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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a bitch? I don't want DD sleeping over with these people!

342 replies

thenappyslayer · 26/04/2016 16:27

DD is 9 and has been invited to a sleepover at the home of parents who I'm not keen on. Their kids are really really lovely!!! The sweetest most quiet little things you will ever meet.

As for the parents....I certainly wouldn't want my child staying in their home over night.

These poor kids are always waiting outside the betting shop after school, their shirt collars are always filthy, both have rotten teeth, the mother smokes over the pram of her newborn and the father has a foul mouth. He's always shouting at his kids for no reason and seems to have a mobile phone pressed to his ear indefinitely.

I've told DD no and said it's because she has to go to her grandparents on Saturday and we just would not make it back in time. Her and this kid are fairly close. DD feels left out etc as all the other invited kids are going and yesterday when asked by the mum hosting if DD was coming, I gave the grandparents excuse.

I felt guilty fibbing but what was I supposed to say? She seemed to feel snubbed and was quite snappy but I didn't take it personally considering I just lied to her face. I do have some shame.

Im sure you're thinking "well if the other parents are okay with it surely you're just exaggerating what these people are like". That's the thing. The other parents aren't as bad but are pretty close. I actually feel quite alienated.

Yes I come from the "nice bit" of the area, yes this was not our first choice of primary school but I'm NOT a snob. I come from a working class background (grew up on a notorious council estate from HELL until 15 when it was demolished ) as do all of my dearest friends.

Anyway...

Again this morning the bloody sleepover came up with 3 other mums. I gave my excuse. One of the mums said "of course you cant come" and gave the others a look. Then another mum said "well her grandparents will be there next weekend". It caught me off guard and I just gave another shitty clumsy excuse. I'm sure it was obvious I was lying. The kids went in and as I excused myself I was given looks that could have killed pigeons in mid air. Don't those women have bloody lives? I found the premise of the exchange oddly nosey/bitchy for grown women. Well, they average at around 26 (with 9 year olds) but you catch my drift.

It was only literally a 1 minute exchange but it did bother me a little. I don't want to come across as an uppity bitch who looks down on the chavy mums at the local primary school but I just don't have anything in common with them at all.

Have any of you ever really liked a kid but have not been keen on the parent?

Even though the mum was being snappy she did look hurt. I feel shitty.

OP posts:
MyNameIsPrince · 27/04/2016 20:14

OP I wouldn't be sending my dds to sleep over either.

But you are coming across as possibly THE most judgemental person I've ever read.

Innit!

spankhurst · 27/04/2016 21:08

YANBU. Allowing your child to stay overnight in basically a stranger's care is very big deal.

fuckthatforagameofsoldiers · 28/04/2016 07:31

Don't send your DD anywhere you don't feel comfortable with. YANBU.

I think the age comment was made to indicate that they were teenage mums, OP you should admit that. No slur on their parenting abilities whatsoever. So I think you have been given an unnecessary amount of slaying over that one.

Just out of interest, mums who fell pregnant in their teens. Did you plan the pregnancy? You obviously will not regret it one bit as you have beautiful DCs now but would you advocate it as a life choice for your DCs? Is it what you would want for them, would you encourage it?

martha16 · 28/04/2016 09:51

I'm 25, with an 8 year old and a 6 year old. Also 7 months pregnant. But I also own my own home. My kids are dressed in joules and boden ;) but then again I'm too immature. I'm so thankful that the mums at the dcs school aren't as judgey!

martha16 · 28/04/2016 09:53

I would rather my daughter came home at 16/17 and told me she was pregnant than on drugs.

I'm so so glad I had my babies young. I fell pregnant just after my dad had a huge stroke that left him completely disabled, and my mum died when my second child was 6 weeks old. I'm so thankful they got to meet my babies.

KindDogsTail · 28/04/2016 10:12

Martha16
That is lovely for you, but you are very, very very lucky to be able to have three children at your age and own your own home. Very few people of your age with three children would be in that position and have boden clothes and so on.

So many people now cannot do that in this generation. They have to wait and wait till they are well past thirty in order to even begin to have a house, an established job and so on.

The OP made a statement that the mother was younger than she was and that she behaved in a different way than she would. That is all.

People have been judging her for that in my opinion.

AppleSetsSail · 28/04/2016 10:15

I would rather my daughter came home at 16/17 and told me she was pregnant than on drugs.

Is this your attempt at an endorsement of teenage pregnancy? It's better than drug addiction?

neveradullmoment99 · 28/04/2016 10:55

I have been in a similar position. I dealt with it by saying that my dd's friend could come over to mine. I have never allowed my dd to go to hers, ever. I won't be changing my mind. I don't care about offence. I care about my daughter. She comes first.

Mynameisdominoharvey · 28/04/2016 11:04

What's wrong with 26 year olds having 9 year olds? I had my DD at 16 and I'm a bloody good mum, I'm sorry OP but your shitty remarks on age have made me not give an absolute shit about the rest of your post.

KindDogsTail · 28/04/2016 11:32

What's wrong with 26 year olds having 9 year olds?

She never said there was anything was intrinsically wrong with 26 year olds having 9 year olds. She never suggested they were too young. On the contrary, she described the women she was speaking about as grown women, though they were younger than she was.

Her objection was to 26 year olds with children not behaving like grown women!

She was never talking about all other 26 year olds with children.

She was building up a description of this mother in which the age was one small part, in the context that she was grown up enough to know better even if she is younger than the OP.

The rest of the description included betting shops, smoking, a husband who shouts and grouping together with other mothers all giving the OP dirty looks because the OP did not feel happy about the sleepover.

Mynameisdominoharvey · 28/04/2016 11:48

I'm sorry but I still don't agree with the comment. If someone is immature call it as such, no need to bring in the age of the mother in relation to the child, people will get annoyed. The way it was worded is what's riled people up, the OP has herself to blame for that one.

Dowser · 28/04/2016 11:50

I wouldn't but then I'm not keen on sleepovers. I'm the old fashioned generation. I used to like my kids in their own beds where I knew they were safe because no one could look after my kids as well as me and no one would have their best interests at heart as much as I do.

I loosened the reins a little bit when they were in their early/ mid teens....but not that much.

If you're gut feeling isn't happy then that's it...no ifs or buts ...she doesn't go.

It's a no from me.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 28/04/2016 12:41

You sound lovely Hmmwhen do people become 'grown ups' then? Not at 26 apparently-or was that an excuse to get the young parent blow in?

thelittleredhen · 28/04/2016 13:00

As a parent of an 8 year old that I had at 21, I would like to highlight that the parents at school are a real mish-mash from all different backgrounds. Most of my "mummy" friends, I would never have crossed paths with had it not been for having my DS to bring us together. Of course, being a parent does not mean that you get on with everyone and I must say that reading the OP's posts, it seems that the reference to age was only to highlight that although their DDs are friends, the OP has nothing in common with the other parents past that - which is fine.

ArmySal · 28/04/2016 14:36

I don't really like my daughter sleeping out at 'undesirable' houses, but if she really wanted to I'd relent.
You deserved the grief you got for the snooty '26 with 9 year olds' comment though.

Whizbang · 28/04/2016 15:56

OP, you have received a hell of a roasting on this thread, without justification in my opinion. It is quite ironic that certain posters on this thread have branded you a troll, a c**t etc while they have behaved like a pack of baying wolves. Please don't take the abuse you have received too much to heart - just ignore the bullies because that is what they are x

bumbleymummy · 28/04/2016 17:18

YANBU. I wouldn't be happy about a sleepover either.

I can't believe how worked up some people got about the age comment. Hmm

shrunkenhead · 28/04/2016 17:40

Yanbu I wouldn't let my dd go either. I think the grief you've got about the age comment is uncalled for. We all knew what you meant. It makes me laugh this place. I thought mumsnetters were the biggest snobs going with all the Boden/Joules/naice ham/Hebden Bridge etc etc but only when it suits apparently!

AyeAmarok · 28/04/2016 17:49

Brilliant thread.

From the blatant attempt to tell us all that these other mums are scumbags with the totally unnecessary 26-with-9year-olds comment. To the desperate and transparent back peddling. Then to the stories about her childhood and her DH's family wealth. And then flounces because people who took issue with you being horrible you believe are trolling you.

You say you've only not lived in the estate for 7 years? Why did you and your DH and DD spend a few years living in a council estate with dangerous gangs when your husband is so rich?

Isn't it lucky that he didn't just decide that he didn't want to spend his time somewhere like that with someone like you.

I think you are very insecure OP. So desperately worried in case you are confused by someone as being 'one of them'. You need everyone to know you're different now.

And I wouldn't send my DD to the house of someone who smoked inside either, so I didn't even think you were BU.

Niloufes · 28/04/2016 18:05

This is a wind up thread, surely?

PortiaCastis · 28/04/2016 18:23

The age comment is totally unnecessary.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 28/04/2016 18:26

I've just added to the OP's 'Update' thread my considered view that this is a blatant attempt to be the next DM story. Grin

PortiaCastis · 28/04/2016 18:47
Grin
Whizbang · 28/04/2016 23:29

Jeez, I can't believe you're all still at it having a go. Some of you on this thread need to take a good long look at yourselves. Does it give you a warm fuzzy feeling to gang up to abuse the OP based on one poorly worded sentence? That certainly seems to be the case. For goodness sake get a life and find something better to do than bullying the OP. I have been genuinely shocked by the bile, bitterness and spite that is being directed at the OP in America of these posts. Some very sad people on here who are getting their jollies by being absolutely spiteful.

bumbleymummy · 28/04/2016 23:33

Well said Whizbang.