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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a bitch? I don't want DD sleeping over with these people!

342 replies

thenappyslayer · 26/04/2016 16:27

DD is 9 and has been invited to a sleepover at the home of parents who I'm not keen on. Their kids are really really lovely!!! The sweetest most quiet little things you will ever meet.

As for the parents....I certainly wouldn't want my child staying in their home over night.

These poor kids are always waiting outside the betting shop after school, their shirt collars are always filthy, both have rotten teeth, the mother smokes over the pram of her newborn and the father has a foul mouth. He's always shouting at his kids for no reason and seems to have a mobile phone pressed to his ear indefinitely.

I've told DD no and said it's because she has to go to her grandparents on Saturday and we just would not make it back in time. Her and this kid are fairly close. DD feels left out etc as all the other invited kids are going and yesterday when asked by the mum hosting if DD was coming, I gave the grandparents excuse.

I felt guilty fibbing but what was I supposed to say? She seemed to feel snubbed and was quite snappy but I didn't take it personally considering I just lied to her face. I do have some shame.

Im sure you're thinking "well if the other parents are okay with it surely you're just exaggerating what these people are like". That's the thing. The other parents aren't as bad but are pretty close. I actually feel quite alienated.

Yes I come from the "nice bit" of the area, yes this was not our first choice of primary school but I'm NOT a snob. I come from a working class background (grew up on a notorious council estate from HELL until 15 when it was demolished ) as do all of my dearest friends.

Anyway...

Again this morning the bloody sleepover came up with 3 other mums. I gave my excuse. One of the mums said "of course you cant come" and gave the others a look. Then another mum said "well her grandparents will be there next weekend". It caught me off guard and I just gave another shitty clumsy excuse. I'm sure it was obvious I was lying. The kids went in and as I excused myself I was given looks that could have killed pigeons in mid air. Don't those women have bloody lives? I found the premise of the exchange oddly nosey/bitchy for grown women. Well, they average at around 26 (with 9 year olds) but you catch my drift.

It was only literally a 1 minute exchange but it did bother me a little. I don't want to come across as an uppity bitch who looks down on the chavy mums at the local primary school but I just don't have anything in common with them at all.

Have any of you ever really liked a kid but have not been keen on the parent?

Even though the mum was being snappy she did look hurt. I feel shitty.

OP posts:
EatShitDerek · 26/04/2016 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 26/04/2016 17:20

specialsubject not really. The op gloriously missed the point that the age factor was snobby and unnecessary. Nothing wrong with people commenting on that.

It doesn't take balls to be a snob.

Goingtobeawesome · 26/04/2016 17:22

The fact you said "they average out at 26" means you did mention all their ages..

Original poster
thenappyslayer · 26/04/2016 17:22

PastaLaFeasta I think it's young. So what? In any case I was very clear that it wasn't an excuse for their behaviour towards me. I never ever ever mentioned their parenting. I only mentioned the actual parenting of ONE family

OP posts:
lavenderpekins · 26/04/2016 17:23

Yanbu

Imho I would consider moving schools.

BrandNewAndImproved · 26/04/2016 17:23

I am so fed up of older women like you op. I get pre judged all the fucking time from women like you all because of my age. Just because you are older doesn't mean you're a better parent or person.

Original poster
thenappyslayer · 26/04/2016 17:25

harshbuttrue1980 I come from a council estate and my parents still live on one now. I had nothing growing up. Funny how you've forgotten about that part of my post. .They can go to town clown they can see a film why must they sleepover? If DD went to a private school I still would have posted. I only mentioned class and age as a background.

OP posts:
EatShitDerek · 26/04/2016 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
thenappyslayer · 26/04/2016 17:26

BrandNewAndImproved How old am I?
Go on....I'll wait.

OP posts:
EatShitDerek · 26/04/2016 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpecialStains · 26/04/2016 17:27

I've agreed that you shouldn't let your child stay if you are uncomfortable. Tbh, I wouldn't let my child stay for a lot of the reasons you've mentioned, except their age.

in the context of them being rude and questioning me and giving me dirty looks - So because they were nasty to you, you have the right to be judgemental and nasty about them? Wonderful maturity you're displaying there. Glad you got that extra decade of maturity on them before reproducing. Seems to have worked out well for you. Hmm

lavenderdoilly · 26/04/2016 17:28

Age of parents not an issue. Smoking and unfettered swearing is an issue. Smoking more so,TBH. My mum is dying of lung cancer from a lifetime of smoking.

BrandNewAndImproved · 26/04/2016 17:30

Well you are obviously older then me and I don't particularly care how old you are. Your opening post stinks and your back tracking hasn't helped in fact you've dug your hole even deeper.

BrandNewAndImproved · 26/04/2016 17:30
FirstWeTakeManhattan · 26/04/2016 17:31

I found the premise of the exchange oddly nosey/bitchy for grown women. Well, they average at around 26 (with 9 year olds) but you catch my drift

if you actually read the post it was in the context of them being rude and questioning me and giving me dirty looks

I don't see that context.

I read 'these are 26 year old mums with 9 year olds. 9 year olds!' It's an invitation to join you in judging, not a comment about 'playground etiquette' or one of your later explanations that you've shoehorned in.

You've been called on it, and you're trying to dress it up as something else, and tell us that we've all misunderstood you.

That's why people keep mentioning it. I know you'd like it to go away now, but that's not really how it works.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 26/04/2016 17:31

why not have their kid over? then DD is pleased, you don't look quite as snobby either, and peace is restored

Original poster
thenappyslayer · 26/04/2016 17:31

EatShitDerek You're mad. I simply said despite being young they should know better when speaking to ANOTHER PARENT. I DIDN'T SAY AN OLDER WOMAN. AND I'M NOT EVEN THAT MUCH OLDER THAN THEM MYSELF.
MN is a crazy place.
I was pulled up on what I said.....and I said sorry.....In real life that would be enough but oh no not on mumsnet. Logic is irrational and everything turns into a witch-hunt.
Thanks for all your posts guys I wont be back and again I'm truly sorry for the age comment it was ill phrased.
For what it's worth I'm 35 and feel at 26 you are still young and finding your way. All I was saying is that despite being in their 20's they should have more tact. Thats alllllllllllllllllllllllllllll.
Thanks again for all the feedback - I will invite the kids over.

OP posts:
lem73 · 26/04/2016 17:32

My ds has a friend whose mum had him when she was 15 and his dad was 16. They are far better parents than some people I know who started their family at twice that age. Hats off to them. It can't have been easy.

Headofthehive55 · 26/04/2016 17:32

I wouldn't be keen if a parent smoked in the house but other than that yabu. Perhaps a play date until you get to know the parents?

I had a nice friend in primary and her parents didn't allow us to mix, - wrong side of the tracks...but now children are steered towards mine as I'm obviously suitable now!

lavenderdoilly · 26/04/2016 17:33

I'd invite them over too. It's about your dd's relationships.

Tryingtostayyoung · 26/04/2016 17:33

I absolutely agreed with you until you decided to naively bring up the age of these mums, how dare you judge a woman on her ability to make good parenting choices based on her age , the fact that you decided to make such an ignorant comment just shows that wisdom most definitely does not come with age

NewStartNewName · 26/04/2016 17:34

With Derek on this, you are very judgemental - their ages, calling them chavvy, actually everything said is judgemental. Shame for your DD as she is the one who will be alienated by her friends because of it.

FuriousFate · 26/04/2016 17:34

OP, I agree with you and think you're getting an unfair roasting on here. I wouldn't want my child sleeping over there either, for a number of the reasons you have listed. You're not a snob to want better for your child than a night in a smoky house with people who, from what you've said, don't prioritise their children's needs in terms of appropriate clothing, looked after teeth and so on. The ages of the mothers is a misnomer in many ways, but the fact is it's not the accepted norm in our society to have children before you've reached adulthood yourself. Some people will judge, rightly or wrongly, even if you're the best teenage mum in the world.

malmi · 26/04/2016 17:35

OP is getting ridiculous levels of abuse for essentially saying that these women were acting like a clique of schoolgirls, despite being fully grown, albeit young.

Anyone who is offended that someone would link immature behaviour to youth needs to consult a dictionary. Don't take it as a personal slight and abuse the OP!

cubesofjelly · 26/04/2016 17:35

I'm not sure maturity coming with age is a proven fact Hmm

Although loving the fact that I'm apparently super young Grin okay I'm now 27 but it's close If it helps I feel much older.

YANBU to be fussy about sleepovers. I'm admittedly quite protective of my DCs and swearing and smoking in the house would put me off. However no reason not to host.

As for the age stuff... well I think we've established that's all rather ridiculous.