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Original poster

My DD4 has just outed me - What have your DC said or done that made you want a black hole to swallow you up?

298 replies

SweetAngels · 29/04/2016 17:17

Was shopping with my DD4 this morning, decided to stop by a cafe for lunch and drop her straight to nursery after - ordered food and drinks. I asked for a cappuccino with soya milk as I have a dairy intolerance.

I am convinced that the lady used normal milk as within 30min I needed the loo badly (sorry tmi I know) 😳😳😳 so had to stop by the house to use the bathroom. This kind of scenario has happened a few times before when eating out and it gets my goat in a big way

We were 30min late for nursery and as we walked in one of the ladies asked DD if she was OK as she was in late, to which DD casually replied we're only ever late when mummy has to go home for a poo 😱😱😱😳😳😳

I was absolutely mortified - I wanted the ground to swallow me up and I did the decent thing and asked a friend to pick her up this afternoon so I don't have to face them!

So in light of this thought I would ask how any of your little darlings have outed you and how you dealt with it?

OP posts:
MyMurphy · 30/04/2016 14:36

Nursery took me to one side to tell me that my DD was saying "Fuck you" to them, She just couldn't say "thank you" very clearly!!!!!

SideOrderofChip · 30/04/2016 14:56

My dd2 is well known for being rather.....eccentric.

She has been known to ask her Teacher 'Do you really REALLY want to be here?' before you (shes 4!)

Well when she finished pre school last year the teacher pulled my aside and said

'DD2 is a lovely child. Has an amazing grasp of sarcasm and uses it appropriatly. But we do think that her use of swear words and the fact that she uses them in context might be of concern to you'

Yes. Dd2 had when out on the bikes of saying 'Move out the fucking way'

I take no responsibility ive said worse when driving

BillBrysonsBeard · 30/04/2016 14:59

My brother had never seen a black person before the age of 3 (Holland in the 70s) One day one got into the lift and he started crying and asking "why is that man's face burnt mummy?" The man was laughing thankfully. Mum was mortified!

Avonandice · 30/04/2016 15:02

Himself has just reminded me about when youngest child was about two.

We were in the town for the carnival (i think) and the mayor and mayoress were doing the shake hands and kiss babies routine. Lady mayoress is a tall well proportioned jamacan lady , looked a lot like Rusty Lee, and he does no more than reach towards her, grab her bust and yelled 'honk,honk'

Mayor nearly fell over laughing, i wanted the ground to swallow me up, lady mayoress yelped and then thankfully found the funny side.

Subatomickitten · 30/04/2016 15:31

Another public toilet one. In a cubicle quickly changing a tampon when DS was around and he screeched "mummy! Do not put that crayon up your bottom. What are you playing at?" Que snickering from other cubicles and me hurriedly explaining it wasn't a crayon, it was to stop me from bleeding. He threw me a dirty look and indignantly called out " well your bottom wouldn't be bleeding if you didn't put crayons up there!".

iklboo · 30/04/2016 15:35

Taking DS to nursery one day we walked past the local shop. DS said very loudly 'Look mummy, it's that shop where you & daddy are always buying vodika (vodka) and dirty beer'.

GarlicShake · 30/04/2016 16:04

Grin Grin Subatomic

coffeeisnectar · 30/04/2016 16:10

DD1 aged 7 standing at the checkout in a busy supermarket. I'm heavily pregnant and she suddenly pipes up very loudly 'so how EXACTLY DOES THE BABY GET IN YOUR TUMMY THEN mummy?'. It was like everybody within 20 ft froze and turned to stare at me and await my answer (which was 'we'll chat about this at home dd').

DD2 has ASD and as a result has little no tact. Just this morning we had popped into our neighbours and the little boy asked if he could come and see our house. I said yes, that's fine, he can come home with us for a while. As we were all leaving he asked about lunch and I said that it was fine if he wanted to have lunch at our house too. DD (who is 10) hissed at me 'well that's just going TOO FAR! I don't even want him coming over and you're inviting him for lunch??' DP and I were in hysterics.

Archer26 · 30/04/2016 16:22

subatomic GrinGrin

SunsofAlanKey · 30/04/2016 16:47

When my DS was very little we had gone to a friend's for lunch, there was a whole load of us. We were having dinks before the meal and my DH took DS to the loo. DS came downstairs and back into the room where we all were, lunch had been called so I said to DS 'is Daddy downstairs now', a hush descended on the room and DS replied 'I think he may be a bit longer he needed a big poo'. When DH came down he received a round of applause and a lot of laughter. He claimed it was just a wee.....

LordoftheTits · 30/04/2016 17:36

Another person who grew up in a very white area. Apparently I first saw a black person on the bus and loudly asked my mum why the man had a 'chocolatey face' Blush

I also asked my granny, 'when you die, can I have your stuff?' Shock it's okay though, I've since grown up to realise that the old bag is going to outlive us all out of spite...

LastInTheQueue · 30/04/2016 18:22

I used to pick up my little brother from primary school and we'd make our way home on the underground, just a couple of stops - Clapham South to Clapham North.

When he was about 7, we were going down the escalator in Clapham South and he very loudly asked me: "Last, what's a blowjob?" I was only 13, but told him what I knew, including the fact that it's also called fellatio, much to the amusement of everyone around us who stopped to listen.

lbsjob87 · 30/04/2016 19:01

My little sister (then about 4) decided she wanted to work at the factory our mum worked at, but my mum told her "No, it's a dead end job, you want to aim higher than me."
About a year later, she left and after a few weeks a former colleague popped round for a visit. My dad answered the door, and my sister shouted upstairs to my mum "Mummy, it's that lady with the dead end job at the door......"

alleypalley · 30/04/2016 20:25

Not me but my dd outed her teacher recently. She was doing some 1 to 1 reading with him that was being videod for the school website. I'm a publican and we live above the pub, something came up in the story that sounded like the name of the pub so dd goes off at a tangent talking about how she lives in a pub and then said 'you know Mr teacher, I see you in there all the time'. And it was all caught on video. Sadly they edited it out for the final cut.

Mishaps · 30/04/2016 20:38

Walking across the expanse of the cathedral close with DD in her pushchair, a very very large lady was walking/waddling towards us - I held my breath hoping DD would not say anything. But she did, at full volume: "Mummy, why has that lady got no knees?"

yanniwoo · 30/04/2016 20:43

DD the charmer once answered the phone to my Dad telling him "mummy's in the loo shoving cotton wool up her bum"

He was still hooting with laughter a minute or so later when I took the phone...

BlueberrySky · 30/04/2016 21:08

When DD was about 3, taking her to public toilets. She would have a wee then I would. Unfortunately she felt no need to wait for me to finish, and would open the door whilst I was still on the loo. Please keep the door shut, I would ask, still she would expose me whilst she opened the door.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 30/04/2016 21:12

We were helping FIL on the farm when DS (4 at the time) declared he was thirsty. FIL scooped him up and took him up to his cottage. when DS came back, literally the first thing he said was "grandads given me something that will get him into trouble...COKE! And told me not to tell you mummy"

Mishaps · 30/04/2016 21:20

Very pompous local man who took every opportunity to make himself look impressive (as he thought) turned up at a local event one day in his St John Ambulance uniform - my 4 year old DD asked very loudly "Is that man a bus conductor?

GreaseIsNotTheWord · 30/04/2016 21:30

We were standing in the nursery yard one morning when ds2's (who was 4) teacher opened the classroom door. She'd not long come back from maternity leave.

Ds1 stood back whilst a few other kids went in and looked her up and down. Then he said, clear as a bell and sounding quite indignant 'Mummy! I don't think Mrs Simons has gotten fat at all!'

Clearly he'd overheard me talking to dh the day before Blush . It's probably the most horrific moment I've experienced in recent years, I nearly vomited on my own shoes.

GreaseIsNotTheWord · 30/04/2016 21:31

Should be ds2 not ds1

Newyearnewbrain · 30/04/2016 21:51

DD1 has form for all of this.

She went through a stage, around 3, of doing stage whispering whenever we were sitting near an older person on public transport and saying:

THAT MAN NEEDS HELP GETTING ON AND OFF THE TOILET.

Then there was the bus journey we shared with a lady who had dwarfism and DD1 rolling out the stage whispering with: MUMMY THAT LADY'S BONES DID NOT GROW PROPERLY.

Cue hand clamped over mouth and silent prayer that she doesn't speak English (we live in Switzerland).

She was an Aussie.

Swifey · 30/04/2016 22:34

When I'm a cafe, at about 10am, the lovely waitress came over to take our order. We went there fairly regular and it's fairly busy. She said to ds4 'what would you like' he replied 'a babyccino please' and mummy?? Ds4 also replied to this.....'Mummy would like a large glass of wine, please! It's her favourite!' Thank you very much ds, now everyone in here thanks I'm some kind of lush!!! Luckily the waitress didn't miss a beat, and said 'a cappuccino, no problem! Wink

Swifey · 30/04/2016 22:35

Whoops 'fairly regularly' that should say!

babybythesea · 30/04/2016 22:38

DD1 has a horror of smoking - I may have overdone the health warning. Out shopping, she saw someone smoking. She took a deep breath, clamped her hand over her mouth and rushed past. Then she said, penetrating lay loudly, "That man had a smoker. Did you see? He might die. I don't want to die. He might even kill children with that smoker." We walked oh so swiftly.....

My nieces told their teacher that Daddy was always going to prison. Well he is. Because he' s a lawyer. They just didn't mention that bit.