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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a bitch? I don't want DD sleeping over with these people!

342 replies

thenappyslayer · 26/04/2016 16:27

DD is 9 and has been invited to a sleepover at the home of parents who I'm not keen on. Their kids are really really lovely!!! The sweetest most quiet little things you will ever meet.

As for the parents....I certainly wouldn't want my child staying in their home over night.

These poor kids are always waiting outside the betting shop after school, their shirt collars are always filthy, both have rotten teeth, the mother smokes over the pram of her newborn and the father has a foul mouth. He's always shouting at his kids for no reason and seems to have a mobile phone pressed to his ear indefinitely.

I've told DD no and said it's because she has to go to her grandparents on Saturday and we just would not make it back in time. Her and this kid are fairly close. DD feels left out etc as all the other invited kids are going and yesterday when asked by the mum hosting if DD was coming, I gave the grandparents excuse.

I felt guilty fibbing but what was I supposed to say? She seemed to feel snubbed and was quite snappy but I didn't take it personally considering I just lied to her face. I do have some shame.

Im sure you're thinking "well if the other parents are okay with it surely you're just exaggerating what these people are like". That's the thing. The other parents aren't as bad but are pretty close. I actually feel quite alienated.

Yes I come from the "nice bit" of the area, yes this was not our first choice of primary school but I'm NOT a snob. I come from a working class background (grew up on a notorious council estate from HELL until 15 when it was demolished ) as do all of my dearest friends.

Anyway...

Again this morning the bloody sleepover came up with 3 other mums. I gave my excuse. One of the mums said "of course you cant come" and gave the others a look. Then another mum said "well her grandparents will be there next weekend". It caught me off guard and I just gave another shitty clumsy excuse. I'm sure it was obvious I was lying. The kids went in and as I excused myself I was given looks that could have killed pigeons in mid air. Don't those women have bloody lives? I found the premise of the exchange oddly nosey/bitchy for grown women. Well, they average at around 26 (with 9 year olds) but you catch my drift.

It was only literally a 1 minute exchange but it did bother me a little. I don't want to come across as an uppity bitch who looks down on the chavy mums at the local primary school but I just don't have anything in common with them at all.

Have any of you ever really liked a kid but have not been keen on the parent?

Even though the mum was being snappy she did look hurt. I feel shitty.

OP posts:
ExitPursuedByABear · 26/04/2016 20:42

Wrong thread sweetheart.

EatShitDerek · 26/04/2016 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ExitPursuedByABear · 26/04/2016 20:44

🍓

OhtoblazeswithElvira · 26/04/2016 20:44
Grin
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 26/04/2016 20:45

Oh dear EatShitDerek must be stumbling around mumsnet pissed Grin

orangeyellowgreen · 26/04/2016 20:45

I wouldn't let my DD stay over with a friend whose parents kept a pub and wanted company for their DD while they worked until midnight. She went once and told me about the stack of pornography mags.
You don't have to justify your reasons, just tell your DD no.

EatShitDerek · 26/04/2016 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PortiaCastis · 26/04/2016 20:47

🍓 🍓 🍓 🍓 🍓 🍓

ElderlyKoreanLady · 26/04/2016 20:47

Loving the random serving suggestion Grin

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 26/04/2016 20:48
Wink
Verbena37 · 26/04/2016 20:50

You should do whatever makes you feel comfortable and to be honest, if they're smoking, I think you have reason enough right there to insist she doesn't stay. I'd hate for my kids to be subjected to other parents smoking. Luckily, so far, none of my childrens' friends' parents are smokers.

If the cow mums push you, I'd just say "she was grandparents but tbh, I'm not keen on her going because they smoke". Just be open if necessary.

BeauGlacons · 26/04/2016 20:53

I did let ds have a sleep over with a friend who lived in a tower block with three other half siblings. His parents were kind and nice and had spent 12 months in bb previously having fallen on hard times. Well there might have been a marriage breakup just before that and some gossip.

I didn't let him sleep over at the home of a couple if deputy head teachers because frankly they were thoroughly unpleasant and bitched about everyone behind their backs.

Didn't like the tone of the first page.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 26/04/2016 20:54

Yes you've got to be comfortable. However, for me it is whether there is a health and safety worry, or if their parenting is REALLY different, i.e. They were allowed to go mental all night.

Smoking for one night wouldn't bother me for one night, (health wise minimal) but leaving kids outside unsupervised, even briefly outside a betting shop, would.

BeauGlacons · 26/04/2016 20:55

Dunno, read this page now. Eatshit might just be giving the thread the attention it deserves.

PortiaCastis · 26/04/2016 20:55

When dd was at primary parents were not al!owed to smoke in the playground

Dachshund · 26/04/2016 21:08

I grew up in similar circumstances to your DD OP, my mum is working class and 'dragged herself up', was first in her family to go to uni etc. I grew up in a home full of books and radio 4 and all the trappings of middle class life except the income! Consequently I went to the local primary school and as we lived in the cheap end of town most of my friends were working class and had parents who were very different to mine. My best friend in fact sounds much like this poor little girl - sweet and kind. What harm is one night? It would mean a lot to your daughter's friend, believe me

Sparklycat · 26/04/2016 21:10

OP I think you are right when you say that the kids are so mild and quite and meek that their home life has manifested itself in their personalities that way.
Don't let anyone make you feel bad for trying to protect your daughter. I'm astounded that people would want to put their children into a situation that they feel might be unsafe.

katand2kits · 26/04/2016 21:16

I wouldn't care about the age of the other parents, or how well off they were or were not. But I certainly would not let my child go and sleep over aged 9 unless I knew the parents really well. I definitely would say no if there was going to be smoking and shouting and general unpleasantness going on - why would I want my child to have to put up with that? It is not about the social background for me, it is about what I think of the parents as people. My kids are younger anyway, and I don't think I'd be doing sleepovers aged 9 unless it was a close family friend.

NanaNina · 26/04/2016 21:19

I don't think you are unreasonable not letting your DD go but I don't think you should have given the excuse about GPs - they could well as again. It's difficult I know but you just have to say "oh that's really kind but I'm sorry I don't let her go to sleepovers" - end of matter. OK if they find out she's gone to another child's sleepover, so what. They're hardly going to challenge you!

I know you've had a tough time over the 26 year old mother's comment, but probably justified,

I think children who are very controlled at home are meek and mild, so that's another reason to be wary.

Original poster
thenappyslayer · 26/04/2016 21:26

Dachshund I just don't like the dad's temper - I can even deal with the smoking for the sake of the little girl having DD there. I just don't like how he is so snappy with such two quiet little kids. Again - he could be a millionaire investment banker with an anger problem and I would be concerned and writing the exact same post. I only mentioned social status as I feel that as the only older mum in that year group who is seemingly the most well off they were a bit more aggressive towards me - assuming I thought I was better just because I feared for DD's safety.
I've just spoken to DH. He thought me being trolled on here being called a snob was hilarious. I went to uni and do well now but I apparently have quite a thick accent and loads of stereotypically "ghetto" tendencies that he teases me about. It really is just about behaviour. I don't presume they live in high rises or aren't educated. One of the mums that gave me the daggers actually speaks 4 bloody languages and again, like the family in question lives in a lovely council house - it's a new build that I could never afford to rent or buy. I don't think these days, especially in London where half of social housing is owned through right to buy or sold off to private renters that the housing estate thing is an issue as it used to be.
I really don't care about where they live - it's about the behaviour of the parents.

OP posts:
Dachshund · 26/04/2016 21:31

Fair enough nappy in that case just be sure she knows your door is always open to her should she need somewhere to escape Smile

afussyphase · 26/04/2016 21:31

The smoking would bother me, and actually it did bother me when I was young and slept over at houses where people smoked. Now I'm developing asthma and I wonder if even back then it affected me more than most DC. And it intimidated and worried me if the other child's dad was shouting and swearing, for sure. And that's without the point that the DC are waiting in the street outside the betting shop! No matter what age a parent is, these three things would be enough to make me wonder if my DD would feel safe and comfortable there -- I certainly wouldn't have, at 9. I think YANBU for not wanting your DD to go there. Wouldn't matter if they were 26, 36, 46 or 56 with those 3 points.

That said - there is unfortunately a distinct lack of social mixing in the UK, according to all kinds of subtle and overt markers attached to "class" (and other things too!), and it's hugely fraught. I'm not from here and my accent doesn't place me in the system - so I sometimes find that some people will talk to me but not to each other. Not that they won't, just that they don't naturally chat at the school, meet up, etc. It is very strange. It's mostly not snobbery, though snobbery happens. It's also just a matter of what "feels natural" and who "feels approachable" to whom. I think. Then when the DC become friends it can be awkward. I wish they'd just pretend their way out of it. But I guess that's not going to happen.

Honeyandfizz · 26/04/2016 21:32

Yanbu, your dd your choice. My dd 12 has a friend who is lovely and her parents are lovely too. Problem is this child smells awful, to the point I had to check my shoes for dog muck when she got in my car not long ago. I literally gag. The house is filthy & cluttered with 2 huge frothing at the mouth dogs. I cannot stand to let dd stay there, it turns my stomach. If you aren't comfortable with these parents you don't have to justify yourself x

Original poster
thenappyslayer · 26/04/2016 21:36

Honeyandfizz What?????? Bloody hell.

OP posts:
FirstWeTakeManhattan · 26/04/2016 21:37

He thought me being trolled on here being called a snob was hilarious. I went to uni and do well now but I apparently have quite a thick accent and loads of stereotypically "ghetto" tendencies that he teases me about

Oh for God's sake OP.

Grow up. You're not being 'trolled.' Most people have said YANBU about the sleepover.

You know darned well that most people took exception to your comment about 26 year old mothers having 9 year old children. You've fluffed around trying to make out 'you didn't mean it like that.' Not many believe you.

Stop showboating and insulting perfectly nice posters who didn't like that comment.

You sound worse with every post.