My DD4 has just outed me - What have your DC said or done that made you want a black hole to swallow you up?

[SweetAngels]

Was shopping with my DD4 this morning, decided to stop by a cafe for lunch and drop her straight to nursery after - ordered food and drinks. I asked for a cappuccino with soya milk as I have a dairy intolerance.

I am convinced that the lady used normal milk as within 30min I needed the loo badly (sorry tmi I know) 😳😳😳 so had to stop by the house to use the bathroom. This kind of scenario has happened a few times before when eating out and it gets my goat in a big way

We were 30min late for nursery and as we walked in one of the ladies asked DD if she was OK as she was in late, to which DD casually replied we're only ever late when mummy has to go home for a poo 😱😱😱😳😳😳

I was absolutely mortified - I wanted the ground to swallow me up and I did the decent thing and asked a friend to pick her up this afternoon so I don't have to face them!

So in light of this thought I would ask how any of your little darlings have outed you and how you dealt with it?

Judging by what my primary school teacher friends say, any or all of you have possibly been given your character ten times over in ways that you don't even know. (Their days seem to always include smiling brightly and saying 'Thank you, Mary/Susan/Anna/Whoever. NEXT?)

A friends daughter once told the nursery staff
"I saw daddy kissing mummy's foof this morning!"

Oh.... A few weeks ago we were in our local shop and they had Brothers Toffee Apple Cider. DSs 11 and 7 quite like the taste and they like to have a swig out of my bottle when I have one. So I picked up the bottle in the shop and pointed to it to show the DSs.

DS1 (11) then piped up "ohhh I'm addicted to that stuff!" In a shop full of people!!

He made me feel like I'd made him an alcoholic by age 11!!!! He only ever has the odd swig, and that's only occasionally as I hardly ever drink and DH is teetotal!

Ds1's 3rd birthday party 🎉.

Loads of people round including the vicars kids and he is unwrapping his presents.

Someone gave him a sheriffs set with toy gun, badge, hat and handcuffs.

"OH WOW!!!!" he squeals " LOOK! MY OWN HANDCUFFS! " We all beam indulgently...

"MUM AND DAD HAVE HANDCUFFS IN THEIR BEDROOM BUT THEY WON'T LET ME PLAY WITH THEM AND NOW I HAVE MY OWN!!!!!"

The tumbleweed rolled across the carpet...

I had been having a problem with DD (nearly 5 at the time) running away when I picked her up from daycare and shouting things like 'mummy is poo!' in the local language, so I explained to her that she can't say rude things like 'mummy is poo' or 'shit' as she had sometimes said (picked up from the neighbour children) and she smiled and nodded and piped up "I can't say cunt either, can I?" (THAT one I found out she picked up from her best friend at daycare. Admittedly its not as bad in the local language as it is in English but still definitely not appropriate for a 4 year old to say!)

The same DS, when about 5 or 6, we were walking through town, just crossing the road when a man with dwarfism started walking towards us. DS was quite clearly inquisitive, and I was about to explain to him (so that he didn't keep staring at the man) that yes, he was shorter than most men and explain why, when DS beat me to it and shouted out loudly "mum look at that little man" whilst pointing at him. We were in the middle of town. My mum was mortified!

When DS was about 3, we were at a summer fair, I bought him a cupcake. As he bit into in an elderly woman said 'I baked that, I hope he likes it' I replied 'oh, yes it looks lovely'. You know what he said. 'No its not!' said DS still happily eating it. She looked a bit upset. I hurried him away.

A few days after half term, the lovely TA in my DD's class said with a grin "I know what you did over half term". Apparently DD had informed the whole class that she had loved the hot tub at our holiday lodge, but it wasn't fair because after she went to bed mummy and daddy got in there with no clothes on and drank wine.

Clearly she wasn't as fast asleep as we thought.

When DS four DH and I were having a leisurely morning. He had just got in the shower, I was drinking my morning cuppa in bed when I heard a bang, followed by an almighty scream from DS's room on the floor below. I jumped out of bed and charged down to his room, closely followed by sopping wet DH.

Basically DS had been messing around on his bed, slipped and fallen against the window sill. His nose was clearly broken so I got DH to clean him up while I quickly got dressed and took him to A&E.

All the usual stuff and of course the doctor asks DS to tell him how he got hurt. DS happily told him everything including "and then Mummy ran in with no clothes on and I saw her boobies" 😳

By the following morning he had two lovely back eyes and after Mass our priest asked him what had happened and he got the "boobies" story too.... 🙀🙀🙀

When my DS was about 4. We had arrived at a busy open castle day at the same time as a young man on a flashy motorbike with matching leather jacket, trousers and helmet, all colour co-ordinated. He got off. Locked up and glanced around to assess his admirers ( I think it was a new bike). My son gets very excited and keeps shouting ' look mum, it's Action man, it is, it's Action man'. The poor mans face was a picture. And he was just behind us in the queue, everyone knew by then, he WAS Action man.

We live rurally and so our playgroup was about a three mile walk. This meant that the kids got knackered, so I'd always have the double buggy ready for the way home. However, dd had a narrow window of opportunity. Too soon, she'd not get in. Ask too late and she'd be beyond the pale and refuse with tantrums. I can't tell you the amount of times well meaning ladies have stopped their cars, and pedestrians have halted to hear dd shouting "HELP ME!" and doing that banana body shape, while holding her arms out entertainingly to a complete stranger/ car/ bush.

Ds just last week charmingly announced to a friend, as we arrived to a barbecue, "X isn't singing is she? It goes on for ages." X in question is a stage school 8 year old and son had only voiced what was in my head. I tried to look as mortified as possible.

Summertime when DS2 was about 4 and it was really hot. Bathroom window open and next door neighbour's were in the garden having a quiet relax. It was REALLY quiet out there.

DS asked quite loudly if I was having a wee or a poo. So I quietly replied that I was having a poo and shhh, be quiet! And then he wanted to know even louder if I was having a big poo or a little poo? So I started shushing him again. And then, he got annoyed with me and shouted "BUT ARE YOU HAVING A BIG POO MUMMY?"

Yes, ffs, I was having a big poo, and thankfully all the neighbour's knew!

Not my child but something I read a long time ago on here and still makes me giggle.

A teacher had asked the mother of a young boy for a word. It appeared that on entering the classroom, the young boy had slapped the teachers arse and said good morning sexy - just like his dad did to his mom most mornings

We live in a predominantly white area. DS had just turned three when he began to realise some people had different colour skin...except for he didn't realise it was their skin but thought it was because they were covered in chocolate ice cream! We'd be walking down the high street and he'd suddenly shout "man! Man! You need baby wipes. You all messy with ice cream". I like to tell myself the people concerned didn't know what DS was saying/who he was talking to. It was the first time I'd been grateful for his dire pronunciation!

DS was three and obsessed with signs for everything.
In Legoland he asked constantly what the signs meant. There were a lot of No Smoking signs and then we came across the hoarding with a Smoking sign on the front, people could nip around the back for a ciggie. Anyone who's been will have seen that there's big trees behind the hoarding where the smokers are "hidden".
"Look, mummy, that's a no smoking sign with no line through it!"
"Yes, darling, that means you can smoke behind that section."

Three days later on the flight home, DS was again asking me what all the signs meant on the safety information card on the plane. We came to the No Smoking one and he said: "Oh, look, that one means No Smoking."
Right at that moment the cabin crew came around with drinks and DS shouts at the top of his voice on a very quiet flight packed with business travellers: "BUT YOU CAN SMOKE IN THE BUSHES IN LEGOLAND. ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE WINE NOW, MUMMY?"

I don't smoke. There was a lot of sniggering around us.

My embarrassment began with DDs first word at 9 months: dog.

Aged 1 in the local shopping centre she pointed at a group of rather scantily clad women complete with scraped back hair and orange make up trowelled on and yelled rather loudly "LOOK MAMA! DOGS!"
I have no idea why she said this, there must have been a dog nearby but DH only made my red face worse but hissing in my ear "well, she ain't wrong!"

DD aged 18m in a restaurant;
"Mama where breakfast? Breakfast now? Now, mama?"
"I'm not cooking it, DD, so I can't make it come faster!"
"OI, LADY? WHERES ME BREAKFAST?!"

Aged 3;
On the motorway with MIL-
"Look gamma! The yellow M! That's where all our food comes from!"

DD aged 3.5y;
"Daddy, you're a useless fucker."
DH thinking she must have said something else asked her to explain why she thought that
"Because you can't even get my seatbelt on properly. You're a useless fucker"
He closed the car door softly and gave me an evil glare to which I retorted "well, it's contextually correct at least!" (I had never called him that!)

Aged 4;
I was cut up on a roundabout, and let out a curse without thinking.
"Mum, why did you call that man a fuck?"
"I didn't, I called him..... A duck!... Yes, a duck"
"But why would you call him a duck? That doesn't make sense"
"Because his driving is QUACKERS AHAHAHAHA!"
"..... No. You called him a fuck." Very matter of fact with a completely unimpressed look on her face. Didn't stop her from telling everyone about it for about 6 months after.

Shes 5 now and it's relentless. It's even worse now I work part time at her school. Yesterday she informed all of her teachers that I wasn't at work because I was too busy shopping for biscuits with my friends. I actually had the d&v virus! Thank God they all know what she's like. She's naturally very funny so gets away with it though.
She outed DH at the weekend for eating all the pretzels
DH "My god, we have a tiny nark! Naaaark!"
DD "who's there?"

Just remembered when Dd was 2 a mum at school saw us out and about and said to Dd 'is your big brother at school?' To which Dd replied 'no mummy's locked him up under the stairs for being naughty'.

I was and cursed letting ds have Harry Potter on when Dd was playing in the room! Luckily the mum had actually seen me dropping ds off that day!

Also at a family wedding in a church - Dd was 6 days old, ds was 3 and I felt like utter shit. Was trying to keep ds quiet then Dd was sick and then just as I got her cleaned up ds stood up and said in the loudest voice I've ever heard him use 'when I Jesus coming out mummy? I thought he'd be here by now'

When my DS was around 3 we were in a supermarket and I showed him a dvd I was going to buy for him- few minutes later he popped it into my bag. I immediately noticed and said no we need to pay for it first, people will think we are stealing. DS then proceeded to scream "No mummy, I just don't want to steal it!" at the top of his lungs. Never left a shop faster in my life..

At a large extended family gathering, my extroverted cousin was holding court. DD1 (3) was keen to get his attention, so decided to ask him, "X, why do you have such a big tummy?" I was mortified. Luckily, my cousin is a secondary school teacher so is used to being verbally abused and told her, "because I like eating food." DD1 persisted despite my efforts to shush her, saying "you are round like a circle cheese," my cousin told her, "it's taken a lot of effort to get a big tummy like mine but if you eat a lot of circle cheeses you too could look like me." DD1 was clearly in awe!

For a variety of circumstantial reasons, I'd recently given my girls (aged 3 and 5 then) the advice that if anyone ever tried to touch their 'special private places' they should shout as loud as they possibly could 'Get off! that's my special private place!' And run. We even did loud practices to make sure they knew how loud was loud enough. We were on a packed train back from a day out and we suspected my youngest of a poo accident (very common then) and, suspecting intervention, she made a bid for freedom down the aisle. Hubby darted after her to check her pants and she ran off shouting at the top of her lungs 'GET OFF! THAT'S MY SPECIAL PRIVATE PLACE!!!!'. The train was in tucks, after hubby had established that he was in fact her father... I was more proud that the safeguarding message had got through!

Not an outing as such (unless the yelling was audible outside the car), but I made the mistake of telling DH when I got in the car this evening that I was sorry he and DD (4yo) had been waiting a while but I was bleeding heavily and had to stop by the loo. Next thing I know DD is yelling "arghh its coming down your leg...oh no...theres more...and more...its flooding the car floor...its at my trainers ARGH they are turning red...its coming up my legs..oh oh...its in daddy's hair! Its filled up the whole car....WE ARE ALL GOING TO DROWN OPEN THE WINDOWS....Noooooo!!! its washing out the windows...and covering the trees...the leaves are red...the WHOLE WORLD IS DROWNING....no..oh nooooo....the stars! THE STARS ARE RED....the whole of space is full of BLOOOOOOOD."

She then spent the whole rest of the journey home making fwoosh noises and saying 'there goes some more'.

I didn't really know whether to laugh or cry tbh. I was kinda impressed with her imagination though...

When ds was born we lived in Madrid. He was keen to talk early & was relentless in his attempts. At 18 months he was very keen on pointing out pushchairs, with pointing finger and accusatory tone. Unfortunately he couldn't quite pronounce "pushchair" and shouted out PUTA! every time he saw one. Puta is Spanish for prostitute. This earned us some faces from women innocently pushing prams in central Madrid for some months

When I was pregnant with DS3, DS2 (nearly 2, and an early and crystal-clear speaker) would announce to everyone we came in contact with "Mummy's got a baby in her tummy and it's going to come out her 'pachina'"!

I used to take every opportunity to educate DS1 about things like smoking until one day when he was 5 or 6 we were standing near a very large, shave-headed, tattooed man who was smoking and DS1 said loudly "Look Mummy, that man's smoking, he's stupid and he's going to die" (not precisely what I'd told him, but clearly his interpretation!). Decided to save the health messages until he was old enough to understand the nuances of social interaction after that!

A long time ago I worked in a nursery in a summer school. We had a really cute wee boy. One day he came over and told me he wanted to give me a kiss, only as he did I felt his tongue between my lips
He gave me a huge grin and told me it was a special kiss like his daddy gives his mummy

My old flat mate took is daughter, probably aged 3 or 4 swimming. After they were changing and she said really loudly from their cubicle "daddy, is that your little slug that lives inside your pocket?".