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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a bitch? I don't want DD sleeping over with these people!

342 replies

thenappyslayer · 26/04/2016 16:27

DD is 9 and has been invited to a sleepover at the home of parents who I'm not keen on. Their kids are really really lovely!!! The sweetest most quiet little things you will ever meet.

As for the parents....I certainly wouldn't want my child staying in their home over night.

These poor kids are always waiting outside the betting shop after school, their shirt collars are always filthy, both have rotten teeth, the mother smokes over the pram of her newborn and the father has a foul mouth. He's always shouting at his kids for no reason and seems to have a mobile phone pressed to his ear indefinitely.

I've told DD no and said it's because she has to go to her grandparents on Saturday and we just would not make it back in time. Her and this kid are fairly close. DD feels left out etc as all the other invited kids are going and yesterday when asked by the mum hosting if DD was coming, I gave the grandparents excuse.

I felt guilty fibbing but what was I supposed to say? She seemed to feel snubbed and was quite snappy but I didn't take it personally considering I just lied to her face. I do have some shame.

Im sure you're thinking "well if the other parents are okay with it surely you're just exaggerating what these people are like". That's the thing. The other parents aren't as bad but are pretty close. I actually feel quite alienated.

Yes I come from the "nice bit" of the area, yes this was not our first choice of primary school but I'm NOT a snob. I come from a working class background (grew up on a notorious council estate from HELL until 15 when it was demolished ) as do all of my dearest friends.

Anyway...

Again this morning the bloody sleepover came up with 3 other mums. I gave my excuse. One of the mums said "of course you cant come" and gave the others a look. Then another mum said "well her grandparents will be there next weekend". It caught me off guard and I just gave another shitty clumsy excuse. I'm sure it was obvious I was lying. The kids went in and as I excused myself I was given looks that could have killed pigeons in mid air. Don't those women have bloody lives? I found the premise of the exchange oddly nosey/bitchy for grown women. Well, they average at around 26 (with 9 year olds) but you catch my drift.

It was only literally a 1 minute exchange but it did bother me a little. I don't want to come across as an uppity bitch who looks down on the chavy mums at the local primary school but I just don't have anything in common with them at all.

Have any of you ever really liked a kid but have not been keen on the parent?

Even though the mum was being snappy she did look hurt. I feel shitty.

OP posts:
NicknameUsed · 27/04/2016 07:25

BTW I wouldn't want my daughter staying over either. Although she wouldn't want to. She hates smoking as much as I do.

KittyKrap · 27/04/2016 07:35

I had a best friend at 9, DM decided that because my friend lived on a council estate and her mother had been a teenage mum that I shouldn't see her anymore, demanded even. Fast forward 30+ years and she's still my best friend however my relationship with DM is strained. My friend also owns two successful businesses in a town and is very happily married with a child that she had at 35.

I would worry that your DD could lose a friendship - whatever her family and home life are like and one sleepover isn't going to turn her into a swearing crack addict. It also gives you the 'grandparent' excuse for the next time.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 27/04/2016 07:48

It's digusting to assume someone is a chav or beneath you based on the way they speak or dress

Yet that's what you did. You actually used the word chavvy. Don't try and take the moral high ground, you're just digging a bigger hole for yourself.

Original poster
thenappyslayer · 27/04/2016 08:11

Paula anticipating a roasting I said I know I LOOK like the uppity mum looking down on chavs. Context. Context.

OP posts:
Original poster
thenappyslayer · 27/04/2016 08:45

As I've said several times I don't care where they live as many have nicer houses than me off the council or as just as nice. The child in question has a lovely Victorian with a front and back garden. One has a new build town house with bloody balconies and two ensuites.
Thanks guys I'm leaving the thread now and really really feel bad so will patch things up. At the same time I can't bekiiiiuiueeevvvve the difference between DDs life and mine. I find myself a little smug when DH takes me through old pictures of him in different countries as a kid. We went to the seaside once and never bought one thing. Not even ice cream. DH comes from MMMMMMOOOONNNNEEEEEEEYYYYY. Parents treated me like an exotic creature when we first met. I remember me meeting dh at the address for the first time as I was running late and he left without me. As I was approaching the address I called him and said I'm here but you forgot to give me.the flat number. He laughed and said it was the entire building. Their kitchen is hands down twice the size of my entire childhood flat in terms of square footage. They have a country house with a tennis court and swimming pool - dd thought it was a hotel and asked where all the people were. I still feel like a fish out of water at family functions when intensely questioned about my schooling, breeding and career. I speak fluent french and have recieved several eyebrow raises over the years. It's not because I could afford to learn but like most children of immigrants I speak a secound langauge. I could tell u guys some stories you wouldn't believe. Im very well spoken but do say stuff like "issit" and "fuck a duck" and "come off it" occasionally. They look at me like I'm ali G in da house.

OP posts:
Lilyargin · 27/04/2016 09:44

pinkhearts, Harold Shipman did not have a PhD. I don't know why you're "sure" my lodger never met my family, nor I his. Of course we did. He lived with my immediate family for two years and met lots and lots of my extended family. A partner or a child's dad is equally likely to abuse as a lodger. Most abuse comes from family members anyway. The point is though that judging someone's circumstances as not good enough is hurtful. That's all.

AppleSetsSail · 27/04/2016 10:26

The point is though that judging someone's circumstances as not good enough is hurtful. That's all.

I find it bizarre that anyone would have an expectation of not being judged. It would be impossible to make decisions without making judgements.

Anyone would be unwise to make their judgements known, but this doesn't mean that we should all pretend it's unkind to make them.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 27/04/2016 10:29

if we were face to face you keyboard warriors wouldn't be saying half of what you are

And if you conduct yourself in real life as you are on this thread, I'm amazed that life isn't one long eye roll from the people around you.

Your stories are getting just a little bit outlandish. You don't need to give chapter and verse on your Ali G/MOOOONNEEEEYYYYYY/violin lessons/living in't shoebox in't middle o'road etc.

There was one comment that most took issue with. You know what it was. It was very specifically about women of 26 having children of 9 years old. It was an invitation to judge and not many liked it.

The irony is that not many disagreed with your AIBU. I think YANBU to stop the sleepover.

You also made an extremely rude personal attack on me (which MN are now dealing with).

If you had apologised for the comment, instead of pretending you meant something else, and that we all just misunderstood you, it would have closed down immediately.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 27/04/2016 10:57

If your DH is country-pile loaded, why are you having to send your DD to the chavtastic primary? Serious question.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 27/04/2016 11:00

I wondered that but I'd guess it's his parent's money and they don't want to give them a hand out or something?

gotthemoononastick · 27/04/2016 11:02

Op.,just have one rule.No sleepovers ever.Your heart is unquiet about this and you have been trying to justify your fears to other people who are seeing it through their own prism and those who are trying to be anti snobbist.

Sometimes the 'naice ham' homes can be more unsavoury than the 'dirty' homes.

My daughters do not allow this practice now after they bleated their hearts out about 'unfair' as did I and my own mother and grandmother before her.
.
If you have the' Never' rule you will not be seen to be discriminating.

Sleepovers are not necessary and they always make me nervous.

RoobyTuesday · 27/04/2016 11:13

Perfectly reasonable to not send a child to a house for a sleep over if the mum smokes over the Pram of her baby. It would make me think she is likely to smoke indoors.It's not snobby to be protective of your child's health. I would personally just be upfront about that though - I wouldn't actually give a shit if they thought I was a snob but I categorically would not send my child to a house full of cigarette smoke end of. If you were upfront and asked them if they smoke in the house and they don't then maybe I would consider it although parents who leave their children outside a betting shop and don't encourage teeth cleaning don't sound like they would be responsible enough to look after my child overnight. Nothing to do with age or where they live. I think as other posters have suggested you should host a sleepover for the girl at your house another time OP.

CandyKane10 · 27/04/2016 11:27

I don't think OP was judging their ages , more saying she feels it was an immature response for 26 year old raising 9 year olds

OP I don't think yabu , I do not allow my child around smoking not because I'm bitchy but because it's a parenting choice
( not judging any smoking parents, it's just my choice , I know loads of kids are okay around it as I was, but I don't want it for my child)

PrivatePike · 27/04/2016 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 27/04/2016 11:39

Am late to this but..I had friends from all sorts of families as a kid and it definitely was good life experience for me.

PrivatePike · 27/04/2016 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AppleSetsSail · 27/04/2016 11:42

I don't think OP was judging their ages , more saying she feels it was an immature response for 26 year old raising 9 year olds

Of course she was. More to the point, it is perfectly normal for people to form judgements when they see very young mothers, particularly when it's a completely foreign experience for them.

How people process and act on their judgements is what might constitute actual snobbery.

AppleSetsSail · 27/04/2016 11:43

OP's last post is a great read

Indeed.

chilipepper20 · 27/04/2016 11:50

Rightly or wrongly, you do look down on them - how can you avoid coming across as such?

the OP is judging, and I don't blame her/him. She isn't judging them for fun. She is doing it because her kids are involved and she is being put in that position.

I am not sure anyone thing would make me say no (perhaps the yelling father) but the package doesn't look good.

frazzled24 · 27/04/2016 12:00

My dd is a similar age. I feel uncomfortable when I send her round to a friend's house who's parents clearly smoke in the house (it billows out when the front door opens). But I try to see sense - it's only a few hours and actually it might be very hurtful for her friend if we make up excuses every time she invites her round. If everybody did this she'd be quite isolated I think.

Buzzardbird · 27/04/2016 12:28

How very different MN is to RL. In RL I meet people who judge 24/7.

RoobyTuesday · 27/04/2016 13:56

I was thinking exactly the same thing Buzzard.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 27/04/2016 14:00

Well thats what Mn is like too

IDontSayBlahBlahBlah · 27/04/2016 14:12

I don't see why people are taking the "26 year olds with 9 year olds" comment so personally. I don't recall the OP writing it as a personal insult to each one of you who chose to have babies young Hmm.

Personally, I wouldn't have sent my children either. Hanging around betting shops, smoking on babies and swearing and shouting at children. They're not really selling themselves are they?! I'm sure their other friends have low standards and don't mind this kind of behaviour. I, however, would mind it.

ifcatscouldtalk · 27/04/2016 14:27

OP this is why i have never posted in aibu. I had my daughter young and am not offended. My dd is a couple of years older than yours & so far she has slept over at 2 separate friends. I am friendly with both those families and trust them that if there was any reason for concern they'd call me. It is a tricky one but I really don't care what other people think, if I have any niggles or bad gut feeling about a sleepover she doesn't go. At 9 years old it is very much your decision, fwiw i wasnt going on sleepovers till i was 13 and theres been no lasting damage.

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