AIBU to think that DH - a teacher - could take a day off work?

[BackAche21]

I have been a SAHM for 2 yrs after redundancy and now I have got myself a job interview, which happens to fall on the day that DS (4) has an allergy challenge in hospital. DH says he can't take the day off teaching as his Y12s are close to AS exams, and he is head of department so it looks bad, plus notoriously stingy Headteacher may not give permission. But aside from permission (there were sickies in my day) he doesn't even want to ask. I don't know what solution he thinks is possible.

I am already asking the hospital if they can change the date - but we've already changed it once owing to DS being unwell - and they might not let us change it again. It won't be an option to ask potential employer to change the date as they have a whole load of obstacles lined up for candidates on the day, involving meeting other people too.

IMHO it puts me in an impossible situation as I don't think anyone other than a parent can really do the hospital gig, and our family needs me to get a job. before redundancy all sick children etc fell to me to take time off work, and I feel like he's just staking this ground again - his teaching time is untouchable. Makes me mad, but AIBU?

There will be no issue whatsoever with you changing the appointment. As I say, they will be pleased you updated them as opposed to just not turning up, which so many do.

Single parent teachers find it very difficult indeed, in answer to those above who ask. And couples who both teach have to discuss it between them - I was in that situation. Sometimes my children came into (primary) school with me when they were over the worst of an illness but not well enough to go back to school themselves, and when their school had training days but ours didn't, etc. I had very sympathetic management, which made a big difference.
When I asked for the day off once to attend a funeral, it was allowed because the head said I wouldn't ask for the day off unless it was very important. That trust would be seriously eroded if a teacher "took a sickie" which is why your DH doesn't want to ask. I do think YABU. Reorganise the hospital appointment.

The OP has already said they had to previously rearrange an appointment, so can't rearrange it a second time. That's the current state of the NHS.

You have been able to reschedule once, of course you can reschedule again - hospitals are very used to this.
When you are back at work you will have lots of situations like this.
I am a supply teacher in state schools and it does amaze me how teachers off so much for trivial reasons - tho' good fo me, obviously. Good to know there are some like your DH with more integrity than to throw a 'sickie'

Yes, they will be able to arrange it a second time. No question.

I still don't why you can't just hire someone for the day to take the child in. It doesn't have to be a parent. Plenty of relativs, grannies, nannies, babysitters do these things all the time. Where necessary I have sent a written letter authorising them.

*What do teachers who are single parents do? What do parents who are both teachers do?

It's not impossible to take some time off.*

In some cases lose their jobs because they are caught pretending to be ill.
In some cases call in favours.
In some cases pay money they cannot afford to childminders.

Really really seriously ... you don't even have the 'right' to time off for a very sick child.
My HT is understanding and only sends the 'you are not entitled to time off, this is a warning and governers have been informed' letter as a formality.
Others are not this understanding.

I am a supply teacher in state schools and it does amaze me how teachers off so much for trivial reasons - tho' good fo me, obviously.

Where are you?!? We have cases of staff being sent home having been found with a fever throwing up in the loos. A bad sick record and/or absence + steep targets = enormous pressure to stay.

Laura, if the child fails the allergy test they could have an anaphylactic reaction. It's not something you send a babysitter to do!!

My DS has failed one and it was pretty horrible for both of us. A parent needs to be there.

Laura, I have no relatives within 3 hours.
We have a babysitter but she works during the day
So you're saying the op should just contact an agency and see if for a one off, someone is free during the day, who drives and who is happy to take a child she does not know to a hospital appointment. Really?
Moreover a hospital appointmeant is not something most parents would be willing to outsource.

An allergy test is not that important

Yes who cares if your son struggles in life with debilitating health problems and limited diet and exposure to new things. With possible life threatening consequences.

Someone's darling 17 year old baby might not see that teacher they've been trying to ignore for one hour or two!

They could fail all their subjects! Have to go to some sort of polytechnic university instead of the naice Russell Group and it's all YOUR FAULT for having a poorly child and a husband who needs to take him to the doctors.

Of course your career prospects aren't as precious as one teenager's revision class.

I am reading this slack jawed, but for me the thing really sticking is that if this happened to DH and I I would be asking him to leave teaching as it's clearly imcompatable with family life and isn't well paid or have anything else about it that would make you accept these sacrifices year after year. And that's terrible, because that means teaching must lose a huge number of good people through their short sighted inflexibility.

As a widowed teacher, so not even having the possibility of an ex being able to help, with parents who live a distance away who also work in education, I've faced tough decisions on a number of occasions.

Dd was seriously ill a few years ago and I had to take 6 days off to look after her, I was unpaid for 5 of them so lost 25% of my salary that month - personally not able to take a 'sickie' but can understand why colleagues did as we had a very tough month. I mentioned it to the Head at a later date, she was gobsmacked as she'd never thought of the implications of the policy for someone in my situation. She'd always had a stay at home husband!

This week I've had to take 2 days off as she had an emergency operation under GA, the SLT at this school couldn't have been nicer about it. My Y12 & Y13 classes all had work to do and knew where they could get help if needed. We finished the A level syllabus before Easter and now are doing revision, I'd have been far more worried if it had been earlier in the year. I only teach KS5 btw.

For other things, I have a couple of friends who can help out on occasion with late pickups etc but there are times when only a parent will do.

Teachers & their children do get a tough deal; sports days, assemblies, concerts all have to be missed. It's heartbreaking when you get told 'I didn't bother asking if you wanted to come as I know you can't'.

What I'd do FWIW:

1. Get onto the hospital and change the appointment to a better time, ideally during a school holiday
2. Sit down and have a long chat with OH about how childcare will work going forward - if you are both working then situations like this will arise again and you need to agree how to deal with them
3. Make sure as far as possible that your childcare when you are both working is as bomb-proof as you can - think through how you will cope when DC is ill, school closed for a day, meetings at school etc. Do this together after (2) as it is the responsibility of both of you - you don't want DH to think he can leave it all to you.

Yes my previous post was facetious, and yes HCP's can book annual leave; doesn't stop you getting called at 5:00am and asked to come in, or been told no you can't have leave on that day as you haven't given 8 weeks notice etc.

My point was more along the lines of pointing out that for the OP they need to have the discussion and his buy in to the fact that if she does get a job she can not be relied on to be the one to still cover all child care, be it planned or emergency.

The assumption that it is the woman that will either do or sort out the childcare is a stick that is used to justify not promoting women.

OP and her DH need to sit down and figure out what is more important; more money coming in or his job?

If it's the money; then he has to accept the downfalls and this means doing half the child care.

If it's his job; well then he has to accept that until the children are of an age to be safely left alone all day he has to be the main breadwinner.

I haven't read the WHOLE thread so forgive me if someone has already said this...
Speaking as an employer I would not mind if someone asked me if it were possible to come in another day for an interview. It might or might not be possible but I wouldn't mind being asked, if it were asked reasonably without a sense of entitlement. Asking certainly wouldn't count against you - if It did then I wouldn't be an employer you'd want to work for, especially if there's a good chance you will need flexibility for future appointments for your child.
Even if there is a panel or battery of tests it's not out of the question to change days. Employers often do panels on more than one day and can switch you to another one, particularly if you're willing to travel to another location for it.

Or, if they are really interested in you (and/or there's a shortage of good candidates) they may even make special arrangements. I recently interviewed someone at two hours notice, totally shortcircuiting HR, because we were in dire need and this person was in the right place at the right time.
This also happened to me personally when I went back to work - I was offered a panel interview for a civil service job and told them I couldn't make that day because of childcare...they were fine about it, just arranged it for the following morning instead.

I would love some of you to have been flies on the wall during some of your dcs pre-exam classes. The time spent on mobile phones, doing their make up, arriving half way through the lesson etc. Way more important than sorting out a child's allergy. I have a paediatrician appt next month. Shall I hire a stranger to take her? Will the doctor make a good assessment of my child's possible developmental needs in the company of this complete stranger?
Some of you need to give yourselves a good shake. Everything in life is a matter of balance and compromise.

I think some here got confused and are now outraged that a "teacher can't take a day when his / her child is sick". I don't think anyone here has even suggested it. I, for one, am outraged that teachers lose pay when they are forced to take time off in similar situations. What we've been saying here, however, is that an allergy test is NOT medical emergency. We are not saying it's not important. We are saying that it can be rearranged. I suppose this is your husband's view too and this is why he doesn't want to ask for time off. Let's clarify - he is not being uncaring or indifferent to his sick child who needs urgent care and attention. He has excellent work ethic and should be applauded. As for the posters who think it's OK to pull a sickie... I suppose it explains why our economy is what it is...

Some of the comments on this thread amaze me. Some posters seem to think of teachers as automatons who are not entitled to a life outside school. Actually complaining about a teacher taking a day off sick sounds ludicrous to me (unless it's a very regular occurance).

Strangely, these posters are probably the same people who think children under 15 should never be left home alone for more than 5 minutes (according to many mn threads), unless, of course, the parent is a teacher when it's fine for their child whatever age to be left at home bedridden, for days at a time as their childs education is far more important.

Stickystick - this is exactly the point I made earlier! As someone who interviewed and employed many many people for different companies, it's never a problem to ask to change the date and a lot of people ask! I also suggested OP may not want to work for a company that seems to be inflexible. I think some posters are losing track of what was originally discussed and said - I don't think anyone here said teachers should never take any days off sick.

Bloody hell, the level of ignorance about allergies on this thread is astounding.

AIBU is full of people commenting on stuff they know nothing about!

Wanky, I have worked in both sectors and absence levels were the same in both. The teachers in independent schools you are talking about may not have caring responsibilities, or their workload may not be as great, making it much easier to fit appointments into odd half days here and there that you don't won't be aware of as a parent. They also have significantly longer holidays. Head teachers certainly flex for staff in the independent sector all the time. So I would not be too quick to judge.

A single parent who is also a teacher would rearrange the appointment. Single parents are use to not relying on anyone else and just getting on with it.

More importantly I hope your potential new employer is flexible as it will be your responsibility to cover all sickness, appointments, school assemblie etc. However at least you will not have to find childcare during the school holidays. Swings and roundabouts I suppose.

Why would it be her responsibility? It would be 50:50 as they share parental responsibility. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Let me be clear about the 'sickie' comment.

I don't condone 'sickies' BUT if a hospital appointment couldn't be changed and my employer was so unreasonable that they wouldn't let me accompany my child to that appointment, if all else failed, I would take a sickie. In a heartbeat.

Why? Because someone else's kid's revision class is NOT more important than my child's health.

Yes, the OP may be overthinking this - she may well phone up and be able to change either the hospital appointment or the job interview. Her DH may well be exaggerating his own importance and needs to suck up the fact that he's a parent too and request leave. But it horrifies me that so many people on the first page of this alone took the view 'My kid's class is more important than your child's hospital appointment.' It's why I could never be a teacher.