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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it unreasonable of parents to send their kids to nursery when they know they have colds? And AIBU to ask this?

131 replies

TheCatsMeow · 26/04/2016 15:39

I originally thought it was, but when talking to people, apparently it's fine because getting the time off work is a bitch and the old "it's good for kids to get colds, it builds their immunity!".

That may be true, but I have a baby with neonatal rhinitis, feeding difficulties and asthma. What might be a mild cold in other children ends up as a chest infection and possible hospitalisation. I know people will say "well that's your problem", but is it unreasonable to expect people to think that there may be kids who are vulnerable or in contact with vulnerable people, and that sending your germ ridden kid in could have real dire consequences? I don't see why my son should have to not go to nursery, which he enjoys, because of something he can't help.

I wouldn't send my son in knowing he was ill, because that's how germs spread. AIBU to ask the nursery to notify me if there are germs going round so I can decide if my son needs to stay home?

OP posts:
HackerFucker22 · 26/04/2016 15:43

With all due respect if I kept my son off every time he had a sniffle he'd hardly ever go in (he is full time at pre school).

I realise this is very unfair on your DC but such is the way of the world. Toddlers and children can't be kept off every time they have a cold. Same with older kids and adults. Germs are always going to be out there

What is your childcare situation at present? How old is DC? Are they likely to grow out of their condition?

7Days · 26/04/2016 15:45

There are always germs going around, though. And kids often snuffle and cough, but shake it off very quickly so it's not a cold as such, or it doesn't manifest in them.

Sorry about you lo, though, it must be very worrying.

Original poster
TheCatsMeow · 26/04/2016 15:49

He's 8 months and I'm a single parent with no help financially or practically from his biological father. We don't know yet whether he will grow out of it, he's due a scan to see whether he has any congenital abnormalities but it had to be cancelled as he needs a general anaesthetic but had a chest infection.

It's frustrating because I'm unsure what to do - he only goes in once a week but that day gives me time to get on with practical things I can't do with him around like sorting finances, and gives me a bit of a break. He is going to start 3 days a week come September, but I'm so worried.

OP posts:
EatShitDerek · 26/04/2016 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mishaps · 26/04/2016 15:52

99.9% of children are fine to be a nursery with a snuffle - most children have them all winter long. I understand your difficulty with your little one, but you may simply have to not send him till he is stronger. It is simply a fact that children exchange bugs at nursery and school and there is nothing to be done. A lot of the time they will have passed their bugs on before they even look ill.

SocksRock · 26/04/2016 15:53

My children would never be at school or preschool if I kept them off with a cold, I would lose my job. I don't send them if they are vomiting or have a temperature, but I can't keep them off for every sniffle.

Elle80 · 26/04/2016 15:55

Sorry to hear about you LO. Unfortunately a lot of parents sending their children to nursery do so because they work. My two children (both at nursery) have a lot of colds, at different times - it would be impossible for me to keep them off every single time, I would lose my job. Although I never send them to nursery if they have vomiting/diarrhea or something else nasty like that.

Also when your LO starts school parents are not allowed to keep their children off for minor ailments. They would get a very bad attendance record, which would then reflect badly on the school.

HackerFucker22 · 26/04/2016 15:58

Maybe you need to consider a childminder. They may be able to offer more personalised care than a nursery? Not ideal but at least whilst he is so weeny it can minimise his contact with germs!

KellyElly · 26/04/2016 15:58

Of course children have to be sent in with colds. A child gets on average 12 colds per year. While I sympathise with your situation, you can't expect the other parents to keep their children off with a mild cold.

Minisoksmakehardwork · 26/04/2016 15:59

Gently, yabu. It is down to you as a parent to risk assess any situation and I suspect the majority of parents at your nursery wouldn't even know that a mild cold to their dc could have wider implications to yours.

As long as the nursery take precautions re hand washing and the other transmit-able illnesses and their exclusions, you have to weigh up if the time spent at nursery for you is worth the risk to their health.

Osolea · 26/04/2016 16:00

It's fine for you to ask nursery to let you know if there's any children that are likely to be infectious so that you can choose to keep your child at home, but YABU to think that children shouldn't attend nursery with common colds.

Nurseries would permenantly be half empty if that happened, and probably a fair percentage of the workforce would be stuck at home as well.

It follows through with pre school and school, and it would be incredibly difficult to educate children if they had to be at home every time they had a minor illness.

NeedACleverNN · 26/04/2016 16:01

In an ideal world, parents would keep their children off as soon as they showed any signs of illness

Unfortunately it's not an ideal world and children will always attend school and nursery whilst under the weather due to work and the strict rules regarding absence

ouryve · 26/04/2016 16:01

Well, people would be put on disciplinary if they took time off work whenever they had a cold and kids spend an awful lot of time with a cold. The only time anyone in otherwise good health, of whatever age, might need to take some time off with a cold is when they actually are too ill to function - eg too lightheaded to drive to work or operate machinery or having a fever and chills and needing to sleep.

chilipepper20 · 26/04/2016 16:03

as mentioned above, schools with their attendance targets encourage this.

I am not sure what to say to you. I agree with other parents here - i'd lose my job if my child stayed home for every sniffle (and frankly, that would be an over reaction as she'd be fine). But I see your problem and all I can say is that I hope your child grows out of it.

It sounds like you don't work (fair enough, single parent), but perhaps seeing it from a working parent point of view might help. Many of us don't get a day off to sort our financial stuff. That happens on the weekend, with the kids around.

NewBallsPlease00 · 26/04/2016 16:06

I understand it's difficult when your child has compromised immunity impacts, however when I then read it was so you could 'get on' with some jobs YBVU
I use nursery ft and never send kids in Ill and it's a pet hate that the one day a week kids come in sick so parents can get on... And I then have to take a week off work with my sick child
My point is 2 fold
Colds aren't 'ill'
People are selfish re illness

SummerHouse · 26/04/2016 16:07

Its not reasonable to keep a child off with a cold. If catching a cold puts a baby in potential danger then they should not be at nursery. Perhaps a child minder or nanny?

imwithspud · 26/04/2016 16:07

YABU, sorry to hear about your DS's medical difficulties. But some children would never attend nursery/pre-school if they were kept off for every little sniffle, and many parents wouldn't be able to hold down a job as a result. It's a very unrealistic expectation for parents to keep their DC off for a common cold unless it's a particularly bad one where the DC is genuinely too unwell to attend.

As he's so little, is it really necessary that he goes once a week? I know you say he enjoys it and it means you get a break but if a cold affects your DS that badly then surely right now the risks outweigh the benefits and maybe it's wise to keep him home until you know more about his condition and whether it's likely to improve or not and then go from there?

Shockingundercrackers · 26/04/2016 16:15

Kids coming home from nursery with colds is part of the deal you strike sending them there. Nurseries just enormous enormous petridishes. When my two started they were riddled with colds and hand foot and mouth etc. It was horrible, but that's just the way it is. Personally, I felt that they could take that hit when they small, or wait and get felled by other kid's bugs when they go to school.

It must be very worrying for you OP, but maybe your son's illness makes him unsuitable for that environment. In the gentlest possible way, you are being a bit unreasonable sending him there. I'm sorry. Flowers

I totally understand that you need a break. Babies are utterly exhausting. Could you try a babysitter/grandparent/childminder/nanny instead?

AppleSetsSail · 26/04/2016 16:16

I can completely appreciate your frustration, but you are being very unreasonable. Flowers

my2bundles · 26/04/2016 16:18

As much as I sympathise with your situation what you are asking for is impossible. You need to consider if this s the rout settling for your baby because you carnt expect everyone else to keep their children at home due to sniffles, sorry.

guinnessguzzler · 26/04/2016 16:21

Not really sure what the solution is here. Our nursery has a clear policy that children don't have to be kept off with colds if they feel well enough to attend.

I suspect if nursery were to notify you of every cold doing the rounds you would end up always keeping your little one off as there's normally at least one child with a snotty nosee at ours. So I'm not sure how much help that would be. I don't know what the solution is, therefore, and it must be very frustrating.

TheBestChocolateIsFree · 26/04/2016 16:22

I agree that nurseries are always giant Petri dishes full of germs. My DD went to nursery part time from the age of 8 months and I really wasn't prepared for just how many bugs she caught. But she was healthy and could cope. I really don't feel they're the right place for a medically vulnerable child.

SouthDownsSunshine · 26/04/2016 16:23

Sorry that your child has these conditions.

There is no way I could keep my dd off nursery with a cold, however. She constantly has them. Nursery are also happy to take her with colds. Even today, they called me up for permission to give her calpol for a mild fever. They told me I didn't need to pick her up if the calpol worked. I did, but it shows that nursery are flexible.

I would never send her in with/after d&v, or something like chickenpox.

Treetopchallenger · 26/04/2016 16:24

Yabu, if they have a fever that is different and should be off nursery.

thebestfurchinchilla · 26/04/2016 16:31

YABU because there is never a time when there isn't something going around with little ones and right the way through primary school. There are guidelines on when to keep your child from school and that id if they have a fever, vomiting in last 24 hours and contagious disease i.e chicken pox. Colds are an everyday occurrence. I don't know your personal circumstances but If it ws that dangerous for my child then I think I would look into other childcare or be a sahm.