My DD4 has just outed me - What have your DC said or done that made you want a black hole to swallow you up?

[SweetAngels]

Was shopping with my DD4 this morning, decided to stop by a cafe for lunch and drop her straight to nursery after - ordered food and drinks. I asked for a cappuccino with soya milk as I have a dairy intolerance.

I am convinced that the lady used normal milk as within 30min I needed the loo badly (sorry tmi I know) 😳😳😳 so had to stop by the house to use the bathroom. This kind of scenario has happened a few times before when eating out and it gets my goat in a big way

We were 30min late for nursery and as we walked in one of the ladies asked DD if she was OK as she was in late, to which DD casually replied we're only ever late when mummy has to go home for a poo 😱😱😱😳😳😳

I was absolutely mortified - I wanted the ground to swallow me up and I did the decent thing and asked a friend to pick her up this afternoon so I don't have to face them!

So in light of this thought I would ask how any of your little darlings have outed you and how you dealt with it?

Also when my son first discovered measuring tape in my sewing stuff, he loved having his height measured. But he wasn't great at pronouncing his sibilants, so he went around telling everyone who would listen that 'mama is going to murder me at home!'

The one I always remember isn't mine.
Live TV Saturday Night something about 20 years ago possibly now.
Cute six year old girl being asked questions about her pets whilst parents stand proudly by the side.
'What does Rover like to play with best then little Emily?'
'Oh he loves to play with mummy's dirty knickers that she leaves on the floor..'

2 million viewers maybe?

Shot to mum who is clearly hoping a black hole opens up.

That episode was a lesson for life!!

Loving all these imaginary men that come round in the daytime - and the lovely corroborating details 'Max', 'mending a light'

Growing up I lived very rurally and one day the police came round as my db had been seen scrumping apples in a neighbours orchard. It must have been a quiet day:) Parents listened to them moan and then ask to see him ( he was 15 at the time) and I ( aged about 3) piped up into the difficult silence " he's upstairs and he's got LOTS of apples"

I've just remembered another one. She was about 2 and we were in a changing cubicle. She was deliberately bumping into me and the shouting "ouch, no mummy don't do that, don't hurt me!" Over and over again. I'm surprised I didn't find social services waiting on the other side of the door. Just lots of evil glares.

Dd talked very early and I always remember her sat in the trolley at Tesco Not quite 2 years old and as we walked down the alcohol aisle spouting at the top of her voice ' wine mummy like wine'

Another time we won a bottle of wine at the nursery summer fayre but had already gone home before the draw was announced. The following week at nursery the manager gave me said bottle of wine to which dd pipes up- oh goody is that the wine I like??

Don't you just love them

DS had a friend round for tea when they were about 6. They were playing with a load of beer bottle tops that hoarder DH had persuaded DS to collect - about 18 months' worth.

When DS's friend's dad called to collect, DS announced "Look how many beers my daddy's drunk this week "

thornyrose yes, it was a nightmare! It was surreal, like it was happening to someone else. We look back and laugh (wryly) now though. Dh says Ds owes him a pint when he's old enough to buy one!

I think I've gotten off relatively unscathed except for both my DC loving to point at the wine aisle in Tesco and loudly saying 'look, mummy's special juice'.

Wetting myself at some of these

DC3 announced my pregnancy to his class. Except i wasn't pregnant. Two years later I actually was and they didn't believe it at first!

Love this thread.

We are Jewish but culturally only. Never observed any of the dietary rules etc. We were in the Jewish deli buying bagels one day and dd (5 at the time) walks up to the cooked meat/fish etc counter and excitedly points and shouts "Mummy, is that ham? If it is, can I have some."

We were in the underwear dept at M&S when DD aged 3 pointed to one of the mannequins and said:

"Look mummy, a posh lady!"

Me: "Why is she posh darling?"

"Her bra and knickers match. Not like yours Mummy."

Walking out of the school playground with Dd and the new boy in her class and his mum. Dd announces "Mum this is the boy you said didn't exist". Boys mum isDd had been going through a fibbing stage so when she starting talking about a new boy I thought she was making it up.

When my youngest was 2, she happily piped up to tell the cashier at Tesco, "Mummy's got to buy knickers because she's going commando!"

:o :o :o

In the bathroom on the loo, window open , dd age around 4 talking to next door neighbour outside "we're going out but my mum has just gone inside for a quick poo"

Same DD age 5 to school caretaker who was real nosey git "Mr Whitehead, my mum thinks you're nosey" I was stood with her at the time.

These are brilliant.

Trevor you win though. Jesus.

Helping out backstage for a show with several other mums, my DD (8) & her friend are getting changed....her friend stops & stares at me for a little while then asks very loudly...'why do you have a moustache?'......😱😱

I waxed that night! 😂

Not outing me as such, but DS once followed a fairly slim man in a checked shirt around Sainsburys shouting "LOOK MUMMY IT'S MR TUMBLE".

On another supermarket trip while stuck at the tills so no escape, he started laughing and pointing at "that man's silly beard... It's so SILLY! LOOK AT THAT SILLY BEARD!" About a foot away from said man, who happened to be a very tough looking biker. (His beard was fucking silly though)

DC1 saw a man with very lovely, long flowing hair in a shop, and proceeded to say, at full volume: "MAN OR LADY, MUMMY? MAN OR LADY, MUMMY?"

I explained to DS that you have to wash your hands after the toilet in case you get wee on them.

He then told everyone in softplay that I'd weed on my hands.

He ran around singing "my mummy wees on her hands" at the tip of his voice

DS2 was a very good swimmer, but only 3ish, and wanted to go on the Centreparcs 'wild water' but obviously very small, so DH said to me he would make sure he kept just behind him so he didn't get squashed by a 'gutbucket' ( Yes, I know, charming)
Didn't even know DS was in earshot, but inevitably he heard and took a liking to the word and the whole weekend if he saw someone portly in a swimsuit, kept piping up very clearly slowly and piercingly enunciated 'Gut. Bucket!'