AIBU to ask if you weren't maternal/ wasn't a fan of children...whether you had children yourself..?

[Brighttulips]

....And if so, how did it turn out?

I am just not maternal, in the slightest. I don't look at children at all and find them endearing or cute (apart from a couple of exceptions and that's only occasionally!)

I am 32 next month and am thinking that perhaps my maternal/ biological clock will never start ticking. Maybe I will never be a fan of children or desperately long for one of my own....but time isn't on my side anymore, my DP would love to have children and he'd make a fantastic father. I would want to be married first, but I guess, really if I am going to do it, I would need to start TTC by the time I was about 34.

Has anyone ever just taken the plunge and found that they adored their own child...just never anyone else's?

I was never very maternal, didn't dislike children but didn't feel particularly comfortable around them and having children wasn't something I particularly planned on.
Turns out children are my favourite kind of people.

Yep. 2 of the buggers.

Turned out that part of the lack of maternal instinct was down to the husband I had at the time - more like already a child.

As soon as things got serious with DH, I realised I actually did have a biological clock, though. I'd always been of the opinion that I wouldn't mind being a parent if they turned up around the age of 10, with all the worst of the whiny fuckery over and done with.

Well, not only did I end up with 2 of them, they both have SN. I've slotted into the role of being their mum fairly well, though other things have had to be given up , as a result.

My youngest is 10, next week. It's a relief.

Absolutely agree with the majority of posters on this thread. I like children in general, but don't find babies cute, I'm never in the queue for a cuddle when colleagues bring in their babies. I find conversations with other people's kids challenging, and although I always wanted children of my own, it was more as an abstract concept, rather than a burning desire. I love my son with all my heart and have no trouble interacting with him, cuddling him, talking to him, but having him has not made me like other people's kids more! I even struggle with my nephew.

elspeth - woman after my own heart :o

My eldest is now well into puberty and I alternate between wanting to sob my heart out and needing to giggle at the most ridiculous stuff. He goes into the most spectacular rants :( and the most spectacular rants :o

I am roughly 70% certain I would like kids (it sort of hit me in my early 30s, before I was fairly anti having children) but my wife is about 90% certain she doesn't.

I wholly understand why she doesn't want children and I would rather be with her without children, than have a child with anyone else, nor do i think our happiness is absolutely predicated on having a child, but I sometimes worry that I will miss out on something wonderful and life enriching.

Having similar concerns myself at 32+5, so a bit late for me.

About to take a nap and hear children's voices talking about a chocolate lab. Realise I have a dog that could be mistaken for a chocolate lab and run outside to find two children (maybe 8 at the most) with their hands through my gate being licked by my dog. Our gate is well back from the street so they were well on to our property.

Tried to tell them about the dangers of approaching a strange dog, especially on their property when the owner isn't present. Was told they don't have to listen to me because of 'stranger danger' and I may be trying to lure them in to my truck. They were already on my property and patting my fucking dog, bit late to be worrying about stranger danger.

I fucking hate children!!!

Sorry just realised that was no help. I just needed a rant.

In answer to your question I have a few friends who share my views on children, who love their own kids to pieces.

People always laugh when I tell them that I don't really care for children, perhaps because I have three children. :) My children are delightful - fun, funny, smart, sassy, amazing human beings. As are my nieces and nephews. Most other children, bleh.

I'm 32 and I've got an 8 week old DD. For years I was torn between loving and mostly hating the idea of being a Mum. I can just about tolerate my Niece and I can give her back!

Now I have my own DD, I've come to the conclusion that I love my own but dislike other people's children. I'm still not 100% loving motherhood and there are bad days but then she smiles and it's amazing.

Victoria319 You're on AIBU right now, so you clearly don't stick to only the Mumsnet boards that are about conception or babies or toddlers.

A person without children may want to discuss Brexit or Jane Austen or Beko fridges or unreasonable SILs or striped blazers or the benefits of remortgaging or The Night Manager or frozen onions.

And where else could they do all of those things on one website?

They may also want to talk about children - not having them in your house does not mean they are not in your life.

I didn't want "children" because people always ask that in the plural. Like a swarm or flock of them.

Once I got my head round the fact that one child is perfectly ok I was happy to go ahead. Dh and I are happy with one. He's changed our lives a lot but not beyond recognition which I think 2 or 3 children would have for us.

Yes! Always couldn't be doing with other folk's kids, babysat my nephew twice in 4 years, just wasn't interested at all.
My hubby was desperate for a family so agreed a deadline 3 years down the line on my 30th. On my 30th, I got really drunk and cried a lot as I just felt it wasn't me. Anyway, sobered up and said we'd see how it went. Came off pill and was working away from home, so wasn't expecting much. Fell pregnant within 2 weeks lol! Had a terrible pregnancy (lost 4 stone with extreme morning sickness and 8 weeks on crutches for pgp) then was in labour for 2 days then had to have an emergency c section. As they were stitching me back together, they had my son in the little fishbowl cradle at the side of me and he was just looking at me and I felt this absolute flood of love that I've never lost for him. He's now 2 and the most funny, cheeky, crazy little boy who amazes my hubby and I every single day with new things he learns. That said, I still can't be doing with other people's kids, and we will never have another child. I often think to myself how sad and dull my life would have been without him. Having my son has pushed me to apply for a new job with a much higher salary that I got, and I am actually very good at. Again, I thought I'd lose opportunities like that with having a family and its quite the opposite.

"I always say to those who say they don't want dc, how do you know?"
I knew I never wanted chidren because:

• I never really liked dolls as a child. Soft toys/teddies were my thing.
• I've never been broody
• I don't really like kids. I can't stand the noise and the behaviour. I even found friends' younger siblings very irritating (in fairness they were, but being typical kids I suppose)
• I never did the babysitting thing as a teen and never felt I was missing out.
• I never cooed and ahhed at babies. I don't find them cute at all.
• The thought of pregnancy was/still is horrifying. It's a parasite and I'd want it out of me ASAP. I never, ever took a chance with contraception.
• The thought of giving birth was/still is horrifying
• I don't do sleep deprivation well at all and don't think I'd cope
• I don't want to be puked on or deal with shitty nappies
• I don't fancy the role of parent

I've felt this since I was a teen, and younger. I'm now 48, child free by choice and feel exactly the same. Thank god I never fell in love long enough and thought I'd have DC with a bloke because no doubt he'd be an ex by now and I'd hate having to deal with him. I read the stories of mismatched parenting, divorce and co-parenting, and think thank god I don't have to do that shit.

On the other hand I've always been a massive animal lover. I've known that from a very early age, so I recognise the feelings of "this is for me" (being nurturing towards animals) and "this is not for me" (being a parent).

HTH.

""You'll never know unless you try" is a risky approach to take to something that can never be undone, and that has so much influence over another person's life."

Totally agree. I was shocked when discussing sterilisation with a family planning nurse, she said "but what if you fall in love and want a child to please your husband?" I was too shocked to say anything but I remember thinking that if I wanted to do something to please a partner it would be safer to keep it along the lines of oral sex, not taking a chance that my non-existant maternal instinct would kick in and turn me into parent of the year. I just found her attitude so out dated, as though I couldn't possibly know my own mind on such an important matter, yet this was only 20 years ago.

A pretty comprehensive response, there, Bollocks

Good for you Bollocks (), you made a decision and you made damn sure it didn't happen accidentally. The problem is the people who feel like you but don't take precautions and then resent motherhood. Thankfully happens less these days with all the contraceptive options but still does..

Dear Balls and Beard
Thank you
Regards
Bollocks

I was never maternal, I found other peoples children difficult and didn't know how to be around them. I'd never babysat and enjoyed my selfish partying lifestyle.

Then I fell pregnant and it was like I had been living my life by candle light and suddenly someone had thrown open the curtains and beautiful daylight had flooded in. I felt truly happy.

As I write this post my little girl is curled up on me, fast asleep. I love her more than I ever thought it was possible to love. She is everything.

That being said. I'm still not great with other people's kids

I never really wanted DC and certainly have never ever been broody even up to this day. I often think I'm a little odd as I can't relate to women's feelings of 'broodiness' etc.

At 36 I became pregnant, I wanted to terminate and attended appointment with my partner. At the assessment they gave me a date to come back but urged me to give it lots of thought. My partner wanted to keep our DC.

We did, and now have an amazing little dd who is almost 6 and adored by us.

I am truly unmaternal....the birth to me was a chosen surgical Elcs which was amazing. I chose to ff from birth which was fantastic.

I am not a great lover of DC in general. Dd is really cool but I never want to hold new babies and am always delighted to pass them back.

Often wonder what 'broody' must feel like

I felt reasonably broody and was happy to get pregnant. I liked pregnancy and birth and I love my children and I like their friends, or my friends' children - but children en masse drain the life out of me.

Funnily enough, the thing I dislike most about parenthood is the fragility of other parents: the ones who are struggling a bit so they come across as totally sanctimonious, or they tell you all about what they think they're doing right and how other people simply cannot do it well enough. I was surprised to see a close friend (pre-children) go this way and was surprised by how many parents take an active and destructive interest in the surface appearance of the lives of others. Perhaps MN is not where I should be :grin:

Anyway, most kids are great, better as they get older, and I only occasionally regret it.

Yes, I felt this way. I don't like children really. I like my friends children as I get to know them as people and I adore DS but don't like random children much.
We ttc cautiously and then had a mc and then I was desperate to be pregnant. It took a long time but eventually we had DS, now nearly 4. We love being parents but not so much we ever want to do it again!
Having one is great as you still get a bit of adult time as well.

I suggest you spend some time around kids - volunteer for scouts or a sports team to get some exposure to school age children, and either babysit for or hang out with any new mum friends to see what it's like day to day with a baby or toddler. I think, if you're not into cute little babies, then motherhood will basically be a grind for the first few years and then your pay off is when your kids hit about 5 or so and they start to embrace reason and be interesting.

As someone who never felt the least bit maternal and had two kids (wanted to have older children/adult children in my life, never mad keen on babies) I found that I didn't feel that sort of unknowable rush of love that people sometimes talk about - I love them, I concern myself with their happiness, and I'd do anything to protect them, but it comes from a sense of duty and not a rush of love. Everyone's different

To add- I hated being pregnant, I had a CS which was brilliant, the thought of birth was awful. I FF from birth which was much better for me. You don't have to be an earth mother to be a good mummy. DS is all about mummy

I have completely lacked any maternal feeling my whole life. In all seriousness I do sometimes wonder if I'm missing some vital part of my emotional make up.

However, I got married and had 3 children and although I found the baby and child stages very hard, partly because I stress easily, I now have a really good close relationship with my 2 DDs and although I'm not so close with my DS, we have a good relationship, and can I talk about anything with all of them.

There is a part of me that wonders if I would have been happier during my 30s and 40s if I hadn't had children, but I love my DC deeply, and knowing them as adults is something I wouldn't have missed for the world.

I also had a CS as couldn't bear the thought of giving birth, didn't breastfeed... It's all about the love.