Is it unreasonable of parents to send their kids to nursery when they know they have colds? And AIBU to ask this?

[TheCatsMeow]

I originally thought it was, but when talking to people, apparently it's fine because getting the time off work is a bitch and the old "it's good for kids to get colds, it builds their immunity!".

That may be true, but I have a baby with neonatal rhinitis, feeding difficulties and asthma. What might be a mild cold in other children ends up as a chest infection and possible hospitalisation. I know people will say "well that's your problem", but is it unreasonable to expect people to think that there may be kids who are vulnerable or in contact with vulnerable people, and that sending your germ ridden kid in could have real dire consequences? I don't see why my son should have to not go to nursery, which he enjoys, because of something he can't help.

I wouldn't send my son in knowing he was ill, because that's how germs spread. AIBU to ask the nursery to notify me if there are germs going round so I can decide if my son needs to stay home?

The things you're describing are just what life is like with a baby. I've been a lone parent to twins since they were born - they come to doctor's appointments, dentist appointments, hairdresser's, shopping, etc, with me. It's hard to fit in time for chores/admin, but that just has to be done when they're in bed.

It's unrealistic to send him to nursery and expect him not to pick up colds and other illnesses. If it's a real risk to his health then I'd probably take him out. Why's he going 3 days from September, is it when you go back to work? If so, I'd probably seriously start looking for childminders/get on waiting lists as it seems that would be a better option for you with his health issues.

Becky thank you. I am a bit sad, I find it very difficult. I love my son dearly, he's a brilliant boy but it's so difficult.

I probably am being unreasonable about the colds, it's just one thing that makes it even harder for me.

I've been a single parent of more than one child - as many thousands and more people have - and as harsh as it sounds if you're that worried about his health, a nursery should be the LAST place you send him. It's hard being at home, but you have to learn to manage, and eventually you do manage. Rather than a nursery, if you absolutely can't take having him with you 24/7, then I would probably opt for a childminder, nanny or babysitter. There is no way once they start mingling with other children that you can protect them from germs, or expect everyone with ill children to keep them at home. As nice as it would be, it's just not practical.

YABU, I'm afraid - colds are just colds (to most people) and it's unreasonable of you to expect everyone else to take time off to prevent your dc from getting a cold. Catching colds does build up their immunity (though it can be wearing at the time, having a baby with a cold).

Going into nursery with D&V is a big no-no, but a cold is fine. Some kids would be off 6 months of the year if they stayed home with every cold!

I'm not supermum OP. I struggle through the same way other single parents do. And I feel like screaming when DD brings D&V bugs home from nursery because it means that I still have the struggle of finding the money to pay for that day but also have to redistribute all the jobs I'd planned on getting done. Many just don't get done. My point isn't that I'm better than you because I'm really not. My point is that a working person could easily lose their job if nurseries stopped accepting their child when they had a cold but that it's simply extremely inconvenient for me and drives me bonkers.

Seriously though...have a bath. The high chair is your friend.

My four year old gets a viral wheeze when she gets a cold. She gets admitted to hospital everytime she catches a cold and gets put on a nebuliser, we normally have to stay in for 24 hours. Last December she crashed on ward and had to be bagged and then intubated, we ended up in intensive care. It was horrific, and a real eye opener as to how dangerous her condition is and how quickly she can go down hill. Thank god we were in the hospital when it happened. Since then we have been referred to a consultant and had cystic fibrosis ruled out. We have a strong history of asthma in my husband side too but the consultant still won't diagnose asthma as our dd is too young. We have finally been put on daily steroid inhalers which seem to be working.

Despite all this I wouldn't expect anyone with a cold to stay away from her. I'd have to keep her in a bubble if I wanted to avoid cold germs, they are everywhere with young children.

Also, with a cold people are infectious a day or so before the first symptoms appear. They then remain infectious for another 5 days to a week. Adults catch 2-4, kids sometimes 8/year. Nursery would become pointless, there would be no kids there at all.

Have you spoken to your doctor about your stress and migraines? Babys health is important, but so is yours.

I feel for you. I have had two non-napping, non-sleeping babies and it is bloody hard work without the extra health worries. It is not impossible to do these things with your baby, most people do, but the sleep deprivation and relentlessness of it can make it impossible to work out how to do these things.

You say you like e with your mum. Have you try her how you feel and actually asked for more help?

It will get better.

He does sound like hard work OP. Maybe look into a mothers help or baby sitter? They could look after him at home while you are getting on with things and may be cheaper than nursery or a childminder.

Alternatively do you have a Homestart charity near you you could get in touch with? My mum used to volunteer with them - basically would be matched with a family with young child(ren) and would spend for a few hours a week helping out with the children either with the mother, in or out of the house, or while mum went shopping or to doctors or whatever. Anyone who needed a bit of extra help- over the years she's been assigned to a family with triplets, a student mum without much family support, a mum with an older child with SN who needed more attention than most his age, when a new baby arrived. They might be able to help.

Op I'm not getting involved with some of the goad posts. Have you considered an au pair or even a mothers help for a few hours a week or a chidcare student looking for experience? You need someone to entertain your child while at home with you (mostly). And you could have a coffee in peace.

DD is on maternity leave and takes dgd to all her GP and hospital appointments, of which she has many. It's stressful and tiring. Family all live at the other side of the country so while I and her MIL go down it's not as often as we'd like or as often she needs. The nights can be awful and she is exhausted and can't do much in the day other than rush through essentials like laundry. It's so bloody hard being a parent, especially a lone parent, but their needs come first when they're this tiny and if nursery is going to adversely affect your ds's health at the moment, then sadly, he needs an alternative if he is to avoid colds.

Sorry, that made no sense! You live with your mum. Have you told her how you feel and actually asked for more help is what I meant to say.

KeyboardMum yes, I've tried Sumitriptan and it doesn't work for me. My usual strategy of taking cocodamol and sleeping no longer works as I can't sleep all day.

Swirling Yes but my mum takes on a lot of extra stuff, she doesn't say no to people and has health problems of her own. She does help out a lot when she can

I'm glad to hear it gets better!

moggle thanks I will look into that!

I can't believe that on a parenting website people are having a go at the OP for using childcare for an 8 month old when she is a single parent - and both her and the baby have health problems.

get a grip people, this site is for SUPPORT. Just because you coped in your own situation and didn't want childcare - that has no bearing on what the OP wants or needs.

Cats, if you live with your mum, could she not let you have a lie in at the weekend? Does she expect you to do all the housework because she is at work during the day and so thinks you have time? It sounds like your mum is not aware of how you are feeling. It does sound like you are a bit depressed or not enjoying being at home with your baby full time. There is no rule that you HAVE to enjoy it. But you need to tell your mum how you feel if she is expecting you to do the household chores and have the baby for 24/7 7 days a week. Another adult in the house really should make it easier. Just tell her if you need more help.

It does sound like you need to ask your mum to help our more, does she understand how much your struggling?

I'm a single mum, I know just how tough it is to have a child with additional needs. Ds was diagnosed with asthma at 6 months because of the regularity and severity of his symptoms, he is 6 now and not a day goes by when he doesn't need ventolin. It is hard. What I have learnt though is you don't need to be a super mum, you need to do what is needed to get by and that includes asking for help.

I'm sorry but I do think it is unreasonable to expect children not to attend nursery with minor sniffles for the same reasons many others have already stated. But in order to ensure you can continue to get a break have you considered changing to a childminder? As they will be dealing with fewer children anyway and you may be able to come to a better understanding with a childminder and any of the other parents who use them. Just a thought.

No she doesn't expect me to do everything! She does washing ironing and cooking for all of us, I put stuff away and clean the kitchen and bathroom. It's just DS is very very full on so even minor jobs are difficult, he doesn't like to sit in a chair and doesn't nap so unless I can have him in sight and keep an eye out to ensure his safety I can't do anything.

It's probably me just being crap at multitasking.

I feel for you. It is so hard sometimes. People often sound like supermums on mumsnet because they have all the answers, but they're bound to have struggled too. It just doesn't come out in their post.
Migraines are a nightmare when you're on your own with children. You just have to get through it. DVDs are your friend. I promise it gets easier.
I'd definitely speak to your mum. Even if she can't do much more in a practical sense, at least she is someone you can talk to. A sympathetic ear makes a huge difference. That's why Children's centres and NCT groups are good, because you can meet other parents who are experiencing the same.
An au pair / home help sounds like a good idea.

I can't tell you the amount of times I've had a wiff of myself and thought, gosh I wish I could just jump in the shower now but my child has had other ideas....!! My life has changed standards have seriously slipped since having children but it gets better!

Gosh OP you've had some pretty mean responses. I answered yabu to your question but you don't deserve to be questioned over the severity of your DCs illness and your need to have some time off. I hope you can find a way through this. As a pp said often children are infectious before symptoms so it's impossible to keep children away from viruses etc, however nurseries are a real breeding ground due to so many children in one space and shared toys etc. Can anyone else take him to give you some time and he can still socialise at the park or with a smaller mums and tots group to reduce the risk.

YANBU to ask nursery to notify you. But with respect they would be ringing you every day, and they would probably prefer to be spending the time caring for little ones.

YABU to expect parents to keep children off with a cold.

I have a high needs 2 year old with a compromised immune system (she had the most difficult start in life any child could have and is severely disabled). I also have a 4 year old, health problems of my own, a family 200 miles away, a full time job. I'm back and forth to hospital as it is with her, and I for sure would lose my job if I kept each child off each time they had a cold. I do sympathise with your situation and if - unlike me - you do not subscribe to the "it builds their immunity" theory, then I think you should remove your child from that setting and find an alternative, if you really do need a day to yourself (what luxury!)

It sounds like you could do with sleep training your child to give you some time in the evenings - have you tried seeking advice on that section of these forums?

FWIW my DD2 copes much better now with illnesses and that may be just because she's grown and is stronger, or it may be because her immunity has been built up by exposure to germs. We can never know.

In my experience, most parents with poorly or disabled children use a nanny. Costs are higher of course but this is the most appropriate childcare. Im surprised nursery has agreed to look after your DS tbh. Nurseries and childminders around here would not do.

Perhaps if you feel it's so much of a risk to send him he shouldn't go.

I work with newborn babies and I have to go to work if I have a bad cold.

When dd was younger if I hadn't sent her to nursery/school every time she had a cold her attendance would have been about 50% and I would have been fired.

Op, it does, 8-9 months was the absolute worst point with both of mine sleep-wise. If he is into everything, I take it he is crawling? Do you have a safe space you can put him like a travel cot or playpen? He may not like it, but honestly you need this so that you have a few minutes to pay a bill or make a sandwich for yourself. You need to eat lunch. Can you not eat when he eats? I know it's difficult sometimes. When mine got too much at this age, I would put them in the pram and just pound the pavements for 1/2 an hour eating as I went. It didn't look great but honestly who cares?