AIBU to ask if you weren't maternal/ wasn't a fan of children...whether you had children yourself..?

[Brighttulips]

....And if so, how did it turn out?

I am just not maternal, in the slightest. I don't look at children at all and find them endearing or cute (apart from a couple of exceptions and that's only occasionally!)

I am 32 next month and am thinking that perhaps my maternal/ biological clock will never start ticking. Maybe I will never be a fan of children or desperately long for one of my own....but time isn't on my side anymore, my DP would love to have children and he'd make a fantastic father. I would want to be married first, but I guess, really if I am going to do it, I would need to start TTC by the time I was about 34.

Has anyone ever just taken the plunge and found that they adored their own child...just never anyone else's?

I don't think I'd ever held a baby in my life until I was 39. Not only was I totally uninterested in having any of my own, I just really didn't like babies at all. Couldn't see what all the fuss was about. I used to think it would be handy if there were a vending machine where pre-cooked children aged about six or seven would emerge, and then at least you could have a conversation with them. The number one thing I dreaded the most (and still to this day am not keen on) is when someone on mat leave brought their baby into the office and we all were supposed to flock around cooing at it...

Anyway, I never really saw myself as a mother at all and even used to say ever so slightly cutting things about people who went on Mumsnet But then aged 39 I found myself unintentionally unexpectedly pregnant and the Rest Is History. I now have a 3 year old. I am still not hugely keen on babies tbh but

1. it IS different when it's your own
2. to some extent, you fake it until you make it. Even if it's not love at first sight and you don't turn into a blithering drooling idiot when your baby first arrives, your sense of responsibility kicks in, you get to know your baby, and you quickly (pure survival) learn how to navigate the treacherous swamps of how to behave/what to say to HVs, other mothers etc - it's kind of like learning lines for a play which you then perform so many times it stops being a performance
3. they grow up. I won't lie - unless you're someone who really likes babies the first year or two can be a bit of a slog. You put huge amount of effort in and you don't get a lot back. But once they can walk and talk and help make their own dinner, which mine can at the age of 3 and a bit, it gets miles better.

It's not something I would have deliberately chosen, but I am glad it happened the way it did because my child is great.

Also the other key thing is that having had him relatively late, I probably don't mind so much about all the things I've given up now to have him. I think if I were younger and hadn't already had the opportunity to do two degrees, do lots of travelling and make progress in my career etc, I might find it harder to cope with the hard work & huge change of lifestyle that parenting has involved.

Utterly disinterested. Completely. Held them in front of me with outstretched arms until I had my own.
I still dislike children generally but love my own.
I hated small babies the most of all

Not maternal at all then fell pregnant at 41 and turned into a hen. It was instant love heaven and earth stuff but she was stillborn so lots of mixed emotions going on. Then it was the most important thing to get Pregnant again. Ds and DD are the centre of my world but not all of it. I like the balance of sensibility vs mothering they seem well adjusted and we chug along ok just the three of us now DH couldn't cope.

You can't imagine how much you will love your own kids until you have them. I wasn't particularly maternal, didn't have my kids until my mid-thirties - if I hadn't got round to it or it hadn't happened I wouldn't have known what I was missing, but so, so glad I did. There is no one I'd rather spend my time with. Your own kids are nothing like anyone else's.

I am only 23 but from knowing my own mind I knew I had wanted to travel and have a career. I wanted to go to uni and live in halls, I wanted to experience life. Have a 'sweep me off my feet' romance and only have myself to please.

I fell pregnant at 18, and had my DD at 19. She wasn't planned. I love her so so so much, but I wish it could have waited until I was a little older. I was so young and had so much in me to give. I wouldn't change her for the world though.

And I can't stand other people's kids.

P

I haven't rtft yet, as should be working! But...I am not maternal at all, don't find other people's DCs endearing - I can objectively say that one is cute or laugh when they do something funny etc but I don't feel any particular warmth towards them.

My DS1 was a bit unplanned but I honestly thought he was the most beautiful child to have ever graced the earth when he was born, he was clever, funny etc. He was never very cuddly or affectionate (showed ASD traits from an early age) but I felt like I'd done a pretty good job with him, so went on to have 2 more.

My DCs are wonderful, I love them to bits, I don't gush about them or expect anyone else to find them as riveting as I do, but actually lots of people do tell me how funny and clever they are, which is reassuring - I am doing good stuff here as an unmumsy mum!

I work as a childminder, which is an odd choice for someone who doesn't love kids, but actually I find it helps me to be objective as I see them all the same, there's no favouritism and I am utterly professional with them, as a teacher might be, rather than a family friend or aunty etc.

The only stumbling block is with my DP's DCs as he is very gushy about them, will sit and say 'ah look how adorable she looks' etc and I find it difficult to express my feelings on that. To me, even my own DCs aren't 'adorable' and while his are lovely, I don't see them often enough to have developed any kind of bond, so being with someone who desperately wants to share those loving parental pride moments is hard, especially as he DOES seem to love my DCs

But I would say, other people's DCs and your own are a world apart, so don't worry about it!

I'm not maternal at all but love DD to bits.

Other people's kids, less so, though I am very polite. Unless, as in the past, they keep interrupting to show you their dance/puppet show.

Not keen on kids in general, though as a teacher this apparently should never be said, if you listen to some poster on MN. I love my subject and love teaching it to others who, mostly, have been kids.

I was you at 32, op (exactly when I fell pregnant for the first time). My husband was ultra keen, which put me off even more - that and the fact that he spent the first year of our daughter's life acting like a Cbeebies presenter. He certainly doesn't do that now and is probably grumpier than I am.

I did struggle with the early years with both of mine but more so with my first, which is always a shock - especially if you have mixed feelings, which caused a lot of guilt. There were other events that came into play at the same time - job losses on both sides, lack of family support, fallings out with extended family and a death in the family so we didn't exactly have a good start. I think having stability in your life - financial, emotional - is very important. If you have that, you are halfway there, although there are no guarantees, of course.

I am past the baby stage now. Mine are 7 and 12. I enjoy them much, much more even with the inevitable teenage stuff that is starting to rear its ugly head because they have their own personalities and I can talk to them properly now.

A lot of the problems of today's society is that there's so much angst about parenting. I am a child of the 70s. My mother certainly didn't think about whether she wanted them. She's pretty honest about the fact that we drove her nuts when we were younger but is adamant she loves having us now and clearly doesn't regret it.

Nowadays, motherhood is almost seen as a vocation, something give meaning to our lives and to bring us 24/7 joy and not something we just do, as was the case in the 70s. We are supposed to laugh and engage and stimulate our children and be the best possible parent. Apart from the sleepless nights, I was equally shocked at how competitive parenting had become and how bitchy other mums could be about quite trivial things, which are nothing more than phases and variations of the norm that pass.

This is all by the by. Every experience is unique. I thought I'd had mine late but there are parents at the school gates who are in their 50s so you have more time than you think if you don't want to have children quite yet. Saying that, you don't have to wait for the perfect moment either or the epiphany that may never come. It will work itself out. After all, it did in the 70s.

Makes me laugh stuff like this.......Whether you wanted/want children or not......WE WERE ALL CHILDREN ONCE?!

Love my 2 more than anything.......but wouldn't do it again........EVER!! it's bloody hard work!

Makes me laugh stuff like this.......Whether you wanted/want children or not......WE WERE ALL CHILDREN ONCE?! I'm not sure what you mean? Of course we were all children once, that doesn't necessarily mean than one would automatically want to be a parent oneself.

I always assumed that I wouldn't have children because I just didn't want to. I changed my mind when I was about 35, I'm not sure why. Met DH when I was 34, my sister had a baby who I adore/d. I just changed my mind.

I think everyone is aware they were children once

I are you saying that as we've all said we don't like other people's children? Yes, I was once s child myself and even then I didn't like all of the other children around me. Does anyone like everyone?

I was never particularly maternal although I did think babies were cute. Most of my child bearing years I wasn't in a serious relationship (or was in and out of them) so I 'didn't think about what I couldn't have' (for me I wanted to be married before having children).

I met dh at 32, married him at 36, and had ds at 38, he's now 14. It's going great. I've realized I'll never be that 'she's a natural mother' type person. But ds loves me, and love him like crazy.

I don't think you have anything to worry about!

I recognise so much of what's been said...37 & got 6month old... Still can't relate to other children but now experiencing being a mum wish started earlier as would have more...it's amazing how they fill a gap which I didn't know existed b4

I went from not liking children much to being desperate for my own in about five minutes. I just woke up one morning aged 32 and knew I wanted to be married and have a family. Was living with partner at the time. Within 2 years was married with a child. Then had second one. Love both of my children to bits although I didn't enjoy being pregnant or having small children, so much so that I used to dread weekends when I couldn't go to work to escape them. But now 20 years on I love them and could spend days and days with them quite happily.

I still don't like other people's kids though and do dread being a granny.

I think I'll enjoy being a Granny. You get to coo over them then hand them back. I'd quite like to be Auntie too but unlikely now

Nope, not maternal, didn't feel a great need, our first was an accident and second was planned. Still not the most motherly person but can safely say my dcs are the best thing on the planet to me. It is utterly different when they're yours.

Me. I fell pregnant at 27. I Did not like anyone else's baby and I certainty didn't mean to fall pregnant with this one. I am so in love with her now and I think she's amazing x1000000. She's 3.5 and I loved her so much I had another one who is now 9 months. I think he's amazing too!!! I still don't like anyone else's kids that much!!

Yea same to many... no plans to have kids ever, then got pregnant by accident and had the whole 'struck by magical lightning bolt of intense love, best moment of entire life' thing when kidlet popped out. Hugely maternal now, but other peoples kids can still take or leave...like them in relatively short doses etc.

I'm not maternal and ended up having four kids of my own. DH is broody enough for the both of us and would have more, given half the chance.
I do love our kids ( most of the time) but I'm definitely not a helicopter parent. And I don't cope very well around other people's children. I always feel awkward around them.

I was NEVER maternal. Fell pregnant accidentally at 38, struggled for the first four years (well documented on another thread) came through the other side and now I utterly adore my 8yr old DS

Happy with my own child but was never maternal or broody. Find babies and the baby years pretty boring. Think our one DC has fulfilled my parenting needs as really no desire for another. Had four kids here today aged between 2 and 4 years old and its confirmed that I am best suited to only having one child.