Am I a bitch? I don't want DD sleeping over with these people!

[thenappyslayer]

DD is 9 and has been invited to a sleepover at the home of parents who I'm not keen on. Their kids are really really lovely!!! The sweetest most quiet little things you will ever meet.

As for the parents....I certainly wouldn't want my child staying in their home over night.

These poor kids are always waiting outside the betting shop after school, their shirt collars are always filthy, both have rotten teeth, the mother smokes over the pram of her newborn and the father has a foul mouth. He's always shouting at his kids for no reason and seems to have a mobile phone pressed to his ear indefinitely.

I've told DD no and said it's because she has to go to her grandparents on Saturday and we just would not make it back in time. Her and this kid are fairly close. DD feels left out etc as all the other invited kids are going and yesterday when asked by the mum hosting if DD was coming, I gave the grandparents excuse.

I felt guilty fibbing but what was I supposed to say? She seemed to feel snubbed and was quite snappy but I didn't take it personally considering I just lied to her face. I do have some shame.

Im sure you're thinking "well if the other parents are okay with it surely you're just exaggerating what these people are like". That's the thing. The other parents aren't as bad but are pretty close. I actually feel quite alienated.

Yes I come from the "nice bit" of the area, yes this was not our first choice of primary school but I'm NOT a snob. I come from a working class background (grew up on a notorious council estate from HELL until 15 when it was demolished ) as do all of my dearest friends.

Anyway...

Again this morning the bloody sleepover came up with 3 other mums. I gave my excuse. One of the mums said "of course you cant come" and gave the others a look. Then another mum said "well her grandparents will be there next weekend". It caught me off guard and I just gave another shitty clumsy excuse. I'm sure it was obvious I was lying. The kids went in and as I excused myself I was given looks that could have killed pigeons in mid air. Don't those women have bloody lives? I found the premise of the exchange oddly nosey/bitchy for grown women. Well, they average at around 26 (with 9 year olds) but you catch my drift.

It was only literally a 1 minute exchange but it did bother me a little. I don't want to come across as an uppity bitch who looks down on the chavy mums at the local primary school but I just don't have anything in common with them at all.

Have any of you ever really liked a kid but have not been keen on the parent?

Even though the mum was being snappy she did look hurt. I feel shitty.

To be honest i doubt they pretty much give a shit about you with your "chav" comments and how you judge them.
You come across as judgemental and cleary see yourself better than the other mums.

Maybe you were still finding your way at 26 and that's fine. It doesn't mean that everyone is at 26 though.

Side stepping your age comment I can understand where you're coming from. I do wonder though if your opinions of these women come through when you talk to them, hence their confrontational attitudes.

OP you said I never once made a comment about the parenting abilities of the ones who were rude to me

But in your op you said Im sure you're thinking "well if the other parents are okay with it surely you're just exaggerating what these people are like". That's the thing. The other parents aren't as bad but are pretty close.

so thats not true is it?

and FYI if a 16 year old came on here calling herself a crap mum no one would be saying "don't say that age is nothing but a number" everyone would be saying "you're only 16 you're so young of course you are going to struggle and make mistakes" and you'd all use her age as somewhat of an excuse. no, i wouldn't, i'd tell ANY first time new mum giving herself a hard time to go easy on herself, cos its hard not matter what your age.

Follow your gut instinct in regards to the sleep over.

However class and age are irelavent when it comes to being a good parent.

If your gut instinct is that you feel uncomfortable about a sleep over, that's acceptable.

There are great Parents at 14-16 onwards and there are crap parents of the same age and older...

So you mean friends of mine unmarried or unmarried who had kids at 17 onwards are automatically rubbish mothers? Yes, I agree some of them don't have life experience or maternal support at that age (some do) but you do the best you can.

I think the ageist comment was bang out of order.

My mum by the way (single parent due to divorcing my alcoholic father when I was 5) always looked 10-15 years younger.

It was quite amusing years later when friends mums who assumed my mum to be same age as them (eg the teen mums of my childhood friends) discovered she wasn't their ages, just looked and dressed a heck of a lot younger!

MN is a crazy place

Logic is irrational and everything turns into a witch-hunt

Don't be dismissive of the intelligent, funny and thoughtful people on here.

This thread hasn't worked out for you. No need to flounce.

Blimey you are really laying it on with a trowel here making sure every single stereotypical problem parent box is ticked. Well done.

Op, you have my sympathy with the situation: you don't want your daughter to go and feel under pressure.

The problem is that you have been seen through by the other parents. Which isn't nice for either of you.

There isn't a 'correct' position here. Your DD was included in a nice invitation. Don't be surprised that the others are hurt that you have turned your nose up - they have feelings too. You need to be more polite (lie better) in the future.

^^knowledge that comes with maturity

*EatShitDerek

It's the age Bollocks I don't agree with.

But as its young people it's totally fine.

No cries of ageism them*

Erm, have you read the thread...?

FFS so I was a teenage Mum my dd is now 17 and has 11 GCSE grades A-C but the brilliant thing is we get on well, were going to Glastonbury together and I will still be just 40 when she finishes uni.
Ageism works both ways Judge not lest ye be judged

Finding their way...

. Patronising as well as rude, snobby and deluded.

Yep snobby and patroising and ageist and awful.

Yanbu to not send dd if you feel the environment is unsuitable and frankly the "send her so she'll fit in " crowd are being silly .... I now need to sound like my mother and say if everyone else jumped off a bridge old yoyr?

However yes age had nothing to do with maturity. ...granted I was rubbish as a young woman but I have several friends who were fantastic young mums

But I wouldn't send my ds in that scenario because of the smoking and shouting

If you don't feel comfortable with sending them for a sleepover then don't, simple as. If you feel happy with it regardless of anything.

I was actually going to agree with you until you had to add

Well, they average at around 26 (with 9 year olds) but you catch my drift.

It's fine to not let your kids around nasty people who shout and smoke over their babies but why you give a fuck about their age I don't really know.

It's entirely your call to send or not send your daughter.

But keep in mind that they've raised a lovely child who is good friends with your daughter.

They must be doing something right.

I was 26 with a 9 year old, I'm 30 with a 13 year old and a 3 year old at 17 with a newborn I would have been a better more pleasant person than you OP. I'm sure those other parents are applauding themselves on not having to put up with you and your snobbery. If anyone needs to grow up its you. You are a nasty judgemental person and I feel sorry for anyone trying to extend the hand of friendship to you or your children as obviously its going to take a miracle for them to be good enough for you.

Yes because a bunch of 15yo having kids is so normal and nothing to hmmabout.

If they're 26 years old with a 9 year old they would have had the child age 17, not 15. Get your maths right.

I wouldn't let my daughter slew over there if it was me.

I literally just meant they are young but not so young that they shouldnt have manners and not question me and be bitchy.

That is the most backtracking bullshit I have heard on MN EVER!

My problem is that you called them chavy and slagged off their age. It makes it hard to take the rest of the post seriously and it does, rightly or wrongly, make me doubt whether all the rest it just hyperbole.
And you say the dd is lovely so they appear to be getting something right. And trust me you can't judge from the outside how safe your child will be with someone. You sound snobby and like you're looking down on them. Not surprisingly they pick up on this. It's not their playground etiquette that's the problem it's yours.