Is it unreasonable of parents to send their kids to nursery when they know they have colds? And AIBU to ask this?

[TheCatsMeow]

I originally thought it was, but when talking to people, apparently it's fine because getting the time off work is a bitch and the old "it's good for kids to get colds, it builds their immunity!".

That may be true, but I have a baby with neonatal rhinitis, feeding difficulties and asthma. What might be a mild cold in other children ends up as a chest infection and possible hospitalisation. I know people will say "well that's your problem", but is it unreasonable to expect people to think that there may be kids who are vulnerable or in contact with vulnerable people, and that sending your germ ridden kid in could have real dire consequences? I don't see why my son should have to not go to nursery, which he enjoys, because of something he can't help.

I wouldn't send my son in knowing he was ill, because that's how germs spread. AIBU to ask the nursery to notify me if there are germs going round so I can decide if my son needs to stay home?

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

YABU. As much as it must be stressful having an ill child, and worrying about the impacts about everything, you cannot expect everyone to keep their child off with every snotty nose because you want time to do your housework. And I'm not judging you for wanting some time to yourself, because I am unable to work, and my DS went to playschool from two, but effectively you're doing it for leisure time, when he is eight months old, and really has no need to be there. You've said yourself that you don't know exactly what the situation with his health is yet. Why not just wait until you do know before sending him to a nursery? You have when he is in bed and napping to get on with 'finances'.

[imwithspud]

But you have time to post on mn? Use the time spent on mn to do the chores and tasks you so desperately need time for.

[TheCatsMeow]

toobreathless he was diagnosed due to a strong family history of asthma, as well as his current symptoms and that ventolin relieves his symptoms. He also has allergies and a strong family history of hayfever, asthma, eczema and associated allergies. I trust that my son's doctor knows what she's talking about.

Unfortunately there aren't any available. I did try

[TheCatsMeow]

Spud I post while watching him. If I so much as let him out my sight he wrecks havoc. I can easily get my phone out while still keeping an eye on him.

[ImNotThatGirl]

YABU as hard as it is when your child is poorly. Having time to yourself like that is a luxury which you obviously cannot afford if it's making your child unwell.

[Emus]

Whilst I do understand your frustration, I think yabu to expect children with the common cold to stay away from nursery. YANBU to expect children with other illnesses such as croup/hand, foot & mouth/chicken pox etc to stay away though.

Maybe a change in plan from a nursery to a childminder would be more suitable for your son? It won't take away the risk but I should imagine the risk will be reduced.

Sorry he's so seriously effected, it must be tough.

[TheCatsMeow]

It isn't a luxury. Say I don't send him. When do I have time to go to doctors appointments, which I have many of due to health? When do I have time to sort household affairs out? When do I have time to get an extra 2 hours sleep when I've been up at 11, 1, 3 and 5 for the past week? When do I get time to have a bloody bath?

I don't even eat lunch most days because I have no time when I'm watching DS. The reason he's there isn't even relevant.

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

You take him with you. Like everyone else does. It is a luxury. I have several health conditions - DS still comes with me if I haven't got child care. You nap when he does. You shower or bath with a baby monitior in the bathroom with you if you need to.

Adjusting to parenting IS hard. It's even harder when you are doing it alone (and I did, I understand). It's harder still when there are health concerns. But this is a luxury, he doesn';t NEED to be there. So if it's not working, stop taking him. You say you don't want to wrap him in cotton wool, but the reality of him being out in the world seems to scare you more.

Are you getting support from the GP for yourself?

[Sothatsflatwhite]

I think it's important to have time for yourself for your sanity,but maybe nursery is the wrong place to look for it if it has a negative impact on your son. You have to weigh up the pros and cons.
For what it's worth, I'm not a single parent but for the first 3 years the only time I had to myself was when DD was asleep. It can be done.

Also, people can be infectious without displaying significant cold symptoms. It's impossible to expect everyone to miss nursery at any sign of a cold, which is what you'd need in order to reach this elusive utopia where there are hardly any colds and people recover quickly

[budgiegirl]

OP, I sympathise, I really do, of course you feel you need a break from full time childcare, especially when you are a single parent with a child with medical needs. Everyone needs a break sometimes!

But unfortunately kids with colds will go to nursery. I know you say your DS enjoys it, but it's probably not worth risking his health over. Could you try finding a regular babysitter instead, perhaps try the local college, see if any teenagers are looking for a few hours work after college, or at weekends.

[Emus]

Sorry, didn't read before posting - can see that a childminder isn't an option at the moment. Perhaps you could get yourself onto a waitlist for one though in the meantime?

Having time to yourself IS important so I hope you can figure something out or that your sons health starts to improve as he gets older.

[ElderlyKoreanLady]

It isn't a luxury. Say I don't send him. When do I have time to go to doctors appointments, which I have many of due to health? When do I have time to sort household affairs out? When do I have time to get an extra 2 hours sleep when I've been up at 11, 1, 3 and 5 for the past week? When do I get time to have a bloody bath?

I don't even eat lunch most days because I have no time when I'm watching DS. The reason he's there isn't even relevant.

OK, I'm a single parent so I do know how difficult these things are. And I'm sorry to say this but the day in childcare in order to get stuff done really is a luxury. A luxury I now pay for but that I've not always had.

DD comes with me to the doctor. If I really needed a bath and haven't had a chance, I used to bring her high chair to the bathroom and she'd sit and play there. To this day I still clean only when she's asleep, though I'll now do the dishes while she chats to me. If I'm up a lot in the night I have to power through. It doesn't mean that having a day without work and with childcare isn't a luxury. It is. It isn't essential but makes things easier.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

But, Cats, you're just describing a typical life that lots of parents with 8 months old have, and a lot of them don't have the luxury of a free day to catch up with stuff because they're at work during the day and then spending time with their baby during the evening. People just have to get on with it. And there are many people that have more than one child - with one it's relatively easy.

I was lucky - I was able to be a SAHM, but this also meant that I took my kids to most of my doc appointments. Occasionally my mum would mind them eg when I had a smear test!

You just have to prioritise. Your child's health takes priority at the moment so you really shouldn't be sending him to nursery when it isn't essential. My eldest didn't go till he was nearly 3 and did not miss out (now 12 and doing well at grammar school so no educational disadvantage from not starting at an age as young as yours)

If you have no family help, I get that you might need a break but I really think you need to be doing your utmost to find him a childminder instead of a nursery if you really do need to send him to nursery for your own sake.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

And what do you expect the nursery to do when a member of staff gets a cold? Do you have any idea how difficult it is maintaining adequate staffing levels in nurseries? The staff will only ever take time off when they are desperately ill, because otherwise there is terrible pressure on staffing levels - would you rather the whole nursery closed for the day because 2 members of staff are off with a cold?

[waterrat]

Op of course you should use childcsre if you need time. As you say...parents of 8 month olds who are in a couple will get plenty of little breaks that you don't have. I cannot imagine how relentless it must feel.

As a working parent both my children were in childcare from 6 months part time and they loved it. Not sure why on earth people are telling you it is a luxury. Some people can't bear other people to have what they didn't have themselves.

Good on you for finding the care you need to cope mentally. Hardly a luxury a day a week as single parent.

However. ...yab v u reasonable re. Colds.

Look out for a nanny share or childminder although to be honest my children have got plenty of bugs and colds from the kids at the childminders. And no I wpuld never keep them home with a cold.

[paxillin]

We used FT nursery because we both worked. If a child was really sick, of course we stayed home, there was no choice. But for colds they went in and we went to work. All the parents there did it. For appointments you can take baby if you have to, most workplaces you can't. That's what people mean when they say it is a luxury, it's not that cleaning is a luxury, but you don't need childcare to clean or bathe or go to the GP.

[TheCatsMeow]

He doesn't nap! So I can't do things when he naps, he doesn't have them.

Well maybe a lot of parents with kids are just so much better at it than me then aren't they. Because I can't do all that in a day. I'm not superwoman like all these other mums seem to be.

[Diddlydokey]

Yabu. Surely you're better off doing administration & housework when he's napping and asleep rather than risking nursery germs.

I send ds with a cold. I need to work

[Gazelda]

OP, I can sense how relentless it must feel. I can't imagine how hard it is to be a single parent of a baby with health difficulties.

But surely you can see that other parents shouldnt be put in difficult situations (ie worried about losing their job because f the amount of time they're taking of for a child's cold/cough) so that you can have a day a week to catch up on your chores? And why is DS going 3 days a week from Sept?

I truly think the best solution for you is a childminder. Or would your DM or another relative have him for an afternoon once every few weeks?

You must feel dead on your feet from having such disrupted sleep, so I hope things soon improve for you and DS.

[Diddlydokey]

X - post

Presumably he goes to bed at night. The same applies.

[waterrat]

Op you need what you need. So f ing what if people say they don't need a break from their child. They may be lying or they may be unusual.
What about a mothers help who could take him on his own.

[KeyboardMum]

It's usually good for kids to contract illnesses from nursery (with your case and cases like it being an exception).

It must make you feel very anxious.

I think that it's a good idea to keep up to speed with the bugs going around. Is there anything you can do to help boost your sons immune system in the meantime?

[SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend]

When I first started sending my son to nursery, I did feel uncomfortable seeing the copious amounts of snot going on, and my mum-buddies and I were very courteous in postponing play dates if our little ones had colds, so as not to pass it around. But the nursery manager told me gently that if I didn't send him when he had a cold, she'd probably never see him. And she was right! A year of bringing home fresh colds every week has served him well, though, he rarely comes down with bad colds now.

And now my daughter is going for her first time, and bringing home the copious snot and coughs and colds.. the joys of nursery! They're not allowed to go within 24hrs of having been sick, and I'm scrupulous about that - and would hope other parents would be too, but needs must sometimes, I'm sure.

As a few people have mentioned, I don't know if childminders work out cost-effectively, but it may put your mind at ease.

[TheCatsMeow]

Gazelda because I'm starting some training, so he will have to go. That's another reason I've started sending him, so that he will be used to it and won't have to worry about him settling in while taking on something.

It's unrealistic I suppose, I just find it frustrating because it causes lots of problems.

We live with my mum, so I can't expect her to help out in the day because she hears him at night. She helps when she can but she works and I currently don't, plus I don't feel it's fair on her.

I think it's the lack of sleep that's making me so anxious and upset about this. I keep getting migraines and then having to look after an ill baby when you have a migraine is very difficult.

[BeckyMcDonald]

I had a very, very high needs first baby OP. It was hellish for the first year but I promise you that then it gradually started getting better. He's an angel now at 5. You've just got to get through this bit. It's a lot easier when they can talk to you and tell you what they want. for you because you sound sad.

YABU about the colds but I'm sure you've heard enough about that already