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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a bitch? I don't want DD sleeping over with these people!

342 replies

thenappyslayer · 26/04/2016 16:27

DD is 9 and has been invited to a sleepover at the home of parents who I'm not keen on. Their kids are really really lovely!!! The sweetest most quiet little things you will ever meet.

As for the parents....I certainly wouldn't want my child staying in their home over night.

These poor kids are always waiting outside the betting shop after school, their shirt collars are always filthy, both have rotten teeth, the mother smokes over the pram of her newborn and the father has a foul mouth. He's always shouting at his kids for no reason and seems to have a mobile phone pressed to his ear indefinitely.

I've told DD no and said it's because she has to go to her grandparents on Saturday and we just would not make it back in time. Her and this kid are fairly close. DD feels left out etc as all the other invited kids are going and yesterday when asked by the mum hosting if DD was coming, I gave the grandparents excuse.

I felt guilty fibbing but what was I supposed to say? She seemed to feel snubbed and was quite snappy but I didn't take it personally considering I just lied to her face. I do have some shame.

Im sure you're thinking "well if the other parents are okay with it surely you're just exaggerating what these people are like". That's the thing. The other parents aren't as bad but are pretty close. I actually feel quite alienated.

Yes I come from the "nice bit" of the area, yes this was not our first choice of primary school but I'm NOT a snob. I come from a working class background (grew up on a notorious council estate from HELL until 15 when it was demolished ) as do all of my dearest friends.

Anyway...

Again this morning the bloody sleepover came up with 3 other mums. I gave my excuse. One of the mums said "of course you cant come" and gave the others a look. Then another mum said "well her grandparents will be there next weekend". It caught me off guard and I just gave another shitty clumsy excuse. I'm sure it was obvious I was lying. The kids went in and as I excused myself I was given looks that could have killed pigeons in mid air. Don't those women have bloody lives? I found the premise of the exchange oddly nosey/bitchy for grown women. Well, they average at around 26 (with 9 year olds) but you catch my drift.

It was only literally a 1 minute exchange but it did bother me a little. I don't want to come across as an uppity bitch who looks down on the chavy mums at the local primary school but I just don't have anything in common with them at all.

Have any of you ever really liked a kid but have not been keen on the parent?

Even though the mum was being snappy she did look hurt. I feel shitty.

OP posts:
jellybeans · 26/04/2016 16:49

Ps have only just seen the age comment. I was a teenage mum but a good one. Parent didn't have a problem letting their kids stay at mine. Age wouldn't bother me neither would bad language or smoking or where the person lived. What would put me off is letting small kids out unsupervised on the street, severe neglect, rumours of drugs, not using seat belts etc.

Original poster
thenappyslayer · 26/04/2016 16:49

Sorry about the age comment.....all I meant was that they are young. That's all. 26 is young. Whether you have a child or not. I said if you catch my drift because even though they are young it was still quite immature behaviour.

OP posts:
MrsRyanGosling15 · 26/04/2016 16:50

Realistically I would probably think the exact same and there is no way I would allow mine to stay with people that smoked around babies, swore in front of their kids or left them outside a betting shop. To me that is bad parenting. I couldn't care less if people thought me a snob because of it.

Momamum · 26/04/2016 16:50

You write that the children are really lovely, so I presume the parents-from-hell do something right on the parenting front, then?

Me, I'd have packed my child off for the sleepover, assuming they wanted to go, with no probs at all. Spect I'd have sent over some sweets or something for them all to share, too.

Yourface · 26/04/2016 16:51

Fuck that. Don't Send her. For many people that fact that she is 9 is enough to not do a sleep over. I have done then younger but only with parents I know well.

Don't worry about their bad looks. We are all judging each other in this life and it's your judgement that matters most. In this case, I would mostly share your judgement. There's no way I'd send my children either.

GreatFuckability · 26/04/2016 16:52

I was with you until the comment about the mothers ages. its irrelevant and i think, telling. You do seem to think you are better than these mothers.
If you dont want your kid to go there, thats entirely your prerogative, but at the end of the day, if you lie and people know you are lying then you just have to suck that up.

Afreshstartplease · 26/04/2016 16:52

TBH I know of women in their 40s who behave in a similar way. You just should have left their age out of it. I think you realise that now.

I am 28 with three DC and one on the way , I look about 21. I've been judged for my age by people who do not know me. It's not nice.

personoftheinternet · 26/04/2016 16:53

I wouldn't let my child stay because of the possibility of them smoking in the house.
The comment regarding their age is not nice though.

Original poster
thenappyslayer · 26/04/2016 16:53

GreatFuckability Really sorry - I literally just meant they are young but not so young that they shouldnt have manners and not question me and be bitchy.

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 26/04/2016 16:53

Yup please it's unnecessary and downright nasty.

Cantusethatname · 26/04/2016 16:54

I would go with my gut feeling for a 9 year old.
My son once had a friend whose family got a Doberman. Call me Mrs Reactionary but I never let him go there again. The dog was put down 6 months later for biting a man in the street. I am a dog lover myself but some instinct told me that this family + Doberman = unsafe for my child.

Letseatgrandma · 26/04/2016 16:55

26 is young. Whether you have a child or not.

Hmmmm. Would you have considered me too young at 22 to teach a class of children?

Tatiana11235 · 26/04/2016 16:55

Tbh I don't live anywhere nice and don't have much money BUT my child's clothes are clean and she is well looked after.
I still wouldn't let her stay with the kind of people you have described OP.

Helloitsme88 · 26/04/2016 16:56

Yanbu for not letting her stay.
Yabvvvvu for judging mums on ages

Lndnmummy · 26/04/2016 16:56

I would not let my 9yr old have sleepovers at anyone's house where I did not know the parents.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 26/04/2016 16:56

Sorry about the age comment.....all I meant was that they are young. That's all. 26 is young

Come off it OP. It was bloody clear what you meant. Why include 'with 9 year olds' in brackets?

It does't sound as though you're fooling them or us, to be honest.

Cathead · 26/04/2016 16:57

You don't have to send your child off to sleep somewhere your not comfortable with. I usually just say " ah we don't do sleepovers" "but happy for child to come over for a play"

rollonthesummer · 26/04/2016 16:58

26 isn't especially young though, is it?! I was married with a baby at 26 as were some of my friends. Nobody called me a young mum! My mum was 26 when she had her first and was MUCH older than all the other mums in her ante natal group (in the 60s).

Cathead · 26/04/2016 16:59

I think she was saying 26 is young to have a 9 year old

Marmalade85 · 26/04/2016 16:59

My mother was 17 when she had me, had my sister at 19 and my other sister at 25 and she was and is a fantastic mum who was very involved and responsible.

juneau · 26/04/2016 17:00

OP you don't have to justify yourself to anyone - not posters on MN or mothers at the school gate. Your DC, your choice whose house she stays at. A simple 'thanks but we're busy' is fine. Going into chapter and verse about why just makes you sound like you're making excuses. Its okay to not be comfortable about every single other person's choices and living arrangements, but try not to get involved. We all judge one another (despite the constant refrains on here not to), its human nature and helps us to keep our DC safe. Try not to make enemies though - you're stuck with this set of parents at the school gate for another couple of years (at least), so just try to make the best of it.

Original poster
thenappyslayer · 26/04/2016 17:00

FirstWeTakeManhattan I said 9 year olds because if you have been a mum for 9 years surely you should have some "playground etiquette"? Or no?

Seriously I'm really sorry. You know when that happens? I actually didn't mean it that way. Poor choice of words.

OP posts:
LovelyFriend · 26/04/2016 17:00

This is why you should never give reasons or excuses - one of the better lessons I've learned/am learning in life. Reasons/excuses invite rebuttal, arguments, more questions etc.

Learn to say things like "Thanks for the invite but I'm afraid we/she can't that weekend" AND THEN SHUT UP!! DON'T SAY ANYTHING ELSE :)

If you get pushed and absolutely can't be quiet say something equally bland/firm/lacking in detail like "We already have plans". If someone replies "well can't you change them" simply say "no".

I'm a classic over-sharer but am changing my ways and getting better and better at this technique which is working for me.

LeaLeander · 26/04/2016 17:00

If they are 26 with children age 9, they were teen mothers. To some of us this is a major negative for both the individual and society. We are well within our rights to hold that view.

Not everyone is in the "let it all hang out, do as you wish, there is no right/wrong and it's all good" camp. Are those with stricter standards not worthy of a voice in these discussions?

Catmuffin · 26/04/2016 17:01

The bit about the dad always shouting at the kids for no reason would put me off. The other stuff wouldn't worry me.