My DD4 has just outed me - What have your DC said or done that made you want a black hole to swallow you up?

[SweetAngels]

Was shopping with my DD4 this morning, decided to stop by a cafe for lunch and drop her straight to nursery after - ordered food and drinks. I asked for a cappuccino with soya milk as I have a dairy intolerance.

I am convinced that the lady used normal milk as within 30min I needed the loo badly (sorry tmi I know) 😳😳😳 so had to stop by the house to use the bathroom. This kind of scenario has happened a few times before when eating out and it gets my goat in a big way

We were 30min late for nursery and as we walked in one of the ladies asked DD if she was OK as she was in late, to which DD casually replied we're only ever late when mummy has to go home for a poo 😱😱😱😳😳😳

I was absolutely mortified - I wanted the ground to swallow me up and I did the decent thing and asked a friend to pick her up this afternoon so I don't have to face them!

So in light of this thought I would ask how any of your little darlings have outed you and how you dealt with it?

My best friend's daughter will be 3 next week and a few months ago she went through an 'I love [random item]' phase. Friend's mother has delusions of grandeur is very well to do and is really into all the latest healthy fads superfoods.

Friend was staying with her over Christmas and trying to uphold the image that her daughter lived on quinoa and kale, when her DD dobbed her in by saying 'I love Greggs!'

These are brilliant!!

trevor OMG!!

:o

As some of you may recall, my very imaginative 7 year old DD told a camp counselor last summer that "Mummy got very angry this morning and broke my little brother's arm". The camp counselor immediately reported it to child services who contact me at work and then my son's daycare. It was all resolved without incident.

A social worker followed up that evening and came to our house to talk to all of us and, I think, to see for himself that DS was fine. He was lovely and hammered home to DD that what she had done was very serious. When he was asking her questions, one of them was:

SW: Do your mummy or daddy ever spank you?

DD: No, never. But I have seen daddy spank mummy before.

Trevor that's a story and a half! Interesting interpretation!

Omg these are wonderful! (In a terrible way, of course!)

I had one today, I'm recovering from a tummy bug, and while playing with ds in the garden had to run to the loo quite urgently. From the bathroom upstairs, I hear him shouting in the front garden "No mama! Don't go do a poo without me!"

My elderly neighbours, who were enjoying some time in the sun, have carefully avoided eye contact all day.

DD age 5 came on the train with us shopping for the day. I went up the counter to buy my ticket and said 2 adult tickets, one child and one is under 5, gesturing to DD. DD pipes up 'I am 5 now mummy, I had my birthday, I had a party, you know I am 5 mummy' on and on and on until I wanted the ground to just swallow me up. The ticket sales guy just smiled and gave her the free ticket just for my cheek 😱

When ds was about 2, his language was very advanced, but his pronunciation was...not.

He would cheerfully tell shop assistants "Mummy an' Daddy are going nome ta fuck"

(translation "Mummy and Daddy are going home to our flat")

DD2 grassed me up for something I didn't even do!

When she was about 3, she told DH that "Mummy has a friend called Max who comes round when Daddy is at work and Mummy and Max cuddle on the sofa".

I have never even met anyone called Max and I certainly wasn't having extra marital cuddles on the sofa with anybody!

It's become a running joke now, when DH asks what I've done today I say "oh, you know, Max came round.....".

In church with DD aged 3. She's trying to run up and down the pew on the kneeler step so I went to grab her. I accidentally knocked her off the step and very loudly she said "Don't push me mummy it's naughty"

I have no idea what my son (aged 5) has been saying at school, but one day a teacher said "Oh yes, your son tells me EVERYTHING" with a slight smirk. I have no idea what 'everything' is. My son has a habit of fabricating stories too, so it really really could be anything.

Oh several of these over the years. Mainly involving our daughter saying "no you didn't" loudly when I told a little white lie.

Other favourites,;

Aged 3, sitting on my knee at a restaurant she was pulling at my top and I asked her not to because she was flashing my boobs at everyone and nobody wanted to see my boobs. " Daddy does" she said loudly. The waitress at the table was laughing and didn't know where to look.

Then there was the time we said she was three because under fours got in free "but mummy, I've been four for aaaaages"

And announcing to my (driving instructor) dad. Mummy drives much faster than daddy, she even got a pink ticket from the nice policeman.

Oh and when the HV came around to see DS, he must have been about 3. She asked him about his food, what he liked to eat. Chips he said, we only ever have chips, every night.....omg

My DC (aged 11 and 14!!) were going on and on and on as we walked through the airport security and baggage area about why oh why oh why did I need to go to the toilet when I'd just been on the plane (as the seatbelt sign had come on and I'd emerged to find a queue waiting anyway). It was a very public area, people in very close quarters and I had repeatedly said things like "no cause for concern, I just need to nip in again for a minute" and "it's private, I'll explain later" but they went on and on (and on). Eventually I just snapped and snarled "because my period has started unexpectedly and I need to go and put a TAMPON in my VAGINA if that's ok with you?!!!"

That shut them up. Possibly it could be argued that I outed myself?!

I took teenage DD ,a new friend from secondary school, and DS aged about 7 swimming.As we wait in the queue he says to me 'So mummy,what will you do swimming? Cos you don't have boobs do you,will you take your boobs off?'
I have had a double mastectomy,have prostheses,fine with that,fine with discussing it...mostly! Not so much in a queue in front of a strange teenager!

These are fabulous!!!

DD1 when she was 2 used to call an airplane 'bollock', no idea why. Made for some lovely summer afternoons. We lived next to a cafe with tables in their garden, over the fence from our garden. Every time she looked up and saw one: 'Mama, look, bollock!' Yes, dear...

This was a friend's child but it is the funniest thing I've ever heard!

Mum and DS are going to the dentist and it is in a large grand house. On the walk up the drive the little boy says
"Mummy - this house looks like a face."
"What do you mean son?"
"Well those windows are eyes and that is the nose and the door is the mouth."

The mum agrees and thinks nothing of it until the boy walks into the house, up to the receptionist and says
"I've just come in your mouth!"

Mine have embarrassed me so many times that I am now immune

One of the school mums (we'd been in ante-natal classes together so knew each other for a while) came up to tell me that my DS had told her that he'd seen me in the bath wearing a wig on my front bottom.

As I was getting out of the car about to drop DD to pre-school, I got cramp in my leg, I said "ouch" and she asked what was wrong so I explained.
We walked into nursery where she loudly exclaimed '"My Mummy has crap on her leg". I tried to explain but people everyone just moved away.

DD1 was like an Oracle. I think nursery heard every detail of every day of our lives, likewise I heard everything that went on at nursery.
My brother however took embarrassing parents to a whole new level apparently when the policeman visited his reception class & when asked what policemen do he piped up with beat up miners. (during the miners strike) my mum still talks about how mortified she was - but I reckon she was secretly quite pleased!

Ah yes Jess I also had a man that came to fix the light in our bedroom & DS had to stay downstairs while mummy was upstairs with him for a looooooong time, DH was like didn't know we had anything wrong with the light No-one had been near the house.

My DD has AS so I've had 20 years of these shenanigans. Just last week my mum rang which is always an endurance test. I told DD to tell her I was out as I couldn't face an hour long list of her latest ailments. Then I hear DD on the phone "Mum said she's not in". I know, I know, I should have seen it coming from a mile away but she's 22 now.

I think the worst was when she was about 16 and the dad of her friend asked her if she thought DH and I would like to go round to theirs one evening. DD said she doubted it as mum has said she thinks you're a bit of a twat.