in the room with napping DD2 so DD1 and I had gone back to the pool. We just bagged dun loungers and she shouted out (she never talks quietly) 'mummy why do I have to sit next to the man?' The lady on the lounger next to her was not best impressed and I did not know what to say (how she thought it was a man I do not know as she kind of liked like my mum. Short hair and in a swimsuit with a hat. Guess the short hair and hat did it. I just told her don't be silly it was a lady next to her and she could change beds if she liked but the was a (real) man the other side do she stayed put.

I recall my gran telling stories of my mum who hated anything dirty when she was a kid ( still does now). My gran had taken her with her to a lady's house and mum said I am not going in that house it is dirty. Then when she was finally inside she refused to sit on the chair as it was so dirty. My gran had to wipe the chair with a tissue before she would sit down. How my gran managed it stay there after that I do not know!
Waiting for DD2 to do something truely embrasing yet. She is now 3 so sure I won't have to wait long!

DS managed his inaugural outing this weekend.

DH was messing about on his phone and generally making leaving the house even more complicated than the toddler does. I told DS I was going to fling daddy's phone in the bin in a minute. DH finally saunters into the hall;

'Mummy is going to fling your phone in the bin.' All innocent; big smile, the lot.

Dying. I was right though

Had an acquaintance knock on the door to say hi as he was in the area, when DS was around 3. Said acquaintance unfortunately had to wear an eye patch for medical reasons. After a quick chat, we said our goodbyes and I started to close the door. Before the door is fully closed, DS yelled piped up with "Is he a pirate, Mummy?"

*was, not is

My landlord popped by and my ds (with speech delay) was trying to say "hello Russell" but it came out as "hello ass hole" had to explain what he was saying, funny but embarrassing too

In a charity shop today, my ds again was chatting away when a shop helper came over to us and said hello to ds, I'm not sure what ds was trying to say as sometimes hard to understand him but sounded to both me and the shop helper that he was saying "baldy", the shop helper man was bald!!!! I just blushed and moved on

DD was at work with me today. She had to go to the loo so I took her. Meanwhile, another woman entered a cabin beside us and let out a fart. DD asking casually: Mum, what was that loud noise? Me, whispering: I'll explain later, let's go. DD loudly: But why later, why can't you say what that noise was?
That poor woman must have been mortified.

My lovely DD has no filter whatsoever, likely picked it up from her dad When she was about 2.5 we were getting changed in the swimming baths when she declared (and I swear it fucking echoed) "Mam, your front bum is really hairy! Why is yours hairy but mine isn't?".... I did not leave that cubicle until I was adamant every other person had left

DD was about 3.5, sat in trolley in Saunsburys on a busy Saturday afternoon. In the alcohol aisle, she pipes up bet loudly with 'are you going to get Daddy some beer mummy? Daddy likes beer but sometimes if he has too much it makes him poorly doesn't it?' Oldish gent walking past grins and says to me 'Out of the mouth of babes eh'.

Another hem from DD...at nursery, they'd been shown a video of Barney (that hideous dinosaur who was universally hated in our house). Was told when I collected her that she'd said 'oh no, not Barney, he's a gimp' which may have been what she'd heard her dad call him when it was on our TV the last time!

I was driving a car of 8-9 year old boys to a football match.

Friend 1: I had to have an extra check at my school medical today as my penis is really really tiny... It's like only this size (demonstrates the size with his hands). (Said quite proudly).

Me: (trying to be reassuring). Well I would not worry as we all have different shaped and sized bodies and when you are a teenager you will grow lots and Your whole body will change.

Friend 1: oh I am not worried as my daddy has an enormous pen is it hands down his legs and had lots of curly grey hairs.

Hmmm dad was my DS teacher! Could not look that chap in the eye at parents evening a few weeks later!

Bloody typos

Penis not pen

Hangs not hands

Where did you look?

Not us, thank heavens, but way back a couple of friends used to refer to another couple as Miss Piggy and X.

They were having a lie in one weekend morning when this couple came to the door. One of their kids opened the door and yelled at the top of his voice, 'Mum! It's Miss Piggy and X!'
Parents of said kid were so mortified, they hid under the bedclothes and waited for MP and X to go away.
I never did hear what happened to the relationship after that...

DD (4 at time) says loudly on bus that she really likes Daddy's nuts, had to say yes peanuts are lovely, lots of giggles from others on bus