My DD4 has just outed me - What have your DC said or done that made you want a black hole to swallow you up?

[SweetAngels]

Was shopping with my DD4 this morning, decided to stop by a cafe for lunch and drop her straight to nursery after - ordered food and drinks. I asked for a cappuccino with soya milk as I have a dairy intolerance.

I am convinced that the lady used normal milk as within 30min I needed the loo badly (sorry tmi I know) 😳😳😳 so had to stop by the house to use the bathroom. This kind of scenario has happened a few times before when eating out and it gets my goat in a big way

We were 30min late for nursery and as we walked in one of the ladies asked DD if she was OK as she was in late, to which DD casually replied we're only ever late when mummy has to go home for a poo 😱😱😱😳😳😳

I was absolutely mortified - I wanted the ground to swallow me up and I did the decent thing and asked a friend to pick her up this afternoon so I don't have to face them!

So in light of this thought I would ask how any of your little darlings have outed you and how you dealt with it?

My dd6 (then4) asked her nursery teacher if she drank wine. Her teacher replied "I like a small glass sometimes". "Well my mummy drinks the whole bottle"

Oh god, DCs always have the loudest and perfectly enunciated speech when they out you, don't they?

DD - in Tesco and for no apparent reason: "Daddy's a silly bugger isn't he mummy?"
Me: Shush DD, it's not nice to say things like that
DD (louder, rising in pitch): But you SAID HE'S A BUGGER. SILLY BUGGER. YES YOU DID MUMMY, WHY ARE YOU WALKING SO FAST, MUMMY I'M NOT SHOUTING, YOU LIED ABOUT DADDY.

She was/is perfectly lovely most of the time, Tesco always brings out the worst in her!

Another!
I think I've told this on here before actually but tiz a good'un...

At a family gathering of DPs family, DD comes to the toilet with me and I find I've come on unexpectedly, sort myself out, go back downstairs for DD to announce
"Mummy's done a poo in her knickers"
I had to then announce to the whole room (of about 18 people) that actually I hadn't done a poo, I'd come on my period
then I got drunk in the corner

Car was in the garage so we went to town on the bus. Just as we were getting on.

Ds2 2 1/2announces " Look at that lady isn't she fat!"
Red faced I try to sush him to no avail, " Well she is ... look she takes up the whole seat."
I apologised and wanted the ground to swallow me up. Needless to say I was glad to get the car back.

I have had tears running down my face reading some of your posts.

My DD went shopping wth her dad one Saturday morning, off to Reiss to look for a tie. As DD walked in she turned to the guard at the door and said loudly to him

My dad has a really big willy.

He Snorted, glamorous yong shop assistants snickered, , DH squirmed.

Once my DS was reading the Oxford Reading Tree
It was something like:
"The something was broken, oh dear said Mrs May
The something else was broken, oh no said Mrs May
The something else was broken, oh bother said Mrs May"

My DS couldn't read "bother" so he took an educated guess at "bugger". Could have been worse.

Similar to you, OP - doctor's appointment while pregnant with DD and had to go to the bathroom to provide a urine sample. I had DS (then 2.5 and in the middle of potty training) in tow so when we got back to the doctor's waiting room afterwards he announced to everyone 'Mamma had to go potty!'

Marginally less embarrassing in a doctor's surgery full of pregnant women though...

My DS (he's 10) told a whole group of people "mummy had a beard once but she plucked it out!"

Stupid bloody chin hair!

I work as a Childminder and hear lots and lots of things.....
The 8 year old who told me that Daddy got so drunk at his little brothers party at the weekend that he fell asleep on the stairs in his pants....
The 2 year old who told me that Daddy has a bottom that trumps a lot.....
The 5 year old who told me that Mummy's friend John was coming for tea, but we can't tell Daddy.....( they eventually split, and Mummy married John....)

Remember.....you never have any secrets if you have children.....

Ds was messing in my bag in the doctors waiting room when she was about 3. She fished out a tampon, held it aloft and asked if I was going to put it up my bottom. Loudly.

I have IBS and when it's aggravated suffer the most obnoxious wind/constipation.

DD likes to announce to DH's best friend everytime he's over:

"Mummy blocked the toilet!"
or
"Mummy does wafty cabbagey farts!"

I am sure this is the whole point of the "what I did at the weekend" that teachers like children to write!

Oh and...
"Mummy is wearing a pad because she is bleeding!" to anybody who will listen

I washed an iPod nano in a pocket years ago when my DD was about 5. I thought I would chance taking it into the Apple Store and left my middle DD with a friend and the baby downstairs in the store as she was a stickler for the truth, but took the 5yo with me to the Genius Bar. I blabbed on about not knowing what had happened but the iPod nano had stopped working. DD was swinging on the stool saying (chanting loudly) Liar Liar Pants on Fire - you put it in the washing machine.... Can't actually remember the outcome now but can remember the shame

My ds, when he was 5, told his school that daddy gave him white powder to make him stay awake all night. On hearing this the school immediately called social services, who called the police. DH was arrested upon suspicion of supplying drugs, our house was searched and then ds had to be interviewed on video by child protection officers.

What DH had actually given him was a sherbet fountain and said, "I shouldn't let you have that this close to bedtime; you'll be awake half the night!"

So that was fun.

I had a collision with a British Gas van, he hit me, middle child informed the policeman that i had said a swear word when it happened. Policeman asked her what it was just as he was setting up the breathalyser. She told him, it was beautifully spoken, very clear and correctly pronounced. The poor officer had to stop what he was doing as he couldnt concentrate properly. She then told the ambulance crew and the lady in the shop later.

These are hilarious! Great preparation for what's to come from DS... I think poo will feature a lot.

Dd2'S minibus arrived to pick her up for nursery and as the chaperone was fastening her into her seat, Dd1 (who is 6 and was standing next to me) says "pick me up mom". I said "I cant dd, you are too big for me to pick up". " no I'm not too big mum" she says, "I only come up to your little tiny booby"
MALE chaperone stifles a giggle and pretends he hasn't heard.

Thanks dd.

Childminding is excellent for these - I used to have a mindee who informed me that she didn't like sleeping in the dark because the pipes in their house made funny noises ...then proceeded to demonstrate panting and groaning noises that were definitely not pipes!

Ds aged about 2 said 'bye man' to the checkout operator in tesco. All fine except it was a woman. I made the rookie mistake of saying 'no ds lady' to which he replied 'no mummy no hair, mans face mans body. Man'

Dd went through a stage aged about 3 when she was obsessed with a graveyard near us. Told her people were buried there when they died but she was upset and worried about dying and so I said 'most people don't die until they're really really old'. Week later in the doctors surgery sitting next to white haired lady.
'Mummy that lady has white hair'
'Oh yes'
'You get white hair when you're old don't you mummy? Like 50 or 100 or 45'
'Erm well...'
'Yes that lady will probably be dead soon. Maybe tomorrow. Dead and buried'

Dd upon seeing an 'emo' 'mummy why is that lady dressed like a witch when it's not even Halloween?' . Said 'witch' was lovely about it.

Dd to teacher 'my daddy is very grumpy when he has too much alcohol' . Dh had been out that weekend and was a bit hungover but it wasn't a regular event!

Dd saw a man in camouflage gear
'mummy why is that man dressed like a soldier'
'Oh maybe he likes it'
'But he's not a soldier mummy'
'Maybe he is but anyways you don't have to be a soldier to wear it'
'mummy!!! He's not a soldier LOOK at him'
I was mad at her about that but I don't think she meant to be mean I think she just meant because he wasn't Doing army things and was in a cafe! Man was quite portly thought and think maybe he thought she meant that.

Dd again 'oh hello granny mummy didn't want to come so we're only staying for an hour and then we're leaving or she'll be cross'

Dd to my mum 'what you doing?'
'Cleaning the fridge'
'Oh I didn't know fridges got cleaned - ours doesn't!'

Had an asda delivery and man was quite abrupt. As I shut the door Dd shouted through to me 'what a big grumpy man'.

Also told Dd not to answer the front door on her own (aged 3ish) because it could be anyone. Cue doorbell going when I'm upstairs and Dd shouting through the letterbox 'I can't answer the door mummy thinks you're a bad man'. Poor postman was

Worst one though was when we had workmen round and I mentioned 'oh my husband wanted me to ask...' And Dd pipes up
'Who's your husband mummy?'
'Daddy!'
'Hahaha my daddy isn't your husband mummy don't be silly'
I think she just didn't know what a husband was really but the workmen were sniggering away to themselves.

Dd is a bit better now aged 5 but ffs between 2-4 she was a nightmare.

When I was 6 I was travelling on a train with my mum and we had got up to go to the doors when a stranger told me to "hold onto your mum."
I misheard and said "26" thinking he had asked how old she was

Trevortheweather that is a nightmare

I have an example of when I did this to my mum,
we were at a bake sale and mum had supplied a carrot cake. A woman complimented mum on the carrot cake to which I loudly replied that she had made it from a mix. I feel bad to this day