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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a bitch? I don't want DD sleeping over with these people!

342 replies

thenappyslayer · 26/04/2016 16:27

DD is 9 and has been invited to a sleepover at the home of parents who I'm not keen on. Their kids are really really lovely!!! The sweetest most quiet little things you will ever meet.

As for the parents....I certainly wouldn't want my child staying in their home over night.

These poor kids are always waiting outside the betting shop after school, their shirt collars are always filthy, both have rotten teeth, the mother smokes over the pram of her newborn and the father has a foul mouth. He's always shouting at his kids for no reason and seems to have a mobile phone pressed to his ear indefinitely.

I've told DD no and said it's because she has to go to her grandparents on Saturday and we just would not make it back in time. Her and this kid are fairly close. DD feels left out etc as all the other invited kids are going and yesterday when asked by the mum hosting if DD was coming, I gave the grandparents excuse.

I felt guilty fibbing but what was I supposed to say? She seemed to feel snubbed and was quite snappy but I didn't take it personally considering I just lied to her face. I do have some shame.

Im sure you're thinking "well if the other parents are okay with it surely you're just exaggerating what these people are like". That's the thing. The other parents aren't as bad but are pretty close. I actually feel quite alienated.

Yes I come from the "nice bit" of the area, yes this was not our first choice of primary school but I'm NOT a snob. I come from a working class background (grew up on a notorious council estate from HELL until 15 when it was demolished ) as do all of my dearest friends.

Anyway...

Again this morning the bloody sleepover came up with 3 other mums. I gave my excuse. One of the mums said "of course you cant come" and gave the others a look. Then another mum said "well her grandparents will be there next weekend". It caught me off guard and I just gave another shitty clumsy excuse. I'm sure it was obvious I was lying. The kids went in and as I excused myself I was given looks that could have killed pigeons in mid air. Don't those women have bloody lives? I found the premise of the exchange oddly nosey/bitchy for grown women. Well, they average at around 26 (with 9 year olds) but you catch my drift.

It was only literally a 1 minute exchange but it did bother me a little. I don't want to come across as an uppity bitch who looks down on the chavy mums at the local primary school but I just don't have anything in common with them at all.

Have any of you ever really liked a kid but have not been keen on the parent?

Even though the mum was being snappy she did look hurt. I feel shitty.

OP posts:
upthegardenpath · 26/04/2016 17:02

OP - ultimately, your child, your rules.
No one can tell you what to do or think! You know best.

Original poster
thenappyslayer · 26/04/2016 17:04

Cathead no i was saying yes they are young but that's no excuse for their behaviour. I mentioned 9 year olds because that means they've been mums for a while and should know the do's and donts of how to interact with other parents.
I know how it sounded and wont rant about my background but I assure you I have no prejudice against teenage mums. I dont even like the term teenage mum or young mum. You're just a mum. But maturity does come with age whether you are a parent or not.

OP posts:
GreatFuckability · 26/04/2016 17:06

being a teem mother has no baring on your ability to be a good parent though LeaLander. Do i want my children to be teen parents? not especially... but that is a totally seperate issue from their ability to parent well. and making sweeping judgements of people based purely on their age is a nonsense. there are parents of all ages who are good, there are parents of all ages who are shit.

SpecialStains · 26/04/2016 17:06

Yep, I'm going to take offence at your nasty little age comment there as well. I would agree with you to not let your dd stay over if you're not comfortable with it - you are the parent. However, you do seem a bit full of yourself. What do you do in life that makes you so much better a human being than a teenage mum?

GreatFuckability · 26/04/2016 17:07

and now you are just back-peddling rapidly OP. Hmm

NickiFury · 26/04/2016 17:09

I wouldn't let her go either but you sound like a right t*at to be honest.

ThinkPinkStink · 26/04/2016 17:11

Growing up on a council estate does not negate the possibility that you're a snob.

It's fair that if their kids are grubby, left to look after themselves outside the bookie and the parents smoke around them that you're sensible keeping your kids out of their house. None of this is unreasonable.

Their age makes no difference, and the term 'chavvy' is nasty and is only ever used in the pejorative. Those type of judgements are not reasonable. They are just people who live differently to you.

VestalVirgin · 26/04/2016 17:11

the father has a foul mouth. He's always shouting at his kids for no reason

That is the bit that matters, and which is why I don't think it is snobbish to not send the kid to a sleepover.

It is a difficult decision - I have been at sleepovers with girls whose fathers seemed a lot like that to me back then (but probably weren't nearly as bad) and to me it was just a curiosity, like "Wow, there are really fathers who behave like that?".

But you don't want your daughter to witness such behaviour often enough to come to consider it normal in any way.

So I would say, perhaps allow her to go the next time, but use an excuse the time after that, etc.

BabyGanoush · 26/04/2016 17:11

I think you want to have permission (from MN) to be a bit snobby.

Well, you can be as snobby as you like. I am just as snobby as you, probably, only that I try to hide it a bit more Smile

and I would have thought it fine for my child to go for a sleepover, why not, really?

My best friend at school came from a home where everyone smoked (including her 11 year old brother) and a bit like you describe in the OP, but they were kind people and that's all my mum and dad cared about. They never interfered in my friendships or thought that certain people were beneath them.

I am grateful to them, it helped me judge people on things that matter, and to respect everyone.

Like I say, I am not perfect and have snobby feelings, but I try to not allow mine to surface!

you can't help how you feel, but you can help how you act. You have shown these parents that you think they are not good enough for you. That's kind of a shame for your DD as she may get invited less.

BrandNewAndImproved · 26/04/2016 17:12

I was with you until the 26 with 9yr old comment. Now I think you're a bitch. I was 26 with a 7 and a 9 year old, I bet my kids have been brought up better then yours as well.

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho · 26/04/2016 17:12

Momamum You write that the children are really lovely, so I presume the parents-from-hell do something right on the parenting front, then?

Considering they get yelled at for no reason, they are all probably desperately trying not to do anything 'wrong'. The OTT unpredictability of it will be really affecting them - desperately trying to please someone who will ever be pleased and still yell at them (or worse). Precursor for abusive relationships.

Makes me so angry that people like that have children, whilst those who would actually parent responsibly find themselves infertile etc.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 26/04/2016 17:14

I's prefer being a teen mum if it helps me to teach my child not to be judgmental like you LeaLander. I had a child, went through significant personal trauma, went to uni and raised a lovely child.

Terrible teen mum, me...

Original poster
thenappyslayer · 26/04/2016 17:15

SpecialStains Yes it came across as nasty but if you actually read the post it was in the context of them being rude and questioning me and giving me dirty looks. I was simply saying yes they are young (and i'm sorry but 26 is young whether you have a 1 year old or 12 year old) but they should know better.

Are we that PC that we can't call a mother who is young what she is......which is YOUNG?

I've apologised several times for how it sounded but reading back I do feel as though the comment was made in the context of the stares and the rudeness. I never once made a comment about the parenting abilities of the ones who were rude to me only of the ones who invited DD to the sleepover and I didn't even mention their ages at all ironically enough.

Just to be clear.

I don't like the fact that grown women were giving me dirty looks and being bitchy to me. Yes they are young but they are still adults and should know better.

Yes I know older people can be rude too but lets not pretend for the sake of being argumentative on mumsnet that certain things don't come with age. I certainly wasn't as tactful at 21 as I was at 26. I certainly was not as tactful at 35 as I was at 25. You grow up and learn how to cope in certain situations and with certain people better.

Not questioning another parent about their business its parenting 101 and as women with 9 year olds, despite being younng, they should know that.

THATS ALL

OP posts:
EatShitDerek · 26/04/2016 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlwaysNC · 26/04/2016 17:16

Just for the smoking I wouldn't let my kids stay there.

specialsubject · 26/04/2016 17:16

MN oversensitivity gloriously missing the point, as is normal.

regardless of the age of the parents, the OP does not consider the house suitable for her kids and from what she says I can see why. So no sleepover.

it takes balls not to be a sheep.

PastaLaFeasta · 26/04/2016 17:16

26 isn't young, nor an excuse to be immature. I got married and was pregnant at 26. I am mistaken as younger, I have an almost six year old now and suspect other parents are snobby about my perceived age. But they shouldn't be judgemental to parents of any age. And I suspect there are older parents who behaved in a similar way to this family. You don't have to like the way they parent and can decline the invitation. I was friends with some kids at secondary school who had very rough backgrounds, my parents would've been horrified at the idea of me staying there and both grew up in council houses.

Personally, I'm not that keen on sleepovers full stop. You could easily say you don't think she is old enough.

Goingtobeawesome · 26/04/2016 17:17

You are judging.

BrandNewAndImproved · 26/04/2016 17:18

How about this op.

You're to old to be a good parent. You don't have the energy to be a good parent as you're now past it. You're an embarrassment to your dc showing your wrinkles, your snobbery is due to your age and your dc would be better off having a young fun mum. HTH

EatShitDerek · 26/04/2016 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oatsandraisens · 26/04/2016 17:18

I was a teen mum & take no offence at all to what you said, you've made it clear why you didn't want her stopping over (which didn't appear to me to be about the age of the parents) and I think the way the group of mums spoke to you after should only confirm your reasons, they dont sound like nice women. A lot of parents would be uncomfortable sending their child on a sleepover when the parents don't really know each other, you can't be judged for that.
I had the exact same issue not long ago (the mum was 10 years older than me & the dad 30 years older) I didn't allow my daughter to go.
I also wasn't allowed to stop at any friends houses who's parent(s) smoked, even if my mum was friends with them.

claraschu · 26/04/2016 17:18

OP I don't have a problem with anything you said. I don't blame you if you don't like these parents, and I don't think you sound like a twat.

The only thing I would add is that your daughter probably would be absolutely fine, and might get something great out of the experience of sleeping over, especially if the family are very different from yours. It is interesting to have friends with very diverse backgrounds.

Malermalergoni · 26/04/2016 17:19

Bad bad form to judge mums on their age. Being mid forties with a nice pair of joules wellies and a Boden raincoat is not the sign of a perfect mother. I wouldn't let my child sleep at their house or yours. Imagine if they came back as judgemental as you!

Original poster
thenappyslayer · 26/04/2016 17:19

BrandNewAndImproved You are either a bitch or you're not. The fact that you just said that to me, provoked or not, shows your just as bad as I apparently am. Stop being defensive - I've said sorry several times and explained what I meant.

Funny thing is - if a 16 year old came on here calling herself a crap mum no one would be saying "don't say that age is nothing but a number" everyone would be saying "you're only 16 you're so young of course you are going to struggle and make mistakes" and you'd all use her age as somewhat of an excuse.

OP posts:
harshbuttrue1980 · 26/04/2016 17:19

I was brought up by a mum like this. I often didn't have clean clothes. Not because my mum didn't care about me (although would it be my fault as a child even if she didn't???), but because she had severe mental health issues that meant that even getting herself out of bed in the mornings was an issue. Thank god most of the other children at school didn't have awful, judgey parents like you, otherwise I would have had no friends and would have had an even shitter childhood than I had.
By the way, I studied hard as I wanted to escape the poverty trap, got my A's, went to uni and I'm now a senior teacher in a secondary school. So, OP, those kids might not be good enough to associate with your precious child now, but they might end up outperforming her in life.. Please don't hamper your child by passing your ridiculous snobbery on to her - raise her to be kind and accepting even if you don't have those qualities yourself.