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Original poster

Am I a bitch? I don't want DD sleeping over with these people!

342 replies

thenappyslayer · 26/04/2016 16:27

DD is 9 and has been invited to a sleepover at the home of parents who I'm not keen on. Their kids are really really lovely!!! The sweetest most quiet little things you will ever meet.

As for the parents....I certainly wouldn't want my child staying in their home over night.

These poor kids are always waiting outside the betting shop after school, their shirt collars are always filthy, both have rotten teeth, the mother smokes over the pram of her newborn and the father has a foul mouth. He's always shouting at his kids for no reason and seems to have a mobile phone pressed to his ear indefinitely.

I've told DD no and said it's because she has to go to her grandparents on Saturday and we just would not make it back in time. Her and this kid are fairly close. DD feels left out etc as all the other invited kids are going and yesterday when asked by the mum hosting if DD was coming, I gave the grandparents excuse.

I felt guilty fibbing but what was I supposed to say? She seemed to feel snubbed and was quite snappy but I didn't take it personally considering I just lied to her face. I do have some shame.

Im sure you're thinking "well if the other parents are okay with it surely you're just exaggerating what these people are like". That's the thing. The other parents aren't as bad but are pretty close. I actually feel quite alienated.

Yes I come from the "nice bit" of the area, yes this was not our first choice of primary school but I'm NOT a snob. I come from a working class background (grew up on a notorious council estate from HELL until 15 when it was demolished ) as do all of my dearest friends.

Anyway...

Again this morning the bloody sleepover came up with 3 other mums. I gave my excuse. One of the mums said "of course you cant come" and gave the others a look. Then another mum said "well her grandparents will be there next weekend". It caught me off guard and I just gave another shitty clumsy excuse. I'm sure it was obvious I was lying. The kids went in and as I excused myself I was given looks that could have killed pigeons in mid air. Don't those women have bloody lives? I found the premise of the exchange oddly nosey/bitchy for grown women. Well, they average at around 26 (with 9 year olds) but you catch my drift.

It was only literally a 1 minute exchange but it did bother me a little. I don't want to come across as an uppity bitch who looks down on the chavy mums at the local primary school but I just don't have anything in common with them at all.

Have any of you ever really liked a kid but have not been keen on the parent?

Even though the mum was being snappy she did look hurt. I feel shitty.

OP posts:
multivac · 26/04/2016 21:37

FWIW, this is the bit where you lose all credibility, for me: The other parents aren't as bad but are pretty close.

thenappyslayer · 26/04/2016 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SistersOfPercy · 26/04/2016 21:42

My best mate lived across the road when I was a kid. We both lived in council houses. The family were a bit rough around the edges. One Sunday afternoon the parents had their usual weekly row in public and the father chased the mother up the street with a shotgun. This was the 70s I add.

Funny thing was, even though this event played out in front of my parents I was still allowed to go over there and even stay occasionally because as tough as the family were the children were innocent in it all and my mother didn't think it fair that they should miss out on a bit of normality because their parents weren't.

One night won't hurt, but ultimately it is your choice.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 26/04/2016 21:44

Want to explain why you've aimed that at me, OP?

Original poster
thenappyslayer · 26/04/2016 21:49

multivac The other parents who are invited and thus the ones who think it's okay to send their kids are the ones who I meant are just as bad as they belong to the same friendship group as the parents this post is about. I wont get into it but as the other poster said things are quite cliquey in DD's school.
The schools are either "outstanding" or "needs improvement". It's a very socio-economically divided area. DD's school has a muslim clique, a small white middle class clique, a white working class clique, a black kids clique (mums who have black/mixed kids regardless of their own race). It's also 2016 and I don't bloody get it.

OP posts:
Original poster
thenappyslayer · 26/04/2016 21:52

FirstWeTakeManhattan I was being sarcastic. I have been trolled on here and have been called a cunt and told to fuck off and all sorts. When you get called one you report it. When I get called one and call it trolling I get called dramatic. It's not nice is it?

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 26/04/2016 21:52

What's with mumsnet hiding posts?

multivac · 26/04/2016 21:57

So are you saying there is also a 'the kind of parents people like me wouldn't want their child spending time with' clique, OP? Those kinds of people stick together?

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 26/04/2016 21:57

I'll ask you again OP, why did you aim that insult at me?

I certainly sounded exasperated with your last post, but you'll find that I don't call anybody names or behave in anything like the manner you describe.

Why don't you try to show some of that maturity that you expect in others?

ElderlyKoreanLady · 26/04/2016 21:59

It was a personal attack. Have never seen a post hidden before review though. New feature maybe? Report this comment and we'll see what happens Smile

multivac · 26/04/2016 22:00

You 'don't bloody get it'... but you seem perfectly happy (well, a tad guilty and embarrassed, but largely comfortable) with perpetuating it.

exLtEveDallas · 26/04/2016 22:01

Don't report it. It's the volunteer night watch. They can't delete posts but they can hide them until the paid HQers get to them.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 26/04/2016 22:03

Ooh, good to know Dallas. I didn't realise there were volunteers! Thank you Smile

AppleSetsSail · 26/04/2016 22:04

My best mate lived across the road when I was a kid. We both lived in council houses. The family were a bit rough around the edges. One Sunday afternoon the parents had their usual weekly row in public and the father chased the mother up the street with a shotgun. This was the 70s I add.

Funny thing was, even though this event played out in front of my parents I was still allowed to go over there and even stay occasionally because as tough as the family were the children were innocent in it all and my mother didn't think it fair that they should miss out on a bit of normality because their parents weren't.

One night won't hurt, but ultimately it is your choice.

Your parents would be warmly received on Mumsnet. Wink

ExitPursuedByABear · 26/04/2016 22:05

Never seen that before.

NicknameUsed · 26/04/2016 22:08

"What has the age of the mothers got to do with it?

Yes because a bunch of 15yo having kids is so normal and nothing to hmmabout."

Rightly or wrongly people do that though. It's a fact of life.

AppleSetsSail · 26/04/2016 22:17

Rightly or wrongly people do that though. It's a fact of life.

For large swathes of the population, it's not a fact of life. I don't know any current or former teenage parents.

PortiaCastis · 26/04/2016 22:19

I was a teen Mum I had a contraception failure.

SistersOfPercy · 26/04/2016 22:20

Your parents would be warmly received on Mumsnet
Grin

Have to say it baffles me now. I was an only child raised in an incredibly protective bubble. I wasn't allowed in the street on my own but could sleep over with the drunk, arguing, smoking, shotgun toting neighbour.

I know if I asked my mother she'd shrug and say "it was the 70's"

Original poster
thenappyslayer · 26/04/2016 22:23

multivac The school is very very cliquey. Is it so bad that I don't think it's ideal to swear and smoke in front of your kids as some of the parents in DD's class do? I can't lie I don't like it.

OP posts:
Original poster
thenappyslayer · 26/04/2016 22:26

SistersOfPercy Seriously? Bloody hell. I'm so sorry but I did laugh out loud at the shotgun scene. Sounds nuts.

OP posts:
RebootYourEngine · 26/04/2016 22:34

In my line of work i meet many mums. I can truthfully say that age makes no difference to how you parent.

I would let your dd go for the sleepover. It sounds like a party so your dd will miss out if all of her friends are going.

angielou123 · 26/04/2016 22:35

When I was 26 my daughter was 9. You mean that's what happens when 17 yr olds have babies. I'm 40 now and my daughter is 23 and we are both perfectly respectable. I don't bare no grudge, you were just trying to explain the situation but bad choice of words I think.

KindDogsTail · 26/04/2016 22:38

This is very difficult because the mother will feel snubbed but I think you are right.
Sleepovers are a real nuisance at the best of times in my opinion, even if you were not worried.

When my daughter was little there were no sleepovers until a bit older, but one friend's mum just did not like them. She would let her daughter go with the others for the evening, even until quite late, then go and get her. In her case it was not even distrust but she wanted her child at home, safe, getting enough sleep and ready for the next family day. No one ever resented her. Could you could be like her?

Then you could be very friendly to all the others and have them all over to your house for afternoon parties. Bit by bit everyone could come to accept each others ways. Just be open explain, but keep trying to be friendly.

agentmarmalade · 26/04/2016 22:42

You had a gut reaction against the parents. I accept that you say it's not for 'snobby reasons, there's something about the parents behaviour you aren't keen on. That's ok. It's your gut instinct, it's alright to trust it.
Give the sleepover a miss and perhaps, if she is invited to another sleepover there in the future you will have had time to see how you feel about it more fully. Chat with your dd and casually see what she feels about the parents. I often ask my dd who is also nine what "vibes" she gets from various people!
Don't feel guilty, and continue to encourage your dd to maintain her friendships. Best wishes to you!

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