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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that DH - a teacher - could take a day off work?

460 replies

BackAche21 · 28/04/2016 12:46

I have been a SAHM for 2 yrs after redundancy and now I have got myself a job interview, which happens to fall on the day that DS (4) has an allergy challenge in hospital. DH says he can't take the day off teaching as his Y12s are close to AS exams, and he is head of department so it looks bad, plus notoriously stingy Headteacher may not give permission. But aside from permission (there were sickies in my day) he doesn't even want to ask. I don't know what solution he thinks is possible.

I am already asking the hospital if they can change the date - but we've already changed it once owing to DS being unwell - and they might not let us change it again. It won't be an option to ask potential employer to change the date as they have a whole load of obstacles lined up for candidates on the day, involving meeting other people too.

IMHO it puts me in an impossible situation as I don't think anyone other than a parent can really do the hospital gig, and our family needs me to get a job. before redundancy all sick children etc fell to me to take time off work, and I feel like he's just staking this ground again - his teaching time is untouchable. Makes me mad, but AIBU?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 28/04/2016 20:03

Quite frankly the OP lost me at there were sickies in my day

Does she want her husband to risk being sacked for gross misconduct?

WaxyBean · 28/04/2016 20:07

Our hospital has always been happy to rearrange allergy challenge tests - especially with notice, there is always a waiting list they can fill them with.

GreenMarkerPen · 28/04/2016 20:17

he had become too used to having a 'housewife' doing all the wifework...

user789653241 · 28/04/2016 20:20

My ds had several allergy challenge at the hospital. It's not to test possible allergy or anything, it's done after the test has been negative to see if it's actually safe for child to eat. They give small amount of food and monitor the reaction.
So, it's not like life or death matter. And we had to change appointment with hospital several times, but they are fine with it. Because of the nature of the test, it took at least half a day at the hospital in my ds's case.
I think I would try to rearrange the hospital appointment since it's not urgent.

LuluJakey1 · 28/04/2016 20:23

YABU Y12 students this close to exams - would be unreasonable for him to leave them.

gandalf456 · 28/04/2016 20:28

Right, OK, obviously it's difficult so the hospital is your first port of call to see if they can rearrange. They might be accommodating, considering the circumstances are exceptional.

If they are not, then the onus falls on your DH. Someone will either have to cover the class or the children will have to do independent learning for one lesson. I can see why he feels responsibility for them given the circumstances but I do think his own child takes priority.

Finally, the very last thing would be to ask OP to reschedule the interview and, from what I have seen, this rarely goes down well. If I were to be expected to do that in the first instance, I would not be looking for another job any time soon and would be cancelling going back to work.

On a personal note, this thread is the very reason why I do a crappy job that fits in around the kids. My husband is difficult about days off too and it would just not work if I went f/t in an important role. I would find it too stressful.

Finally, if this were a mother working as Head of Dept in a school in the same situation, what would she do and what would the man do? Would your DH cancel a much hoped for job interview for the sake of one day off??

As for sickies, well, yes, in this situation, I might be tempted. I would feel bad but not as bad as I would if an appointment my son desperately needed would be set back a few months and he risked becoming ill in the meantime and not as bad as I would if my DH didn't get the job he really wanted because he couldn't attend the interview and the people looked on him badly for trying to rearrange.

Jojay · 28/04/2016 20:36

I work in a school and I have allergy kids so I get it.

I'd reschedule the appt. It's not an emergency. I wouldn't take a day off for it.

cansu · 28/04/2016 20:42

He is being very unreasonable. He is used to you being the person who picks up all childcare related issues and therefore he does not want to step up now. He should be taking your ds to his appointment. If you do get a job he will have to start sharing the responsibilities of looking after his children. He may as well start now. I am also a teacher. I sometimes take time off when my kids are sick or have appointments. No one will die or fail their exam because he takes a day off. His year 12 can get on with some work independently. He is bullshitting you.

MiniMover · 28/04/2016 20:53

gandalf, that's one of the many reasons I wanted to go back. I was sick of dh's career being allowed to flourish, often, I know for a fact, at the expense of other equally capable 'mothers'. Simply because he had a wife at home. He was massively difficult about it and still is. But I've also insisted on 50/50 for all the 'thinking' stuff like booking the dentist and checking if shoes still fit. Ds1 is 13, Ds2 is 11, ds3 is 4.5 and DD is 2. Too much for me to juggle all their stuff as well as working. I'd be lying if I said it hadn't strained my marriage though.

Anonforagoodreason · 28/04/2016 21:04

I've had to take my daughter for several allergy challenges. They are long and tedious, and do require otherwise perfect health before they'll start them. OP - if your first app was cancelled because your son was ill they can't penalise you for rearranging this time as a second time iyswim surely? My experience is that they have the registrar assess your child on arrival (usually about an hour after you've been told to arrive...) and if they think the child is under par they send them home. Usually with a rearranged appointment there and then. Unless you've taken the piss in constantly rearranging appointments they are very used to no shows on the day because of colds etc, and they're used to rearranging. The trials are long with short bursts of staffing needed, they give a minute sample, then take obs, then come back after 15 mins, then an hour. If no reactions they give a bigger sample and repeat. They usually do 3-4 at the same time in the same ward. I am sure that they'd rearrange without penalty, given the circs. Have you got the ward number? I would ring them, rather than the appointment line, as the nurses are usually a bit more flexible.

In terms of your OH's intransigence, I wouldn't make him ask in this situation, but I'd certainly have a conversation about agreeing an equal share of the parenting responsibilities when you're back at work.

echt · 28/04/2016 21:41

Never heard anything so ridiculous as the claim about dropping grades because of one day's absence.

What if the teacher caught 'flu? They'd be out for week and then what?

The issue of this family's priorities about who gets to do what is an entirely separate matter.

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/04/2016 21:47

haggisaggis
"I assume he has only 1 or 2 year 12 classes that day?"

It is entirely possible that he is teaching yr 12s all day,

PenguinsAreAce · 28/04/2016 21:49

I would ask the hospital to rearrange. Ring up, ask very very politely, and explain exactly why. If necessary get a little tearful. People are generally quite helpful.

Are teachers not entitled to apply for unpaid parental leave? (Genuine question -and yes, I know it can be postponed for business reasons)

gandalf456 · 28/04/2016 21:56

Very interesting, Minimover...And I think you make a really good point that's set me thinking....

MooPointCowsOpinion · 28/04/2016 22:03

I'm a teacher with year 12 groups and I'd feel awful if I missed their lessons. I missed a day this week, not one of theirs though, and still felt terrible. A parent called up to complain I was off (one day this term...)

It's pressure from all sides this time of year, he's probably so up to the neck in shit it's all he can think about.

NewLife4Me · 28/04/2016 22:05

Mini that is a very good point.

I think that most people on here who are saying the dh is right are looking at it purely from a teacher at this time of year perspective, which is what I was doing.

Also the OP isn't working yet and as a sahm does have this responsibility atm.
Obviously nobody thinks that shared responsibility of 50/50 isn't right, not one person has said this.

As soon as OP starts work it has to be completely equal with back up for both sides during times when time off is not acceptable.
The OP may have a job with times like this too and her dh will have to take the time off.

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/04/2016 22:05

PenguinsAreAce

"Are teachers not entitled to apply for unpaid parental leave?"

This is what the OP's DH would be asking for. Paid leave is by discretion of the head.

Earlgreywithmilk · 28/04/2016 22:07

I understand your frustration op, my dp is not a teacher but he runs his own business and never takes times off. I don't even bother asking any more.

I must say though that your dh's pupils are very lucky to have such a dedicated teacher.

Kayakinggirl86 · 28/04/2016 22:09

Will admit to reading all the tred, but as a head of department thought I would comment.
You are being totally un reasonable, there is no way your DH should have to abandon his exam class for an appointment,when you can re-arrange it for another time. And if you can't get it re-arranged then there must be a family friend/grand parent who can take him. You married a teacher you must know school always comes first.

NewLife4Me · 28/04/2016 22:10

echt

Some of my students would have failed if I'd been ill before exams. Sad
It shouldn't be like this but for some teachers and students it is.
I would have been moved out and respect for my HOD would go too.

I had to be there and so did my HOD, it really did make that much difference to the students grades and us keeping our jobs.

MiniMover · 28/04/2016 22:11

Sorry, gandalf, I didn't mean to make you question your own circumstances. I just felt the time was right for me to make a stand.

echt · 28/04/2016 22:13

It's a ridiculous world where someone is irreplaceable.

People lose respect for being ill?

echt · 28/04/2016 22:13

Should also have said no wonder teachers are leaving the job.

GreenMarkerPen · 28/04/2016 22:14

You married a teacher you must know school always comes first.

pffft. no job should come before an important family committment. and with nhs appointments, ever tried to reschedule? it's likely that that would be a loooooong time away.

TiggerPiggerPoohBumWee · 28/04/2016 22:16

If you have students who would fail their exams if you missed a few of their lessons, they are going to fail anyway.
You're not indispensable, and if they can't crack on with cover you've gone wrong somewhere.