Am I a bitch? I don't want DD sleeping over with these people!

[thenappyslayer]

DD is 9 and has been invited to a sleepover at the home of parents who I'm not keen on. Their kids are really really lovely!!! The sweetest most quiet little things you will ever meet.

As for the parents....I certainly wouldn't want my child staying in their home over night.

These poor kids are always waiting outside the betting shop after school, their shirt collars are always filthy, both have rotten teeth, the mother smokes over the pram of her newborn and the father has a foul mouth. He's always shouting at his kids for no reason and seems to have a mobile phone pressed to his ear indefinitely.

I've told DD no and said it's because she has to go to her grandparents on Saturday and we just would not make it back in time. Her and this kid are fairly close. DD feels left out etc as all the other invited kids are going and yesterday when asked by the mum hosting if DD was coming, I gave the grandparents excuse.

I felt guilty fibbing but what was I supposed to say? She seemed to feel snubbed and was quite snappy but I didn't take it personally considering I just lied to her face. I do have some shame.

Im sure you're thinking "well if the other parents are okay with it surely you're just exaggerating what these people are like". That's the thing. The other parents aren't as bad but are pretty close. I actually feel quite alienated.

Yes I come from the "nice bit" of the area, yes this was not our first choice of primary school but I'm NOT a snob. I come from a working class background (grew up on a notorious council estate from HELL until 15 when it was demolished ) as do all of my dearest friends.

Anyway...

Again this morning the bloody sleepover came up with 3 other mums. I gave my excuse. One of the mums said "of course you cant come" and gave the others a look. Then another mum said "well her grandparents will be there next weekend". It caught me off guard and I just gave another shitty clumsy excuse. I'm sure it was obvious I was lying. The kids went in and as I excused myself I was given looks that could have killed pigeons in mid air. Don't those women have bloody lives? I found the premise of the exchange oddly nosey/bitchy for grown women. Well, they average at around 26 (with 9 year olds) but you catch my drift.

It was only literally a 1 minute exchange but it did bother me a little. I don't want to come across as an uppity bitch who looks down on the chavy mums at the local primary school but I just don't have anything in common with them at all.

Have any of you ever really liked a kid but have not been keen on the parent?

Even though the mum was being snappy she did look hurt. I feel shitty.

This thread has clarified something for me about MN and its culture. It's fine to be on the bones of your arse and struggling, it's fine to be comfortably off, but express an opinion from the point of view of someone aspirational and in the middle and you'll be flamed to fuck.

All very Guardian really

OfTheHugeManatee, you've got that right!

A 26 year old mother of a 9 year old will raise eyebrows - it's deluded to dismiss this as rampant snobbery.

That said, the parents' age is surely the least of your worries here.

My girl crush.

YANBU I wouldn't let my child go but I agree it's an awkward situation for you 😢

If you think it's ok to judge a mother because they are young then you must think it's ok to judge a mother just because they are older

We all form constant judgements.

That said, maternal age is positively correlated with a child's outcome so your reasoning isn't perfectly sound.

I actually think you are being unreasonable not letting your daughter go. It is one night, there will be other kids there too, it is also, IMO, good that children grow up learning that not all families are the same as their own, not all children as privileged as they may be, but that love from all kinds of parents is the same the world over.

You say you came from a less than nice area yourself until 15, when this poor kid is 15 maybe she will move somewhere better.

Ask yourself, if this child had come from a very naice house, her mum had been 38 and dropped in the odd "0h fack darling" (think Steph off Gogglebox)her dad smoked cigars and spent his time talking loudly about how much his shares had made on his iPhone 6 would you have the same concerns?

Consider the following statements:

11 is a bit young to be getting pregnant and becoming a mother.
12 is a bit young to be getting pregnant and becoming a mother.
13 is a bit young to be getting pregnant and becoming a mother.
14 is a bit young to be getting pregnant and becoming a mother.
15 is a bit young to be getting pregnant and becoming a mother.
16 is a bit young to be getting pregnant and becoming a mother.
17 is a bit young to be getting pregnant and becoming a mother.
18 is a bit young to be getting pregnant and becoming a mother.
19 is a bit young to be getting pregnant and becoming a mother.

Are any of these statements acceptable or are they all equally judgey, snobbish and inappropriate?

Their kids are really really lovely!!! The sweetest most quiet little things you will ever meet. < This says a lot about the parents too. YABU.

A 26 year old mother of a 9 year old will raise eyebrows

I used to get raised eyebrows, especially from the Depute Head at my children's school due to my age. Oddly enough, she never raised her eyebrows again at any young mothers when I started as HT 10 years later.

I'm wondering if you're always going to make up excuses for your DD not to attend sleepovers if you don't like their friends parents OP? That WILL be interesting when she reaches High School. Will you still comment on the ages of her friends parents then?

I wouldn't have let my dd go to a sleepover in that house.

When I was 26 my dd was 11.

I'll bypass the comments about the other mums' ages as I've nothing to add.

You are definitely not being unreasonable to not allow your child to go on the sleepover. Trust your gut. I wouldn't be happy with my DCs being in a home where either of the parents smoked or shouted and swore at the kids.

I had a similar predicament with DD (6). Her wee pal from school stayed at the end of our street but he was allowed to roam around the estate until 8.30pm from about the age of 4. We'd often be driving home and would see him out wandering when it was getting dark. He is one of the sweetest most pleasant kids I've ever met and would turn up on our doorstep and stay for an hour or two sometimes having his tea with us. Then we'd get a chap on the door and it would be an older sibling wondering if he was at our house. They never really knew where he was or what he was up to which concerned me. His mum was nice enough, I'd chat to her occasionally at the school gates but she would never once mention her DS having spent 2hrs in my house the night before. I don't even know if she knew that's where he was unless I mentioned it.

DD often asked to go and play at his house but I always made excuses and said it was best if her friend came to see us and played in our house or outside our house. If his mum didn't know where he was most of the time then there was no way I was trusting her to look after my DC. Perhaps that makes me a judgemental bitch but I can live with it. Your kids, your decision. End of.

I wouldn't have my DC there either due to the lack of care they gave their DCs. I would also not be keen on someone swearing all the time in front of my DC but that's personal to me I guess.

However, judging the other Mums by their age is just shitty and unnecessary.

I had a few friends when about 10/11 whom I stayed with and I imagine it horrified my Mum. Both were unhygienic and we were barely supervised at all. Especially with my friend Becky, her Mum was sometimes not seen of a night and she had a 5 year old little sister.

i come from a council estate. I had aspirations and I achieved them. this isn't about aspiring to better things. its about making sweeping judgements on a persons parenting purely on the basis of how old they are.

I think you were invited because they wanted to hear your excuse for not letting dd go. They all knew you wouldn't. They think you're a snob, and you do sound snobby.

TBF, I would have let dd go, thinking it's only one night and there are other kids there. If she were upset by anything, then not again, but if all hunky dory then as often as the girls want. I think tolerance is much under-rated; walk a mile in the parents' shoes and then judge.

I wouldn't let my dc go simply because we don't allow sleepovers until our dc are in their early teens!

I'm an older mum but some of the best mothers I know had their kids between 16-18. I don't think you can judge anyone's parenting ability on their age and, from what you have said, it sounds like they are doing a great job.

I'm 33 now, so only two years your junior, and I still think 26 is not young in the sense of being automatically immature or too young to have kids (surely you were a similar age having your DD). I've always been fairly mature and think it's shitty to judge younger people as being somehow inferior. I've had a women, otherwise friendly, tut when I told her I have two kids because I don't look the right age. I don't feel any more mature than when DC1 was born and possibly even when I left home for university. I've recently worked with people in their early/mid 20s and it was lovely, they were so friendly and helpful, including me despite being a married mum of two living in a different world to them. I remember having 'older' women as friends at work at their age too. We had plenty to talk about. its not age that matters, it's personality.

Where I live you are one of the young mums! I'm about ten years too young at the school gates and feel there is a level of snobbery around. It's an utter nonsense and nothing to do with why these mum's are (potentially) shitty parents.

I actually think you are being unreasonable not letting your daughter go. It is one night, there will be other kids there too, it is also, IMO, good that children grow up learning that not all families are the same as their own, not all children as privileged as they may be, but that love from all kinds of parents is the same the world over.

Good grief.

Their age is irrelevant unless used in the context "they're 26 ffs, grow up!" But outside of that you're showing evident signs of snobbery. Age does not make for a great parent, trust me I have seen crap parents of all ages and walks of life. Also I had three children by 22. Judge away, they're great children with a clearly wonderful mother (if I do say so myself ).

I wouldn't be thrilled at the concept of my DC going to their house either but for one night especially when other children are going and they're nine, not five, I would let it slide. Your DD could have a great time, the dad might be on his best behaviour whilst other children are around. Then again she might have a terrible time, learn from the experience and never go again. You won't be able to micromanage in the next few years when she's a teenager at secondary school so I'd quit while you're ahead.

I'd feel the same as you, OP. Try to ignore all the pitchforks on here, it's perfectly normal to judge. You might judge wrongly, of course, but that doesn't mean we don't all do it.

In DS's class there is a mum who won't let her children go on sleepovers unless the houses have a full-on, police-connected alarm system. Now THAT'S unreasonable.

Ha ha Apple me too

It's hard but I think you should let her go for one night. You can't pick their friends and in a couple of years she will be at secondary school and you will know very few of her friends' parents.

At 9yrs old, they wont need much supervision in the house and if she eats junk and sleeps in a less than clean house for one night and hears some swear words, it wont do her any harm.

I know plenty of young mums who are very good mums. I also know plenty of older mums who just aren't up to scratch.

The rest of it is justified but you spoiled it with your comments about their ages!

My DD looks about 15, is actually 21 and had been married for nearly 2 years before her DD was born, but I have a feeling if you bumped into her, you would find the time to judge her for something!