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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that DH - a teacher - could take a day off work?

460 replies

BackAche21 · 28/04/2016 12:46

I have been a SAHM for 2 yrs after redundancy and now I have got myself a job interview, which happens to fall on the day that DS (4) has an allergy challenge in hospital. DH says he can't take the day off teaching as his Y12s are close to AS exams, and he is head of department so it looks bad, plus notoriously stingy Headteacher may not give permission. But aside from permission (there were sickies in my day) he doesn't even want to ask. I don't know what solution he thinks is possible.

I am already asking the hospital if they can change the date - but we've already changed it once owing to DS being unwell - and they might not let us change it again. It won't be an option to ask potential employer to change the date as they have a whole load of obstacles lined up for candidates on the day, involving meeting other people too.

IMHO it puts me in an impossible situation as I don't think anyone other than a parent can really do the hospital gig, and our family needs me to get a job. before redundancy all sick children etc fell to me to take time off work, and I feel like he's just staking this ground again - his teaching time is untouchable. Makes me mad, but AIBU?

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 28/04/2016 22:18

You married a teacher you must know school always comes first.

How ridiculous.

I also married s teacher and I'm 100% confident that me and our DS "come first"

gandalf456 · 28/04/2016 22:18

S,ok minimoverSmile

monkeysox · 28/04/2016 22:19

Maybe derailing a bit but if there is an allergy (rather than intolerance) why isn't child having blood tests. If actually allergic surely eating it could be pretty dangerous?

Hobbitfeet32 · 28/04/2016 22:19

If it was a snowing there'd be no problem with teachers taking a day off! Teaching is no different to any other job except they have twice as many holidays as everyone else. I'd try to reschedule the hospital appt-highly unlikely they would discharge you given these circumstances for cancelling a second time.

CalleighDoodle · 28/04/2016 22:19

Reschedule the allergy appointment. It is undeasonable to ask for non-emergency time off thisnclose to exams. If those students fo not achieve their target grades then it is your husband's job on the line. Will your potential job cover his wages so this is a risk you're willing to take?

Dollymixtureyumyum · 28/04/2016 22:20

Teaching comes first Hmm
er my DH was a teacher and both my parents are teachers and I can def say they put their family first. I could never respect a man who put his job before his family.

noblegiraffe · 28/04/2016 22:20

Those saying that Y12 can get on with independent work are clearly teaching different y12s to me who would see a free period and bog off to McDonalds.
I'm frustrated at missing a lesson with them on Monday due to the Bank Holiday so yeah, I would be reluctant to take a day off for a rearrangeable appointment.
Every lesson counts at this time of the year and my pay rise will depend on the performance of my Y12s who aren't putting in the hours out of school so need me kicking their arses every minute I've got them in my room.

I'd ask for a day off if I had to but I'd be really pissed off about it.

Writerwannabe83 · 28/04/2016 22:21

I doubt her husband will get fired because he was away for one day which is considered to be directly responsible for wide spread poor exam results Grin

FuriousFate · 28/04/2016 22:25

New - in which case it sounds like you're better off out of there. The school must have been pretty badly run if missing one lesson pre exam would lead to such crazy rates of failure.

And whoever said that school always comes first. Yeah - right. It's a job. A job, not life and death. You must have very skewed priorities if you'd put your job before your family.

Kayakinggirl86 · 28/04/2016 22:29

writerwannabe maybe not fired, but a stunt like that in most schools would stop you getting the chance to teach A-level classes next year (or maybe even exam classes).

cannotlogin · 28/04/2016 22:33

skewed priorities

Laughed at that. My priority is keeping a roof over our heads and food on the table. So, yeah, my job is also a priority by default. I can't imagine you would want your children taught by someone who didn't give a toss....but hey ho, if we work hard our priorities are wrong and if we don't work hard our priorities are wrong Confused

NewLife4Me · 28/04/2016 22:40

noble

Thank you so much for caring and I get exactly where you are coming from.
Also huge respect, I don't know how you do it. Thanks

OP, I hope your husband does step up when you start work, there would be no excuse at other times of the school year and unfortunate for your family that this has happened now.
Only you know what type of school he works in, I'm sure you know the ethos and environment and whether he would have back up, be frowned upon, and be disrespected by colleagues and his department.
Some schools could manage others would be in the doo doo.

Rainuntilseptember · 28/04/2016 22:49

Dual teacher family here. This thread is insane. If I get an appointment for the dcs I phone to see if it can be moved to a day I don't work. Often a clinic only runs on one day a week though. Day and I then have a short argument about whose turn it is and who has a school trip or whatever that day. The one with the short straw goes to work and lets their boss know about the appointment, with apologies and lots of work left etc.
And that's it. If my dc need to see a hospital doctor they will already have been on a waiting list. Are they then to wait up to 9 weeks (till the next school holidays) more on top, hoping the consultant in question won't be a parent off on their own holidays that week!
Some posters simultaneously have an overly-enhanced view (the students will have their lives changed from one missed lesson) to one were we're just robots here to serve (the school comes first).
I saw this post: He's a head of dept too so pressure will be on to set an example and I quite agree - he should set the example of showing you can teach and maintain a work life balance; teach and be a good parent.

Noodledoodledoo · 28/04/2016 23:20

Sadly some of the pressure comes from the parents as well. I had an emergency op earlier in the year - two parents complained I was off sick - first week I was unable to drive so even if I was up for working I couldn't get there.

I had one day last week due to excruciating sinusitis (I had had it building up for 2 weeks prior to my one day) another complaint from a parent.

At the time of the op I was 15 weeks pregnant, am now 28 weeks and tried to treat the sinusitis with anything I was able to take, but it just wouldn't shift.

School have pretty much ignored the complaints as I rarely have sick days just having a bad run but I cried and deliberated for 30 minutes before calling in sick last week as I felt I was letting the kids down.

Writerwannabe83 · 28/04/2016 23:37

maybe not fired, but a stunt like that in most schools would stop you getting the chance to teach A-level classes next year (or maybe even exam classes).

Asking for a day off to take your child to a hospital appointment is a "stunt"?

bakeoffcake · 28/04/2016 23:57

I wouldn't ask him to take time off work at such an important time of year.

Teachers get 12 weeks off a year, that's almost 1 in 4 and a bit weeks off. So I would expect him to rearrange your son's appt to a holiday time, when he will be free.

Rainuntilseptember · 29/04/2016 00:19

So really, my dd (for example) shouldn't get speech therapy until the summer, and the older child should not have his hearing test - never mind what they're missing out on, as long as no lesson is ever disrupted? That is just so unrealistic. No one is indispensable.

Rainuntilseptember · 29/04/2016 00:21

If indeed it was "1 in 4" that might be manageable, but it's not as if every month a holiday comes along. Are people being bitter because it's May Day this weekend? You won't get a hospital appointment on public holidays either except for emergencies!

defineme · 29/04/2016 00:21

DH is a head of faculty (core subject) in an academy and has time off twice in the last year to attend meetings that concerned our ds1 (disabled). He's a long serving, committed teacher with excellent results, he also has a head who's a human being. I always find it odd when it's suggested an exam class will fail because they miss one lesson (which they could be doing a test in anyway)..so the last year counts for nothing. I think, in this scenario,the most flexible thing is the teacher's day.
However, I do know of schools, generally failing ones, where even funeral requests are routinely denied and I was particularly shocked a few years ago when an ex colleague wasn't allowed to watch her ds carry the Olympic torch!

Bogeyface · 29/04/2016 00:39

So I would expect him to rearrange your son's appt to a holiday time, when he will be free.

Well of course! Because the NHS will cheerfully rejig their entire waiting list to take account of teachers free time, or people working office hours and who can only attend at the weekend, or people who work nights and need their sleep so can only attend at 4am.... And all of this ignoring the medical needs of the child involved because it doesnt suit his teacher fathers schedule.......FFS

Cocacolaandchocolate · 29/04/2016 00:53

My oh is a teacher, and a head of department. We have always been lucky that if I needed him home for medical appointment then he would be but its only if no other option.

Op, why can you not explain to your new potential employers that you really wish to be interviewed but this appointment was already booked.
They may offer another interview time or one much later in the day/ opposite the hospital appointment so you can do both.

Rainuntilseptember · 29/04/2016 08:32

Cocacola, because the first thing that will endear you to a potential employer is rearranging the interview because of childcare problems. You can almost hear them shouting "NEXXT!"

Cocacolaandchocolate · 29/04/2016 09:00

Sorry I don't agree. Working parents have equal opportunity to jobs and the right to explain that the interview isn't convient due to childcare and request another date/time. (I do work in the family and charity sector though so have always seen potential employees families being put first)

Writerwannabe83 · 29/04/2016 09:09

*(I do work in the family and charity sector though so have always seen potential "employees families being put first".

It's a shame OP's DH and his employers don't share the same values....

whois · 29/04/2016 09:13

Cocacola, because the first thing that will endear you to a potential employer is rearranging the interview because of childcare problems. You can almost hear them shouting "NEXXT!"

Agreed. It would look really bad.