Housework - who ibu?

[nobilityobliges]

I am 25 and getting married to my boyfriend of five years this summer. He is fantastic, and I love him very much. Pretty much the only problem in our relationship arises out of arguments about housework.

I am a really messy person. On top of this, I am currently working as a trainee solicitor in a big London firm, which means that I often don't get in til 9 or 10pm, sometimes have to work weekends. So I have a limited amount of free time, which I don't want to spend doing housework.

My fiancé, on the other hand, is pretty houseproud, and mess stresses him out. I try to accommodate him, and am a lot tidier than I would otherwise be. I also pay for a cleaner to come weekly. He still does more housework though. However, he has a lot more free time than me - he has been at home finishing his phd for a while, and now he has finished it, he is brushing up his coding skills (a different area from his phd) before beginning a job in that area in a few months time (he already has the job). I think this is a good career move and support him in it. I supported him financially through the last year of his phd, and am still supporting him now (ie I pay rent/council tax/food bills/going out etc). I'm happy to do this, and he is really working hard getting his skills up to speed and is definitely not just lazing around the house while I'm at work.

But my fiancé still just brings up my messiness a lot. For example, there will often be a buildup of my breakfast/dinner stuff in the sink (my bf washes up as he goes). I also often just leave stuff lying round -- eg my make up on the sofa after I apply it in the morning then rush out without putting it away, coffee cups round the living room, clothes in a pile on the chair in our room rather than put away etc etc. Nothing major, but definitely quite a bit of general mess. My fiancé thinks that this stuff is completely unreasonable and that I'm completely selfish for not being tidier.

My view is that (1) it's my flat too, and he has to accept that we'll be meeting in the middle mess-wise, (2) I am working very hard at a job, and it's unreasonable to expect me to also spend ages on housework, when this is something I fundamentally don't give a shit about and (3) I am contributing a lot by paying the rent and bills, so even if he ends up doing more housework than me, it's still a fair split.

The problem is that when I raise the fact that I am paying bills he gets very upset, and tells me that I'm trying to control him financially, and that if it was a man telling a woman this I'd be up in arms etc. I just don't know what's right. I do make an effort, but I'm not going to transform into a really tidy person, and I feel he should cut me some slack. I also acknowledge that he is putting every effort into increasing his future earning potential, but also feel that my current financial contribution shouldn't count for nothing either.

We seem to spend so much of our time arguing about this, and it's bringing me down. Any views or advice would be appreciated! Sorry this is so long....

I completely agree with the comments about gender here (ie him feeling he doesn't want to be in the female role of cleaning) btw and have thought them myself. Just not sure what to do with them. I've tried talking about this when we're not actually arguing about cleaning, but he just can't seem to see. I think it will be better when he starts work, as it is probably exacerbated by him being home all the time.

OP - being a magic circle trainee is incredibly difficult. You are not being at all unreasonable in wanting to maximise your sleep! It will probably only get worse, however, because there are some seats where you'll be lucky to get home before midnight.

I still think that your bf should get a small part time job so that he can contribute an extra £40 - £50 a week to pay the cleaner to come in more regularly! If he has higher standards of tidiness then he needs to do something to resolve the issue, not just moan about you when he probably has no real understanding of how stressful your job actually is. You seem to be prepared to compromise on the messiness, but I agree there are bigger issues at play that need resolving if possible.

You don't have to get up 15 mins earlier, just as you leave the room take the dirty cup with you and put it in the sink.

You do sound really resentful.

I would really like to know the proportions of working men with partners at home who wash up their own breakfast things (at all, let alone before they leave the house.) Genuine question.

The clothes left on a chair (in the bedroom) are not dirty (those ones do just go in the washing basket). They're either clean ones waiting to be put away or just my work suits (there are 3 in rotation) that I've left out on the back of the chair rather than putting back in the cupboard.

Who said you had to get up fifteen minutes earlier ..

I leave for work at 5.30am. I get up at 4.45am. In that time I get breakfast, have a coffee, do my hair/make-up, get dressed, wash my breakfast dishes, brush my teeth and go.

It only takes a few minutes to wash up. Run a sink with some warm water while you make your coffee/breakfast. Then you just need to give it a quick wash with a sponge and you're done.

There is some strange resentment in your post OP. You are now resenting getting up to go and do a job. It's tough being a trainee but honestly, you will look back on this and wonder how you filled your days. Getting up early to work long hours is normal. Is it resentment of your partner that's making you sound like this?

Yeah, askingforapal - I think that working with men with SAHPs does not help my attitude as it's clear their gfs/wives do pretty much all the housework. I don't want to become those guys, but may be i already am!

I'm with you OP no idea why people think it's so outrageous you might leave a few dirty pots on your way out early in the morning !

Does he wash up his things and leave yours? I would hate that. You have to work as a team as chances are things will change in the future when he's working and if you have kids further down the line. You need to support each other and if you are working long hours and stressed the least he can do is keep ob top of the dishes without moaning.

I'm not resenting having to go do a job! I'm resenting being told off for not doing housework that I (unreasonably, at least in part, I acknowledge) don't do because I have a job (ie because I am constantly exhausted) when my job is allowing the person telling me off to hang out at home and not have a job.

OP, I know I've probably come across as a bit unsympathetic and I do get that after a long day the last thing you want to do is wash the dishes.

It seems like you don't think of what your DP does as work because he's a) not bringing in a wage and b) not (at the moment) doing anything that directly benefits you. Do you think that's true? If he was a SAHD would you feel less resentful because he was enabling you to work, whereas at the moment he could be working, but is choosing not to?

But it's not his problem that you're not loving your job or that you picked a crazy busy career.

If it was a really busy few weeks ahead of a project deadline I'd be more sympathetic but you are coming across as entitled. Do you think nurses working shifts feel any different, or should they do more housework because their earning potential is less. What about primary school teachers who mark exercise books until gone midnight?

The more you post the more entitled you sound. If you were living with a relative or a flat mate you would take their complaint more seriously. Instead you are using the "I earn more" excuse to cop out of being a considerate human being.

It's tough being a trainee but honestly, you will look back on this and wonder how you filled your days.

I have never met a single magic circle trainee who wonders how they fill their days. You have no control over your time, very difficult (law) partners and associates who demand perfection even after only a few hours sleep, and are called into the office at weekends at the drop of a hat. On top of that, there is the additional stress of regular appraisals and the fear of not even having a full time job at the firm at the end of it. I do slightly wonder if the OP's boyfriend (and some people on this thread) really understand what a tough few years it is.

He may feel undervalued. I do try make a point of acknowledging when he does stuff at home and I say thank you. I don't think I'm understating my mess, but our flat is tiny so that I can see that it's not completely trivial (esp the kitchen stuff).

If he was a SAHD would you feel less resentful because he was enabling you to work, whereas at the moment he could be working, but is choosing not to?

Yes - of course.

And I'm not saying that my job is any harder than that of teachers and nurses (my brother is a teacher and i know he works hard)! I'm saying that my job is stressful and leaves me very little free time (at least at times). I know there are lots of people who do stressful jobs. I don't really see how that's relevant though - surely all those people have to balance housework with their partners?

The more you post the more entitled you sound. If you were living with a relative or a flat mate you would take their complaint more seriously. Instead you are using the "I earn more" excuse to cop out of being a considerate human being.

But the OP wouldn't be living with a relative or flatmate - she would earn enough to live on her own without also supporting her boyfriend if she chose to. In a sense, he has chosen to live in her flat and benefit from her support. While I have sympathy for the make up in the living room and dirty mugs complaint because they are easily rectified, I think that the rest of his complaining actually makes HIM sound rather entitled.

It seems like you don't think of what your DP does as work

But it isn't. He's not working, he's not a SAHD, he's not even doing all of the housework. He's doing a bit of training from home, doesn't sound like it's anything like full-time.

"I'm resenting being told off for not doing housework that I (unreasonably, at least in part, I acknowledge) don't do because I have a job (ie because I am constantly exhausted) when my job is allowing the person telling me off to hang out at home and not have a job."

Now that is succinctly put, OP! If you weren't paying for him to stay home he'd be out too and wouldn't be staring at the dishes

But maybe the earlier poster Is right that he's feeling a bit shit about himself. Maybe worth a sensitive probing on that point leaving housework out of it?

massively betting that when the P starts work he'll act like the first person ever to get a job and will be too tired to do anything and expect the OP to do more housework because he's worn out

YANBU at all. As others have said, how many men who work long hours and have a partner who is not working would expect to split the housework 50/50??

OP I am more sympathetic the more you post! I still think make up and clothes, things that are very specifically yours, need to go away by your own hand.
I can't imagine marrying the man (boy) I loved when I was 20. I know many people do, but many fail as well. Why not wait a bit?

My husband is a barrister and is here so little I cannot blame him for any mess. I do all housework but it works for us at the moment, but he put his glasses and cups in the dishwasher, clothes in laundry basket etc. Incidentally when we first got together he ironed the bedlinen!

However, I think you need to pull up your socks, because if you have children (with this chap or anyone else) you can't be a slob, they create a mess every five minutes and it's all about doing tidying and cleaning little and often. Everyone has to pull their weight

Postponing wedding is not an option (deposits paid, invites out etc). In fairness he has been doing the majority of wedding organisation legwork, and it doesn't help that half the literature we get sent is aimed at "brides" rather than couples. But I guess to me that just underlines the idea that women's household labour is just expected but when the guy does it he deserves a medal.