Child excluded from party

[Winterdaisy]

I know this is a common problem but I need to know what to do about it.
My son appears to have been excluded from a 8th birthday party that every other boy in his class attended today. Photos on Facebook.
He says he was not invited as my first thought was he had not passed on the invite to me. He is at a small village school with only one class per year.
My son does seem to have had some friends issues lately and has gone from being in the thick of playing it to hanging out with one other boy (they are both academic geek types) talking mine craft when I drop him off at school.
So would I be unreasonable to talk to teacher and find out what is going on and if he is excluded for a reason ? He can be boisterous and can be a bit too clever at times, may have upset other children ☹️
Or do I just keep out? I have no intention of asking the mother as she is very nice and would hate to embarrass her, or myself if it's because my child has been horrid to hers.

We are not addressing the actual behaviour at the party though. Yes it is hurtful to exclude someone, but if you include them there is a massive chance that they actively ruin the party for the host.

Why on earth would I want my DS to spend his birthday party watching a child encourage others not to play with him? If the child who was horrible to my DS is not present all the kids play together really well. If he is there we have loads of drama as this kid tries to make it about himself. I have no problem excluding him.

I freely admitI do not like this child, and I have limited time for his mother who blithely continues to excuse his behaviour with a tinkly little laugh.

So, tough, I'm afraid. It is my job to protect my child. He has been bullied by someone who tries to isolate him and make him friendless.

PDA sounds like one of those "special needs" that is about just putting a name to bad behaviour.

Reading this thread is so depressing.

DS1 has had issues in the past with children in his class, so he has always chosen to have a smaller party - we actually just end up calling it a playdate (usually with 3 or 4 kids), so no-one feels left out. He understands that if he has a class party it means the whole class and he can't leave people out which is why we always just have a few people over.

DS2 is probably a bit young for all of this but the misery I had last week, was discovering that the whole class had been invited to party but DS2 hadn't. It wasn't that DS2 had done anything mean to him - just that they don't play together. I have made a mental note of this child and I am considering whether he will be invited to DS2's class party just so the mother can know what it feels like (not that she probably gives a shit in any case).

I just often ask myself why do people have to be so horrible? One thing I would never do is leave a child out on their own and I think people that do it are setting a bad example. I can see that some people have had bad experiences with bullying etc however, the way to deal with this is to just keep the party small.

I've had experience of this with my youngest son. If I were you i would ask the teacher but don't worry about it. Kids chop and change friends all the time at this age and one of the disadvantages of Facebook is people rubbing other parents noses in it by putting up loads of party photos.

Do you not teach your children about inclusion, tolerance or do you just say yes darling whatever you want?

I teach my DCs that no child has a right to single them out for cruel remarks or physical attacks. I teach them that their home is a safe space and they do not have to have anyone it their home who makes them feel unsafe.

If a DC is attacking other DCs I'm pretty sure his/her parents know about it.

Would I invite this child to my son's birthday party? Would. I. Fuck. He never once spared a thought for my son's feelings. Why would I subject my son to spending time with his abuser? My job as a parent is to protect my children, not subject them to torment.

Amen to that.

I can tell you now, if my parents had made me have my bullies at my house, it would have damaged me no end. It was the one place I was safe from them.

I cannot believe some of the posts on this thread. No child should have to entertain their bully based on some PC notion that it would be 'cruel' to exclude them. These bullies are not 3 years old, they are old enough to know they are being cruel and nasty to others. They must learn that their behaviour has consequences.

I was the child who was left out of parties. Left out of everything really. I never bullied just wasn't good at socialising with others and spent lots of time alone. I remember following a little girl round handing her invites out waiting for my turn and it never came. I still remember that 16 years later.
I won't let my child make someone else feel as crap as I used to. However, I wouldn't want my child to have to have someone at his party who hurt him or upset him. Home should be his safe place. I think the only way for me is smaller parties and discreet invites.
Bullying is awful and I really fear it happening to my son. I remember how awful it was to be excluded and picked on. It must be so hard to deal with watching your child go through that. But young primary school children sometimes do lack empathy/ act in an unkind way without meaning too and I wouldn't want those children to be excluded and labelled horrible names so it's a difficult one.

80's

This is what people used to say about ADHD, they blamed the parents and said it was just down to ineffective inconsistent parenting.
PDA is a serious condition and not just a label for bad behaviour.
My dd has shown some of the symptoms from the checklist and although when i read about it she doesn't seem so far along the scale and I'm sure it's not, hoping like mad.
The fact remains though that it hasn't been ruled out yet and is on the list of conditions recommended for assessment from school SENCO.
She doesn't come from a bad home, we are consistent, have been on the case with every bit of bad behaviour throughout her life. We are invested parents who support school, lead by example and have been very active in socialisation and creating good values. We are not fantastic parents and flawless, who is. But I refuse to see/ believe that any SEN is purely down to bad parenting or bad behaviour on the part of the child.

"PDA sounds like one of those "special needs" that is about just putting a name to bad behaviour."

they are old enough to know they are being cruel and nasty to others. They must learn that their behaviour has consequences.

Will they associate the two things though?

I cannot believe some of the posts on this thread. No child should have to entertain their bully based on some PC notion that it would be 'cruel' to exclude them.

I've found this exists only on Mn. No one really subjects their children to this.

The OP hasn't said her child is attacking anybody and bullying comes in all shapes and forms.
Of course you shouldn't have to invite a bully who has had a serious effect on your child, but at the same time why not include those who have challenging behaviour or are seen to be bullies or you have it on hearsay.
There was a child at one of my ds schools who used to push in front of others. He'd knock them out of the way to get to the front and didn't understand about waiting his turn. He had a reputation as a bully because of this, he was normally a lovely lad and when SEN was diagnosed his behaviour improved with intervention.
He wasn't usually invited to parties and was shunned, parents couldn't believe I invited him. His mum came and kept him under wraps and stood at the front of any queuing and helped out enormously. I felt so sorry for him and would never have not included him, even though my ds had said we can't invite x because he's a bully.

I don't have any perfect solutions but I think small parties make you feel better but you run the risk of excluding an even greater number of children. There will always be awkward children who don't have a particular friendship group. They don't cause offence, they just aren't particularly popular. Whole year parties may be their only chance to join in.

I do believe that's what you're saying Maryz, but I apologise if that isn't the case

How is it putting the bullying child or child with challenging behaviour above your own if you invite them to a party
really. REALLY. You're telling them that the other persons emotions matter more. So whilst they don't want their bully at the party (just for the scenario purpose, some kids might not mind), they don't want to be scared at their own party, you're telling them oh dear your feelings don't matter as much we need to be inclusive.

well some of us educate our children
Nice. Some of us want to safeguard our children from the ones causing them pain.

If my mum had told me that I needed to be inclusive and had belittled my experiences of bullying so much like that that would have well and truly tipped me over the edge. School were always telling me all the 'they'e nice really' 'they've got troubles' well y'know what, that didn't make it any easier. It didn't make me less likely to want to piss myself when they came up to me, me knowing I was going to be abused.

And back to educating our children, I'm going to educate mine that they DO NOT have to pander to their abuser. That they absolutely DO NOT have to put their comfort second to their abusers. That they DO NOT have to continually and consistently make excuses for their behaviour. That they DO NOT have to allow their safe spaces to be intruded on by their abuser. That there CAN be boundaries. That I will not do anything to damage those boundaries, that I will not invite someone who hurts them into those boundaries.

I've found this exists only on Mn. No one really subjects their children to this.

I truly hope not.

If the child won had been unkind/mean etc was invited what happens when he says/acts unkindly to the birthday child? That then becomes the parent of the birthday child's responsibility to sort it out - how bizarre when they should be looking after their own child. Practically difficult , parties are stressful enough. The child/birthday child have personality conflict therefore why invite him. I have used quite low level terms as even at this level it is a matter of choice.

People spoke about excluding bullies. There were then replies that it's not fair to not invite the child. Parties are in houses a lot of the time. Therefore this is where I got that people were saying you must have a child who has bullied your child, and that includes in your home where the party may be.

I don't know if you are making a distinction between being bullied and seriously bullied but that's subjective.

And there are always parents who deny their child is a bully, describing them as simply boisterous, when the reality is they are always hitting other children.

You are all seem to paint the excluded child as one who is dreadful, a bully, attacking at every opportunity.

What happens if the excluded one isn't? The one that's maybe not as fun, or socially awkward, or just not your cup if tea? But not hurtful, or mean?

Is it ok to exclude that one in a class party?

Some children are just more likeable than others. Studies have shown 'pretty" ones are liked more by classmates.

well some of us educate our children

All four of my children are highly educated thank you very much. Two are vets, one is a doctor and the other a teacher. I couldn't have done too badly. ALL of my children were taught to respect others and not to bully or be nasty. They were also taught they do not have to have people at their parties they didn't want there. After all, I choose not to socialise with some people, why should've my children been different? What a shame others never educated their children not to be nasty, hit, spit, smack, cut hair, pinch or headbutt my DD, isn't it? If they had my DD wouldn't have been subjected to daily physical attacks from a child with no SN. I just wanted to clarify the no SN part. I manage an establishment which educates 545 children every day. I don't allow birthday invites to be given out by teachers due to the animosity it causes when some children are invited and others aren't.

I agree maryz. I have seen this with my other children. Whispers about which children are the naughty ones to avoid inviting to parties in reception

What happens if the excluded one isn't? The one that's maybe not as fun, or socially awkward, or just not your cup if tea? But not hurtful, or mean?

I've said that's unacceptable. And I'd be very very disappointed in my child and if they thought it was acceptable to exclude someone on the basis of them being different I'd reconsider having a party at all.

The replies are all that it's not ok to not invite only one child.
I don't think they are. Some are saying they should be invited.

There's a difference between a bit of hitting/shoving/"you're not my friend" at that age of 6 and serious physical harm at the age of 15. And lots in between
Yes there is lots of inbetween. My bullying was when I was at primary school and started in reception. If I hadn't have gone through it I would never, ever believe kids could be so vicious even at such a very young age. The first time I got my food spat in was when I and they, were 6. That's the age when I also had my face pushed in mud by two kids and I passed out. And they told me they were going to go to my dads grave and shit on it. It peaked at 8/9. I've projected a whoooole lot on this thread but I wanted to explain what it can be like even when kids are very young because a lot of people don't believe it can get that bad, and that it's all he said she said, i'm not your friend, calling names business when it can be much more.

Isolating a child who is currently not being very nice won't teach them to be nice; it'll teach them that it's ok to be not nice
You see it as isolating which is fair enough, I see it as safe guarding. I'm still not sure why I should exclude other friends who have done nothing wrong.

On the whole though I don't get why people do these massive parties anyway. I'm arguing the toss here but I don't even think this situation will ever arise coz I won't be allowing full class parties full stop, sod that for a game of soldiers.