AIBU to think that DH - a teacher - could take a day off work?

[BackAche21]

I have been a SAHM for 2 yrs after redundancy and now I have got myself a job interview, which happens to fall on the day that DS (4) has an allergy challenge in hospital. DH says he can't take the day off teaching as his Y12s are close to AS exams, and he is head of department so it looks bad, plus notoriously stingy Headteacher may not give permission. But aside from permission (there were sickies in my day) he doesn't even want to ask. I don't know what solution he thinks is possible.

I am already asking the hospital if they can change the date - but we've already changed it once owing to DS being unwell - and they might not let us change it again. It won't be an option to ask potential employer to change the date as they have a whole load of obstacles lined up for candidates on the day, involving meeting other people too.

IMHO it puts me in an impossible situation as I don't think anyone other than a parent can really do the hospital gig, and our family needs me to get a job. before redundancy all sick children etc fell to me to take time off work, and I feel like he's just staking this ground again - his teaching time is untouchable. Makes me mad, but AIBU?

I agree it would be awful to ask to change an interview date.

Bogey They aren't "rejigging their entire waiting list". They just take your name out and put someone else's in. Quite simple really

Slight aside, but... Minimover, I think you're great! So sorry that making a stand has put a strain on your marriage but hopefully less so than giving up on what's important to you and festering resentment.

Back to the OP. I'd be checking out the possibility of moving the hospital appointment first, but after that I think it'd be down to your DH to take time off. (assuming that the interview is for a job that you have a good stab at getting and that opportunities don't come along all the time). But you're going to need to do some serious talking about who covers illnesses when you are working.

Best of luck in finding a solution

Sorry I don't agree. Working parents have equal opportunity to jobs and the right to explain that the interview isn't convient due to childcare and request another date/time. (I do work in the family and charity sector though so have always seen potential employees families being put first)

You are incredibly naive if you don't think that trying to postpone an interview because of childcare issues wouldn't put potential employers off. Of course people have the "right to explain" that they have childcare problems. An employer has the right to not rearrange an interview though and they don't need to give a reason.

Gosh, the difference betwen stay at home mothers and others! Our nannies and babysitters have often taken the children to appointments. I don't think I took the older chidlren to a single one and nor did their father. Just hire someone to take the child in - problem solved. If you aren't prepatred to do this then may be neither of you are going to find working whilst you have children is right for you.

Rainuntilseptember, allergy challenge isn't an emergency or something I would put a priority. Speech therapy etc is something that need doing sooner than later. But allergy challenge enables you to introduce/reintroduce something you have been avoiding before, but became negative recently. No harm done avoiding cow's milk or whatever for extra month or so. I always arrange my ds's allergy appointment during school holidays so he doesn't miss school. But I don't reschedule his other health issue appointment because it's something need to be done then.

My DH is a teacher and has always refused to even ask to take permission off for such (very rare) occasions. This really, really annoys me. Yes, students need their teachers there but it's really not like they will be without - your DH will arrange cover and set appropriate work. My DH spends time covering colleagues' lessons from time to time so it bugs me that in an emergency or a situation such as the one you describe, he wouldn't even ask.

I should add that this has been my DH's position even when I was working! I always had to get the time off/work from home/catch up in the evening etc.

So no, YANBU. Not at all.

Teacher and single parent here. We don't take time off unless absolutely necessary for obvious reasons but, you parents of yr 12 children, who are saying he should not take a day off, are being a tad selfish. Why on earth are your children's needs so much more important than OP's. Her DP is a parent too. One day with a relief teacher following a prescribed program of work is really not going to make that much difference. Teacher's children are no less important than yours.

The only thing that should not happen here is you missing your interview. First, ask the hospital if you can re-arrange, explain the circumstances. But if it comes to it, I don't see why your DH couldn't ;eave a detailed lesson plan for another teacher for that one day? His child matters just as much as his pupils, and his child's health shoudl place higher than a revision session that anyone could lead.

I see both sides, my partner isn't a teacher, but he puts his work (career) first as it is not flexible and these days it is easier to loose your job so I generally take days off for anything to do with the children as my job has more flexibility. If however I had something important on at work my partner would have to take the day off.

However, the issue here is that you both have equally important commitments on the same day. I would talk to him about how you can resolve it and how similar situations can be handled in the future, as its a partnership. Especially as you will be working soon and you may both have important commitments at work.

Personally if I were in this situation I would call the hospital and explain and see if they can offer another appt.

I am a teacher currently nursing students through the last few lessons before their AS exams.

In your husband's position (were an alternative appointment date not available) I would request the time off to take my son to his hospital appointment, stressing its importance and the fact that in this situation I'd be the only one able to take him. I would set my class a good revision exercise and a timed practice paper, which I would mark and return quickly. I would offer my class a lunch-time or after-school lesson in lieu of the one they had missed due to my absence.

It's hard and not black and white but, all considering, I understand and support his position. He has a very important job - important not just for you as a family but for 30 children he is helping do well and build good futures for themselves. The exams are just around the corner and the UK schools have so much time off anyway that the teaching time is really limited. Right now, every day is really precious for these kids. I think timing is of essence here. Schools have tons of time off, holidays, half terms etc... and I think headteachers are right being strict. As a mum, although mine are small and nowhere near exams, I love seeing teachers who take their job so seriously and care about their pupils so much. I agree with others - teaching is very different from other jobs

Seeing as some people are being so silly on this thread let's discuss. . . . .

Who takes the day off? ? ?

Teacher vs Nurse

Teacher vs Paramedic

Teacher vs Surgeon

Teacher vs Midwife

Teacher vs Social Worker

Teacher vs MP (with deciding vote on a Bill that will change funding to schools)

Teacher vs Ventilator Machine repair Person.

But seriously; yes Teachers are very important people; but honestly if one day off is going to cause AS students to fail their exams, then this country's education system is in even more trouble than I thought.

At the very worst surely they should be old enough to be left to work through past papers or set work or even some self motivated study (like they'll have to do at university???)

OP I agree with an above poster; your DH can't have it both ways if you're both working then days off for childcare issues be they planned or emergency need to be 50/50. Start as you mean to go on

The first option must be to try to change DS's appointment - I've had to do this several times with my DS, the latest cancellation being when he was ill. Hospitals are glad of as much notice as possible and you could ask them to put DS on the list to be contacted in case of cancellations - which means you jump if there is an unexpected appointment (though of course this wont work if you get your job).

In the longer term you need to sort out priorities with DH - if you get a FT job you will have to juggle family responsibilities between you. You could work out when is the best / least bad time for each of you to have to pull out of work and try to work round that. It's understandable that now is not a great time for your DH to take a day off.

Good luck with the interview.

Your DH should set exam papers for yr 12 done to time, which is what they need at this point anyhow. He should then speak to the Head explaining important child hospital appointment/job interview that will make a big difference to family finances. Heads usually are agreeable if they know you have it well in hand. Your DH needs to step up here - this is a rare occurrence.

I'm a lone parent teacher and I request time for hospital appointments and it's invariably given. That's because my Head is not a douche but a family man himself and he appreciates we very reluctantly take time off. My colleagues have continued teaching having a m/c, passing kidney stones, children hospitalised etc.

When married my ex - also a teacher - and I used to take it in turns but we'd also look at who had the most exam classes that day.

If a teacher is absent most classes miss a lesson and it's very possible to set worthwhile work in a day's absence - or even negotiate a teacher swap.

Nurses, paramedics, surgeons etc can all book annual leave, BuunyChops. Teachers have to take leave during the school holidays - there is no flexibility.

With regards to when the OP is in full time work, her DH needs to find out the school policy on taking time off for childcare. In my school all time taken off for childcare (even emergencies) is unpaid.

I ama teacher and member of SLT and teachers are entitled to sick days for children so the Head doesn't have grounds to refuse; also teaching content should all be covered in run up to AS exams so a cover lesson with good revision resources would not disadvantage pupils- that's prob what they'll be doing with him anyway!

Depends on the head teacher really. My DH and I are both deputy heads. My head is excellent at allowing family time when absolutely necessary. His head head is fine too but had a nightmare head who once offered to phone the doctors to rearrange an appointment his colleague had while pregnant.

IMHO your DH is being previous about the year 12s. One lesson isn't going to affect the course of their learning and if he feels that bad he can offer to do an additional after school session on another day. If they're not on track now one lesson isn't going to save them.

I know us women often shoulder the majority of childcare burden etc (and in my case I want to) but your DH needs to step up!

Precious* not previous

I'm in similar position where my kids have managed to get 4 appointments in one morning for 3 of the kids, 3 are just clinic appointments and in the Same place so its fine, but the other one is an appointment he has already waited 15 MONTHS for and only come about after complaints and involved GP and MP, so it can't be missed. Hubbys work, British Gas, are very inflexible for last minute, it is all last minute with these appointments so somehow I have to figure it out, I am lucky my parents may be able to help with clinic appointments but annoys me that my husband is never able to attend these quite critical appointments. So I totally get the injustice.

I think your husband should ask, but I guess some places of work just are not happy to allow any time off.

I never understand why hospital appointments won't give more than a week or 2 notice, not that it would help in you circumstances.

Can it be worked so he can take as little time as possible?

I was a teacher before we had children and so is my husband. It is severely frowned upon to take a day off during term time. It's crap but that's the job and you get the holidays in return. One of the reasons I've not gone back to work is how difficult it is for me to attend interviews with no one to look after the children. Your husband could definitely ask but it's possible for the headteacher to say no and the chances are it will effect how your husband is perceived career-wise. During term time it's frowned upon to have a personal life by some head teachers.

It's a nightmare if a teacher takes time off. It's not that your DH is being unreasonable. It's so good that one of you has a secure job and it would be crazy to jeopardise it. Can you ask them to interview you on another day? People who don't teach don't understand how difficult it is for the children and school when a teacher has to take a day off.

I am a teacher. YANBI. Your husband is also their parent. Kids get sick/need to go to appointments. School admin are aware of this. If the admin are so concerned about kids missing one lesson before exams they should arrange cover from within his department.
I hope you manage to sort this out. It doesn't seem right for your own child to have to miss a medical appointment.

NRTFT so apologies if this has already been asked, but what time is this appointment? Would your DH really need the whole day off? Surely half a day would suffice? I would expect Y12's to be of an age where they can take quite a bit of responsibility for their own learning and if he left them some cover work for a few hours, or asked a colleague to supervise whilst they did a mock exam or something with an old exam paper would be fine.

Failing that you need to ask the hospital if you can re-arrange the appointment and just be deeply apologetic about having to change it for a second time.